Fast moving relationship

[NewLove101]

At the beginning of the year I went on a dating website for the first time in my life. I've recently separated from my husband of 15 years (mutual separation as relationship run it's course and both agreed to move on).

I very quickly got chatting with a guy online and we went on a first date within 2 weeks of first messaging each other. Things went well, second date planned instantly and we've now been dating for five months.

We message each other every day, spend every weekend together (with my children too who he gets on great with). We connected so quickly and easily I've wondered if he is 'the one'. If everything that has happened in my life was leading up to meeting this amazing guy who thinks the world of me. We have already said "I love you" and he's given me a key to his house.

I've met his parents and friends and I love every minute I spend with him. I am still married to my ex, with the divorce to sort. I've been honest about everything and he's been very understanding.

Anyway, he's been talking a lot about future holidays, milestone birthdays in a few years and even things to do with the children when they're older. I sometimes forget I've only known this guy from this year, rather than my whole life.

OK, to the point finally...is it too soon to think about marriage with this guy?

He's never been married. Recently he was best man at his friends wedding and he's told me he'd like to get married one day. He even said what honeymoon and cake he'd have! He's asked if I would ever remarry (yes I would, I don't regret getting married it was mostly good).

I joked about making a 'relationship agreement' recently like Sheldon in Big Bang Theory and he said the only contract he'd sign would mean putting a ring on his finger. This last week an acquaintance of his I met for the first time asked if we we're getting married. I smiled and said 'no'. My boyfriend looked at me (as if to gauge my reaction) then confirmed 'no' but it was said calmly, not defiant or surprised. My 5 year old son also asked this week if we're getting married. I have not mentioned anything of this nature to my son. I think in his innocence he thinks grown ups just get married when together. When I told my boyfriend this, his response was "what did you say?". I replied "the truth, I said no we're girlfriend/boyfriend" and left it at that. Then today watching TV, I read a sign from the crowd aloud saying "Marry me xzy (celeb name)' and he spun round so fast, I wonder if he thought I was proposing! I can't stop thinking about marrying this man.

Is it crazy to think of marriage again so soon? Has anyone else done this?

He had a long term girlfriend for 5 years, but they broke up half way through and then got back together, but it finished for good last year. She also had children and worked part time on a low wage so he mostly supported her.

He's mentioned a few other relationships and his longest single period was 3 years. I can't verify this, it's just what he's said.

Ah just enjoy yourself! God the mumsnetters on here would have you LTB in an instant - you seem to have found a good 'un and they're telling you you're ridiculous introducing him to the kids.
You're on a learning curve!
Everyone does it differently- you are doing it your way. If you didn't think he was fabulous you wouldn't be seeing him and texting him so often and vice versa.
I've been married once. And had 3 relationships - 2 of which were for about 18 months. My present relationship is like I've found my best bud. He wants to get married and I don't. We don't make an issue of it. We adore each other.
I think society kind of expects you to get married as icing on the cake.. just like your 5 year old asked.
You just do what makes you happy xx

I think setting out terms of reference can be useful. If you wouldn't rule out getting married again, then it's fine to say so. If you don't see yourself married again, and the other person eventually wants to get married, it gives you the chance to decide whether you want to compromise or see how things go. My boyfriend and I met in February and on our first date we talked about what we were looking for - neither of us saw remarriage or cohabitation in our futures.

However life generally doesn't follow the rules. We never meant to fall in love and we talk a lot about what the future holds, talking about things we will do next year, we see each other as a solid committed relationship that isn't necessarily conventional.

It seems like you need to think about what you really want, and whether you want to be with him long term in a marriage. He clearly wants that and is putting the ball in your court. It doesn't mean you have to rush to get engaged if you talk about being open to marriage.

@toogoodforthisworld
I agree
Don't rush into anything but just keep doing what you're doing.
We'd been together almost 4 years when we got married both having been married before.
We did go quite fast in the early days.
Like you we fitted together so well.
Been almost 30 years.
Very happy

Sometimes you get the answers to the questions you should have asked...

Wow. I thought I was cautious after ending a damaging relationship. I made a very slow no-rush start with the next man I dared to date. But we were engaged after six months and married the next year. Still happy together more than 20 years later.

To go against the grain here-I don't think there is anything much wrong with what you have described.
You know your own kids the best and if you are buster bruv are fine with it then trust your own judgement. I didn't tell mine, albeit a bit older kids I was dating DP at first and they were actually more annoyed with me for lying about it at first than they would have been if I'd just told them and they'd met him.

They met him at the 6 months stage. We are now two years in and just moved in all together-very happily so far.
We have talked a bout getting married and he just feels like my person.
We've both been married before. I'd know my first husband since I was 12-and it didnt stop it going Tits up. I know misled better now and I see Dp's flaws and am realistic about them as well as my own-that's just the benefit of life experience I guess. I'm happier with him than I've ever been before and my kids really like him and that's good enough for me

are fine with it then trust your own judgement

If OP felt able to trust her own judgment, she wouldn't be posting. That's kind of the issue.

Not really-sometimes people are worried about being judged rather than their own judgment and just want the reassurance-which they are unlikely to get here on this sort of thing to be fair.

Being worried about being judged for your decisions is the same as not trusting your own judgment. And that's kind of the problem for OP.

I had a whirlwind romance too, the first 6-7 months were amazing. Then I think when he felt sure I wouldn't run away things suddenly cooled down and he became a lot less reliable (re. plans, dates, etc.) and I don't think it's going to last much longer.

Chill, and wait.

I think waiting is a good idea. Enjoy the time you spend but say you don’t want to make forms plans for a good couple of years. You’re not even living together yet and you must know that changes the dynamic a lot. It’s easy to enjoy time spent with someone else’s kids once a week for a few hours - much different when you live with them and become step-parent.

I also think that the first few months of any great relationship are magical but the longevity depends on more than just those first few months.

plenty of ppl on here are being pretty judgemental @NewLove101 MN does not approve of new relationships with DC involved.

It sounds like you know yourself & your DC & can make sensible decisions.

My situation wasn’t very different from yours. 3 years on I’m very happily engaged to a wonderful man. I knew pretty quickly he was right for me & my DC adore him as he does them.
It can & does work out. I opted to wait until the divorce was done & dusted before considering getting engaged, but I knew early on I wanted to be with him long term.
Secure your finances for yourself & your DC & listen to the opinions of ppl you trust most, in relation to whether he’s a keeper.
Good luck!

I wouldn’t get married unless I was having kids with him and if I already had kids I would be with him a lot longer before considering marriage.

Omg love bombing

I find that a ridiculous attitude to take. 5 months is plenty of time to have introduced the kids to him. The sooner the better when you get into an exclusive, established relationship. Sure, you should do the introduction gently - not just move him in and tell the kids "here's your new stepdad". But it's sensible to let your kids know that you're dating and then gradually introduce a new partner.

We tell our kids not to keep secrets from us or to lie, so you need to lead by example as well. Kids pick up more from your actions and behaviour than they do from your words. So the idea that you should keep your relationship secret for months and months (I've even heard people on MN say for years) is completely backwards. Because then what do you do? At some point you're going to want to tell the kids/introduce them (unless you plan to lead a double life forever). What happens then - you wait to introduce your long time partner when it starts getting really serious and to the kids it looks like things have moved very quickly because they are unaware of the history. Or you come clean and tell them you've been with someone for ages, but you kept it a secret from them.

All this teaches the kids is that it's appropriate to have secret relationships and keep things from each other. Is that really what you want your children to do to you when they start seeing someone themselves?

We got married within 5 months, and he had met my child almost immediately. My husband and eldest child are very close, absolutely no regrets.

We are blissfully happy 15 years later with more children. It's probably quite rare to know so early on, considering all of the judgement you've received on here, but not impossible that you are right.

It is good that you have time with the divorce, use it wisely. Hope it all works out for you!

Thank you everyone.

For the first three months my children were asking where I was going/what I was doing and I kept saying 'seeing friends'. It was the 5 year old who wanted a name so I eventually told him. My eldest said she felt left out as she didn't know where I was. After 3 months, my new bf and I agreed ti's looking like a long term relationship and I introduced them (with their Dads agreement). It was right for us. I am surprised how many people feel children should be kept away for so long.

My new bf and I have already agreed we do not want children together. I have no plans to have any more ever.

@

I am so glad I wasn’t on MN 16 years ago when I met my now husband at a wedding and was engaged within 4 months and married within the year. He (shock horror!) met my children the same day we got together (around 2 months after talking daily- it was a long distance thing) and babysat them on his own within two days (they were 6 and 9!). He could have been an axe murderer or a paedo or anything! 😂
Oh and I got divorced from my ex husband
the same year I got married- and all this was before turning 30…

No one would have predicted a happily ever after here on MN, there would have been pearl clutching and shocked emojis galore I’m sure… but we are happily married for nearly 15 years now and stronger than ever plus 2 of our own kids), and we know we were right to commit so fast and be together.

No one here is living your life, trust your gut and be happy.

I met my 2nd husband in late October and moved in with him in March together with my two children. I was going through a messy divorce at the time. He also had 3 children from previous relationships. Forty years on here we are, still together, still happy (mostly)...

I'm genuinely happy that it worked out for you but moving your children in with a man you'd only known for 20 weeks was a big risk and IMO not a responsible decision.

In your case it worked out but that doesn't mean that it was necessary or fair on the kids at the time, especially when they'd seen their parents break up and a messy break up at that, just weeks before moving in with a new man.

Please understand I am genuinely happy it worked out and that your kids are happy too.

But the risk to their emotional wellbeing and stability was IMO unnecessary when it comes to moving in.

People aren't just killjoys - more often than not this doesn't work out and just means more turmoil for children, often at an already turbulent and upsetting time after their parents have split.

What a stupid thing to do.

I actually care for my kids’ well-being and would never do something so stupid. Moving in a man I barely know ffs.

and I also know many friends who had to put up with step parents in their own home, in what should have been their safe haven.

Oh you must love your kids much more than the OP does then 🙄. The weirdest thing about MN is how people assume their own experience is the only possible experience.

Read a book called 'In Control' by Jane Moncton Smith. It's an excellent book about coercive, dangerous relationships, and the number 1 predictor of problems down the road is a whirlwind romance.

Be very, very cautious OP, particularly as you have children.