Boss annoyed/upset I don't want to spend my days off with him

[gherkinsaplenty]

NC as I don't want this linking to my other posts.
I started working for an elderly widower a few months ago. It's been great because it fits around the kids and is within walking distance.
From the start he's asked about days out with me and the kids. I've never agreed to anything and have gently said no thank you. He wants to pay for everything and there's just so much that makes me feel uncomfortable.
He tells me far too much information about his marriage to his late wife including about their sex life.
He tells me inappropriate jokes that ex work mates have told him along with lots of inappropriate stories about them and their infidelities.
He drinks heavily and drives the next morning as well as back from the pub.
He makes me feel like I need to justify doing things that's just me and the kids.
He's always offering me lifts and I won't accept because he's bloody dangerous when I have been in the car with him. He's hit 3 vehicles lately and not even noticed, pulls out without indicating, pulls out in front of moving traffic. I'm stressed thinking he's going to need me to go somewhere with him.
I'm working at his home essentially doing a house clearance before he moves into a retirement apartment next year. I really enjoy the work but I'm getting/got the serious ick about him and feel uncomfortable.
Despite saying I could work around the kids and not during the holidays he expects me to take them with me to his and wants me to work every day of the summer holidays. I've told him no and he's almost sulking. The dc have got an inset day tomorrow and we are off out for the day. He's upset because he thought he could take us out somewhere and was looking forward to it even though I never said yes to his invitation. He keeps grumbling about it and making out I've let him down. He has his own grown up dc and a few grandchildren and I know he's lonely but I don't want to be spending my days off with my boss. I'm a carer for a family member too and between my dc and caring I don't have much time to do anything. He phones me every day at least twice including on my days off and there are numerous texts too. I've now switched off my voicemail service and adjusted my phone to only allow certain people to contact me outside of work hours. I only do 12 hours a week or so but with the frequent phone calls and voicemails and texts it's more like 18 hours. I'm a single parent and the money has been great but I feel like jacking it in now. I feel so uncomfortable with it all. Despite being totally inappropriate he is very kind and generous and funny and I have enjoyed the job but this latest sulk over a day out and me saying no to going away with him in the summer has tipped me over into dreading work now. He's said to stop messaging him and let the dust settle. I'm here thinking there's no dust to settle, I just told him thank you but no. I'm autistic and get things wrong so often with navigating situations. I hate confrontation too and I'm annoyed he's doing this.
How do I keep things professional?

If he comes round to yours don’t open the door.
You’re not obligated to open the door to anyone.
Even if you have to pretend you’re out.
If you can avoid a conversation with him you’ll be less likely to feel you need to explain yourself and he’ll get the message
All the best. We are all thinking of you.

I'm treating myself to a relaxing day. The door is locked and the door curtain drawn.

you should be proud of yourself, you have dealt with this really well. Enjoy your day.

The one thing I would say, is that sometimes as people age, the inhibition section of their brain (technical explanation) starts to degrade and they say things they may never have done in the past. It can be a precursor to dementia, but not always.

This man may have always been an inappropriate creep, but it could also be a loss of inhibitions as the brain ages.

I'm not raising it to try to excuse his behaviour - you shouldn't have to put up with it whatever the reason behind it, but looking at it through this frame may make you feel a bit better about his possible motivations and perhaps feel a little less creeped out by it all.

I'm glad you have got out of the situation. Be kind to yourself.

This ! so glad you did it, have a great day 😃

Well done on ending the shit situation.

Hope the rest of the weekend is happy for you.

Bloody well done! I am so relieved that you took action and sorted it out. Be proud of yourself. x

I've had a letter to say please reconsider.

Ignore it. Do not at all respond at all to this letter and shred it if you have not already done this.

Did he post it through your door OP and if so do you have a recording of it?

Not for us obviously! I mean to start a log of him contacting you in case he continues and it's helpful to have a record if you need some support from the police for example.

Take a picture of it first if you destroy it.

Just ignore it

He came to the door and the doorbell recorded it. He has given me a photocopy of it as the bottom line is half missing. Instructions on the envelope to please read carefully and that I have obviously blocked him but he presumed I could still read his texts. He has said he won't chase me or bother me. I can carry on and sell the stuff if I want and just do a few mornings. He's given me his full itinerary for the summer because obviously I need to know that. He had decided he needed to make his own life blah blah (but was still saying about days out with me!). Take my time and have a good think before I text him my answer. Pfft. Go away. I've just told my friend about the sex talk and she felt sick too.

Send a text: Contact me again and I will report you to the Police for harassment.

I'd also think about changing your mobile number.

This is ridiculous. There are plenty of companies which do house clearances and dispose of unwanted items and surely any personal effects have been removed by now.

Ignore it. Do not engage in any way.

He is already trampling on and over a boundary you set to not bother you by turning up at your door.

You should still ignore all this from him and you should not respond. Replying to him encourages further communication and opens a door that should remain firmly shut.

Make his own life? How long have you known this man!

I don’t think there is evidence that he’s necessarily dangerous, just boundary stomping and highly delusional.

The most important thing is that you become aware of your own agency and use it going forward. Pay attention to what you want and how you feel. Know that you always have the right to put boundaries in place and back away from people that don’t respect them.

Yeah, you don’t need to think of yourself as the only solution to someone else’s problem.

He doesn’t see himself as your boss. He thinks you’re his girlfriend! He’s making sexual comments and inappropriate jokes. He wants to meet your kids and spend time with them. He wants you to spend time with him outside of work. He’s offering to pay for things beyond just paying your salary. You need to nip this in the bud now, if I were you I’d quit and look for alternative employment.

Sadly many men (and a fair few women on these boards depressingly) view women as service humans - not really human ourselves, but there to be kind, accommodating, helpful, self sacrificing. These men would never make such assumptions about other men, they always look to women to make their lives easier and as you've experienced, can get very pushy if they don't get their own way.

Ignore, and if he bothers you again write a letter to say "I have made my wishes clear. Never contact me again, if you do I will consider it harassment and will contact the police for advice."

Dear Dirty Old Man,
Thank you for your letter, my decision will remain unchanged.
Regards, Gherkin.

How old are your DC. I would advise them if they are stopped by him not to engage at all.

In regards to his letter I would ignore it at the moment. If he contacts you again then you may need to drop a note advising him not to contact you again.

A few days away! That says it all. He’s hoping to get you alone at night. The fact that an 80-year-old stranger wants to go away for the night with you AND your children is so creepy.

I wonder how often this sort of thing happens? I’ve never worked in the care sector, so I have no idea. But being old doesn’t transform you into a nice person. Rapists, paedophiles, child abusers, perverts, creepy weirdos, etc, all grow old.

Thinking about it, nurses and carers are so vulnerable. Nowadays, even a man in his 80s can be quite fit and strong. And at that age you’ve got nothing to lose if you grope someone. After all, no one is going to put an 86-year-old in prison. A carer going into a man’s home is especially vulnerable. Carers probably put up with far more sexual abuse, both physical and verbal, than we imagine. Because the men are old, the carers are probably expected to laugh it off.