Husband wants to finish work

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I imagine I will be told I'm the one in the wrong here but I have noone in real life to talk to about it.
I'll keep it simple. Been together a very long time, have two primary age kids.
It was decided jointly when we had kids that I would stay home whilst they were small, he would work. I would then return to work after a couple of years.
During that time he climbed the career ladder to a senior position. I offered to return to work and have done many times since but he forbid me to because we would have to pay for childcare, and currently he doesn't have to think twice about anything to do with the kids, I do absolutely everything. I run the house and do everything for the kids. He's never had to go shopping, do a school run, never took them to the doctors, etc. His time at home is spent relaxing and gaming.
Over time we've started to have marriage problems. Covid made it worse. I became very lonely and isolated at home all the time. We stopped being intimate, we sleep in seperate rooms. We've tried to address it many times. Things get better for a short while them slip back.
He earns well now and for the first time ever we have a little bit of savings. He learns he's having a new boss at work who he can't stand and decides instantly he wants to leave with no job to go to. Since them (a few weeks ago) he seems to have become depressed. He told me yesterday (told me, not asked) that he's handing his notice in on Friday, and he's not going to work anymore. I need to go to work instead. I'm absolutely fine with this, I want to go to work, but my earning power is 1/3 of his. My wage won't even pay the bills. I offered again for me to work and top up us, or for us both to work part time so he can cut back. Answer was no to everything. What are we going to do? Even if we make this change our marriage is hanging on by a thread as it is

Only you know the situation, but from what you've put you need to tread very carefully here.

I hope he isn't going to be giving up his job, and then slap you with a divorce soon as you start working. As with him being the SAHP in that situation he is more than likely the one who will get to remain in the house, regardless of whose name it is in.

Seems very extreme over a new manager. Especially as he works from home most of the time. He could well be totally burnt out, but he does not seem to be flexible on this at all. Most people burnt out from their job would consider a job change, less hours, or just taking some time off temporarily to get their head together, not giving up completely and telling their spouse to get a job, after not allowing them to work for the last 10 years. And on top of that knowing full well that salary won't even cover the bills.

It just screams he knows what hes doing, and he is doing it to remain in the house. He likely realises if you divorce now, whilst you are the main SAHP, he'll have to be the one leaving.

I think its something you ought to consider if he is capable of that.

He's not treating your relationship as a partnership. You wanted to return to work earlier and he didn't find a way to support that. He now wants to stop or change jobs and yet he's made that decision unilaterally without discussing the balance of income or other duties with you.
The best case scenario is that this is a good opportunity for you to rebalance as a couple with him and you both sharing working hours and also childcare responsibility.
But he's not shown any maturity or willingness to do this. I wonder if your marriage is worth saving if he won't meet you halfway?I fear you're going to end up doing everything - working AND all the kids mental load. And you'll be worse off as a family financially.
You don't need to wait for him to leave. You can end the marriage if it isn't working.

"he forbid me to"

Ummmmmmm.... wtf

He forbade you from working post having your children.

He’s now ordering you to work and saying he’s not going to work anymore.

He’s making outrageous demands like ‘sell the car’.

He’s absolutely no idea how to do anything for the home and kids as he’s never bothered to do anything.

You will wind up doing everything. All of it.

He’s got a ‘nasty streak’ and you’re scared to end your marriage.

He’s abusive AF, you know that don’t you?

Why does he get to decide everything op?

First he forbid you to work. Now he is telling you that you HAVE to work, because he has suddenly decided not to. Everything to suit him, never you.

He knows what he’s doing and has a plan. The house is mostly yours, and if he divorced you now he’d have to move out. By stop working and sending you to work instead, you’ll be the one moving out and he gets to stay. Will you let him decide this too op?

Divorce him first, then get a job.

Burn me for this but it's separate not "separate" and it's separation not "seperation".

Typo? 😂

If the house is in your name , you own it , not your Dad.

I'd not bother to work for someone like this. When you work you work for your family, but he's not pulling his weight here.

I'd get him signed off with depression and claim UC and both not work.

You can earn as much as him. I'm a housewife and I have been working on my skills whilst keeping the home because keeping the home doesn't take long in the modern world.

I'd throw in the towel for a bit and upskill so I could walk into a decent job.

He does sound depressed.

It's not as easy as splitting because handing your children over to be cared for by someone with "a nasty streak" is dangerous. He could emotionally or physically harm the children to get at you. I would not risk it.

As long as you can cut back on lifestyle you can make anything work. Not having a mortgage and being willing to go down in comfort is what's got me out of loads of situations in the past.

Do you have a mortgage? If so he doesn't really have the choice to give up work as he is responsible for a huge long-term debt to a bank.

He needs to man up, but I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt first with regards to depression. He needs to pull his finger out and go and sign off and claim for it. If he's faking the shame of that will kick him into touch.

I'd refuse to work as well. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I'm going to try and talk to him again tomorrow. I've thought about everything alot today and have been given some very good advice. I am going to see a solicitor next week and I'm also going to speak to my parents because my dad will end up being the one locked in a battle with him. I need to prepare my dad aswell with some actual financial facts.
I am going to again ask him to not be so drastic and to maybe go off sick for a while. If on Friday he does put his notice in I really really don't know what to do. He just keeps trying to guilt trip me all the time, he's done his ten years working whilst I've been able to be at home "doing nothing" now it's his turn.
I was just going to go ahead and get a job etc for a few months to prove to him that life will be much harder for us on a much lower income, but now I've been advised on here about swapping roles there is no way I am going to do that.

Yeah I wouldn't want a house husband either. Ten years? That's not really how that works. If he's miserable in his job he should stick it out and apply for something else like we all do.

Why does he think he can work for ten year then stop working?

"Doing nothing"? Doesn't sound like he respects your position as a wife and mother.

Shame he's not a nice person and you can't just leave and co-parent like adults, but if he's going to be a hostile co-parent I'd prefer he be at home than out alone with my children. The children won't respect him if he carries on shirking providing for his family.

Why will your "dad end being the one locked in a battle with him" OP?? This doesn't make sense. The house is in YOUR name, he's YOUR husband. You say you've been together a long time and have primary age kids. So why are you involving your father? You seem to go from one controlling man to another and now back again? Isn't it time you stand on your feet?

If you want to save the marriage why don’t you both go part time?

Why do you need to go into the finances with your dad? You've said the house is in your name.

When you're ready tell them the facts (for example you're separating etc) but you don't need to go into money with your parents. None of their business.

He’s deluded.

If the house is in your name then it's very much your battle, not your dad's. He handed that over when he gifted the house to you.

You need to tell him to leave, its your house, your relationship is failing anyway & he has bailed on his responsabilitys to the family with 5 days notice.
You will get a job. what he does is up to him.
Sorry, you need to get him out before he becomes house husband "doing nothing"

@Thereisnolight I've already suggested we both go part time to him. He said no. He's not working at all.

Regarding my dad, yes, as ive said up thread, I've gone from one controlling man to another. My dad controls the whole family. He treats me and my husband like children. He expects to be consulted for his advice before any large purchase or decision even though he's not paying. He thinks he knows best over everything. The house was gifted to me, but he doesn't see it that way. He sees the house as his, not ours, even through legally its not his. He will be gobsmacked when he finds out that my husband might be entitled to half of it. I truly think that my dad would try and make me stay in the marriage

You are married so the house belongs to you both

My dad controls the whole family. He treats me and my husband like children. He expects to be consulted for his advice before any large purchase or decision even though he's not paying.

And you let him?? Why are you so passive? You don't sound even slightly concerned that other people run your life. You're an adult. What example are you setting to your kids? I think it's time to grow up OP and stand on your own two feet. Maybe you don't know any better but you must realise that this isn't normal. And it's massively unhealthy. Sounds like you need to stand up to both your father and your husband and start making your own decisions. Possibly for the first ever time in your life from the sounds of it.

Your dad has nothing to do with this. It's your house and your marriage. He can't make you do anything with the house, and he can't make you stay in your marriage.

Gently: it's time to grow up. If your dad throws a tantrum, let him. What matters is law, and in law his tantrum and his opinion are worth the square root of fuck all.

@HundredMilesAnHour I completely agree. I'm excited and ready for my new life, I've got it all planned out in my head. Just got to get brave enough to push through and do it

You don't need his permission to get a job.

He adores the kids? You’ve just said he does nothing for them and spends he spare time relaxing and gaming.

He sounds totally unreasonable and his reaction to a new boss is bizarre. Is there more to it than he’s letting on? Has he been fired?