my husband hasn't slept with me for 4 years!

[Mikamakamoo]

Ok, that was really difficult to say. Impossible also to talk about with friends and family, but.. its true, since DS was conceived he says he has no interest. Have tried everything and I feel like the only woman in the world in this situation

Mika- it sounds ot me that you may be giving him negative vibes, i think you too need to be more affectionate. try complimenting him more and not just sexually and i am sure that by nurturing him you may both come through it. hugs

Mikamakamoo... that could be me typing

Have sent you email.

bethoo, I will try my best. I did used to be v affectionate and I know this is not all down to him, but he does have a habit of being crap (saying he'll be home Tues, then changing his mind at 5pm and not getting home till Thurs) and then walking through the door and expecting a big hug. i feel that giving him a hug condones his other crap behaviour. Not good, I know, with DS I'll always hug him however much naughtiness he has been involved with. Just think DH should know better!

Oh dear Mika, that is bad. If you can't show him affection then you are not going to get him back.

I think you have become very hung up on this lack of sex, and also you are sooo concerned about dh providing the means to make a baby, you have forgotten what "making love" is supposed to be about.

Think about your responses to him. You need to modify your attitude if you are going to get him to deal with his.

Thats great namechangealso, glad you got message, it's nice to find a kindred spirit, even if it is for not such a nice reason. Off to get half drowned by DS now (swimming, sorry, being drama queen! but will catch up later x

Mika- hmm. you should know by now young lady how unreliable men are!! but that is why we love them with their silly ways!! it is hard to takl to a man about how you feel without him shouting ''stop nagging me woman!', maybe once the babe is in bed get a bottle of wine get cosy on sofa and even before taklign about sexual problems cuddle up together and discuss ways of improving the relaionship like the odd phone call to let you know of his change of plans for your peace of mind and so dinner will not be cold or in the dog, that way it does not look like you are insecure etc ifkwim? communication really is the way to better your chances of intimacy adn i know it will be hard what with his victorian way of upbringing.

I know clumsymum, i've become horrible old bag of a wife, but have shut down cos of self protection I suppose, I will try if he is home tonight (will practice niceness in mirror) He will prob think I have embarked on a wife exchange programme!

have to say clumsymum and I mean it in a nice way... it is hardly surprising mikamakamoo is hung up on lack of sex.. it has been four effing years! That is a hell of a long time so it is hardly surprising she feels angry. Can you imagine a man in this situation...

Thanks v much bethoo,good advice, will catch up later x

And... you do build up a wall around yourself to cope with the constant rejection, otherwise you would go bonkers.

It is very hard to then turn yourself into a loving affectionate wife at the drop of a hat....

Can you go through Relate and get some sex therapy? I mean, would your husband be willing to do this? You can't both live the rest of your lives without a sexual relationship - or at least, you are missing out on such intimacy and so many good times if you do. I'm sure this is incredibly common, too, so your husband has nothing to feel bad about, and neither do you.

Yes I know Namechange, but IMO being unpleasant to him because he won't have sex isn't going to help.

Ask anyone else on MN, how many people would want sex with their dh if they sulked in this way?

Well, blokes do have feelings too. It isn't true, for most men, that they are always up for it, despite what the media says. It strikes me that Mika's dh may feel unloved or unvalued for himself, and needs that back before he can feel sexual towards her.

I appreciate what you saying clumsymum. I know you are right... but when you live with this day in day out, it is very very hard not to end up feeling resentful. It affects every little bit of you and every little bit of daily life. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it is true.

However, having said that, all you say in your last post is true.

Mikamakamoo, I presume everything is in good working order down there for him IYSWIM? Even if he has a low sex drive he should still be getting the occasional erection (mornings are particularly notorious for this ).

This would obviously be terrible advice to give to a man but... why not try taking the bull by the horns and taking advantage of that while he's sleepy? Maybe not full sex the first time but you can move on to it. That way there's less pressure, less talk and less expectation. It's a nice way to wake up and a good way to break a drought! Sometimes if it happens by 'accident' it reinforces to a man that they're physically attractive to their partner.

Does he still masturbate?

Mikamakamoo, I feel very sad for you. I went through exactly the same with my ex-husband and in the end we split up, which is probably not what you want to hear. I tried all the being understanding, being nice, trying to bring the subject up occasionally (once a year or so!) in a non-threatening way - to no avail.

We met when we were 21 and married when we were 27 - we were very close, best friends, and the sex was great at first, then gradually waned, as you might expect. However I never imagined that it would dwindle to nothing. The longest we went without sex was 2 years.

My experience was so like yours. I felt completely rejected as a woman, and although we snuggled on the sofa, kissed (no tongues!) and hugged, I started to become more and more resentful of him. He would cuddle me in bed but make sure his hands didn't touch any 'rude' bits! I know I was still his best friend and the mother of his children (managed to conceive them by making it clear to him when my fertile time was..) and I managed to kid myself that this would be enough.

It wasn't. As the marriage continued (we were married for 11 years and together for 18 in total) I got so frustrated and lonely, I pushed him away for not appreciating me as a woman, got more and more angry. We went to counselling twice many years apart (he was unfaithful to me before we had children) and he was unable to give any explanation for either his infidelity or later his lack of desire for me.

Finally I asked him to leave, cos I realised it would never get better. He finally pulled his finger out, went to the GP for tests (no physical reason of course), we even had sex a couple of times, but I was already having a secret affair and this had made me realise that I wanted and needed a proper relationship with friendship, love and sex. Also I was so angry that he had ignored my attempts to sort things out for so long and buried his head in the sand - I felt he obviously didn't value our marriage at all.

You are very brave to talk about this because it is so humiliating for oneself as a woman. After all, we're supposed to be the ones complaining about our ever-randy husbands bothering us for sex all the time aren't we? I wish I could give you some concrete advice, but all I can say is - the only thing that made my ex realise how serious the problem was for me was when I asked him to leave. Unfortunately by then I was totally disillusioned and had already detached myself from the relationship. Can you explain to him how destructive this situation is for your marriage and how deeply it affects your feelings for him?

Best wishes in sorting things out - I really hope you do!

Mika, just wanted to reinforce the feeling that you are not alone. I'm another of the 'no sex' group - and sadly, like 43Today, it ended in me having an affair and the end of the marriage. We were married 12 years and had no sex after DD was conceived - 10 years. Everyone was shocked as we 'seemed' a happy couple, but were really living like brother and sister. Like you, I just got angrier and angrier. When he confronted me about the affair, he said that seeing dd born had put him off (would have been nice if he's said so at the time, so we could have dealt with it). So by the time we finally talked about it, I was emotionally too involved with the OM to consider trying again - and I had totally ceased to think of ExH as a sexual being.

Am happy now with DP, ExH lives with his mother and hasn't to my knowledge had a new relationship since the divorce. Not sure he ever had a high libido. He said he'd always rather lacked self-confidence with women (only child) and I think he thought himself rather unattractive (his own mother described him as 'homely' - but don't get me onto the subject of mad exMIL !)

It certainly isn't broadcast that men can withdraw from sex - traditionally, it's us who go off it after babies - so you (and the rest of us on this thread) are very brave to come out about it. If I'd had MN support when I was going through this, it might have encouraged me to try to revive things with ExH, as he's a good man in other ways. A marriage without sex can work only if both parties are happy with it.

If your H knew that his marriage might be on the line, would he be more willing to do something about?

Wishing you all the best!

What brave posts Tanee and 43today... there are parts of both your posts that I could have written. It does help knowing that you are not the only person going through/have been through this.

Hi Mikamakamoo .. just been reading through the thread and I´m also in the same boat. My dh and I are fine in all aspects of our relationship apart from sex .. could count on one hand the number of times in the past 7 years since dc1 was conceived .. miraculously managed to conceive dc2 (on second attempt) .. and since then he´s shown no desire for sex whatsoever. He says it´s due to low libido, tiredness, etc. Finally convinced him to start counselling a few months ago, and we´re now having regular massages, etc. but it never leads anywhere (as yet - am still hoping!) And he´s agreed to go to the gp for tests (although still hasn´t got round to making an appointment).

I totally understand many of the comments on the thread about it making us women feel so down about every aspect of life, etc. Would hate to have an affair or to leave DH as he´s a wonderful person and a great Dad.
So you´re definitely not alone .. Mumsnet should set up a support group for sexually-deprived and frustrated Mums!!

Hi Mikamakamoo - been looking at this thread too and just wanted to say thank you for being so courageous and "me too", 'cos we're in the same situation although our 4 years without sex or even cuddles seems piddly by comparison with what others have been enduring.

It started when I became pregnant and my dp felt uncomfortable about "someone else" being there when we made love, which I could sort of understand but feeling fat and waddly it did make me feel undesirable as well, which was unhelpful.

But 4 years on and still not a flicker; I did try all sorts over the first couple of years but now, as others have said, I just feel angry and so sad, although periodically I try and encourage him to talk about it - usually with limited success. When we first met, he used to talk about being rejected by a previous partner who had refused to have sex with him for (funnily enough), 4 years after she had a miscarriage. Not sure if the two are related but.....?

DP is a fantastic Dad and really special bloke in so many ways and I suspect that I would pull myself to bits with self-hatred if I went behind his back and had an affair, but I feel as if I'm going to have to resign myself to a fantasy life inside my head (how sad and sorry is that??) as he just won't help us to deal with this and now, I'm not sure I've got the will to sort it out either

Not setting much of an example am I? Sorry.

The common thread seems to be that all these chaps are pretty wonderful in every other way or we might be making very different postings, but that just makes the decisions so much harder. Agree about the Frustrated Mums Club - it's certainly not the sort of thing you feel you can bring up with most people.

Good luck to you - if you can break the circle and make things work again, I will be so happy for you. Fingers crossed x

Another one here but believe it or not it has been 12 years. DS is 6.5 and was conceived through IVF - we were living in Asia at the time and went to a private clinic and the doctor understood - he initially suggested artificial insemination but then it turned out that DH's sperm count was very low.

We had some counselling about 4 years ago and DH admitted that it wouldn't bother him if he never had sex again.

I used to go through stages of getting very angry about the situation but now am just weary of it. Just thinking about it makes me feel tired so I don't!

As others on this thread - DH is a great husband in so many other ways and is a great dad. He was adopted himself so DS is his only blood relative and he adores him. It would break my heart to take them away from each other. Our situation is complicated by the fact that we live in Hungary but I am Irish and DH is British. If we were to split I would want to go home to Ireland so that would mean taking DS away from his Dad, his home, his school and his friends. I can't do it at the moment.

And tbh I am generally not unhappy. We get on well and he makes me laugh. I love seeing him with DS. We have a nice life and I like it. The thoughts of disrupting it all doesn't make sense to me.

One of my huge regrets is only having one child. I do feel cheated. Both of my sexuality and my fertility.

Had my FSH levels tested today to see if IVF is still a possibility - I am 43.

I think there are a lot of us about tbh. I think it is much more common than people realise.

I have certainly posted on quite a few threads on here on the same subject.

This is such an eye opener.

Birdie you sound so brave and Buda... you must be such a special person to speak so kindly of your DH. If it's any consolation to you, I am longer than 12 years and still married. But I feel far more bitter about it than you appear to from your post. So unfortunately it hasn't got easier.. just harder really. Sorry, you probably don't want to hear that.

I posted on this subject ages ago because it happened to one of my best mates and after years she finally told me....anyway the upshot was she buried the understandable hatchet, stopped all conversation on the matter and instituted a Friday night wine and special evening meal in their house, candles etc. After a few weeks of just passing the time of day i.e. not talking about the issue and not talking about any issues but being positive and I guess just being like they were years ago, things started to develop.

Again slowly...no sudden passion but getting close again....things developed and now she says they're 'back on track' and it's never been discussed. Sure every situation is different but it's really a great news story with hope as honestly I think she was about to walk.

Oh sometimes I am bitter namechangealso - very bitter. Not so much these days but I do worry that I will get more bitter as time goes on and DS grows up and away from us as he is bound to do. I have warned DH that by then I may be feeling very resentful and may end up hating him.

Buda - 12 years!! . I know what you mean about the fantasy life. I used to have crushes on so many tv and film stars, like a teenager. It all came to a head when I had cancer ten years ago, and during treatment, met up with an old boyfriend, who was shocked at my illness - we did a lot of talking about what had gone wrong with our own relationship (he'd broken my heart & I have to admit I married exh on the rebound, tho' I prided myself that I'd made a good choice as he was a kind, good man and great father). The talking gradually led to the affair - which was very occasional as we lived 150 miles apart. I really didn't intend breaking up my marriage as I knew how it would hurt H & DD, but I was so FRUSTRATED, thought I might be dead in a few months anyway. Well, I didn't die, and sadly, the marriage did.

I don't think I would have gone into an affair with a new man - but I'm not making excuses for myself, what I did was wrong, and I feel sad for exH - but to be honest, he suspected something was going on & STILL didn't do anything for 5 more years. To this day, I don't really know what he was thinking of - did he imagine we'd trundle into old age with a sexless marriage? I know he'd have liked more children - but they don't appear by immaculate conception!

It's good to know that there others with similar problems - though also very sad. All these men are otherwise good - there seem to be enough rotters discussed on MN that have no problem with their libidos.