Fast moving relationship

[NewLove101]

At the beginning of the year I went on a dating website for the first time in my life. I've recently separated from my husband of 15 years (mutual separation as relationship run it's course and both agreed to move on).

I very quickly got chatting with a guy online and we went on a first date within 2 weeks of first messaging each other. Things went well, second date planned instantly and we've now been dating for five months.

We message each other every day, spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with). We connected so quickly and easily I've wondered if he is 'the one'. If everything that has happened in my life was leading up to meeting this amazing guy who thinks the world of me. We have already said "I love you" and he's given me a key to his house.

I've met his parents and friends and I love every minute I spend with him. I am still married to my ex, with the divorce to sort. I've been honest about everything and he's been very understanding.

Anyway, he's been talking a lot about future holidays, milestone birthdays in a few years and even things to do with the children when they're older. I sometimes forget I've only known this guy from this year, rather than my whole life.

OK, to the point finally...is it too soon to think about marriage with this guy?

He's never been married. Recently he was best man at his friends wedding and he's told me he'd like to get married one day. He even said what honeymoon and cake he'd have! He's asked if I would ever remarry (yes I would, I don't regret getting married it was mostly good).

I joked about making a 'relationship agreement' recently like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and he said the only contract he'd sign would mean putting a ring on his finger. This last week an acquaintance of his I met for the first time asked if we we're getting married. I smiled and said 'no'. My boyfriend looked at me (as if to gauge my reaction) then confirmed 'no' but it was said calmly, not defiant or surprised. My 5 year old son also asked this week if we're getting married. I have not mentioned anything of this nature to my son. I think in his innocence he thinks grown ups just get married when together. When I told my boyfriend this, his response was "what did you say?". I replied "the truth, I said no we're girlfriend/boyfriend" and left it at that. Then today watching TV, I read a sign from the crowd aloud saying "Marry me xzy (celeb name)' and he spun round so fast, I wonder if he thought I was proposing! I can't stop thinking about marrying this man.

Is it crazy to think of marriage again so soon? Has anyone else done this?

Hmm. He's never been married before, you say. How old are you both?

Having experienced an almost identical situation, this sounds very much like love bombing. Enjoy it while you can OP but don't let it blind you to everything else.

I don’t see what is weird about making sure that you know the person well before having them live with your children?

no one is saying not to have a relationship, just really get to know them before moving him in and blending families. Those people saying that they are blissfully happy would also have been blissfully happy if they had waited longer before moving them in. That mother saying she let her boyfriend babysit her kids after she had known him for 2 days like it is a badge of honour instead of a completely irresponsible thing to do.

That mother saying she let her boyfriend babysit her kids after she had known him for 2 days like it is a badge of honour instead of a completely irresponsible thing to do.

No it was showing that sometimes life isn’t as simple as you think on MN when the situation hasn’t happened to you. I’d have never thought that was a good idea- and actually if you read what I said I had known him longer as a long distance thing over the phone- but he had only been with me physically for 2 days… but I knew him then and knew for a fact he posed absolutely no risk to my children at all. I’d have bet my life on it and I was right. It wasn’t irresponsible at all.

For me, as a single mum it was more important to have a committed relationship as I didn’t want a procession of men in and out of my childrens’ lives. So I only became involved where I saw a real future- and as it was real there was no point in wasting time. Marriage was important to me which is why I remarried so quickly- and hanging around wouldn’t have been right for me.

I had known him longer as a long distance thing over the phone- but he had only been with me physically for 2 days… but I knew him then and knew for a fact he posed absolutely no risk to my children at all. I’d have bet my life on it and I was right. It wasn’t irresponsible at all.

the fuck

you were lucky, not right. What an absolutely insane thing to do and then justify.

I understand where you are coming from, but really it's OK for you to be able to have a life beyond the children without them needing to get involved. I guess I was under the impression you were meeting your new boyfriend when the children were at their Dad's, therefore they wouldn't be that aware of what was happening.

I think the only reason I would have considered it too soon is because in your original post you mentioned that you'd only split from their Dad at the end of last year, and within 4-5 months they've now met a new boyfriend. It sounds as if your kids are OK with this and adjusted well, but it's always a bit of a risk. My son likes my exes girlfriend and her kids, but he's really struggled with the concept that Mummy and Daddy aren't getting back together and that he doesn't have his Daddy's full attention anymore. It's not been specifically voiced by him, but the changes in his behaviour due to the rapid changes my ex has put him through is really evident and linked to what has happened.

Personally, I would have waited 6 months with your circumstances, but I also do agree that I wouldn't be adverse to introducing someone I was comfortable with as a friend within 3-4 months if there had been a decent amount of time since the split with the father. I'm 10 months out of the relationship with my ex, and if I was to meet someone now (that I didn't already know, i.e.; online) I know I would be waiting 6 months or so because my son is adjusting still to the breakup.

Yeah, I have to agree with this. Long distance after meeting once doesn't mean you can measure up someone's suitability in my opinion.

My exes girlfriend had him round on date 3 in her home with her kids upstairs. On date 3 with my ex (when childless) I wouldn't even let him see where I lived because I didn't know him!

@NewLove101

Is he back with his feet under the table then OP?

Who says 'keep it secret'?

Tell the children you're seeing someone but there is certainly no need to get them involved early on.

Of course children shouldn’t be introduced this soon, you’ve no idea yourself so soon if it would last. They will have a lot to process with the separation of their parents.

This situation sounds like it is going to end with a bang.

Enjoy yourself. It seems to be going well. Everyone moves at different paces - just enjoy the present, sort your divorce and live in the moment. If it works out great if it doesn't you'll figure it out.

If you think it's 'going' well based on the first and subsequent posts then you are as deluded as OP.

Re-read them and tell me you still think it's 'going well'?!

And that's not even taking into account her kids.

He's making me very happy right now.

He's only been to mine three times in five months as I'm conscious it's my children's home. I go to his each Saturday night. When with their Dad the children would still video call to say hello or good night so they knew I wasn't at home. I never wanted to say they couldn't call me, I'm always contactable for them. He's not asked anything from me, we just enjoy each others company and have similar interests so we've had some lovely days out and we pay for ourselves. We talk about a future together and I look forward to it.

I have spoken to the eldest and made clear they can always say no if they don't want to see him. It is OK to tell me that.

My mother was always really quick to get into new relationships after being divorced.

Her second husband molested me from age 8-12 and her third husband (who she knew for 2 months before moving us in with him), is an abusive bully.

These are the reasons I left home as a teenager and haven’t had a relationship with her for the past 18 years.

She never put us first over her need to be with a man.

So just date him and think carefully about why you're moving so fast that you say "I can't stop thinking about marrying this man" after a few months...

Date. Chill. Stop moving so fast and being obsessed. It's unhealthy.

What's the hurry OP. If everything is working the way you say it is then no need to change it so quickly.
It's doomed and love bombing imho just keep things where they are for now and possibly I'm wrong but I don't think I am.

It's wise to be cautious, especially with children involved. But the cynicism of all the 'love bombing' responses is really sad. You have given a pretty full account of his circumstances and the whole thing sounds promising / exciting, not an obvious cause for alarm. Op, I hope it works out for you both, trust your judgement, take your time and enjoy it.

Please start listening to the game by Yaz

What is the rush for marriage here?
Some men will rush a marriage solely for financial benefit / status and will change very quickly once the ring is on your finger - dont be that woman. You have not known him long enough to know this could be the case.

I was engaged in my mid 20s by a guy who love bombed me - when the engagement ring got on my finger he changed. He told me if I ever had the audiacity to divorce him he would make sure he got half of my pension. Obviously this was never mentioned during the dating phase or during his proposal. Thankfully my gut instincts and sense meant I cut him off. Guess what? He was married by the end of that year to another victim. (Broke up in April - he was married by December) so that was obviously his agenda.

Please be careful. If it seems too good to be true - 9 times out of 10 it is.

And please dont fall for 'when you know you know' - I have had countless friends who have 'known' - one is now married to a drunk who blames his mental health issues for driving their children in his car pissed, another has just got divorced and another just found her man on Tinder.

We're still going strong. We've discussed a future and making a home together but we will take some time as the children need to get to know him properly. We've agreed not to rush anything to get it right. Their Dad is very much part of their life and he's said he doesn't want to replace him nor be known as a step-dad as that implies he's taken on the role. Their Dad should be part of their life and we'll see how we go. A few joke comments about getting a ring on his finger or 'that's going in the wedding speech' but no serious talk of getting married. I still believe he's my soul mate.

I agree. Talk about it and enjoy yourselves without rushing into anything.

I suggest you wait 2 years as that tends to be the time when honeymoon period wears off.

At that stage determine if you have had conflict and managed to resolve issues. The fact you are just out of a long marriage should make you more cautious. It's only with time that you can reflect on how far you have moved forward in your healing journey.

This is the most sensible answer.

My friend met her now husband on a night out, they were almost inseparable from them onwards, they married about 3 years after they met, have been married for 15 years and have 2 dc. Sometimes it just happens that way.

Just be sensible about it, nothing wrong with being in love and enjoying the person you're with. Do it with your eyes open, watch for red flags and make sure you protect your own financial health

14 months into the relationship...Still going strong and making plans to buy a house together and eventually marriage (divorce now done too). We have agreed not to rush as we both came out of long term relationships before meeting each other but we have agreed we'd like to marry in the next few years once we've lived together for a while.

I'm delighted to hear this, OP, congratulations!

I sympathise with those who have had bad experiences and been deceived, but they shouldn't become convinced everyone is like that. Sometimes people really are what they seem. I'm glad yours is.