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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this? All gender's viewpoints especially welcome!

104 replies

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:48

This may not be the right topic to put this under but I’d like people’s take on what I should make of this, if anything at all. I have a friend who I know through a local campaign group of which we are both members. I’m a mid-30’s straight single professional female, he is an early 50’s straight single professional male. There has been some flirting between us over the 3-4 years we’ve known each other and a couple of other members of the group have suggested to me, individually that he may have more than friendly feelings for me, but he has never said anything of that sort to me or made any sort of move etc so I can't say that that's true. We mainly see each other at group events or with other members of the group, socially.

He had a birthday in February and I dropped a card in the post to him a few days before it, as I do for all of the people from that group that I am friendly with (about 8 of them). I then thought no more about this.
Fast forward to yesterday when I saw him at an event held by the group. We sat together all evening, with others on our table and had a lovely time. We were both leaving at the same time and walking to our respective cars, parked quite near each other as it turned out. As I was about to get in my car (and he his), he suddenly stopped, walked over to my car and thanked me for the card. I can’t deny I had forgotten all about it and replied with
“oh, you’re very welcome” and he then said “I haven’t actually opened it yet”. I was quite bemused by this, as it’s over four months since his birthday, so just replied “oh right” rather nonchalant. He then explained to me that he keeps fishing it out of a pile of unopened mail in his house and putting it to the top. I was even more bemused by this and so clarified by saying “well it’s only a very boring, ordinary card so just open it, it’s not worth preserving” and I said this in a very light-hearted way, not least because it’s true.
He then thanked me for the card again, and repeated that he keeps fishing it out of the pile of unopened post and bringing it to the top again, telling me in fact it’s on the top of the pile of now. My natural reaction to most things is to joke about them and so I said “You know you can’t stop getting older by not opening your cards?! Honestly it’s nothing exciting so just open it, it’s really not worth hanging on to!” He laughed, hugged and kissed me (on the cheek) goodbye and we parted company.

In the grand scheme of things I have much bigger (AKA real) worries but it’s made me curious all night and today. I know I should have just said “why’s that?” to him and intend to next time I see him but it just seemed so unusual and I felt I was missing something. In trying to analyse it, I’ve thought; why mention it at all? He could have just said “thank you” (as he usually does) and I would have just said my usual “you’re welcome” if he wanted to acknowledge it. He seemed to want me to know that he’s holding on to it/putting it to the top of his mail pile. I never asked if he’d received it or about his birthday at all so he didn't need to say anything or explain. I may be missing something or of course it may mean absolutely nothing at all but all viewpoints are very welcome!

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 02/07/2022 12:50

It just sounds like he’s really odd tbh.

IodineQueen · 02/07/2022 12:54

Yes he sounds really odd. Why did he keep repeating himself?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:56

SheWoreYellow · 02/07/2022 12:50

It just sounds like he’s really odd tbh.

This particular issue is but it's the only oddness I've experienced from him. It's why I'm so flumoxed by it🤔

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:57

IodineQueen · 02/07/2022 12:54

Yes he sounds really odd. Why did he keep repeating himself?

I don't know but I wondered if he wanted me to question him about it.

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/07/2022 13:00

How does he know it is from you of he hasn't opened it?

Maybe there is a reason why he is single in his 50s .... Smile

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 13:00

Yeah sounds weird. You should have asked why not.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/07/2022 13:00

It is weird and there are maybe explanations I can't think of but I'm getting major nice guys vibes here - I think he's trying to move you into the girlfriend zone without actually even involving you in a conversation about it or giving you the opportunity to say no.

You say there has been some flirting, that's not a problem of course but I think from here on out you should decide what precisely you want from the relationship and then make that super clear as he has definitely reached the 'being weird' stage and from there it just gets weirder unless/ until he turns abusive "after everything he's done for you"

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/07/2022 13:01

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:57

I don't know but I wondered if he wanted me to question him about it.

yeah I think there was a script in his head but you weren't saying "your" lines properly.

FurElsie · 02/07/2022 13:02

Yes maybe wanted you to ask, or nervous, wanted to keep the conversation going? How is he generally in the group, outgoing or quiet?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:03

Mischance · 02/07/2022 13:00

How does he know it is from you of he hasn't opened it?

Maybe there is a reason why he is single in his 50s .... Smile

I have very distinctive handwriting so everyone knows things are from me on sight.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:04

There is a reason he’s single in his 50s. And he has an issue with avoidance - he’s got a whole pile of unopened post going back more than 5 months.

I’d keep him firmly in the acquaintance hobby friend zone if I were you!

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:04

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 13:00

Yeah sounds weird. You should have asked why not.

I intend to next time I see him 🙂

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:05

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 02/07/2022 13:00

It is weird and there are maybe explanations I can't think of but I'm getting major nice guys vibes here - I think he's trying to move you into the girlfriend zone without actually even involving you in a conversation about it or giving you the opportunity to say no.

You say there has been some flirting, that's not a problem of course but I think from here on out you should decide what precisely you want from the relationship and then make that super clear as he has definitely reached the 'being weird' stage and from there it just gets weirder unless/ until he turns abusive "after everything he's done for you"

He's certainly not abusive. I grew up in a house with domestic violence and am very savvy at spotting the bad ones (hence why I'm still single in my mid 30's).

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:07

If you want an explanation, though - he flirts with you but hadn’t explicitly made a move, you sent him a card in February he hasn’t opened, maybe he thought it was a Valentines and that freaked him out even though he’d quite like it, he was ineptly trying to find out if the card said anything to progress your relationship.

As I say, I’d avoid getting any further involved with his very clear avoidance issues if I were you!

Aprilx · 02/07/2022 13:07

I would think he is weird. I definitely wouldn’t bring the subject up again, it sounded pretty excruciating the first time.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:08

FurElsie · 02/07/2022 13:02

Yes maybe wanted you to ask, or nervous, wanted to keep the conversation going? How is he generally in the group, outgoing or quiet?

He's generally confident. He was Chairman of the group for 6 years. I'm favouring the idea he wanted me to question him over it.

OP posts:
LisaSimpson77 · 02/07/2022 13:08

My interpretation of this is that he likes you but is too shy/socially awkward to just tell you or ask you out. He probably had a whole conversation played out in his head where he said this, you asked why he didn't just open it and he, in some way would be able to tell you it's because it means a lot to him...and so, strongly hint at his feelings for you.

I could be way out of course because I don't know the guy but it feels like he was trying to open up a "feelings" type discussion which you deflected using humour.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:11

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:07

If you want an explanation, though - he flirts with you but hadn’t explicitly made a move, you sent him a card in February he hasn’t opened, maybe he thought it was a Valentines and that freaked him out even though he’d quite like it, he was ineptly trying to find out if the card said anything to progress your relationship.

As I say, I’d avoid getting any further involved with his very clear avoidance issues if I were you!

The card was marked to be opened only on his birthday date - 2nd February so I doubt he thought it was a Valentine's card. I'm a big card sender but I've never sent a Valentine's card in my life.

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 02/07/2022 13:12

He fancies you, he was hoping you would ask why he hadn’t opened it and then he could say the pre prepared line about it being special because it’s from you etc.

if you like him then engage him in conversation next time, if you don’t like him avoid discussing it as it’ll make for some awkward social situations in future.

sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:13

He remembered you'd sent him a card so wanted to thank you but the panicked because he hadn't yet opened it and you might have made a comment about the picture on the card and he wouldn't have a clue about it. Internally, he's feeling bad about not having opened it, so he overcompensates by telling you it's top of the pile.
Repeating himself also seems like a panic response to me.
Maybe he's disorganised and has lots of unopened post?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:13

LisaSimpson77 · 02/07/2022 13:08

My interpretation of this is that he likes you but is too shy/socially awkward to just tell you or ask you out. He probably had a whole conversation played out in his head where he said this, you asked why he didn't just open it and he, in some way would be able to tell you it's because it means a lot to him...and so, strongly hint at his feelings for you.

I could be way out of course because I don't know the guy but it feels like he was trying to open up a "feelings" type discussion which you deflected using humour.

If this is correct, I'd guess it's the age difference (16 years) that makes him reluctant.

OP posts:
rumred · 02/07/2022 13:15

Well my interpretation is that he's majorly disorganised and hasn't opened his post full stop. Why hasn't he opened the other stuff? That'd really bother me. If he does fancy you he's rubbish at communication. That would also bother me

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:17

sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:13

He remembered you'd sent him a card so wanted to thank you but the panicked because he hadn't yet opened it and you might have made a comment about the picture on the card and he wouldn't have a clue about it. Internally, he's feeling bad about not having opened it, so he overcompensates by telling you it's top of the pile.
Repeating himself also seems like a panic response to me.
Maybe he's disorganised and has lots of unopened post?

Could be. I'm not offended that he hasn't opened it. I'd struggle to question him about it as I can't even recall what it looked like now!

OP posts:
Iliveonahill · 02/07/2022 13:19

I’m sorry but he sounds odd. Is he a hoarder? Why does he have post not opened including a birthday card that he knows is from you? I would keep it at friendship level only. He is also too old and settled in his ways for you.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/07/2022 13:19

I hate it when people hint to try and make you ask instead of just saying what they want to say. I would ignore the subject now and if he mentioned it again I would just say ok with a shrug as it's really not worth the energy.

If a grown man can't say what he wants to say I would not want to get personally involved. Also, making you drag it out of him seems manipulative. I'd leave it and not bother sending a card next time as he clearly didn't even care enough to open it.

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