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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my husband hasn't slept with me for 4 years!

82 replies

Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 20:36

Ok, that was really difficult to say. Impossible also to talk about with friends and family, but.. its true, since DS was conceived he says he has no interest. Have tried everything and I feel like the only woman in the world in this situation

OP posts:
namechangealso · 16/01/2008 22:08

And ... like you Mikamakamoo... I don't have a problem. I appreciate the problem is ours but I am not the one who doesn't want to make love, he is.

I think ppl on here should understand how lucky they are to have DHs who still fancy them. If your OH fancies you, it validates you as a woman and I don't have that.

notjustmom · 16/01/2008 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 22:11

i was thinking same thing.
myself i would be too shy, too ashamed of my body,

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:14

I have asked him about the whole birth thing. He was terrified by it, I had emergency c -section and think the worst bit was my lower half being cut open whilst my upper half chatted away with the anaesthetist about the hospital we used to work in (hours of pain does funny things to you doesn't it?) He says he doesn't think that is it though. TBH, that part of our relationship was never 'the best' but it was good, though he has always been quite inhibited.
Ps SIL is exhibitionist and show off, or maybe I am just bitter

OP posts:
Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:19

God namechangealso, that is so right. I would do anything to have a DH who found me attractive.
notjustmom, I have tried it, he was embarrassed and humiliated and frankly a bit horrified. Due to that, I ended up the same way, as it took quite a lot for me to get into the sexy undies etc because of stretchmarky wobbly bits! You haven't offended me at all. I am openminded about the whole thing, sadly, he isn't.

OP posts:
MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 22:21

bit of dutch courage?

i think you have to make a stand, you are unhappy and
things need to change.

namechangealso · 16/01/2008 22:29

Well Mikamakamoo... my DH says he finds me attractive but actions speak louder than words, don't they? He needs to show desire and that is a different matter.

FWIW I have done the sexy undies bit too and my DH hated it also. I have also done gentleness, understanding, no pressure... you name it! I better shut up now cos I am sounding more and more bitter!

puffybear · 16/01/2008 22:32

Do you know if he still masturbates? Maybe it would be difficult to get an honest answer from him, but if you did then it would give you some idea if the problem is lack of desire for sex as a couple, or lack of libido full stop.

namechangealso · 16/01/2008 22:35

Don't wish to hijack Mikamakamoo's thread but my DH told counsellor he does on occasion. So, if that is the truth, it makes me feel a helluva lot worse.

Sorry Mikamakamoo.. this is your thread, not mine

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:36

God yes namechangealso, It's v hard not to get bitter though isn't it? Its just so humiliating all round. I'm off now as have horrendously early start.
btw have sent you my email address in case you ever fancy a chat, I know the whole thing gets me really down sometimes. Tried to send it to MrsGeneHunt too but couldn't due to privacy settings.

Thanks again everyone xx

OP posts:
MrsGeneHunt · 16/01/2008 22:39

sorry, bout privacy settings.

hope you feel a bit better about it all
x

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:39

sorry, said I was off and I really am this time, honest! No problem namechangealso, I don't mind sharing my thread with you
night x

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notjustmom · 16/01/2008 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

namechangealso · 16/01/2008 22:40

Mikamamamoo Am not sure if I can receive messages... haven't paid any subs

If yr msg doesnt get through, perhaps I can give you my email address on here?

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 16/01/2008 22:55

ok, me again, I just can't turn this computer off! ok namechangealso, just let me know, maybe if the message doesn't get through you could post a message on the meetups bit? Am a bit inexperienced on the contacting mumsnetter section so didn't know you have to pay to receive messages, sorry!

OP posts:
discoverlife · 16/01/2008 23:07

2 things could be going on here.

  1. is the very true saying of ' use it or lose it'. Men & women lose the desire for sex because of lack of sex, the less you get the less you want.
  2. A man who is frightened of performing will bring about that lack of performance through anxiety. DH had a bad day, in pain, tired etc. and couldn't 'get it up'. I thought nothing of it until the next time we tried and he couldn't get it up again because he was so anxious (men are so attached to their pricks). A bit of cuddling and a lot of foreplay sorted that. But it was only the one incident, if your Dh has had years to re-inforce his belief, he could well have made himself impotent.
brimfull · 16/01/2008 23:16

I don't want to offend but is there any chance he is homosexual?

stillinlovewithexboyfriend · 16/01/2008 23:25

My ex H was like this after DC2. It went on like this for several years like you and I got tired of being constantly rebuffed. In fact it (lack of regular affection/sex) made me quite ill.

Never really got to the bottom of it. It left me on the floor in terms of self esteem/feeling like a woman and was a major factor in us splitting up.

He has moved on to a new relationship, which appears to be going well since so there was no inherent problem with his tackle, so to speak.

I think he just didn't fancy me anymore, our relationship was crap and he felt very oppressed by our situation - both working hard with two young DCs.

He wasn't the type of person I could say dirty things to, as previous poster suggested. Too uptight!!

However since then I have had a fling with an ex (see namechange) which was so sexual - I could say anything to him I know I am still firing on all cylinders with the right person.

Don't know if that helps at all.

toomanydaves · 17/01/2008 10:03

I'm going through this atm....just confronted dh about it last night after 8 years of rubbish sex...not total drought but just totally unsatisfying and horrible. I am considering leaving him, he has begged me not to, and we are going to try relate and all that, but he seems to think he doesn't need to change anything about himself internally, that taking a bit more holiday will do it. I am very about this, have nearly been unfaithful but managed not to, and am gagging for some passionate, no holds barred sex before I get too old and wrinkly.

toomanydaves · 17/01/2008 10:04

Sorry that probably wasn't very helpful - but there are a lot of us out here...

clumsymum · 17/01/2008 10:15

No one else has asked this but, is there any physical contact between you at all? Do you cuddle, kiss, sleep in the same bed?

Do you laugh together (might seem a bit strange, but is quite an intimate thing, and often a sign of 'togetherness')?

I think maybe you need to take a step back from the sex, and look at the other aspects of your relationship first?

bethoo · 17/01/2008 10:16

maybe if you investigate what triggered it? was he there at the birth as i know that sometimes when men (not all) witness the birth it can unleash many emotions like guilt (watching you writhe in pain ) and they fear gettign you pregnant so you have to go through that again. have you tried just forcing yourself on him or trying ohter things like felatio? just a thought. did he have a high sex drive before or was it always just moderate? sorry if prying.

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 17/01/2008 11:04

Hi again,

Thanks for all your comments. Toomanydaves, you have my sympathy, the whole thing makes you feel horrible about yourself. Discoverlife, I think you are probably spot on, but DH is not the kind of person who will push himself forward to interupt the vicious circle. His family are very adept at the whole denial thing (his mum has been seriously ill several times with ongoing illness but pretends nothing is wrong, which drives DH mad!!!) clumsymum, the rest of our relationship is surprisingly ok,he does try and cuddle me, but starting to suffer now because of this, its impacting on my self esteem and am starting to resent him for his lack of action (both literally and in order to resolve things) Also, years ticking past and likelihood of more babies decreasing, not sure I could forgive that one. Pretty sure he isn't gay, but he did have v victorian upbringing and finds it hard to maintain relationships Also, have known him for 11 years and in whole time his sister (36) hasnt had single relationship. Not judging her on that but is a little unusual. Gosh, that was a bit longwinded,sorry everyone!

OP posts:
clumsymum · 17/01/2008 11:14

"he does try and cuddle me",

Does that mean he tries to make himself cuddle you, or he cuddles but you stiffen up and reject the contact. If it's the latter then you are going to get into a spiral you can't get out of.

I guess you need to get back to enjoying affection together. Cuddle in bed. Kiss. You need to work at this, both of you, together. Can you let him cuddle you in bed, then stroke him (his back, or his shoulders). will he massage you?

I believe some therapists do suggest this type of thing, you don't even mention sex at all for a few weeks, you just get conmfortable with being close together. Then one day in the future, a massage goes a little bit closer, and so on....

Would you be prepared to give it try?

Original poster
Mikamakamoo · 17/01/2008 11:21

Yes, you are right about the spiral. He is always asking me to sit with him for a cuddle on the sofa in the evenings etc but I now say no. I suppose I'm a bit strange but am unable to fake hugs and affection and feel so angry with him now (not just for this, he works too many hours and is never here.. but thats an entirely separate whinge!) Its also really difficult to get him to come to bed, though we have taken to listening to our favourite music in bed lately which is something we share a love of. I should make more effort at affection but just feel like he thinks I'm his sister, which makes me cringe and pull away. I will try, I think (she says, gritting her teeth )

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