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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants to finish work

85 replies

Summeriscomin1 · 06/07/2022 07:59

I imagine I will be told I'm the one in the wrong here but I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
I'll keep it simple. Been together a very long time, have two primary age kids.
It was decided jointly when we had kids that I would stay home whilst they were small, he would work. I would then return to work after a couple of years.
During that time he climbed the career ladder to a senior position. I offered to return to work and have done many times since but he forbid me to because we would have to pay for childcare, and currently he doesn't have to think twice about anything to do with the kids, I do absolutely everything. I run the house and do everything for the kids. He's never had to go shopping, do a school run, never took them to the doctors, etc. His time at home is spent relaxing and gaming.
Over time we've started to have marriage problems. Covid made it worse. I became very lonely and isolated at home all the time. We stopped being intimate, we sleep in seperate rooms. We've tried to address it many times. Things get better for a short while them slip back.
He earns well now and for the first time ever we have a little bit of savings. He learns he's having a new boss at work who he can't stand and decides instantly he wants to leave with no job to go to. Since them (a few weeks ago) he seems to have become depressed. He told me yesterday (told me, not asked) that he's handing his notice in on Friday, and he's not going to work anymore. I need to go to work instead. I'm absolutely fine with this, I want to go to work, but my earning power is 1/3 of his. My wage won't even pay the bills. I offered again for me to work and top up us, or for us both to work part time so he can cut back. Answer was no to everything. What are we going to do? Even if we make this change our marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is

OP posts:

Honaloulou · 06/07/2022 08:04

I wouldn't want to be married to someone so awful.

Original poster

Summeriscomin1 · 06/07/2022 08:07

I've asked him if he wants to seperate many times, he says no. But I think either we just darent say it or are putting up with things because of the children. He adores the kids and I know he wouldn't want to spend time apart from them because he's told me this. I feel so trapped.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 06/07/2022 08:08

I'd think about ending your marriage. How has he never been shopping, done a school run etc? He clearly does no house stuff or parenting when he isn't it work, he isn't a partner at all.

If you work and he doesn't you will do all of the house stuff and parenting when you're not working (and probably stuff when you are working too).

NerrSnerr · 06/07/2022 08:08

He doesn't have to agree to a separation. You need to make your own decisions and get legal advise.

BackToTheTop · 06/07/2022 08:09

He sounds like a bully. He 'forbid' you to work. Anyone like this would be an ex.

But if you want to go back to work, then I'd take the opportunity now. He obviously knows you don't have the earning potential and reality will hit when you stop doing everything in the home (which is strongly recommended you do) on the days you're at work. Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to get back on the career ladder and then when you do leave him (which you should), you'll be more financially secure

Doorsdoyle · 06/07/2022 08:21

Well, someone has to work, so it needs to be you. If your salary is only a third of his, could you make a UC claim while he's off?

Original poster

Summeriscomin1 · 06/07/2022 08:21

He has said that he wants to spend more time with the children and he will look after the house.
I have now been a housewife for ten years so have a massive gap on my cv. I also have a chronic back and leg condition which can have me bedridden for a few days multiple times a year. I'm not trying to make excuses because I want to work but it will affect the type of work I can get, such as no heavy lifting. I think he feels like he doesn't want to be the main breadwinner and have all the pressure on him any more but I can't match his wage, thats the reality of the situation. He's also said we need to sell the car! I don't know if it's depressing, mid life crisis or what. I'm so absolutely terrified if being the one to say let's seperate because he has a nasty streak in him. I feel like he will want to make life hard for me and stop me from seeing my kids etc /make up lies about me. I want him to be the one who says it.

OP posts:

Miajk · 06/07/2022 08:22

Tell him you're leaving and you can have kids 50/50 so he can look forward to childcare and does have to work anyway, to sustain his own living costs.

NerrSnerr · 06/07/2022 08:23

Doorsdoyle · 06/07/2022 08:21

Well, someone has to work, so it needs to be you. If your salary is only a third of his, could you make a UC claim while he's off?

I really don't think you can make a UC claim because he has decided he can't be arsed to work.

If the OP and him separate then she can.

WhenDovesFly · 06/07/2022 08:23

I'd be making it very clear to him that I'd he was to become the SAHP then he would be doing all the housework, life admin and childcare that you currently do and when you return from work you'd expect to relax and do hobbies, as he currently does.

Also, ask him calmly how he expects bills and shopping to be paid for if your salary doesn't cover them. The government doesn't just hand out benefits because someone chooses not to work [ok so that's debatable for another thread], so how will the shortfall be addressed?

Shgytfgtf111 · 06/07/2022 08:23

Is he depressed? It might be worth him getting signed off work for a bit rather than just handing his notice in. Would he not have done that if it wasnt for this new manager?

WhenDovesFly · 06/07/2022 08:27

I'd personally get out now. You've been the SAHP and will hopefully get resident parent. If you leave it another few years and you're working and he isn't, he might claim he should be RP.

Dancinginthedark01 · 06/07/2022 08:31

Be careful about divorcing him while he is a stay at home parent.

Bollindger · 06/07/2022 08:31

To be honest I would leave him.
You know the children are at the age where they can grab food, don't need nappies and stay in bed and don't cry unless hurt. You did all this, you parented the worst part.
Why should he suddenly take over the relaxed part and stay home to game.
Also him not being there won't effect your claim much and you will get help with renting, also he will use you to find his lie ins, as with no car he won't want to do school runs or after school.

knittingaddict · 06/07/2022 08:32

Is it possible that he is trying to get himself into the position of being the SAHP and become the children's primary care giver? That's what would worry me, if the relationship is in trouble. I would tread very carefully op.

Thereisnolight · 06/07/2022 08:33

Sorry things are tough for you both right now. Things have come to a head with him at home (marital problems) and work (difficult manager) so he has bailed out.

You have wanted to go back to work for a while and now you have childcare so go for it. Even if it’s poorly paid, it’ll get you out of the house and meeting people. You never know, things might improve between you and DH and he might go back to work himself after a while. Give it a chance - he’s clearly unhappy at work, and you’ve been wanting to work so switch places and see how it goes.

And if things don’t work out, at least you’ll be starting to build a life/money for yourself.

I suppose some mumsnetters might say to be careful that if you do split and he’s not working and you are, that he might get custody and you’ll be paying him maintenance. So maybe keep an eye on this possibility to make sure he doesn’t try that.

Thereisnolight · 06/07/2022 08:35

Oops I missed where you said he had a nasty streak. In that case, be very careful.

ArcticSkewer · 06/07/2022 08:37

What's your financial situation? Is he manoeuvring to pay you less if you divorce and to claim he is the main parent?

Original poster

Summeriscomin1 · 06/07/2022 09:00

I'm not sure if he's purposely doing it to become resident parent because I don't think he would want that tbh, but it's something I hadn't considered so will do now.
If we were to seperate I would be happy with 50/50 etc, we only have a few thousand in savings which would be eaten up by court costs so it's only the house and thats in my name and belongs to me. I think that's why he stays, because he's never had to pay rent or a mortgage

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 06/07/2022 09:11

That is a lot easier if the house is in your name. If you want to separate speak to a solicitor. He doesn't have to agree to it, it is your life as well and you're entitled to live it as you wish.

CrotchetyQuaver · 06/07/2022 09:31

Hold on, if the house is yours, is he not trying to stake a claim on the house by becoming the SAHP?

HundredMilesAnHour · 06/07/2022 09:35

So the house is only in your name and the mortgage is paid off? (you say he's never paid a mortgage but he's been the only one working)

MaJoady · 06/07/2022 09:50

Surely if you are married, (and it's not a short marriage) then the house is a joint asset no matter whose name it is in?

MaJoady · 06/07/2022 09:52

Get some leg advice OP. That way you can make a decision with the facts.

You can choose to leave or stay, and your H doesn't need to know you took advice. But it does seem clear that your partnership is dead: you aren't pulling together in the same direction at all.

AquaticSewingMachine · 06/07/2022 09:55

If he refuses to work and what you would earn won't pay your bills, I honestly don't see that you have any choice but to separate. It's that or penury. If you separate you can claim top-up benefits and start to establish a life without needing to care whether he's working or not. If you stay, it'll just be to watch your financial situation get worse and worse and worse. Also, a man who hasn't lifted a finger for the kids in 10 years is going to make a shit SAHD.

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