Long term fostering... Mum&Dad

[QuietDay]

Looking for experience from anyone having experienced this situation in real life.... Not general thoughts and opinions please...

We've known our foster child for 5 months now. Recently they have written me notes and spoken to me to express the desire to call me 'Dad'......

They have made this decision on their own.

They are in our long term care.

There are other birth children using the terms in the house.

I am not bothered by the idea at all... In fact I'd anything I think of it as a compliment! My take on it, having read and understood some of the psychology behind it, is call me whatever you like as long as it's not rude!!

However, my better half thinks this is an absolute no no and not at all appropriate, thinking it'll in someway change the relationship between the word, her and birth children.

My foster daughter has already started saying Dad occasionally anyway, and having read what I have, I don't think it's fair to ask her not to.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in this same situation.

Thanks in advance.

I don’t think anyone should be telling the child what to feel and do, you’ve clearly made up your mind as is your right however as someone with personal and professional experience of the longer term impact on children in care, helping the child have a good understanding of the adult relationships in their lives and making sense of their life story is important. Professionals can help you avoid longer term harm or confusion that can arise. Fostering is a complex relationship for adults and children, particularly given the closeness of care and the “permanent” nature of placement which can, in reality, be ended fairly easily and with little notice.

Given you seem to be disregarding your wife’s views on this, which are equally valid, it’s clear you want what you want. There’s no reason why in a permanent placement a child can’t call you mum and dad, but there’s some work to be done in supporting them in the immediate to longer term.

You wouldn’t follow your child’s wishes if they wanted to eat ice cream all day, this is arguably a more complex issue with longer term impact which you don’t seem to want to give any consideration to. Given it’s a permanent placement is adoption a possibility, which would formalise the parent/child relationship?

As a foster carer, I'm sure it can be frustrating at times but your post shows a concerning disregard for professionals and their expertise and training.

People like you @QuietDay make me happy. I just read your comments on this thread and I am so choked up its embarrassing. I can't articulate why, well I could be don't want to, but thank you. You sound like an amazing Foster dad. So glad your Foster child has you ❤

@MumbleAlwaysMumble - others in a child’s life may also do this- nannies, aunts, uncles, school matrons and teachers. Some will do this more than the child’s own parents. That still does not make them mum or dad 💐

My children might have different birth parents but I’m the one who’s their Mum. I fulfil a unique role that no one else does in their life, I’m the one who’s there for them and takes on a parental role and the fact they want to call me Mum, not because I’ve told them to but because that’s how they see me means the world.

If they’re in your long term care then there is no problem, lots of foster kids in our agency say mum and dad. I find it quite odd at the amount of no no’s on here. It’s really up to the child, if she is permanently placed then you are her foster dad 🙂 She’s just got two families instead of one.
If it’s short term whilst the council is looking for adoption placements then I can see it may cause confusion for the child.

Yes to all of this from a fellow foster carer 🙂❤️

Spot on I reckon!
The 'No's on here are irrelevant anyway now as my foster daughter flatly refused to call me by my name in the end... Said she was calling me dad because everyone else does and she's doing what she can to feel she fits in, belongs and is as normal as possible.
There you go. Out of the mouths of babes... Who am I to say any different!?!? Think kids could teach many adults a thing or two ;-)

Cheers

Late to the chat but when a child is long term placement and absolutely knows that you aren't their biological parent then it's up to the child. It's about them having a need to use that term at that moment in time.

You are right. I wish you and the child you care for every joy and success.