Relationship on verge of collapse - with 5 month old baby

[DaisyDuck321]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can share their experiences of their relationship in the early days of having a child.

I'm going to vent below just because I need to. It may become an inconherent mess by the end as I ramble on at 5am but we shall see.

Firstly, DD was planned, and she is the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me. I adore her. I've exclusively breastfed from the start, but there were the occasional times when my partner would give her a bottle of expressed breast milk. However she refuses to take it now. Fine by me, but it just means I'm the only one who can do the feeds, and therefore I'm the one who feeds her and gets her to sleep every single night which can take over an hour at times (after having her bath etc). (You'll get the point of me saying this later on).

DH (engaged, not actually married but I dont want to keep writing partner so DH it is) was okay when I was pregnant but not as supportive as I had imagined or wanted. There were some real low point though of him being a real arse. I assumed this would change when our DD was born and he had something tangible to see etc.

My labour and her birth were very traumatic, resulting in a forceps birth in theatre, with an episiotomy and a tear, which later got infected too. Yay.

At first things were 'fine'. Minus the sleep deprivation on my end. DH rarely woke up when DD cried in the night. What did disturb his sleep though were my nightmares. I'd dream that he had picked her up and fallen to sleep with her in bed and that she was smothered by the quilt. It was awful. I'd wake us both up because I'd be half asleep, frantically patting his body down in search of our DD, convinced he had her and she'd got trapped under the quilt, when in reality she was sleeping soundly in the next to me crib on my side of the bed.

Multiple night feeds plus nightmares meant my sleep was very limited. Then his 5am alarm for work disturbed DD (not to mention his snoring etc) and after 3 months I persuaded DH to sleep in the spare room Mon- Friday. My nightmares stopped in the week at least, DD wasn't disturbed as much and started to sleep for longer periods which was amazing. Obviously DH never heard a thing and doesn't get disturbed at all in the night now. In my eyes, its a win win for everyone.

Oh god I realise how much I've rambled already.

Sex. Sex after a baby. Sex after traumatic birth. Sex after epesiotomy. Sex when breastfeeding. I really do not want to have sex. At all. Tell me I'm not alone here?!?!

Its not that its just him I don't want to have sex with, the most attractive man in the world could offer himself on a plate and I'd still rather just lay down on my own once DD is in bed. DH just does not get this though. We have tried once, I was petrified, it hurt and we stopped. He has had other activities performed twice since she was born but thats it. He says things like 'Its not fair making me live in a sexless relationship, what do you expect me to do?' Etc. I've told him I expect his support and maybe if he did more to help me so that by the time I've got DD to bed , I can actually relax rather than coming downstairs to tidy up, wash the pots, fold the washing etc. Its not like I'm deliberately withholding sex either, I have zero interest in it at all now, but he acts like I'm doing it (well, more like not doing it) as some sort of punishment to him?!

Which brings me to the help I get from him. Or lack thereof.

He is starting to spend more time with DD but only since we've had multiple arguments about the lack of time he spends with her. And yet despite him spending little time with her, he thinks its appropriate to make statements like "she always cries because she knows you'll go pick her up. You need to just let her cry" etc.

No thank you, and no offence to those that do; but I'm not comfortable letting her cry herself to sleep. I'll let her cry for 10 minutes sometimes before I go back in to comfort her, so it's not like I rush instantly to her. I've told him its hard enough being a new mother and worrying that you're doing a good job without your partner blaming you for any unfavourable or difficult behaviour your child may have.

Then its the house. I still pay exactly 50% of all household bills and food whilst on maternity leave, maybe if he supported me financially I'd feel more obliged to do more of the cleaning but he doesnt. In my eyes he goes to work every day (usually home for 2pm) and my job is looking after DD. I worked full time before DD, and worked a LOT longer hours too in a stressful job, so it's not like I dont know the difficulties of working.

I try to do some chores each day but sometimes it's just impossible. He does help sometimes but I usually have to nag first. There will be a pile of his washed dried and folded clothes in the utility ready for him to put away but rather than do that, they'll stay there and he'll just live out of the pile of clothes. I'll come down after getting DD to bed to find he's laid on the sofa watching Netflix, surrounded by toys, washing up still to be done, clean dry washing to be folded, or clothes to be put in the dryer etc. The washing doesn't bother me, but it infuriates me that I have to come downstairs and tidy the living room and wash the pots etc after he's spent his time just watching TV. Then he'll go to bed at 9pm since he's up at 5am. Why not tidy up whilst I get DD to bed and then we could watch TV together?

We barely speak. If he's watching Netflix when I come down and I try to talk to him, he'll huff and give me one word answers. Just pause it?? Its not live. Surely communicating with your partner should come first. And yet he wonders why I don't want him to come anywhere near me, when he cant even talk to me. Thats no exaggeration btw. I really do not want him touching me. I am so touched out from having DD all day that I don't want anyone else to come near me. I know that must be hard for him but I currently can't stand it.

Back to communication anyway. Despite us barely conversing, what he is quite vocal about though is the fact that he thinks he does plenty, more than his fair share and pulls his weight. I couldnt disagree anymore if I tried. He tells me if I don't like it, we should split up. I've told him that my life shouldn't be harder with him in it, and that if I were to become a single parent tomorrow, my life wouldn't change that much since I do 99% of everything anyway.

I could go on for days writing my thoughts. But basically it's crap. I think we both know it needs to end but neither one of us wants to be the person to do it. I worry about housing, where would I live? If we sold up, would I be able to get a house on my own that I could afford, could I even get a mortgage on maternity leave? When would he see her? How upset would it make me having to 'share her' and her go and sleep somewhere else one night a week etc when she's older. Would it be awful to split up for DD? Etc etc.

Apologies for dumping my early morning thoughts on here and expecting you all to get this far!

Firstly the bond you have with your daughter sounds lovely. Just how it should be. Why would she want a bottle from your partner when she can get everything she needs at this stage nutritionally from her Mum and her boobs! Weaning soon/now though obvs.

You sound very rational and your post is so clear and well structured that it gave a real insight in to how you’re being treated and how your partner’s actions cause some frustrations and resentment.

Whilst he sounds like an ignorant fool in many examples you give, there is likely to be a fairly large zone in him of what I shall call ‘unconscious incompetence’ where it simply doesn’t occur to him that he needs to be a better support.

The trick is to raise his awareness to give him an opportunity to improve. If you can find a way to make him think and see what you’ve been through over the last year, he may have it in him to change his level of support.

Then again, he may be absolutely truly useless and worth ditching. But before you get there it sounds like a firm chat where you ask him to listen and tell him you need MORE support. More teamwork. Better co-parenting.

Are you close to his parents? Would an off the record chat with them help? Could they talk to him. Careful though - could do more harm than good.

Don’t accept your current set up. It isn’t fair on you, even if he thinks it’s acceptable.

Good luck.

You poor thing. It sounds like you are shouldering far more than you should, in the relationship, as parents and even as housemates. And the sex thing is really horrible.

Have you tried to talk about how unhappy you are? Or suggested couples therapy? Do you ever think about splitting up? Was he really not like this at all before you were pregnant- or was he a bit lazy and insensitive and has just become so much worse when you needed him to step up?

I'm not really sure what to suggest but I wanted to say I'm sorry and it sounds like you are doing brilliantly with your baby but that you deserve better from partner.

If you do try to talk to him/write to him, I recommend a format called a DEAR MAN letter, it helps you formulate your thoughts to get your points across in a way in which the other person will hopefully listen (google DEARMAN DBT)

Ohhhh OP💕 I don’t have much advice unfortunately but sending lots and lots of love and support. Hopefully some others will be able to give you some wise words xxx

It's crap isn't it? But not surprising as most men just carry on with their lives once a father. He feels left out and not getting his point across in an adult way by talking, just by acting the child.
Get him more involved, get him to take her out in the pram and get to know her.
I get the feeling of being all touched out. By the end of the day I just want to be on my own rather than having a man child paw me over. If he acted more loving and caring, you would too I'm sure.
My advice? You literally have to get through it the best you can. You can also do it on your own can't you. You sound like you could manage.

Hmmm he sounds like an entitled manchild to me. Send him to counselling to find out what being a father looks like, and if he refuses to try, then your last paragraph is all about adult choices, and they aren't yours.

Whatever amount of sex you want to have after birth is right because only you get to make that call. If it helps, I basically didn't have sex at all after my children in quick succession but a couple of years later am finding that life in the southern regions is coming back in a healthy positive way which I don't think would have happened if I had forced it.

Don't overthink this. Be clear about what you and your daughter deserve, and you want and go from there.

My eldest DD's dad was just like this OP. I tried and tried to get him to see how much I was struggling and begged him to change, but ultimately, things only improved when I eventually left him when she was 18 months old. Life became considerably better almost overnight. Now many years later I'm married to a fantastic man who does (sometimes more than) his fair share of housework, childcare and night shifts with the baby.

It makes me so cross when I hear some of my mum friends complaining about their partners being just like yours and accepting it as 'just how men are'. You, and they, really don't need to accept such low standards.

As the old Mumsnet saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, listen.

I had an episiotomy and couldn’t have sex till nine months later. It was too painful. Even at nine months later it was still a bit sore. If he bothered to Google he would find other women saying this too.

Have a look at the child maintenance calculator and benefits calculator and find out how much you would be entitled to on your own. Is he self employed or with an employer?

The first few years of young DC are really really tough on a relationship (I had my two dc 15 months apart and it was full on). We ended up divorcing when the dc were 11 & 12 as we had grown apart and did not love each other anymore. Your DP sounds pretty selfish, if you are doing all of the feeds / nights then he absolutely should be pulling his weight - sadly he has no respect for you and doesnt want to. A partnership is supposed to be loving and supportive especially at this time. If you carry on the way you are you have two children on your hand there and resentment just gets deeper and deeper.

You absolutely can still get a mortgage on maternity leave if you are intending to go back to work? A lot of women find their sex drive drops off a cliff postpartum and that coupled with a traumatic birth and the exhaustion of a new baby is only natural, most supportive partners would understand.

You need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth continuing? If you are breastfeeding it will limit the amount of contact he would be able to have with your child at the minute anyway. I wouldnt worry about splitting up and the impact on your DD at such a young age best off doing it sooner rather than later - my dc have coped far far better than I imagined when we split up 6 years ago.

Would counselling help?

What was like with housework before the baby arrived?

And by the way, he is being a petulant, spoiled child.
However- in a calm moment, can you agree a division of tasks?
Have you asked him if he genuinely thinks it's fair that you do everything?
Have you asked him if he genuinely doesn't want you vagina to heal after the traumatic birth?

My youngest is two, I had a straight forward birth with episiotomy and it was only after she turned 18 months my desire for sex returned. First birth was awful and it was about 18 months before I wanted sex. DH was fine about the lack of sex as I’m not sure we would have survived him hassling for sex as well.
Cleaning Should be shared and if you sleep better without him in bed he should move.
It sounds like you are a great mother and just spell it out to him in really basic terms.
I sent mine the you should have asked cartoon because I knew he’d see the funny side and it would get through to him.
someone did once say a baby is like a bomb going off in a relationship and it takes a awhile to recover.

So basically he has left all the nights to you, most of the daytime childcare, expects you to do all the chores as you are at home and pay 50% of the bills and after all of that still want to have sex with him

I would sit down and tell him that it is really unfair. The 50% is a HUGE red flag that he expects you to do the childcare and the chores and still pay. How on earth are you suppose to be in a relationship where your needs arent met.

Look at your Dreams - Dreams are your unconscious trying to tell you something look at what yours are trying to tell you about what you really think of him

Thank you so much! She really is everything to me.

Yes I realised that he might not have been aware of half of these things, so I've had multiple conversations with him now on how he can (and should) be helping me. I've even said 'When you go downstairs whilst I feed her and put her to bed, LOOK for ways to help me. Are the pots done? No. Okay do those please. Are there toys all over the living room floor? Yes. Okay tidy those into one corner please.'

God only imagine what he'd be like if we bottle fed and I expected him to help feed her abd sterilise the bottles etc 🙄

When I say I need more support he says he does his fair share and if I don't like it, I should leave.

I get on well enough with his mother but I'm not sure if I would dare say anything to her and risk making everything worse.

He sound very unreasonable and really needs to take on his share of the housework and give you a break. I would suggest asking him to put the baby to sleep after you've nursed her. Not every night but at least a few times a week. He needs to figure out what works swinging or singing or patting to sleep, not just letting her cry and give you a little time in the evening on your own. This, at least, could be a first step towards balancing the workload and becoming a more involved father.

If you ask him and he makes no effort to help you out with bedtime (or he tries once and claims it's too difficult/time-consuming), I don't think it bodes well for your relationship.

Gosh sounds all too familiar.

Next you'll be getting 'you've changed'.

If I was contributing 50% I'd be expecting everything else to work on that basis too.

I hope things work out.

I've suggested couples therapy multiple times. I get it for free through my employer as one of our employment benefits. I'm not sure how good it is but I know its there if needed. He refuses. He says things like "if you need therapy or counselling whats the point".

Maybe he was a bit like this before I was pregnant, but I worked ridiculously long hours so didn't notice as much maybe.

I do think about splitting up. Last night I was looking on the 'entitled to website to see if I'd be better off going back full time and having to pay for full time childcare, versus part time and getting some UC etc. I just don't want to make the wrong decision. I am scared of making the wrong decision.

Thank you I will google Dearman DBT!

I just wanted to pick up on two things - the nightmare issue you had I think is quite a common one for new mums! I can't tell you the amount of times I shot up frantically searching the covers for my baby who was actually downstairs with DH.

And as for sex, I was very lucky in lots of ways with my delivery. I did have stitches, but they seemed to heal very quickly and they caused me literally no pain at all. All things down below looked and felt the same to me after about a week and a half maybe. I feel horrible saying that to someone who had a rough time, but I just want to illustrate the point properly. Despite all that, me and DH had sex for the first time since giving birth two days ago - my baby is nearly 8 months old!

I admit the time it took was partly down to my baby's poor sleep which meant we barely got a moment alone together. But I also had no desire for sex until maybe six months. I was bloody tired! I'd have fumed if DH complained, bloomin hell.

I suspect that if your DH pulled his weight a bit more, he may well be too tired for sex too!

When I say I need more support he says he does his fair share and if I don't like it, I should leave.

OP, he has checked out. He is not interested in improving matters or changing.

You'll be wasting time going to counselling - though I doubt he'll go. It's only useful if you both recognise there's a problem & want to change. He doesn't.

The pattern of his poor, selfish behaviour was probably always there. But it became more noticeable in pregnancy & now he isn't interested in being a supportive partner & active parent. I'm sorry.

The only 'good' thing is that you aren't married. You need to start making plans to split up, who can you get support from in real life?

I think you will be fine, in the end. 💐

He’s right about one thing, you SHOULD leave.

My relationship ended when my son was 7months old, due to him having an emotional affair- but he was also useless like your partner is.
You shouldn’t have to gently take him by the hand and introduce the idea of him actually pulling his weight.

To be honest, the reason I stopped counselling with my ex (after it came out he’d lied after he said he was really telling the truth about his involvement w this woman he was chatting up) was because I wanted a quick clean split while our son was too little to understand. I don’t regret it at all.

I was basically a single mum anyway, and now I only have a child to pick up after, instead of a child and a manchild.

I guess this is a recommendation to LTB, but it’s meant as more of a reassurance that if you do, that will be normal for your child, they won’t have to go through all the painful emotions later on, and you can prioritise you and your child rather than some unhelpful man who just expects you to be a cleaning and sex appliance.

I can't get over the fact he gets home at 2pm every day! That's loads of time to parent, do housework AND watch Netflix. What does he do all afternoon?

Thank you so much 💗

It is crap. Agreed.
I will try that, thank you. He can never be bothered to do anything after work though so we shall see!
I'm glad you understand feeling touched out! I've tried to explain it to him but I think he just sees it as an excuse.
I definitely could manage on my own I just worry about making the wrong decision, "sharing" her and her being away from me for long periods of time and a lack of support from his family if we separated. My family live hours away 😪

Your partner just gets worse and worse with each of your updates. I could not respect or love a partner like this. And your daughter deserves better. She will have a better life without seeing how him happy her parents are together. I would 100% leave.

When you have these conversations and give these specific instructions, does he do the thing you ask him to, to an appropriate standard? He sounds like the kind of man who has to be told what to do, and even though this is irritating and unattractive it can be easier to sort out.

It sounds like there are so many problems here (sorry) that you need to take them one step at a time. The easiest to fix is probably the chores - in a moment of calmness (if there ever is one!), it might help if you come up with a list of things you want him to do every evening while you are putting the baby to sleep (washing up, putting the toys away and folding up clothes is a good start. On this note, him doing 'tidy up time' while baby is in the bouncer or on the floor kills two birds with one stone - the toys get put away and he has some quality time with her). It sounds like he needs to get into the habit of doing this kind of stuff as he probably doesn't even notice it being done. Did he contribute before pregnancy?

Regarding the not talking, you could try a 'no technology' half hour every day after the baby has gone up?

Regarding the sex, have you explained that this is a physical/hormonal reaction? Men take sexual rejection extremely personally. It might sound obvious to you but if you explain to him that this is nothing to do with his attractiveness or sexual ability (he will likely be thinking this) and that it won't last forever (he will definitely be thinking this, and is probably why he's ignoring you in the evening tbh), I think you'll see an improvement. And him not financially supporting you is probably too charged to sort out now, to be honest. It's really shit that he's done that, but a renegotiation at this stage isn't going to achieve anything IMO.

Good luck - his behaviour is pretty appalling at the moment but there's a chance he can pull it around

How could this be any worse OP - he believes that when he is home at 2 he doesnt need to do anything but you still have to pay.

Do you want to try and salvage this or just figure out the best way to separate (which is not to leave the house by the way) and start the ball rolling there