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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this? All gender's viewpoints especially welcome!

104 replies

Lujo · 02/07/2022 12:48

This may not be the right topic to put this under but I’d like people’s take on what I should make of this, if anything at all. I have a friend who I know through a local campaign group of which we are both members. I’m a mid-30’s straight single professional female, he is an early 50’s straight single professional male. There has been some flirting between us over the 3-4 years we’ve known each other and a couple of other members of the group have suggested to me, individually that he may have more than friendly feelings for me, but he has never said anything of that sort to me or made any sort of move etc so I can't say that that's true. We mainly see each other at group events or with other members of the group, socially.

He had a birthday in February and I dropped a card in the post to him a few days before it, as I do for all of the people from that group that I am friendly with (about 8 of them). I then thought no more about this.
Fast forward to yesterday when I saw him at an event held by the group. We sat together all evening, with others on our table and had a lovely time. We were both leaving at the same time and walking to our respective cars, parked quite near each other as it turned out. As I was about to get in my car (and he his), he suddenly stopped, walked over to my car and thanked me for the card. I can’t deny I had forgotten all about it and replied with
“oh, you’re very welcome” and he then said “I haven’t actually opened it yet”. I was quite bemused by this, as it’s over four months since his birthday, so just replied “oh right” rather nonchalant. He then explained to me that he keeps fishing it out of a pile of unopened mail in his house and putting it to the top. I was even more bemused by this and so clarified by saying “well it’s only a very boring, ordinary card so just open it, it’s not worth preserving” and I said this in a very light-hearted way, not least because it’s true.
He then thanked me for the card again, and repeated that he keeps fishing it out of the pile of unopened post and bringing it to the top again, telling me in fact it’s on the top of the pile of now. My natural reaction to most things is to joke about them and so I said “You know you can’t stop getting older by not opening your cards?! Honestly it’s nothing exciting so just open it, it’s really not worth hanging on to!” He laughed, hugged and kissed me (on the cheek) goodbye and we parted company.

In the grand scheme of things I have much bigger (AKA real) worries but it’s made me curious all night and today. I know I should have just said “why’s that?” to him and intend to next time I see him but it just seemed so unusual and I felt I was missing something. In trying to analyse it, I’ve thought; why mention it at all? He could have just said “thank you” (as he usually does) and I would have just said my usual “you’re welcome” if he wanted to acknowledge it. He seemed to want me to know that he’s holding on to it/putting it to the top of his mail pile. I never asked if he’d received it or about his birthday at all so he didn't need to say anything or explain. I may be missing something or of course it may mean absolutely nothing at all but all viewpoints are very welcome!

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 13:20

Just ask him.

Perhaps he doesn't want to open it because it may be disappointing. While it's unopened he can bring it to the top and have some hope that it's good. Open it and he'll either be pleased or disappointed. Maybe he's had a bad past with lots of personal disappointments and this avoidance is how he deals with it.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:20

rumred · 02/07/2022 13:15

Well my interpretation is that he's majorly disorganised and hasn't opened his post full stop. Why hasn't he opened the other stuff? That'd really bother me. If he does fancy you he's rubbish at communication. That would also bother me

I have three brothers who never open any post at all. That drives me crazy too! I go through it all when I visit their respective houses and seperate junk from important.

OP posts:
sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:22

You know you can't recall what it looked like, but he's not going to know that is he?
The other think I thought of was that if he's in a relationship with someone, it would be safer to keep any card within a sealed envelope. Once it's opened, anyone who has access to his office/house could see it unless he threw it? Just a thought.

Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 13:23

If you fancy him, ask him out for a coffee. I think you are overthinking this. He hasn’t shown any previous signs of odd behavior. Maybe he fluffed his lines and is shy. Maybe he doesn’t have the confidence to approach you properly after being single for long.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:24

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 13:20

Just ask him.

Perhaps he doesn't want to open it because it may be disappointing. While it's unopened he can bring it to the top and have some hope that it's good. Open it and he'll either be pleased or disappointed. Maybe he's had a bad past with lots of personal disappointments and this avoidance is how he deals with it.

Should the opportunity present I intend to ask him.

I do know he was badly hurt in a past relationship but have only heard that from others in the group (who've known him a lot longer) and not him direct.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:27

sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:22

You know you can't recall what it looked like, but he's not going to know that is he?
The other think I thought of was that if he's in a relationship with someone, it would be safer to keep any card within a sealed envelope. Once it's opened, anyone who has access to his office/house could see it unless he threw it? Just a thought.

He is single/was at the time. I can see your point though. Personally though I'd be more suspicious of a partner who didn't open something than did!

OP posts:
sslz82pe · 02/07/2022 13:30

It's certainly an unusual and intriguing event, OP.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:31

Do you fancy him?

If yes, text him and suggest a coffee/drink/walk.

If no, stop thinking about this!

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:32

Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 13:23

If you fancy him, ask him out for a coffee. I think you are overthinking this. He hasn’t shown any previous signs of odd behavior. Maybe he fluffed his lines and is shy. Maybe he doesn’t have the confidence to approach you properly after being single for long.

I agree I'm overthinking it but just feel I'm missing a piece of the jigsaw.
All your possible explanations could be right.

OP posts:
Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:46

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:31

Do you fancy him?

If yes, text him and suggest a coffee/drink/walk.

If no, stop thinking about this!

"Fancy" would be the wrong word. We have a lot in common, save for the age difference (which makes no difference for me for what it's worth) and hence a lot of connection. I would never have invited him on a "date" though.

OP posts:
Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 13:47

I hope you get the opportunity to get to know him! It’s hard to find decent and compatible people, and it seems there is mutual feeling there. I know his actions come across as odd but, from that you’ve posted, he bumbled a bit. I don’t agree with the comments saying there’s a reason he’s single at 50. Dating apps are full of single people, regardless of age, and there are apps specifically for those in their 50s and over. Maybe he just hasn’t met the right person (or he has in you but doesn’t know how to approach). Work situations can be notoriously tricky as you have to remain professional and not open yourself up to accusations of harassment.

Cath57 · 02/07/2022 13:48

Can you describe the flirting between you @Lujo ?
Seems odd to me that he's confident enough to flirt but not confident enough to ask you on a date after all that time.
Has he not opened the card because he isn't that bothered by cards?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 13:57

Shitscared123 · 02/07/2022 13:47

I hope you get the opportunity to get to know him! It’s hard to find decent and compatible people, and it seems there is mutual feeling there. I know his actions come across as odd but, from that you’ve posted, he bumbled a bit. I don’t agree with the comments saying there’s a reason he’s single at 50. Dating apps are full of single people, regardless of age, and there are apps specifically for those in their 50s and over. Maybe he just hasn’t met the right person (or he has in you but doesn’t know how to approach). Work situations can be notoriously tricky as you have to remain professional and not open yourself up to accusations of harassment.

Thank you, that's kind of you to say.

I agree about the 50+ and being single. I know a lot of 50 plusses who are single (most happily) and simply have not met the right person. Given the number of people of all ages with broken relationships I tend to look at older people who are single and think they've just managed to avoid getting stuck with the wrong person!

Certainly in itself I would not be put off somebody by the fact they are older and single.

OP posts:
ticktickticktickBOOM · 02/07/2022 13:59

Sounds like mind games to me.

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:01

I would never have invited him on a "date" though

Why not? Someone has to take the first step.

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 14:02

"Fancy" would be the wrong word. We have a lot in common, save for the age difference (which makes no difference for me for what it's worth) and hence a lot of connection. I would never have invited him on a "date" though.

So change my question to ‘Do you want to go on a date with him?’ Or ‘Are you interested in exploring a relationship with him?’

And then decide if you should be thinking about this at all.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:04

Cath57 · 02/07/2022 13:48

Can you describe the flirting between you @Lujo ?
Seems odd to me that he's confident enough to flirt but not confident enough to ask you on a date after all that time.
Has he not opened the card because he isn't that bothered by cards?

The flirting has been what I'd call mild and has largely stemmed from him paying me a compliment (I believe genuinely) or his gentle teasing of me and my reacting to it. I'm pretty quick with one liners, very comfortable in male company (I work in a very male-dominated area which I love) so am confident with it.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/07/2022 14:04

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 13:04

There is a reason he’s single in his 50s. And he has an issue with avoidance - he’s got a whole pile of unopened post going back more than 5 months.

I’d keep him firmly in the acquaintance hobby friend zone if I were you!

I agree with this. It’s not normal to keep a pile of unopened mail, it’s not normal not to open a birthday card and tell the sender you didn’t open it. He was clearly wanting you to ask him why, but this is a person I’d keep at arms length, especially if he sees you as a potential girlfriend.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:06

NoSquirrels · 02/07/2022 14:02

"Fancy" would be the wrong word. We have a lot in common, save for the age difference (which makes no difference for me for what it's worth) and hence a lot of connection. I would never have invited him on a "date" though.

So change my question to ‘Do you want to go on a date with him?’ Or ‘Are you interested in exploring a relationship with him?’

And then decide if you should be thinking about this at all.

I'll have to think more about the former and less about the latter 😂

OP posts:
Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 14:06

Does he tease you when there's an audience ? @Lujo Or does he tease you in private ?

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:12

Tangerine58 · 02/07/2022 14:06

Does he tease you when there's an audience ? @Lujo Or does he tease you in private ?

Both. Though "private" is rare as I see him mainly as part of the group. There has been the odd text conversation and more often phone calls with it though. They generally start business-related and then the conversation turns more personal.

OP posts:
flutterbybabycakes · 02/07/2022 14:18

I can't help myself. If someone offers up information it's question free for all. I'd have asked why he had a pile of unopened mail.

He sounds weird, creepy even.

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:21

Mischance · 02/07/2022 13:00

How does he know it is from you of he hasn't opened it?

Maybe there is a reason why he is single in his 50s .... Smile

Perhaps a similar reason to why lujo is single?

Some of our friends are male, single and even older. I can see one of them behaving a bit like this, totally unorganised, an other keeps his house like a show house a speck of dirt wouldn't dare appear. They had issues with dating when they were younger, basically the girls just took mick. Totally put them off. They've been great uncles to our girls and to other friends kids. Would have been great dad's.

Some people just don't get on well with dating.

Lujo · 02/07/2022 14:25

flutterbybabycakes · 02/07/2022 14:18

I can't help myself. If someone offers up information it's question free for all. I'd have asked why he had a pile of unopened mail.

He sounds weird, creepy even.

I think it's common among single men to not open mail (and at least 2 of my female friends who always have a huge pile on the hallway floor).

As per the sublect though, all opinions welcome 🙂

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 02/07/2022 14:35

ticktickticktickBOOM · 02/07/2022 13:59

Sounds like mind games to me.

I agree.