Long term fostering... Mum&Dad

[QuietDay]

Looking for experience from anyone having experienced this situation in real life.... Not general thoughts and opinions please...

We've known our foster child for 5 months now. Recently they have written me notes and spoken to me to express the desire to call me 'Dad'......

They have made this decision on their own.

They are in our long term care.

There are other birth children using the terms in the house.

I am not bothered by the idea at all... In fact I'd anything I think of it as a compliment! My take on it, having read and understood some of the psychology behind it, is call me whatever you like as long as it's not rude!!

However, my better half thinks this is an absolute no no and not at all appropriate, thinking it'll in someway change the relationship between the word, her and birth children.

My foster daughter has already started saying Dad occasionally anyway, and having read what I have, I don't think it's fair to ask her not to.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in this same situation.

Thanks in advance.

Hi OP, you may have better luck on the adoption and fostering section of the site. You can report your post and ask MN to move it. Good luck.

Do you know if her care plan is to be with you until she's at care-leaving age? If there's any chance of a reintegration into her birth family I think you'd need to gently discourage it, as it may be confusing. However if the birth family have no parental responsibility and there's no chance of reunification then see how the social worker feels about it?

I think this would be frowned upon in most foster care situations. Maybe yours is the exception.

However for the child if they feel at home as part of your family it probably makes perfect sense and I would want to allow that if they wanted to.

But then there’s the rulezz … What do the CSW, SSW and IRO, care plan and birth parents say?

How old are the children and what’s the long term plan? If it’s likely to be anything other than staying with you permanently then I wouldn’t because it causes real problems when they move on to their permanent home regardless of whether that’s a return to birth family or on to adoption. It’s natural that they would want to call you mum and dad especially if there are other children at home who do, but it causes so much confusion and heartache down the line if you become the second set of “mum and dad” they lose.

Its also part of their process if understanding their life story, how they came to be in care, how they had people who loved them and looked after them until X happened and they were in their permanent place. You could support that process by explaining foster care and your relationship to them which is like being their parent, but not the same - which they’ll know because of continued social work involvement, review meetings etc.

Is there another name/nickname they could use which is unique to them and their relationship to you.

For reference I adopted two older children who are now on their 4 “mum”, which means they struggle to understand the forever nature of our relationship and thought of “mum” as a role to be filled rather than an actual parent/child relationship. If you do the hard work with them now (which is part of the fostering role) it’ll stand them in good stead down the road.

If the plan is that they stay with you permanently I’d seek the advice of their social worker.

Could you be DadDave or DadJohn / whatever your name is?

Hi can they call him "Dadquietday" so there is a distinction. They are just saying what they are hearing and wanting to fit in. I know a few Foster carers and mum and dad is a gentle nono,

head over to the fostering board on here. But this is generally a big no no.
my folks are foster carers. And it’s always something that has been avoided.

My take on it, having read and understood some of the psychology behind it, is call me whatever you like as long as it's not rude!!

I think your reading may be somewhat outdated. There was a time when foster carers were called foster parents, but that terminology changed a good while ago because it doesn’t reflect the legal status of the child or carer. You aren’t her dad, biologically or legally, your rights in relation to her are limited by law so her calling you dad doesn’t accurately reflect your relationship to her.

I can understand why you think “it doesn’t matter” but in reality it does because your foster child has already had a number of disrupted attachments so it’s important current relationships aren’t confused. I don’t know many (if any) experts in adoption and fostering who would think it was ok without a lot of exploration with her and you and your wife, and a clear permanence plan for the child.

You should have covered this in your training but I think it sounds really inappropriate. You don't know how long you'll be fostering this child four and they've only been with you for a few months. It might be a good idea to read up on attachment issues, but again that should've been covered in your training.

I’m a foster carer - social workers don’t usually like it. However the attachment theory training I’ve been in makes it clear that if the child chooses it and understands their relationship with their birth family then it’s fine. Both mine do. They also both see their birth mums and understand the difference between us but call their birth mum and me mum. They are long term placements though. I would discourage it with a temporary placement. All kids want us to belong and not have to explain to friends they’re in foster care etc.

Ive name changed for this.

I’m a foster carer and have been for 25 years, I have never known a social worker to discourage a child if they were to call their foster carers mum or dad.

I have worked with third sector and local authority social work departments and they have all been of the same, if the child wants to call you mum/dad that’s fine with them. I’ve had a child placed with me and within 10 minutes of them being in my house, I’m front of the social worker referred to me as mum and neither of us corrected them.

I would never ever correct a child if they were to call me mum as you are then making them different from your own family. It is hard when they are not going to be placed with you long term.

I have a child who has a relationship with their birth parents who they refer to as mum and dad, and they call me mum.

Foster carer here.
First off, why are you asking a group on mums net and not either your social worker or the children social worker? Have you actually asked them already and what did they say?
Calling the carers mum or dad is very much frowned upon. You do not say the child’s age, she could be at that point where all females aren’t men and all males are done. By letting this continue, you are potentially really confusing her.
Also it is not true. I am sure other carers in your group can suggest kind ways to deter it.

Hi I am a foster carer and have a long term placement of almost 11 years. FS came at 5 as an emergency placement, then stayed. He is 16 next week. Our agency told us he must call us by our first names but over time he refers to us as Mum and Dad, especially to others outside of house. At home he often still uses our first names. He does not like people to know he is fostered and that's why he calls us Mum and Dad when we are out. SW knows and says it is ok it is whatever he feels comfortable with. He still sees his birth Dad occasionally, and when he said bye Dad, when my dh dropped him off to SW for contact with his birth Dad he nearly went mad. FS shouted back at him, well he is my Dad. Thing is FS can't remember ever living at home with birth parents as went into care at 2. Birth Mum never turns up seen him about 3 years ago and birth Dad turns up as bout once a year. He could have 3 contacts a year but does not often turn up. I would let him if he wants to. It's just a name.

Thanks so much for all the responses. Very much appreciated.

Extremes of the spectrum in the responses I think it's fair to say.

To clarify the child is with us for the long term. 18 and beyond if they choose. There's no chance of going back to birth family who they see very infrequently and not in the last year in fact. The child is in primary school.

I'm going with the child's voice being the most important thing. I've deliberately not asked the CSW for input as the decisions they've previously made for the child have been detrimental... Even the IRO agrees a change of CSW is required.

The child has relocated away from their home area due to what happened there.

Multiple other children in the house use the term Dad. It's heard constantly.

And most importantly, the child has asked in person and also written notes to say/ask if I'd mind.

Taking in to account all of the above.... And yes, I've extensive training on attachment theory, having been involved in professions where it's directly relevant. My decision is to let the child do what comes naturally to them. Put a stop to it and that bond will be affected.

If this was short term, then I'd 100% say no. I've had short term placements with 3x week contact sessions with birth parents. Reunification was the goal. I'd never have allowed them to call me dad.

Thanks again for all input

If the child is to stay with you until 18+ then absolutely. I think it’s so wonderful they feel so comfortable and attached to you to initiate it. ❤️

My experience was that I discouraged the FDC calling us mum and dad and bitterly regretted it.
I think there's something primal about belong, about having a mum who is there for you rather than a flaky (for whatever reason) one.
I think there's nothing wrong with having two mums- the DC can always clarify which one they mean.

Ultimately I think it's a rejection of the child's attempts to bond.

I think it's a massive compliment and if the long term plan is to have the child remain as part of your family, and other children in the household call you dad, it's not a bad thing to allow it to continue

I am not an expert. But I think if you asked her to stop calling you Dad, that she will feel incredibly pushed out and not an on an equal level with the other children in your house.

My understanding is that it’s a pretty normal thing to happen.
when in LT foster care, the carers are becoming mum and dad to the child. It also probably gives the child a sense if normalcy

@QuietDay I’m with you. I’d take that as a huge compliment.

It’s an interesting idea that a foster parent (LT) can’t be a mum or dad.

For me, a mother or a father are the birth parent. Nothing can change that.
But the people who look after the child, wipe their tears, listen to them, their worries, celebrate their successes, these people are mum and dad. Just like a step parent for example can become ‘mum or dad’ to a child.

@QuietDay have you talked to your social worker about this? What is their view?

We shouldn't be actively encouraging children to call their carers mum and dad but I also agree that telling a small child they can't, could be another rejection for them.

Lots of kids refer to carers as mum and dad to others but stick to first names at home. They then don't have to constantly tell people they're in foster care unless they want to.

I guess my reservation here is you talk about this being a long term placement but they've been with you for 5 months so it's still very early days. I know we can never guarantee a placement won't break down but it's quite soon to make that commitment.

Long term matching with carers generally won't happen until the child has been in placement 12 months or more if care planning isn't finalised.

Parents can get very upset if they hear that carers are now mum and dad and this can cause difficulties which is another factor to be aware of.

@socialworkme what I haven't really explained well, and won't go into in detail, is that although this is a long term placement, the child was already known to us before from a previous placement. That placement was short term.... Child then moved to long term which broke down within a few months. Child, social services, IRO, school etc all requested the option to move back to us where they had been previously very happy and personally requested to return to long term.
It's a unique position for sure... Nobody in the team around the child has experienced anything like this happening before. Short of something tragic happening to us health wise, this is as long term guaranteed as anything ever can be.

I am a Foster carer and this has always been a no no.
Even with long term placements. They legally have a mum and dad and we are not even officially Foster parents these days but ather Foster carers.

I get it is frustrating and we have a 16 Yr old who has been with us his whole life and yes we consider ourselves to be his parents in the truest sense of the word but we cannot call ourselves that sadly.

And with due respect having known a child 5 months is a v short span of time in terms of fostering.Placements can and do break down for all sorts of reasons and it muddies the waters even more if they have claimed you as mum and dad . I know the plan is to look after the child long term, and hopefully you will succeed in that but there will be unexpected challenges ahead that you cannot foresee at this point . If the placement is going well down the line there is no reason why the child cannot discuss this issue with the social worker and get them to decide.

It's a unique position for sure... Nobody in the team around the child has experienced anything like this happening before.

Given the uniqueness of the situation, I’d bring it to the team at next review and discuss with them.

I think at the end of the day, with respect, I'm going to leave it to to the child to decide... It's really not for someone with the title social worker who has seen the child in total for less than a day, but had attended training courses and read a text book to tell the child what they feel and want to do. That's where resentment comes from.