Husband wants to finish work

[Summeriscomin1]

I imagine I will be told I'm the one in the wrong here but I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
I'll keep it simple. Been together a very long time, have two primary age kids.
It was decided jointly when we had kids that I would stay home whilst they were small, he would work. I would then return to work after a couple of years.
During that time he climbed the career ladder to a senior position. I offered to return to work and have done many times since but he forbid me to because we would have to pay for childcare, and currently he doesn't have to think twice about anything to do with the kids, I do absolutely everything. I run the house and do everything for the kids. He's never had to go shopping, do a school run, never took them to the doctors, etc. His time at home is spent relaxing and gaming.
Over time we've started to have marriage problems. Covid made it worse. I became very lonely and isolated at home all the time. We stopped being intimate, we sleep in seperate rooms. We've tried to address it many times. Things get better for a short while them slip back.
He earns well now and for the first time ever we have a little bit of savings. He learns he's having a new boss at work who he can't stand and decides instantly he wants to leave with no job to go to. Since them (a few weeks ago) he seems to have become depressed. He told me yesterday (told me, not asked) that he's handing his notice in on Friday, and he's not going to work anymore. I need to go to work instead. I'm absolutely fine with this, I want to go to work, but my earning power is 1/3 of his. My wage won't even pay the bills. I offered again for me to work and top up us, or for us both to work part time so he can cut back. Answer was no to everything. What are we going to do? Even if we make this change our marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is

I'm going to see a solicitor next week to get some advice. We had legal documents drawn up for the house that he would recieve 20% of the full value on seperation.

Why have you been 'offering' to work, and not just getting a job if you want one? In what way did he 'forbid' you? Childcare is just an excuse (for both of you) really. Why isn't he doing anything at all with the kids? He should want to.
He sounds very stressed about work, but I highly doubt he's going to leave. However this should be enough of a warning that he cannot be relied upon so you need to start making plans.
This clearly isn't working. You need to work through your issues together or end it. Neither of you can make this supposed partnership work on your own. In the mean time look for work so that isn't a barrier to leaving, and you are not do reliant financially on him.

So in addition to wanting you to work full-time, he expects you (with mobility problems) to get there and back on public transport?

The op's name on the deeds is irrelevant. The house will be a marital asset and it will be part of the financial settlement.

I'm not sure how legally binding that will be in a divorce. Is this a deed of trust or a pre nup?

Also full value or equity?

20% of the full value. My dad actually owns the house but put it into my name and a solicitor sat with us all and we dree up legal documents. We were already married at this time.

Regarding why don't I just go and get a job. In reality it just isn't that easy. He has flaty refused to do any of the childcare because his job is "so important he can't just be taking time off for kids." Ive explained to him multiple times that you only get 5 weeks holiday from work and there are 13 weeks school holidays so how could I cover that? On top of inset days, snow day's, sick days etc. I've been trying to look for work from home jobs though which would make things easier in that respect

Well he'd have them half of every week wouldn't he? Probably see more of them than he has done so far.

That's a really good point. My husband and I seperated when mine were 9 and 5 and he insisted on 50/50 having previously done precious little parenting. . I know it would have been a different story if they were 1 and 5, I had put in the hard yards, the good routines etc in the early years which meant he got all the kudos of having two (mostly) lovely well reared children which of course he was seen as being MARVELLOUS to have 50% of the time. GRRRR

Your choices seem to be

1. Tell him it's over and he needs to leave. Put in a claim for benefits. If he quits work you'll get nothing from him financially but 50/50 will be easier

1. Tell him fine. Start looking for work. You're not paying mortgage so your outgoings won't be massively high. Apply for UC to top you up.

1. Ignore him and see if he actually does quit then do 2.

He sounds awful. But this stands out to me.

I offered to return to work and have done many times since but he forbid me to

Forbid? If you wanted to work it was not for him to decide you couldn’t. It sounds abusive.

He wants the house and he wants you to pay him maintenance. Your marriage is over and he is a scheming bastard.

I know what's done is done but I don't understand why you agreed to this. Or why your father signed the house over to you.

It sounds like he's thinking he'll resign from his job and do nothing, you'll get fed up and kick him out, then he gets 20% of the house value and once that's in his pocket, he'll probably get another well paid job and have a nice cash sum too. Or even worse, freelance as a limited company so he can insist he earns peanuts and you'll get sod all child support.

He does not sound like a good man. Glad you're getting legal advice.

He can't forbid you to work. It is 2022 not 1922. Don't let him dictate to you. I would not be tolerating his attitude at all and no sex either. Not much to stay with him for. I would divorce him and go back to work. He can sort himself out.

Why are you allowing him to be the sole decision maker?!

Stand up for yourself! You're a human too!

Get a job, build up your earnings and leave him. Find someone who respects you.

I'm confused, didn't you already post for advice about leaving him? I don't think the 20% share/dad-owned house is a common scenario.

Regardless, you are allowed to take control of your own life, you don't have to wait for him to give you permission.

It's good that you're seeing a solicitor. Give them the full details so they can correctly advise you.

Your dad doesn't own the house if it's in your name.

If you haven't filed for divorce, get legal advice on giving it back to your dad maybe, as otherwise that house is going to be part of your marital asset and split 50:50.

You could hide or move assets now well before divorce.

It sounds like neither of you are happy; and some couples counselling could really help you both to think about the future and where you both want to go (and if you both want to stay together; or take a different option where you separate and co-parent). A counsellor could help you to explore these options together. Best of luck 🌸

Get legal advice.

I cannot see any judge up holding a contract whereby the resident parent (which will be your husband) gets only 20% of the marital home being the only/main asset of the marriage, whilst he has no job having worked and supported his family for years.

You will lose the house, or he will be awarded the bulk of it more likely due to being the main carer of the children, the children's housing needs will be prioritised.

Be very careful. Sounds like your H knows what he is doing.

For gods sake kick him out and start divorce proceedings he sounds awful 😞 and a bully
You deserve so much better he's being horrible

Go back and read your post OP.
You are just as bad as him, allowing him to decide what happens and what doesn't. So he works and you do everything else.. your choice. Now you want to separate and have to ask ???
Get some self respect back. Find a job - any job and stop being reliant on this bully of a man that you probably created

Does you DH really want to leave his job or is he, given what's going in the world with Covid and Brexit etc, getting the sack and he's too ashamed to say sth to you? This story doesn't add up, sorry. He's a bloody workaholic, doesn't want you to work so he can go higher, and all of the sudden he wants to get out...!? No, he doesn't, he's being made to get out. Open your eyes OP, stop being naive and start looking for a job that pays at least he bills before you run out of savings. Good luck to you and to your DH.

Thanks for all the comments. Yes I have posted before, name changed.
I wish we werent in this situation. I've always been around controlling men. My dad is very controlling. He essentially forced us to do the house this way, we were only 20 years old. He kept insisting over and over it would give us more security etc. Ive felt trapped ever since as he dictates to us over the house and there's the finandisl issues that come along with a separation.
Then husband starting to be controlling aswell being the sole financial provider. He would swear blind that he's not but he is the decision maker of the family, and I find it hard to stand up for myself.

His job is fine, he's here working from home nearly all the time so I hear all the conversations. Hes telling me he's burnt out and feels depressed and this new manager coming has just tipped him over the edge it seems.

If he's getting a new manager, the sound thing to do would be to give that person a week or two before deciding. Him being on the phone all the time, means nothing imho, sorry. A new manager might mean changes at work. Where's the other manager going?...
I think burn out comes over time and as the wife you would see it coming, you'd get signs. I'm not sure he would go from I want a promotion one week to I want to quit the next. I think people struggle for a long while, instead of stopping when they should that's why they burn out. I don't see it as a two week thing.
Still, you need to look at the practical side of your life now and crack on. There's no point in dwelling on it. Though I suspect, when you realise you enjoy working and having your own money, DH will get a kick in the behind as I don't see much love there.

Exactly this @Summeriscomin1 if the status quo is him looking after the kids it puts you in a more perilous position re residence etc

It seems like a complete overreaction and really extreme behaviour.

he is making decisions for both of you without consulting you. That’s ok if it suits you but now it does not!!!

honestly, I’d ask him to contact a counsellor before handing in his notice. Does he have an employee assistance programme at work? He needs to talk to someone (that isn’t you because he takes no notice of you) and consider what he is doing before he makes a huge mistake.

ask him to go on sick leave before he hands in his notice, while he seeks some counselling or life coaching urgently.