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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you be put off by this?

135 replies

whatshouldIdo2022 · 06/07/2022 18:52

Been seeing a guy for a while, previously dated him then life took us separate ways so he's not a totally unknown quantity. We get on really well, lots of shared views, sense of humour, we just 'get' each other. I wouldn't say I want to rip his clothes off but he's attractive to me because of the connection we have. We've kissed and talked about having sex. Tomorrow I'm meant to be going to his and we've both been making inferences to that being the night, however..he's started saying things the last few days that have frankly turned me right off. Such as "I'd give an arm to fucking batter you every morning before work" I wouldn't say I'm a prude but this made me feel a bit scared? Intimidated? Its overly crude and a bit aggressive to me and that along with some other similar things he's said make me feel like he views sex as something you do 'to' a woman, or at least he likes the thought of that. He's a very intelligent man and doesn't normally talk like this. I said I didn't particularly like what he'd said and he replied that he just speaks figuratively.
Today I sent him a picture of a peacock I'd seen out and about and he said are you gazing in awe at the towering cock before you..this really just gave me the ick. I'm not really into the whole meek damsel in distress cock worshipping trope.
Not sure what I'm looking for here..my sexual boundaries are a bit skewed by being in a sexless relationship for a long time and feeling really undesirable, so I'm not sure if I'm being a bit sensitive or not. Its nice he clearly wants me but my gut is screaming at me that something isn't right. I feel like maybe if I were responding in a similar manner it would be fine but that the fact he keeps on in this vein when I'm not shows a lack of respect for me.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 17/11/2022 15:33

I said I didn't particularly like what he'd said and he replied that he just speaks figuratively.

FFS ditch the DARVO'ing twat - this won't improve.
The only response that would be acceptable was "I'm sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn't mean to insult or upset you."

This is who he is - this is how he thinks - you can tell him that you dislike his speech, but all that will happen is he will pushback & tell you how you are wrong to object.
Even if he chooses to amend his speech, you'll still know that this is the real him, & he is just masking his unpleasant attitude to sex & women.
And as soon as he thinks he has you 'hooked' - he will revert, & when you object - he will DARVO you for it -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

KettrickenSmiled · 17/11/2022 15:36

whatshouldIdo2022 · 06/07/2022 19:03

I don't know what to say to him! Despite this he is a nice guy and I know he'll be upset he's gone too far and put me off..but then this is him, I wouldn't want him to tone it down just so I shag him. He asked if the peacock thing was too much and I just replied with yes. I feel like he's kind of testing what he can get away with saying to me Confused

Good instinct OP - he is boundary testing you.

The fact that he asked if the peacock comment was "too much" shows that he already KNEW it was too much.
So why would he say it, knowing you would dislike it?
I reckon he's enjoying the transgressive frisson of pushing your buttons & seeing just how much he can get away with.

Beware sharks - www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/11/2022 15:38

Cocacolacazza · 06/07/2022 18:58

The first one wasn't too bad, but God thar Peacock one was awful! Is he 12?

So this wasn't too bad?

Such as "I'd give an arm to fucking batter you every morning before work"

Really?

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/11/2022 15:39

You're right - he sees sex as something he does to a woman. It's aggressive language. I'd find it a real turn off and frightening, too.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/11/2022 15:41

whatshouldIdo2022 · 16/11/2022 18:38

Well he's messaged me every month or so since asking if I want to meet up/come for dinner etc, not mentioned what I said to him or attempted an explanation so I think that puts him firmly in the boundary pusher/ignorer category in case there was any doubt!

Sorry OP I didn't initially realise your thread is a few months on ...

I reckon he has a stirng of women on his back-burner who he keeps in touch with just frequently enough to pretend it's 'friendly contact' ... in reality, he's just lining them up to be the next shag.

I bet if you'd gone ahead & slept with him (ugh!!!) he would have cooled RIGHT off.

You've done really well, spotting & dealing with this arse.
Now BLOCK him!

lurchermummy · 17/11/2022 17:11

To be honest the towering cock thing I would have found quite funny but to refer to sex as "fucking battering" you is seriously icky. I'm not saying he should be twee and say "make love" but that tone says a lot about how he sees the act.

RedAppleGirl · 17/11/2022 17:15

He sounds like a prince.
😬

dlizi4 · 17/11/2022 23:18

isamonster · 06/07/2022 18:59

Erm yes. I have dumped people for less. 🤢

Me too

scoobydoo1971 · 17/11/2022 23:36

He sounds like Sid James trying to be poetic. The master of pornographic cliches...honestly you just cannot have sex with this man. You'll be trying to get into it, and that peacock will pop up in your head...it will be all over after that.

feelingfree17 · 17/11/2022 23:41

Gross 🤢

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