Page 2 | Resenting husband

Meg1990mac · 2022-07-07T00:43:09+00:00

we have been together 14 years. We have 3 children 9yrs,5yrs,4months. I am on maternity at the moment, I havnt been at work for 7 months. My husband works full time in a school, a part time policeman (special), multiple bands and a motorbike club. the last month and a half he has been out pretty much most days. He did a show for 2 weeks solid (plus working at school mom-fri), police shifts every Friday night, gigs every Saturday night, motorbike ride every Sunday day. X 3 school trips which have stayed over night 1-3 days. A 3rd show last week which lasted 3 nights. Rehearsals on an evening for both shows, plus a regular gig on a Tuesday evening which he does every week. I feel like I hardly see him. Plus if I am to say anything about him being out all the time, then his auto pilot response is that ‘you’re the one that wanted kids!’. i don’t have any friends outside of work to meet up with (even with kids in toe) and being off work for 7 month has gradually distanced me from them. whenever my husband is out, there is always women with him, whether they be work colleagues, part of the shows, part of the music atmosphere and it is really making me question his loyalty to me. mom resenting him so much. I cry a lot. But he just tells me I’m not right in the head and that he hasn’t changed as he has always done all these things. I don’t know what to do, I’m so miserable and that only pushes him away even more. But I can’t just snap out of it. Life seems so unfair, but I have 3 children to look after with what seems like no help at all.

TiredMommy93 · 07/07/2022 09:04

Hoping someone will change is the dumbest thing someone can do. Do you have any idea how many times I thought my ex boyfriends would change after they constantly did terrible things? 1000 times. And do you know how many of them actually changed? 0
They just apologize, try to improve for a week at most to get you to shut up and return to their regular behavior. People. Don't. Change. If you can't cope with it anymore there is only one thing you can do.

KangarooKenny · 07/07/2022 09:05

He will not change. He is a selfish husband, and a selfish parent.
But he probably won’t have the kids that often if you split either, so you need to free yourself from the resentment.

Dancinginthedark01 · 07/07/2022 09:07

If your children were planned, why is he saying you were the one who wanted kids?

That’s a very busy life he has. Did you discuss him dropping one of his hobbies or the special police officer work when you were planning the babies?

Rainbowbaby13 · 07/07/2022 09:07

I think you'll feel much better if you leave your husband and concentrate on you and the children.

Previous posters who have said why did you have more children 🙄🙄 that's a bit of a moot point now you have them and you need to do the best for them which means you need to be the best version of you and with your husband dragging you down and making you feel shit how is that possible right now?

I wish you the best of luck I know it won't be an easy decision and might make things harder for a while but once you come out the other side I'm sure you'll feel like a weight has been lifted and you deserve so much better

Naunet · 07/07/2022 09:17

Rosebuud · 07/07/2022 07:39

I’m in two minds here, as I can see that he is saying he has always done this, this is how he lives, and you knew this when you had three kids, one only four months ago, it would have been clear fo you he wasn’t going to change his life for you and them.

it’s selfish of him not to change and support, but I can’t understand why you’ve had three kids knowing the situation. Did he ever agree to change his lifestyle before you decided to proceed with each child?

Can you understand why he had 3 kids then, knowing the situation, because I really can’t! Can you understand why he wanted a wife when he spends no time with her?

coodawoodashooda · 07/07/2022 09:19

For those criticising you for having children with him, please know that abusers don't abuse all of the time. They have carefully organised moments where they put their mask back on to secure their plan and keep the arrangements working in their favour. Your husband is the king in his castle. You are the maid. He knows this and he not only doesn't give a shit, he enjoys it. Please quietly get rid of him.

Rosebuud · 07/07/2022 09:22

Can you understand why he had 3 kids then, knowing the situation, because I really can’t! Can you understand why he wanted a wife when he spends no time with her?

no, I can’t understand either of them.

Cocacolacazza · 07/07/2022 09:26

Whether he was always like this or not doesn't matter. The OP can change her mind about whether or not she has to accept it. Which she clearly has.

Make definite plans to end the relationship OP. When you have got them together, tell your DP. He might change, he probably won't. But you need to be ready to kick him out regardless of what he comes back with.

Terriblethirtytwos · 07/07/2022 09:27

You’re already doing it all by yourself and it sounds as though you don’t have much of a couple relationship with him. Surely it would be easier to do it by yourself with one less (man)child to pick up after, and without the resentment you’re feeling?

Ilosthim · 07/07/2022 09:29

He will do this for as long as you let him get away with it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/07/2022 09:36

My views won't be popular but quite honestly in the first place three kids is too many and secondly before you have three children NOT AFTER you need to make sure your partner is 100% on board with it not a feckless twat.
You say he's always done this so what exactly did you expect? A sudden revelation from God and all of a sudden a devoted house husband?
You went ahead and had three children knowing your partner is not on board and now want him to change - he isn't going to so you are going to have to lump it.
If you separate you can expect a life of poverty on benefits as well as dealing with three kids on your own.
I had one child as a single woman because that is all I could afford and cope with, I would have liked another but it wasn't feasible. You should have been more responsible.

pinkyredrose · 07/07/2022 09:38

Why did he have 3 kids if he didn't want them?

Penguinevere · 07/07/2022 09:40

“well, you wanted kids!” Is a really shit thing to say to your spouse if you’ve got three kids.

I think he’s being cruel. I would resent him too op.

andwhy · 07/07/2022 09:48

Hi OP, my relationship was much like yours when my kids were small (except the comment about you wanting the kids, that's just mean, and you need to come up with a response) as for the rest; many people told me to leave my DH when the kids were younger because I never saw him, I did everything at home, and I started to really resent him. But, for one reason or another I didn't leave. But what I did was create a life for myself and my kids. We made friends, we joined clubs, we went out. My kids are now teenagers, my husband works away half the time and cycles most weekends. But I am happy the kids are happy they have busy active lives and so do I. Sometimes I wish I had a better marriage, but I don't, that's life. I can still leave one day if I want but for now I don't have the time! I suppose what I'm saying is, even if you don't feel ready to leave today. You can still improve your life so so much without having to make that difficult decision. Just don't wait for him to make life better. Do it yourself.

Rainbowbaby13 · 07/07/2022 09:52

andwhy · 07/07/2022 09:48

Hi OP, my relationship was much like yours when my kids were small (except the comment about you wanting the kids, that's just mean, and you need to come up with a response) as for the rest; many people told me to leave my DH when the kids were younger because I never saw him, I did everything at home, and I started to really resent him. But, for one reason or another I didn't leave. But what I did was create a life for myself and my kids. We made friends, we joined clubs, we went out. My kids are now teenagers, my husband works away half the time and cycles most weekends. But I am happy the kids are happy they have busy active lives and so do I. Sometimes I wish I had a better marriage, but I don't, that's life. I can still leave one day if I want but for now I don't have the time! I suppose what I'm saying is, even if you don't feel ready to leave today. You can still improve your life so so much without having to make that difficult decision. Just don't wait for him to make life better. Do it yourself.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 09:59

Rainbowbaby13 · 07/07/2022 09:07

I think you'll feel much better if you leave your husband and concentrate on you and the children.

Previous posters who have said why did you have more children 🙄🙄 that's a bit of a moot point now you have them and you need to do the best for them which means you need to be the best version of you and with your husband dragging you down and making you feel shit how is that possible right now?

I wish you the best of luck I know it won't be an easy decision and might make things harder for a while but once you come out the other side I'm sure you'll feel like a weight has been lifted and you deserve so much better

It's a moot point for her, but maybe others reading this will think more thoughtfully about family planning and their choice of partner.

D0lphine · 07/07/2022 10:08

It sounds like he is a teenage son going to work, hobbies, out with mates and doing a couple of jobs.

It doesn't sound like you're describing a partner. He is treating your home like a hotel he can pop in and pop our whenever he fancies.

I'd style it out until your mat leave is over, get back to work and then ditch him. Doesn't sound like you have much to lose!

D0lphine · 07/07/2022 10:10

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/07/2022 09:36

My views won't be popular but quite honestly in the first place three kids is too many and secondly before you have three children NOT AFTER you need to make sure your partner is 100% on board with it not a feckless twat.
You say he's always done this so what exactly did you expect? A sudden revelation from God and all of a sudden a devoted house husband?
You went ahead and had three children knowing your partner is not on board and now want him to change - he isn't going to so you are going to have to lump it.
If you separate you can expect a life of poverty on benefits as well as dealing with three kids on your own.
I had one child as a single woman because that is all I could afford and cope with, I would have liked another but it wasn't feasible. You should have been more responsible.

Why are you blaming her so much??

forrestgreen · 07/07/2022 10:14

I'm not sure what you think you're throwing away?
If you imagine he's gone away for a month, how would your life change?

coodawoodashooda · 07/07/2022 10:27

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/07/2022 09:36

My views won't be popular but quite honestly in the first place three kids is too many and secondly before you have three children NOT AFTER you need to make sure your partner is 100% on board with it not a feckless twat.
You say he's always done this so what exactly did you expect? A sudden revelation from God and all of a sudden a devoted house husband?
You went ahead and had three children knowing your partner is not on board and now want him to change - he isn't going to so you are going to have to lump it.
If you separate you can expect a life of poverty on benefits as well as dealing with three kids on your own.
I had one child as a single woman because that is all I could afford and cope with, I would have liked another but it wasn't feasible. You should have been more responsible.

Ten years ago I would have said that. Now, having experienced a manipulative partner I can guarantee that abusers do say and do all of the right things. They slowly change the lay of the land whilst being nice enough to keep you there putting up with them.

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 10:31

Thankyou xx

OP posts:

PollyDarton1 · 07/07/2022 10:42

My ex DP threw the "you wanted a baby" line out to me whenever I asked for help/explained I was struggling. Along with "well what did you expect" and "you knew I wouldn't do xyz beforehand, you should have been more prepared" (when asking him to do ONE night feed because my MH was spiralling due to lack of sleep).

My ex also said when I split up with him after 7 long years of him being shit and I asked him to help out one day when I was ill "well you choose to be a single mum, you've made your bed" - my ex will only do what he wants, when he wants, including when he has our son. Up until recently, I barked to his tune. I accepted the minimum thinking it was better than nothing. He wasn't as busy as your husband, and he did "offer" me time to myself (so long as it didn't conflict with his needs) but the overall assumption was as I was the one who wanted our son, I should put up with the mental load.

Pippylongstock · 07/07/2022 10:48

Maybe you just needed the harsh reality of a third child to allow the scales to fall from your eyes. I am not normally a LTB, but it’s very hard to see a way forward. Yes, you should expect him to step up and parent. What a brilliant life he has, all the while expecting you to carry everything. You need to speak to a solicitor, get your ducks in a row. Even if you don’t at least your giving yourself options. Feeling trapped won’t help your mental health. Can you have some individual therapy to work out what you want, and why you have been so accepting of his poor parenting? A huge a good luck it sounds incredibly tough

coodawoodashooda · 07/07/2022 10:50

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 10:31

Thankyou xx

Are you in the UK? Burdening a parent with all the domestic care is a recognised form of abuse.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/07/2022 10:51

I've also had an abusive husband to the two previous posters, a feckless husband and a cocklodger. I didn't have kids with any of them. I knew they would be shit dads.
I left them and had a child on my own.
But I just don't think you can anticipate how hard being a single parent will be with just one child let alone three unless you have loads of support.
You basically have two choices, stay with him for the money and consider the marriage one of convenience or leave and live on benefits until all of the children are older.
I don't envy your choices tbh.