Husband wants to finish work

[Summeriscomin1]

I imagine I will be told I'm the one in the wrong here but I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
I'll keep it simple. Been together a very long time, have two primary age kids.
It was decided jointly when we had kids that I would stay home whilst they were small, he would work. I would then return to work after a couple of years.
During that time he climbed the career ladder to a senior position. I offered to return to work and have done many times since but he forbid me to because we would have to pay for childcare, and currently he doesn't have to think twice about anything to do with the kids, I do absolutely everything. I run the house and do everything for the kids. He's never had to go shopping, do a school run, never took them to the doctors, etc. His time at home is spent relaxing and gaming.
Over time we've started to have marriage problems. Covid made it worse. I became very lonely and isolated at home all the time. We stopped being intimate, we sleep in seperate rooms. We've tried to address it many times. Things get better for a short while them slip back.
He earns well now and for the first time ever we have a little bit of savings. He learns he's having a new boss at work who he can't stand and decides instantly he wants to leave with no job to go to. Since them (a few weeks ago) he seems to have become depressed. He told me yesterday (told me, not asked) that he's handing his notice in on Friday, and he's not going to work anymore. I need to go to work instead. I'm absolutely fine with this, I want to go to work, but my earning power is 1/3 of his. My wage won't even pay the bills. I offered again for me to work and top up us, or for us both to work part time so he can cut back. Answer was no to everything. What are we going to do? Even if we make this change our marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is

Doing absolutely fuck all with the kids for ten years and indeed forbidding you from working so that he wouldn't have to do a single thing for them, is a strange way of expressing his adoration.

Does he even know them as people? How can he? Or does he just like the image of himself as a "loving family man"?

I sincerely hope that if he does resign and you go out to work full time, you make him go through a thorough training on how to run the house and set your expectations very firmly. He probably thinks all he has to do is the school runs and you’ll sort everything when you get in while he sits about gaming.

You can get childcare- im a single parent to primary school age children and have always worked full time.

I do think you need to separate- you both sound miserable.

This, if married ALL assets and debts are joint. Includes all homes /houses no matter whose name in and all pensions no matter whose name
so he will be entitled to share of house, but you will be entitled to part of his pension. How you balance it up is dependant on your needs first as determined by court criteria of “fair settlement” which does NOT start at 50:50 as many people think. It starts with needs for each of you and children and then a bunch of other factors, and only uses 50:50 if spare assets after your needs are met.

In your position, I would NOT go out to work whilst you are still married, leaving him at home. He won't do the housework, he won't do the life admin, you will be lucky if he puts a load in the washing machine (if he can work out which buttons to press). You will end up working outside the home and then coming home to do everything else. You will be working all day and all evening and weekends just to keep on top of things.

Plus there is the danger that if you worked for a while he would try to claim resident parent status in a divorce.

I suggest you let him leave work, go on UC as a family, let him feel the financial shock, e.g. eating really cheap food, having the heating turned off, cancelling TV subscriptions and phone contracts (get PAYG), no new clothes, no shopping for anything except absolute essentials. DON'T run up debts. He will either go back to work, or just get more and more abusive to you.
Then divorce him asap.

After you are divorced and living as a single parent, you can get your head around working and sorting childcare - but not before.
If he pressures you and verbally abuses you in the meantime, you can put on a show of applying for jobs or re-training (UC will demand you both do this anyway I believe), but don't take a job if he is at home all day.

First things first - what access do you have to money? Joint account? Your own account? Any joint savings? Where is your emergency fund? Would your dad lend you the money for a car if he sold the family car?

OP,

Your relationship is abusive and controlling.

His not allowing you to return to work is coercive control, which is a crime.

Call Womens aid.

Your father and husband have infantalised you, such is the level of control you are under.

You desperately need to tell your GP the truth and talk to Women's aid.

Legal advice us a great start.

I think you need to prepare yourself.
there is more to this.

All the very best.

He's going in to work today to meet the new boss (although he already knows him). So we shall see what's what when he comes back. He did say he would be handing his notice in today to this new guy but I don't know if he is or not.
I did see yesterday on his open laptop that he was applying for other jobs so that's a little more positive

Good advice.