Fast moving relationship

[NewLove101]

At the beginning of the year I went on a dating website for the first time in my life. I've recently separated from my husband of 15 years (mutual separation as relationship run it's course and both agreed to move on).

I very quickly got chatting with a guy online and we went on a first date within 2 weeks of first messaging each other. Things went well, second date planned instantly and we've now been dating for five months.

We message each other every day, spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with). We connected so quickly and easily I've wondered if he is 'the one'. If everything that has happened in my life was leading up to meeting this amazing guy who thinks the world of me. We have already said "I love you" and he's given me a key to his house.

I've met his parents and friends and I love every minute I spend with him. I am still married to my ex, with the divorce to sort. I've been honest about everything and he's been very understanding.

Anyway, he's been talking a lot about future holidays, milestone birthdays in a few years and even things to do with the children when they're older. I sometimes forget I've only known this guy from this year, rather than my whole life.

OK, to the point finally...is it too soon to think about marriage with this guy?

He's never been married. Recently he was best man at his friends wedding and he's told me he'd like to get married one day. He even said what honeymoon and cake he'd have! He's asked if I would ever remarry (yes I would, I don't regret getting married it was mostly good).

I joked about making a 'relationship agreement' recently like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and he said the only contract he'd sign would mean putting a ring on his finger. This last week an acquaintance of his I met for the first time asked if we we're getting married. I smiled and said 'no'. My boyfriend looked at me (as if to gauge my reaction) then confirmed 'no' but it was said calmly, not defiant or surprised. My 5 year old son also asked this week if we're getting married. I have not mentioned anything of this nature to my son. I think in his innocence he thinks grown ups just get married when together. When I told my boyfriend this, his response was "what did you say?". I replied "the truth, I said no we're girlfriend/boyfriend" and left it at that. Then today watching TV, I read a sign from the crowd aloud saying "Marry me xzy (celeb name)' and he spun round so fast, I wonder if he thought I was proposing! I can't stop thinking about marrying this man.

Is it crazy to think of marriage again so soon? Has anyone else done this?

There’s some harsh people on here! You are rushing ahead a bit but just enjoy it. Seems like you have a good balance with your kids and him. Take your time and get it right X

You've got all the time in the world, OP.

Sort out your divorce first, that thing is a hassle. How are your children handling that? How is co-parenting going?

Why not spend some time enjoying what you have with your new partner before rushing into the next stage?

I agree that you shouldn't neglect other parts of your life (friendships, hobbies). They will make your life richer even if everything works out fine with your new partner.

You need to slow down for sure, he might be “the one” but get to know him well and don’t even think about marriage yet, just enjoy the friendship.
Get your divorce sorted before making any permanent change, I know what it’s like because I found a new man before the divorce was complete, he sounds a good catch, enjoy.

He certainly makes me very happy. My children and colleagues have said I seem much happier.

I have looked up love bombing.

He has not bought me any gifts (except an occasional chocolate bar). The daily messages as to say good morning. If he messages throughout the days it's normally to talk about what he's doing at work (if it's gone well or not). It's not excessive compliments. He has not asked me to stop meeting friends or going to the gym (which I do twice a week). I've met his parents and friends as he invited me to prearranged events. He knows I am financially independent and I'm not someone to depend on others. I have always stood on my own two feet, even when married, which is why the split was straight forward. We sold the house and split the equity but otherwise I had my own bank accounts, savings, car etc.

Things have moved quickly I admit. We have similar interests and seem to connect so well. He is going on holiday with friends in August. He has not invited me (not that I would go as it's summer hols and I have the children to look after). I feel we are both living our independent lives but yes we message daily and see each other every weekend - but it's not the whole weekend together and the children are not seeing him weekly.

I am not divorced yet as we focused on selling the house and sorting out new living arrangements to settle the children first.

Hmm, I would defo slow things down a bit - there’s no actual rush is there. He sounds like my bf who fell head over heels for me very quickly and pushed for marriage almost right away. Thanks to covid I wasn’t actually divorced yet (despite having been separated a couple of years) so used that as a handy excuse to slow things down and just enjoy the moment. We are still together and very happy (I am now divorced), but I am not rushing into marriage again any time soon although we probably will do it at some point.

but it's not the whole weekend together and the children are not seeing him weekly.

I think people were going by your first post which said you "spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with)." So it did sound like it was the whole weekend and with the kids until you clarified / amended.

Anyway, he's been talking a lot about future holidays, milestone birthdays in a few years and even things to do with the children when they're older.

You sound quite passive in this OP, he's talking about all these things but you don't mention your reaction. Are you doing the same? Does it make you uncomfortable and keen to say 'woah, one thing at a time? If so, so you say that to him or do you just think it?

I can't stop thinking about marrying this man.

Please understand people aren't trying to be dicks or rain on your parade, it's just that relationships this intense this quickly much more often than not don't work out and often the initial intensity leads to quick move ins which then affects the children of course when it ends as they have upheaval twice - once when they move in and again when it ends.

If you're honest, if he asked you around Christmas time to live together with the kids (obviously) would you say yes? It sounds like you would.

There is no definitive list to lovebombing. Just because he hasn't bought you lots of gifts doesn't mean he isn't lovebombing you, that's just one example of how it might manifest.

The things he's doing that sound like lovebombing is talking about the future and expressing a rather premature desire to get married. Things feeling really intense and like you've met your soulmate after a matter of months is one of the most prominent signs of lovebombing.

Please know that I'm not trying to rain on your parade or numb your buzz of having met a wonderful guy who's making you happy. I just want you to be careful and cautious. If you really have a strong connection with this guy, there's absolutely no need to rush it. Just enjoy the dating phase and the highs and thrills that come with it before thinking about a second marriage. Enjoy having your own space before cohabiting with another man.

Things have moved quickly I admit

Then slow them down. If the relationship is right, you can take your time. If the relationship isn't right, it will show by taking your time. It's quite a good way to make sure the relationship is right.

It is equally possible that this is a good relationship with a future, or that it will all go tits up in a few months when his true colours show. The only thing that will give you the answer is time. For now I'd enjoy it, and avoid rushing into anything. If you still feel the same in another year or two, that's the time to progress things.

What assets do you have that he can access through marriage?
How interested is he in your children? Put some distance between them, it's very early in the relationship for him to be so involved.
Don't agree to anything binding. At all. For years.

Very sound advice @Watchkeys

Honestly, I had to check a few of the facts to check this wasn't my exes new girlfriend posting - very similar timeline/introducing the kids early/intense love affair.

Thankfully you have a good relationship with your ex husband and doesn't sound like you've gone totally nuts like my ex and his girlfriend. We split up late last year, and my son is now being told he has a "stepmum". She introduced her kids after 3 weeks, my ex introduced our son after 7 weeks 🙃They met early Feb and he's already moved in with her, and every time my son sees his Dad it's at the girlfriend's house with her kids. The kids also refer to my ex as "dad" 😂My son initially seemed OK with it, but is now having all sorts of challenges processing all the changes he's experienced in less than a year.

My ex was an abusive POS to me, which he's still doing via the only method he has left - email. He also did exactly the same thing with me and lovebombed the shit out of me (you're the one, I want to marry you, I love you - after date 2) but thankfully I didn't have any children to factor into the equation and was totally naïve.

Time will tell whether this guy is genuine or not, but for you and your children's sake, slow this down. Within the space of a year they've had to deal with the breakdown of their parent's marriage and meeting a new boyfriend. You seem swept away with it all, which is understandable, but please don't encourage this in front of your children like my ex has done. You obviously can't get married at the moment, so whilst it's nice to know that you both are in agreement about getting married eventually, take it right out of the equation.

Focus on enjoying the time you have together both with and without the children, ensure you have one on one time with your kids - you've got plenty of time to make more commitment to each other when everyone is used to the new set up.

He doesn't have any children to clarify. We are not living together.

I met my husband and after just a few months he was talking about marriage. Kept proposing, I’d say one day. I can now see ( bloody hindsight!!) that he pushed in different ways and why ( how sad he was because ex-wife had an affair and they split, how much happier he’d be if we were married) I agreed to an engagement—- and he booked a wedding. I stupidly went through with it and a month later he gave away his company, deciding he could live off me, I think that had been his plan all along..…. So please proceed with caution.

To be honest, why?! What's the rush?! I love my DP to bits and yes I want to marry him, but actually I know we are together for the long haul and we have time. Take it steady and set it in cement.

Be careful not to appear to “cool off” explain to him why you are being careful

I also have a house that I own in my sole name following divorce and the sale of the family home. I see my house as my childrens security for the future and wouldn’t want to compromise that by having to hand half of it over in a second divorce.

this might sound cynical/negative/paranoid but I’m just trying to be realistic.

if I marry my partner of 8 years who lives with us, technically I gain nothing - life carries on as normal.
however if we marry then split I have a lot to lose, I would likely have to sell my home to give him a share as he could claim rights to it.

i honestly don’t understand why people in my position of a financially secure home owner bother to get married.

You've been with him for 5 months and he's met your dc?

Wow. Slow down and please put your dc first.
They don't need this man in their lives, however much you maybe kidding yourself they do.

I am financially secure. Family home sold and I've bought a property on my own. I have a good career and salary and have my own assets with no debt.

obviously don’t get remarried then. Doesn’t sound like your kids are being prioritised here, how does it benefit them to be brought in to your dating life?

I think it’s lovely you’ve met someone you feel good about. But in your shoes, i’d want to sort out the ‘old’ relationship first. I’d also worry about everything happening too quickly, and wouldn’t have wanted my children to have met the new chap in such double quick time. I’d be concerned that I was putting them through too much, too soon.

it May well be that you end up as long-term partners, but why not enjoy the hearts and flowers stage and give you and you children time to breath?

Normally I'm against moving so fast but I have a friend that did this. She met her husband at an event, and during that time she felt there was something about him. His interactions with others,etc that she knew he was someone she wanted to get to know. She gave him her number, they talked for hours a couple of days later, then talked every day for a month. Then they met up a few times and within 6 months were married. That was 30 years ago and they are still happily married with dc.

I also have a coworker that met and married within a year. She's in her 40s and had been married once before and had another LTR. SHe said she just knew he was the one. Theyve been together for a long time as well.

Its never worked out for me tho. 😂

Sounds like you are a sitting duck. Move out of the firing line.

Me? 😄 I know, it’s like talking to a brick wall on threads similar to these, trying to get women to prioritise their offspring over some new cock.

@JudyGemstone this is an excellent point. I have assets I don't want to lose, primarily the roof over my children's head (50% of the time).

Having moved recently, we've talked about buying/selling and the market in general. I am reassured that he has his own home/mortgage and I've seen the mortgage statement so I know he has good equity plus he has some other assets so he's no need to latch on to me. We're very evenly matched for income and assets.

Someone asked how I felt when he talked about future plans. I like it. It's good to know we're on the same page. I have said to him that I noticed he often talks about the future. When he said he never expected to meet someone he could have a long term relationship with, I asked "what is long term?". His response was "I don't know, let's see". From what he's said, previous girlfriends appear to have stayed rent free in his home. I have asked nothing from him and I'm sure he appreciates this.

Has he had many periods of being single? Only you mention he's has plural previous girlfriends live rent free at his and I wonder if he's someone who always has to be in a relationship?

Please do be careful with your heart and expectations OP.

Try to remember it's only been 20 weeks you've been dating him