Fast moving relationship

[NewLove101]

At the beginning of the year I went on a dating website for the first time in my life. I've recently separated from my husband of 15 years (mutual separation as relationship run it's course and both agreed to move on).

I very quickly got chatting with a guy online and we went on a first date within 2 weeks of first messaging each other. Things went well, second date planned instantly and we've now been dating for five months.

We message each other every day, spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with). We connected so quickly and easily I've wondered if he is 'the one'. If everything that has happened in my life was leading up to meeting this amazing guy who thinks the world of me. We have already said "I love you" and he's given me a key to his house.

I've met his parents and friends and I love every minute I spend with him. I am still married to my ex, with the divorce to sort. I've been honest about everything and he's been very understanding.

Anyway, he's been talking a lot about future holidays, milestone birthdays in a few years and even things to do with the children when they're older. I sometimes forget I've only known this guy from this year, rather than my whole life.

OK, to the point finally...is it too soon to think about marriage with this guy?

He's never been married. Recently he was best man at his friends wedding and he's told me he'd like to get married one day. He even said what honeymoon and cake he'd have! He's asked if I would ever remarry (yes I would, I don't regret getting married it was mostly good).

I joked about making a 'relationship agreement' recently like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and he said the only contract he'd sign would mean putting a ring on his finger. This last week an acquaintance of his I met for the first time asked if we we're getting married. I smiled and said 'no'. My boyfriend looked at me (as if to gauge my reaction) then confirmed 'no' but it was said calmly, not defiant or surprised. My 5 year old son also asked this week if we're getting married. I have not mentioned anything of this nature to my son. I think in his innocence he thinks grown ups just get married when together. When I told my boyfriend this, his response was "what did you say?". I replied "the truth, I said no we're girlfriend/boyfriend" and left it at that. Then today watching TV, I read a sign from the crowd aloud saying "Marry me xzy (celeb name)' and he spun round so fast, I wonder if he thought I was proposing! I can't stop thinking about marrying this man.

Is it crazy to think of marriage again so soon? Has anyone else done this?

My children are 5 years and 12 years. I waited 3 months before youngest met him and he was introduced as a friend. I asked the children's father first and he agreed they could meet (despite being separated he encouraged me to be happy and go on dates).

I asked the 12 year old, who took a few weeks to consider then said they wanted to meet him so they knew who I was spending time with. I was interested to see how he interacts with the children too.

I am financially secure. Family home sold and I've bought a property on my own. I have a good career and salary and have my own assets with no debt. The new boyfriend also has his own home, car and earns a similar salary. We split the cost of days out equally and pay our own way.

My question was about when to mention discussing a long term relationship with marriage. I am aware I couldn’t actually get married yet.

I asked the 12 year old, who took a few weeks to consider then said they wanted to meet him so they knew who I was spending time with. I was interested to see how he interacts with the children too.

And now, just 6-8 weeks later, you "spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with)".

You really don't see how this is way too much, way too soon for your kids?!

An engagement is a promise to marry. You cannot marry at the moment. It's an empty promise.

Poor children.

So, everybody who thinks they've found 'the one' is right, then, d'you think?

Be sure not to neglect other areas of your life, other relationships etc while you're caught up in this whirlwind. It sounds very heavy for something so new.

Enjoy.. but try to keep it in perspective.

OP, the fact that you're asking a bunch of strangers on a forum shows that you're not ready to make this decision alone. Whether it's worked for other people or not isn't the issue. The issue is why you need reassurance or back up with regard to a major life decision. Whether it's too soon for you is a decision only you can make.

Ask yourself (or try to tell us, if a discussion would help) why you feel that any of us would know better, when the decision you're trying to make is yours alone.

‘Who ever loved, who loved not at first sight?’

and sometimes, it works out.

it sounds to me as if you both would like some sort of commitment, although with your circumstances, it could not be ‘legal’. I don’t see what’s so wrong about that. My now husband and I exchanged ‘commitment’ rings after about six months, when we started living together ( although we didn’t actually get rid of one of our flats for a bit after that). We didn’t get married for a good few years, but we were committed . The rings were a visible sign .

Your poor children. Forced to spend every weekend with their mothers new boyfriend. Honestly op, you sound like a teenager with her first boyfriend. You need to grow up sharpish and put your children first.

Why don’t you concentrate on the divorce and see where you are after that?

Just be honest when the subject comes up. Your priority though needs to be divorcing the ex. Why hang it out, it's done.

Some people here, in fact most will tell you that you are being love bombed, next it will be cocklogding, followed by abuse, ghosting, and cheating. Many seem to be a bit down on men, on life and love. I feel for those who have been treated badly and hurt. But it pisses me off that people can not stop themselves from projecting their own anxieties.

Be happy. Live in the moment, be honest, be kind, treat others as you expect, be hopeful, and never allow the toxic cynicism to eat your spirit.

For the record I've never had a slow moving relationship, never been single for more than a few weeks, have no horror stories to tell, and no self esteem issues. Yeah, my husband has his issues, as do I. It really can be a complete waste of your life to be so cautious to the point that you end up dating for years, lose any momentum, fall into ambivalence, and then all that without really ever having allowed yourself the joy of just falling in love.

You sound fine OP......as you will, do what feels right and makes you happy.

Oh dear op. Time to grow up and stop with the fantasies. Once you’re divorced and have been with him a decent time and out of the hiney moon period, then think about it. Right now you need to calm down.

Friday nights I have the children on my own (no boyfriend). Saturday nights they are with their Dad. On Sundays we take it in turns. They see the new boyfriend one Sunday afternoon every two weeks.

I'm asking on here to find out other people's experience to see what I have not considered and get perspective.

It's fine to be thinking about marriage, in your head. It's fine to discuss with each other that it's something you're both open to in the future. I wouldn't be taking those thoughts any further for a good while though.

Ignore the people saying you've introduced your kids too soon, there's nothing wrong with kids knowing that you're seeing someone. Just as long as you make it clear to them that he's mummy's boyfriend, and not their step dad (yet).

So you’ve been seeing someone for five months, they now spend every weekend with you and your children, and you’ve put the responsibility of deciding whether your children should meet him or not on a child? your judgment is worryingly poor here. Of course your child is going to tell you what they think you want to hear. You’re the adult, you should be making decisions in the best interest of your children, not putting the responsibility for their and your emotional well-being on their shoulders. Children are not adults, Children cannot make responsible decisions about their own emotional well-being.

your behaviour is really worrying OP, from a safeguarding point of view it’s really questionable.

you need to take a huge step back. You might be doing all this with the best of intentions but your judgment is miles off, miles off.

I'm asking on here to find out other people's experience to see what I have not considered and get perspective

What you need to consider is why you need others to give you perspective. If you're asking 'Is this right?' it's because you're not sure it's right. There's your answer. It doesn't matter what anyone says. Your doubt is already evident. Respect it.

Bit different to your OP "we spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with)."

But anyway, you asked what you haven't considered.

You haven't considered that this is way too much, way too soon for your kids and that you should slow things down not be thinking of marriage before you're even divorced.

You've been dating 20 weeks.

Far too soon

Your poor kids.

I was going to say this .

Op, please, please slow this down. 2nd marriages have a much higher rate of failure than first marriages. That's the reality. At present you are in the honeymoon phase and only time, typically 2 years, will show if this man and you are compatible.

It's good that you have sorted financials with your Ex H - what has stopped you getting a divorce?

Problem is statistically most these relationships don't end well. If you break up, you will put your children through another emotional chaos.

Look obviously you have gone through a tough time so I definitely don’t want to be kicking you for picking up the pieces and moving on because that is a good thing. However you do know that despite appearances on the outside kids can be hugely affected by parents splitting up on the inside, it can cause them huge insecurity and turmoil. This pace is way too quick for them, you all need to process your family breakdown and they do not need to be forced into more significant change while they navigate that. You will affect your children by introducing them to this do soon. However I don’t see any reason that you shouldn’t pursue relationships away from your children.

@MiniTheMinx, Its absolutely fine to throw yourself into new relationships but not when you are a parent.

The responsibility of a parent is to put the children first and let them have a good childhood. If they have recently gone through mum & dad separating their needs are different to that of the parent.

Blended families are incredibly tough and 2nd marriages fail more than first marriages so this isn't MN being cynical it's the reality. She may be in the statistics that succeed but rushing (or even thinking) about another marriage, whilst still married, isn't reflecting well on her thinking processes.

Love bombed, check it out.

You will be on here in 3 months asking why he has disappeared

This really does sound like lovebombing. It's concerning to me how eager he sounds to tie the knot. Why the rush?

Please take things slow, for the sake of yourself and your children. Personally I'd be waiting a couple of years to even consider moving in together, and then I'd want to be living together another couple of years before marriage would be on the table.