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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this? All gender's viewpoints especially welcome!

104 replies

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:48

This may not be the right topic to put this under but I’d like people’s take on what I should make of this, if anything at all. I have a friend who I know through a local campaign group of which we are both members. I’m a mid-30’s straight single professional female, he is an early 50’s straight single professional male. There has been some flirting between us over the 3-4 years we’ve known each other and a couple of other members of the group have suggested to me, individually that he may have more than friendly feelings for me, but he has never said anything of that sort to me or made any sort of move etc so I can't say that that's true. We mainly see each other at group events or with other members of the group, socially.

He had a birthday in February and I dropped a card in the post to him a few days before it, as I do for all of the people from that group that I am friendly with (about 8 of them). I then thought no more about this.
Fast forward to yesterday when I saw him at an event held by the group. We sat together all evening, with others on our table and had a lovely time. We were both leaving at the same time and walking to our respective cars, parked quite near each other as it turned out. As I was about to get in my car (and he his), he suddenly stopped, walked over to my car and thanked me for the card. I can’t deny I had forgotten all about it and replied with
“oh, you’re very welcome” and he then said “I haven’t actually opened it yet”. I was quite bemused by this, as it’s over four months since his birthday, so just replied “oh right” rather nonchalant. He then explained to me that he keeps fishing it out of a pile of unopened mail in his house and putting it to the top. I was even more bemused by this and so clarified by saying “well it’s only a very boring, ordinary card so just open it, it’s not worth preserving” and I said this in a very light-hearted way, not least because it’s true.
He then thanked me for the card again, and repeated that he keeps fishing it out of the pile of unopened post and bringing it to the top again, telling me in fact it’s on the top of the pile of now. My natural reaction to most things is to joke about them and so I said “You know you can’t stop getting older by not opening your cards?! Honestly it’s nothing exciting so just open it, it’s really not worth hanging on to!” He laughed, hugged and kissed me (on the cheek) goodbye and we parted company.

In the grand scheme of things I have much bigger (AKA real) worries but it’s made me curious all night and today. I know I should have just said “why’s that?” to him and intend to next time I see him but it just seemed so unusual and I felt I was missing something. In trying to analyse it, I’ve thought; why mention it at all? He could have just said “thank you” (as he usually does) and I would have just said my usual “you’re welcome” if he wanted to acknowledge it. He seemed to want me to know that he’s holding on to it/putting it to the top of his mail pile. I never asked if he’d received it or about his birthday at all so he didn't need to say anything or explain. I may be missing something or of course it may mean absolutely nothing at all but all viewpoints are very welcome!

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:13

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/07/2022 15:03

I would put money on it being a whole conversation played out in his head and then you didn't say the right thing. And you know what the right thing was - to ask why. I would say the 'feelings' conversation would have happened then. But you shied away from it, and that is the real question that needs asking. Perhaps you don't really want any more from this? Get clarity on that in yourself first.

You could be right. Freud may have been on to something...............

OP posts:
Witchofthedales · 02/07/2022 15:13

By saying he keeps moving the card to the top of the pile maybe he means it's the most important in the pile so maybe in a roundabout way he was saying you are very important to him, I think he was trying to get you to ask why so he could say why and I think he's trying to ask you out but in a very confusing way as he doesn't know how to 😕
That's my take on it anyway!

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:13

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:04

You don't know that he's not.

Correct, I don't.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:15

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:10

Distinctive handwriting OP said.

Correct.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:16

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 15:11

Sounds like mind games to me.

Yep, 100% this. I would find this off-putting really. I don't buy the 'he's just disorganised' thing at all - if that were the case, why would he make a point of telling you about it? He's trying to get a particular reaction out of you.

I agree but what reaction is what I can't figure.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:17

Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 15:12

He is savouring the anticipation of opening the card hoping there might be a special message inside. He is afraid there won't be a special message inside.

He told you cos he was feeling close to you (was he a little drunk?) and maybe hoping you might tell him the message.

A bit like Schrödinger's cat.

Amateur psychology there for you.

He will be disappointed then. It simply wishes him a happy birthday, and future joy and good health.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:20

Witchofthedales · 02/07/2022 15:13

By saying he keeps moving the card to the top of the pile maybe he means it's the most important in the pile so maybe in a roundabout way he was saying you are very important to him, I think he was trying to get you to ask why so he could say why and I think he's trying to ask you out but in a very confusing way as he doesn't know how to 😕
That's my take on it anyway!

Appreciated!

He was very definite to tell me he keeps searching it out of the pile so I did feel that had some relevance. Just not sure what relevance!

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 02/07/2022 15:22

It sounds like a lot of tiresome navel gazing. If you like each other it will be obvious to both of you. If you don't like him in that way then don't give a second thought to his embarrassing inability to deal with everyday matters.

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:22

Maybe he likes to gaze at your handwriting OP 😍

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:23

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:22

Maybe he likes to gaze at your handwriting OP 😍

Perhaps it's that simple!

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 02/07/2022 15:24

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 15:22

Maybe he likes to gaze at your handwriting OP 😍

If that was the case he'd gaze at the personal message inside, not his own name and address.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:28

Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 15:12

He is savouring the anticipation of opening the card hoping there might be a special message inside. He is afraid there won't be a special message inside.

He told you cos he was feeling close to you (was he a little drunk?) and maybe hoping you might tell him the message.

A bit like Schrödinger's cat.

Amateur psychology there for you.

I can confirm he wasn't drunk as like myself, he is a life-long teetotaler (one of the many things we have in common). Had he been drunk I'd have just written it off as that.

OP posts:
tolerable · 02/07/2022 15:37

did you print your name/adress on envelope?
even so
wtf would he do that for,never mind tell you.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 15:43

tolerable · 02/07/2022 15:37

did you print your name/adress on envelope?
even so
wtf would he do that for,never mind tell you.

No, my handwriting is very distinctive so people usually know something is from me as soon as they receive it.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 15:58

You'll never know why he took so long to open it unless you ask him.

It's easy to be happy enough on your own, most of us are OK with our own company and your free to be a neat freak or slob as you feel like. I still think it doesn't compare to being in a loving relationship with someone who loves you for who you are. I don't regret a day of the years we've been together (though I did blame him for the pain when I was giving birth).

If you meet up with him at least you'll know a bit more and not need to speculate on mumsnet.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/07/2022 16:10

You should probably send his Christmas card soon 😁

Lujo · 02/07/2022 18:51

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 15:58

You'll never know why he took so long to open it unless you ask him.

It's easy to be happy enough on your own, most of us are OK with our own company and your free to be a neat freak or slob as you feel like. I still think it doesn't compare to being in a loving relationship with someone who loves you for who you are. I don't regret a day of the years we've been together (though I did blame him for the pain when I was giving birth).

If you meet up with him at least you'll know a bit more and not need to speculate on mumsnet.

Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 18:52

ThirtyThreeTrees · 02/07/2022 16:10

You should probably send his Christmas card soon 😁

Oddly enough, I write all my Christmas cards in August so I could send it 4 months early 😉

OP posts:
Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 18:54

Next time you see him ask him if he has opened the envelope yet. If he says no, then have a direct conversation asking directly - why have you not opened it yet, I don't understand etc....

If he says yes, I would ask then him why did you take so long to open the envelope. Be very direct.

1000Pieces · 02/07/2022 18:56

Lujo · 02/07/2022 18:52

Oddly enough, I write all my Christmas cards in August so I could send it 4 months early 😉

Why do you do this?

This is such a weird thread.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 18:58

Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 18:54

Next time you see him ask him if he has opened the envelope yet. If he says no, then have a direct conversation asking directly - why have you not opened it yet, I don't understand etc....

If he says yes, I would ask then him why did you take so long to open the envelope. Be very direct.

That's the way I'm heading for sure.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 19:00

1000Pieces · 02/07/2022 18:56

Why do you do this?

This is such a weird thread.

Simple answer, I have 2 weeks leave in August, September is a very busy month for me and I work away for all of October and November. When I return, usually around 3rd December I have both a lot of work to do and all the Cristmas celeberations/socials of the month so I like to be prepared.

OP posts:
badhappening · 02/07/2022 19:03

He sounds like an attention seeking teenager.
I wouldn't mention it again. Ever.

Jewel1968 · 02/07/2022 19:27

I ran this past my young adult kids. - they think it's pretty obvious he is really into you. Their advice - just ask him out (if you like him).

1000Pieces · 02/07/2022 19:28

Lujo · 02/07/2022 19:00

Simple answer, I have 2 weeks leave in August, September is a very busy month for me and I work away for all of October and November. When I return, usually around 3rd December I have both a lot of work to do and all the Cristmas celeberations/socials of the month so I like to be prepared.

How many hours/days a week do you work? How many Christmas cards do you have to write? How long can it possibly take you? So bizarre.

Also find it very bizarre that your handwriting is so distinctive, and that you have written to him so many times, that he knows a card is from you. Even though he hasn't opened it.