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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this? All gender's viewpoints especially welcome!

104 replies

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:48

This may not be the right topic to put this under but I’d like people’s take on what I should make of this, if anything at all. I have a friend who I know through a local campaign group of which we are both members. I’m a mid-30’s straight single professional female, he is an early 50’s straight single professional male. There has been some flirting between us over the 3-4 years we’ve known each other and a couple of other members of the group have suggested to me, individually that he may have more than friendly feelings for me, but he has never said anything of that sort to me or made any sort of move etc so I can't say that that's true. We mainly see each other at group events or with other members of the group, socially.

He had a birthday in February and I dropped a card in the post to him a few days before it, as I do for all of the people from that group that I am friendly with (about 8 of them). I then thought no more about this.
Fast forward to yesterday when I saw him at an event held by the group. We sat together all evening, with others on our table and had a lovely time. We were both leaving at the same time and walking to our respective cars, parked quite near each other as it turned out. As I was about to get in my car (and he his), he suddenly stopped, walked over to my car and thanked me for the card. I can’t deny I had forgotten all about it and replied with
“oh, you’re very welcome” and he then said “I haven’t actually opened it yet”. I was quite bemused by this, as it’s over four months since his birthday, so just replied “oh right” rather nonchalant. He then explained to me that he keeps fishing it out of a pile of unopened mail in his house and putting it to the top. I was even more bemused by this and so clarified by saying “well it’s only a very boring, ordinary card so just open it, it’s not worth preserving” and I said this in a very light-hearted way, not least because it’s true.
He then thanked me for the card again, and repeated that he keeps fishing it out of the pile of unopened post and bringing it to the top again, telling me in fact it’s on the top of the pile of now. My natural reaction to most things is to joke about them and so I said “You know you can’t stop getting older by not opening your cards?! Honestly it’s nothing exciting so just open it, it’s really not worth hanging on to!” He laughed, hugged and kissed me (on the cheek) goodbye and we parted company.

In the grand scheme of things I have much bigger (AKA real) worries but it’s made me curious all night and today. I know I should have just said “why’s that?” to him and intend to next time I see him but it just seemed so unusual and I felt I was missing something. In trying to analyse it, I’ve thought; why mention it at all? He could have just said “thank you” (as he usually does) and I would have just said my usual “you’re welcome” if he wanted to acknowledge it. He seemed to want me to know that he’s holding on to it/putting it to the top of his mail pile. I never asked if he’d received it or about his birthday at all so he didn't need to say anything or explain. I may be missing something or of course it may mean absolutely nothing at all but all viewpoints are very welcome!

OP posts:
Flyinggeese1234 · 02/07/2022 14:36

He doesn’t sound weird or creepy to me! I bet he’s kicking himself for the awkward conversation (whatever the reason, there could be many) - I wouldn’t try to figure it out.

Move on from the conversation OP, and maybe enjoy any future flirting if you fancy him (it sounds like you do!).

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 14:37

He likes the attention he gets from you but is not interested in a relationship with you?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:38

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:21

Perhaps a similar reason to why lujo is single?

Some of our friends are male, single and even older. I can see one of them behaving a bit like this, totally unorganised, an other keeps his house like a show house a speck of dirt wouldn't dare appear. They had issues with dating when they were younger, basically the girls just took mick. Totally put them off. They've been great uncles to our girls and to other friends kids. Would have been great dad's.

Some people just don't get on well with dating.

I could also give you some good examples @BigFatLiar

I could name 3 men and one woman who all fit that bill.

In my case I'm (happliy) single for simple reasons; I've not met anybody I actually want to spend my life with. I've been fortunate to find out when relationships were wrong for whatever reason very quickly/early on and so have never been through anything damaging in the long-term and I don't feel that I "need" a partner. I'm sad to read about your friends bad dating experiences. It's one of the reasons that I'm not a big fan of "dating". I find it better to meet people and get to know them, their situations etc as friends before deciding if it's something to take further. Of my 8 closest female friends, 2 more are like me, 5 are divorced or divorcing and one is trapped in an abusive relationship that she really needs out of. I'd far rather be in my group!

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:39

Accept all opinions but remember that a lot of posters on mumsnet aren't exactly great examples to follow having been through multiple relationships.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:49

Flyinggeese1234 · 02/07/2022 14:36

He doesn’t sound weird or creepy to me! I bet he’s kicking himself for the awkward conversation (whatever the reason, there could be many) - I wouldn’t try to figure it out.

Move on from the conversation OP, and maybe enjoy any future flirting if you fancy him (it sounds like you do!).

Thank you.

The flirting is fun but I can't say I ever thought of it as more than that. Save for last night, I still wouldn't of.

OP posts:
Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 14:51

Reading how you post and your responses to posts, I think you come across as kind, open, self-assured, and thinks through things carefully given your history. You both come across as cautious, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s your next move (if any)? Is asking him for a coffee on the cards?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:51

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 14:37

He likes the attention he gets from you but is not interested in a relationship with you?

Perhaps. The attention is fairly minimal though! I'm sure he wouldn't find it hard to get all the attention he wanted off another woman.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:52

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:39

Accept all opinions but remember that a lot of posters on mumsnet aren't exactly great examples to follow having been through multiple relationships.

I see your point 🙂

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 02/07/2022 14:54

He sounds a bit of a creep.

My first thought was he's trying to neg you - letting you know you're not important or special enough for him to bother opening your card. Alternatively he wants to make you think that he's so important and popular that he just doesn't have time to be opening birthday cards.

Who doesn't open a birthday card on their birthday? Especially if it's from someone you like? It's weird and he sounds like a creep.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:59

Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 14:51

Reading how you post and your responses to posts, I think you come across as kind, open, self-assured, and thinks through things carefully given your history. You both come across as cautious, and there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s your next move (if any)? Is asking him for a coffee on the cards?

Thank you, that's very kind of you to comment 🙂

I am due to be away from Monday for 2 weeks for work commitments. There is a meeting which we should both be at the day after I return. I do genuinely want to speak with him privately on a matter connected to our campaigns so rather than just pull him aside after the meeting for a quick chat, I'll likely ask if he will meet me one evening to discuss it. Hopefully from that I'll be able to judge things/his feelings a little better.

OP posts:
Me33 · 02/07/2022 14:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

beastlyslumber · 02/07/2022 15:01

I'll likely ask if he will meet me one evening to discuss it

You're going to ask him to meet you to discuss him not opening your birthday card? Maybe this was his plan all along...

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:02

beastlyslumber · 02/07/2022 14:54

He sounds a bit of a creep.

My first thought was he's trying to neg you - letting you know you're not important or special enough for him to bother opening your card. Alternatively he wants to make you think that he's so important and popular that he just doesn't have time to be opening birthday cards.

Who doesn't open a birthday card on their birthday? Especially if it's from someone you like? It's weird and he sounds like a creep.

Fair enough.

Knowing what I do of him, I don't think either applies.

I can't tell you what the reason(s) are though either.

OP posts:
JustHarriet · 02/07/2022 15:02

I think you're right that he is hinting that he has feelings for you and is taking an approach that allows you to either pursue that line of discussion or avoid it. It puts the ball in your court. Whether he is doing it to be thoughtful and polite or whether he is doing it this way in order to intrigue you and manipulate you into taking the first move, is unclear and probably unknowable to anyone but him!

I think you can enjoy feeling flattered but if you are not genuinely interested in pursuing anything I think it would be best not to pursue the conversation.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/07/2022 15:03

I would put money on it being a whole conversation played out in his head and then you didn't say the right thing. And you know what the right thing was - to ask why. I would say the 'feelings' conversation would have happened then. But you shied away from it, and that is the real question that needs asking. Perhaps you don't really want any more from this? Get clarity on that in yourself first.

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:04

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:51

Perhaps. The attention is fairly minimal though! I'm sure he wouldn't find it hard to get all the attention he wanted off another woman.

You don't know that he's not.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:05

beastlyslumber · 02/07/2022 15:01

I'll likely ask if he will meet me one evening to discuss it

You're going to ask him to meet you to discuss him not opening your birthday card? Maybe this was his plan all along...

No, to discuss the campaign matter. Usually I'd do this after the regular meetings, just on the quick and then follow-up with calls/emails but could do it all at once over a drink.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

I'm sorry to hear of your experiences 😞
I've known a few people like that myself.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 15:08

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:05

No, to discuss the campaign matter. Usually I'd do this after the regular meetings, just on the quick and then follow-up with calls/emails but could do it all at once over a drink.

Sounds good

Just don't tell him you're on mumsnet. If he knows about mumsnet or he checks it out he'll be off like a shot. (I would)

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 02/07/2022 15:09

How does he know it's from you if he hasn't opened it? Hmm

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:09

JustHarriet · 02/07/2022 15:02

I think you're right that he is hinting that he has feelings for you and is taking an approach that allows you to either pursue that line of discussion or avoid it. It puts the ball in your court. Whether he is doing it to be thoughtful and polite or whether he is doing it this way in order to intrigue you and manipulate you into taking the first move, is unclear and probably unknowable to anyone but him!

I think you can enjoy feeling flattered but if you are not genuinely interested in pursuing anything I think it would be best not to pursue the conversation.

All good pints, thank you.

OP posts:
Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:10

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 02/07/2022 15:09

How does he know it's from you if he hasn't opened it? Hmm

Distinctive handwriting OP said.

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 15:11

Sounds like mind games to me.

Yep, 100% this. I would find this off-putting really. I don't buy the 'he's just disorganised' thing at all - if that were the case, why would he make a point of telling you about it? He's trying to get a particular reaction out of you.

KarlWrenbury · 02/07/2022 15:12

Life doesn’t need to be this complicated. Tell him to piss off

Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 15:12

He is savouring the anticipation of opening the card hoping there might be a special message inside. He is afraid there won't be a special message inside.

He told you cos he was feeling close to you (was he a little drunk?) and maybe hoping you might tell him the message.

A bit like Schrödinger's cat.

Amateur psychology there for you.