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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband hasn't slept with me for 4 years!

82 replies

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 20:36

Ok, that was really difficult to say. Impossible also to talk about with friends and family, but.. its true, since DS was conceived he says he has no interest. Have tried everything and I feel like the only woman in the world in this situation

OP posts:

CarGirl · 16/01/2008 20:37

get him to go to the drs??????

trulymadlydeeply · 16/01/2008 20:37

Gosh what a brave post! Do you know why he has no desire? Have you talked about it with him?

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 20:50

I have tried, many times, for the sake of our relationship and because we want more babies! Sadly it just ends as a row or me 'nagging' now. He says he doesn't know why. Have tried Dr many times, he suggested 'going away for a weekend!' then said he would refer us to local hospital but we have heard nothing. He also said it was the first time he had seen such problem

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 16/01/2008 20:56

That's a dreadful attitude for your doctor to take. I'm . Can you see someone else in the practice? There may be an underlying medical reason which should be investigated.

Is he depressed at all? Got into a viscous circle....worried he won't perform which makes it happen etc and then its easier not to?

You really need to see someone a bit more professional and sympathetic..

GrinningSoul · 16/01/2008 20:58

i think lack of desire is certainly common in women. my dh has had to be VERY tolerant and patient since first DC arrived 8 years ago.

I imagine therapy would help, i expect they'd suggest a very very low key level of interaction at first. it might seem forced (it did when i tried to make myself ....) but you'd both get used to it.

can you approach another resource for help, eg Relate?

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 21:04

We did try Relate last year, I know I'm probably sounding quite negative but it didn't help hugely. Not sure the counsellor had children, as she kept making suggestions about me 'popping' to London (he works there during the week) to whisk DH away for an afternoon of passion etc. A little tricky when you have a 3 year old DS! DH is a bit of a perfectionist and will never have a go at things in case he fails so you could have a point there LMN.

OP posts:

Chuffinnora · 16/01/2008 21:10

I read an article recently (I can't remember where probably in one of the Sunday magazines) which talked about treating lack of libido in men with hormones such as testosterone once all the other avenues have been explored.

LittleMissNorty · 16/01/2008 21:16

Well the fact that you and he discuss it and he is prepared to do something to help is a huge step IMO....you just need someone to take you seriously.

I am gobsmacked at the so-called professionals (night of passion etc)....sounds like you need to arm yourself with some information and either see the GP or phone the hospital until you get an appointment. Are you sure the GP referred you? You are entitled to a copy of the letter.

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 21:30

That's interesting CN. To be honest LMN, trying to get DH to chase up GP is like pulling teeth, I would do it myself but obviously due to confidentiality (appointments in DHs name) I can't. I know it must be really difficult for him. If I was more enterprising I would do something about it, eg start a support group or something,as though I feel like the only one I can't be can I? but feel a bit personally rubbish for that

OP posts:

mehdismummy · 16/01/2008 21:37

i have not slept with dh for two years. His excuse is i may fall pregnant again. Ds was a suprise. Dh never wanted a baby. I am not fussed at times and it bothers me at other times

Ulysees · 16/01/2008 21:40

Agree shit dr.

My ex hub had very low sex drive, I left in the end but not saying you should as it could be low testosterone and if your hub will go and get help he could improve.
Ex hub didn't make the effort and I'm happy now with guy who has same drive.

If your hub wants to get help then that's a good thing.

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 21:40

did anyone hear jeremy vine show on monday, lack of libido.
very upsetting and was really cross with dr sarah jarvs, it was only women it transpired on that programme who suffered with lack of libido.
that is so not true.
you are not alone.
do you ever feel like splitting up to meet someone who would sleep with you?

can he btw, or is it he wont?

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 21:41

Yes, I am the same, though I guess it bothers me more and more as time goes on. We go through a few days of getting on well, then I suddenly remember that we don't have what I feel is a 'proper relationship' and get really down about it. He just stays the same all the time, doesn't mention it, get upset about it or come anywhere near me.

OP posts:

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 21:42

what s is excuse?

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 21:47

the worst thing is everyone else seems to be doing it 3 times a week!!

mehdismummy · 16/01/2008 21:50

i think about doing it. But i just seem to have lost my drive. I just am not interested. Well unless sean from eastenders came into my room naked that is. Would be rude not to

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 21:51

out of the habit perhaps?

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 21:53

sorry last reply ended up in wrong place. Sadly don't think DH would do anything if he wasn't pushed. I think about meeting someone who wants to sleep with me more and more! Used to think that was unforgiveable but now not so sure. It's not just the physical thing either ( tho that would be very nice ), over time it brings your confidence down about every aspect of life.

OP posts:

LittleMissNorty · 16/01/2008 21:56

god 3 times a week - don't think so ....I honestly don't think everyone does it that often (do they???)

The less I have, the less I want IYKWIM....but men are funny buggers....sounds to me like he's worried about it and that's making it worse....

I feel for you...what a horrible situation to be in...can you seek some help/advice about it with your GP and go from there?

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 21:57

God yes MrsGeneHunt, everyone else is constantly at it!. Rang my sil the other day to see if I could pop round and she said to give her 5 mins because she was at it on the living room floor. Only moderate though as she is married to my brother and that conjured up v unpleasant thoughts!
Ps mehdidmummy

OP posts:

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 21:59

it is not good for relationships and not so unusual, if what i read is true,
sigh.

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:01

Guess I could give it a go LMN, though without sounding mean and horrible,and 'I'm alright jack' I don't have any issues. I know we do as a couple but not sure what I could do on my own. Ps forgot to mention, he has had all physical tests (at last visit to GP) and has nothing wrong.

OP posts:

namechangealso · 16/01/2008 22:01

Mikamakamoo... I feel for you. You are me, but I am far more years down the line than you. And it gets no easier.. in fact it just gets worse and worse.

I too have been for counselling with DH but it hasn't solved the problem and it has now just left me bitter and upset. The situation erodes at every bit of my confidence and slowly kills love. I wish I could help you and I know I am sounding very negative with it all. But I know what it has done to me.

My only bit of advice is to do something. Don't let it drop, don't give up because, despite the fact, you can shove it under the carpet and from time to time, it does go away... when it comes back, and it will... it comes back with a vengeance.

FWIW your DH has to want to get help, to be helped in the first place. Sorry to sound negative. Good luck.

Original poster

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:05

btw, thanks so much for your support everyone. Have spent last 4 years feeling increasingly like I must be hideously unattractive, or dull, or both so it really is really good to know I am not the only one who doesn't fall into the 'fending off the husband' category.. xx

OP posts:

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 22:06

f#god,
why did SIL answer phone??

does he blame seeing you giving birth ?

i know my dh was a bit scarred by that

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