Relationship on verge of collapse - with 5 month old baby

[DaisyDuck321]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can share their experiences of their relationship in the early days of having a child.

I'm going to vent below just because I need to. It may become an inconherent mess by the end as I ramble on at 5am but we shall see.

Firstly, DD was planned, and she is the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me. I adore her. I've exclusively breastfed from the start, but there were the occasional times when my partner would give her a bottle of expressed breast milk. However she refuses to take it now. Fine by me, but it just means I'm the only one who can do the feeds, and therefore I'm the one who feeds her and gets her to sleep every single night which can take over an hour at times (after having her bath etc). (You'll get the point of me saying this later on).

DH (engaged, not actually married but I dont want to keep writing partner so DH it is) was okay when I was pregnant but not as supportive as I had imagined or wanted. There were some real low point though of him being a real arse. I assumed this would change when our DD was born and he had something tangible to see etc.

My labour and her birth were very traumatic, resulting in a forceps birth in theatre, with an episiotomy and a tear, which later got infected too. Yay.

At first things were 'fine'. Minus the sleep deprivation on my end. DH rarely woke up when DD cried in the night. What did disturb his sleep though were my nightmares. I'd dream that he had picked her up and fallen to sleep with her in bed and that she was smothered by the quilt. It was awful. I'd wake us both up because I'd be half asleep, frantically patting his body down in search of our DD, convinced he had her and she'd got trapped under the quilt, when in reality she was sleeping soundly in the next to me crib on my side of the bed.

Multiple night feeds plus nightmares meant my sleep was very limited. Then his 5am alarm for work disturbed DD (not to mention his snoring etc) and after 3 months I persuaded DH to sleep in the spare room Mon- Friday. My nightmares stopped in the week at least, DD wasn't disturbed as much and started to sleep for longer periods which was amazing. Obviously DH never heard a thing and doesn't get disturbed at all in the night now. In my eyes, its a win win for everyone.

Oh god I realise how much I've rambled already.

Sex. Sex after a baby. Sex after traumatic birth. Sex after epesiotomy. Sex when breastfeeding. I really do not want to have sex. At all. Tell me I'm not alone here?!?!

Its not that its just him I don't want to have sex with, the most attractive man in the world could offer himself on a plate and I'd still rather just lay down on my own once DD is in bed. DH just does not get this though. We have tried once, I was petrified, it hurt and we stopped. He has had other activities performed twice since she was born but thats it. He says things like 'Its not fair making me live in a sexless relationship, what do you expect me to do?' Etc. I've told him I expect his support and maybe if he did more to help me so that by the time I've got DD to bed , I can actually relax rather than coming downstairs to tidy up, wash the pots, fold the washing etc. Its not like I'm deliberately withholding sex either, I have zero interest in it at all now, but he acts like I'm doing it (well, more like not doing it) as some sort of punishment to him?!

Which brings me to the help I get from him. Or lack thereof.

He is starting to spend more time with DD but only since we've had multiple arguments about the lack of time he spends with her. And yet despite him spending little time with her, he thinks its appropriate to make statements like "she always cries because she knows you'll go pick her up. You need to just let her cry" etc.

No thank you, and no offence to those that do; but I'm not comfortable letting her cry herself to sleep. I'll let her cry for 10 minutes sometimes before I go back in to comfort her, so it's not like I rush instantly to her. I've told him its hard enough being a new mother and worrying that you're doing a good job without your partner blaming you for any unfavourable or difficult behaviour your child may have.

Then its the house. I still pay exactly 50% of all household bills and food whilst on maternity leave, maybe if he supported me financially I'd feel more obliged to do more of the cleaning but he doesnt. In my eyes he goes to work every day (usually home for 2pm) and my job is looking after DD. I worked full time before DD, and worked a LOT longer hours too in a stressful job, so it's not like I dont know the difficulties of working.

I try to do some chores each day but sometimes it's just impossible. He does help sometimes but I usually have to nag first. There will be a pile of his washed dried and folded clothes in the utility ready for him to put away but rather than do that, they'll stay there and he'll just live out of the pile of clothes. I'll come down after getting DD to bed to find he's laid on the sofa watching Netflix, surrounded by toys, washing up still to be done, clean dry washing to be folded, or clothes to be put in the dryer etc. The washing doesn't bother me, but it infuriates me that I have to come downstairs and tidy the living room and wash the pots etc after he's spent his time just watching TV. Then he'll go to bed at 9pm since he's up at 5am. Why not tidy up whilst I get DD to bed and then we could watch TV together?

We barely speak. If he's watching Netflix when I come down and I try to talk to him, he'll huff and give me one word answers. Just pause it?? Its not live. Surely communicating with your partner should come first. And yet he wonders why I don't want him to come anywhere near me, when he cant even talk to me. Thats no exaggeration btw. I really do not want him touching me. I am so touched out from having DD all day that I don't want anyone else to come near me. I know that must be hard for him but I currently can't stand it.

Back to communication anyway. Despite us barely conversing, what he is quite vocal about though is the fact that he thinks he does plenty, more than his fair share and pulls his weight. I couldnt disagree anymore if I tried. He tells me if I don't like it, we should split up. I've told him that my life shouldn't be harder with him in it, and that if I were to become a single parent tomorrow, my life wouldn't change that much since I do 99% of everything anyway.

I could go on for days writing my thoughts. But basically it's crap. I think we both know it needs to end but neither one of us wants to be the person to do it. I worry about housing, where would I live? If we sold up, would I be able to get a house on my own that I could afford, could I even get a mortgage on maternity leave? When would he see her? How upset would it make me having to 'share her' and her go and sleep somewhere else one night a week etc when she's older. Would it be awful to split up for DD? Etc etc.

Apologies for dumping my early morning thoughts on here and expecting you all to get this far!

My experience of labour and breastfeeding sound similar to yours. I do all the feeds and dc won't take a bottle. In our case, dh was the one having nightmares and waking me up though!

Things we do:

I read the Lullaby guidance on bed sharing. I know it's not for everyone but it did make a huge difference to how rested I felt.

DH washes up and cleans the kitchen whilst I get dc to sleep. I don't have to ask him to do this. I would be infuriated if he just lay on the sofa expecting me to do it all.

DH is responsible for dc's bathtime. Whilst he's doing that, I cook dinner and sometimes a few minor chores. Our dc has a late bedtime and our routine is bath-dinner-bed. A bit unusual I know. We always try to have dinner together at the table as it's sometimes the only time we get to have a conversation, so I insist. Before the baby, we'd often eat with the TV on. We rarely do that now.

At weekends, we write a list of stuff that needs doing and divide them up. Tbh, I'm the one who notices the things that need doing around the house but he's happy to be told what to do.

I do think sex is very important. We tried having sex very soon after birth but I wasn't ready. We were probably having regular sex after three months but in limited positions that were less painful for me. After nine months it actually started feeling better than pre-birth but it did take time. I sometimes didn't feel in the mood, but made the effort to oblige with other things most of the time he initiated. We tended to have sex earlier in the day because I was too tired at night. Dc wasn't always asleep - sometimes would be playing in their cot in the other room.

My friend got divorced soon after having her baby because the guy was a useless man child with no desire to help. He spent most of the time out with his mates.

He tells me if I don't like it, we should split up.
Call his bluff.

He refuses counselling, I've suggested it previously but he says if you need counselling then it's just never going to work 🙄

That does make me feel better, thank you. I've tried explaining it to him, especially hormone changes due to breastfeeding etc and that it's not HIM that I don't want to have sex with, I've just got zero libido anymore. I've said that will probably change as DD gets weaned and breastfeeds less etc. But again, he doesnt see this as a valid explanation. He just says 'well when can we have it?'. If I had a crystal ball I'd be wanting to know more insightful things than that! I'd be asking it if you're ever going to step up and be a more involved parent/partner.

Agreed. He says this because he thinks he holds all the power and you wouldn't possibly leave him.

I'm sorry to hear this! But I'm so happy that things worked out in the long run for you and your family.

I have literally sat and cried saying I need more help and that its completely unfair to expect me to do almost everything.

Did you both own a house together when you left? We own a house 50/50 that neither of us could afford on our own, if I did end it I have nowhere to go in the short term as my family live hours away. Then there's the thought of selling up, buying my own etc all with a young baby 😭

Oh OP please read your updates back, you know your only option is to leave, he doesn't want to change even though he knows his actions hurt you 💐

He'll just find the examples of other women who had an epesiotomy and had sex as soon as they could 🙄

I've had a look at the maintenance calculator this morning, I think it would be doable it would just be very tight. I'd be paying for childcare when I went back to work, I doubt it would be fair to ask him for half of childcare costs plus maintenance as well! I think we would manage. But our support network (currently his family since mine live so far away) would probably disappear over night for me and DD 🙃

You need to tell him he either does half the chores and childcare or pays all the bills (and then you can save some money to leave).

I'd be leaving him. He sounds deeply unpleasant and selfish, and you deserve far better. You don’t want to model this relationship for your daughter. You've already tried talking to him, and he doesn't care. It's in his interests to ignore you because his life is easier that way, and your feelings are irrelevant. It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in your daughter either, so I doubt he'll be fighting for lots of custody. You'll still have her the vast majority of the time. Do you have family support nearby, and if not could you move? Does your job pay reasonably well?
I think you should have confidence that you can make it work alone. You seem like you've really got it all together apart from the horrible man you're sharing a house with. You hold down a stressful job and you seem like a great mother who is already parenting alone. You're articulate and you know you've had enough. I think you'll be fine, better than fine.

Do you wish you had divorced sooner then?

I'm not very loving towards him at the minute, in fact not at all. And that hurts him. I know it does. But its not deliberate and I suspect its not forever. But when I am exhausted and then constantly pissed off at his lack of help, how can I be all loving and caring? A few nights ago I fed DD and put her to bed. He was in the spare room as it was a weekday. I walked in and said she was finally asleep. He said I should come in for a cuddle. I said I wanted a cup of tea first and that I'd bring it up with me. He said no cuddle me I'm going to bed in 5 mins, then you can have your tea.

I replied with no, I've seen to DDs needs now I'm seeing to mine, not yours. Anyway I went downstairs with the intention of making a cup of tea and taking it upstairs and trying to make an effort to have a cuddle (even though I really did not want to). I got downstairs to see the pots unwashed, toys everywhere, crap all over the table etc etc. Its safe to say the cuddle didn't happen, I told him exactly what I thought of him and he came down and did the washing up.

So his plan was me put the baby to bed whilst he watches TV, me give him a cuddle, him go to bed, then for me to have a cup of tea and to tidy up whilst he is fast asleep? Ha. I know these are minor things to some people but when its constant its exhausting.

I've suggested counselling. He refuses

We definitely didn't have sex until about 5 months post partum and it was still very sore, would say we only had sex with any regularity when the children were over 1 y 3 mo. My husband was so nice about it though. I didn't have any tears at all and it was still sore. I had no libido with breastfeeding also.

No advice but I could have written this post myself. Although DH works away lots and I don't work so can't get my own home.

I've tried. Multiple times. In a moment of frustration I suggested a sticker chart to go on the bloody fridge 😂😂

He doesn't think I do everything. That's the issue. Yes he sometimes will wash up etc but usually because it means if he does that, he doesn't have to entertain DD. He had her for 45 mins on Sunday morning and came upstairs saying "shes a little shit. All she does is cry because she's used to just being picked up. I dont know what to do with her now.".

A slight dig at me there, even though I dont constantly pick her up.

He gets annoyed when shes crying for him and stops for me. Says its not fair but then makes little effort to learn his own way of soothing her.

This is another worry I have. Would I want her with him on her own if we split up? Would he cope? Would she? Would she be upset all day?

He's an arse.

Your baby is breastfed. He can't take her, although you would have to let him see her.

OP, in the kindest possible way, he doesn't love you or respect you the way you want him to. He won't change and he will just make your life harder once your life expands beyond newborn phrase when you have more things to juggle after going back to work etc. Can't believe he is asking you to accept who he is, a lazy crap partner and dad, or demand you walk way! Show him you can and you will. Good luck, I am sure you will be more than capable and happy without having him in your line dragging you down.

I'm not sure how I could go about that though in the short term. My family live hours away and we have a joint mortgage on the house. I'm not sure it would have the same effect if I said okay I'm done but then we still lived in the same house 😂

It’s not going to get any better, is it? Bin him
off! You’ll be an even better mum on your own without that great big lummox to contend with xx

Single parenthood is actually quite lovely OP. My toddler's father left when he was 8 months (he continued to see him and pay) and actually I loved the freedom and having my home once again a place of calm and love.

Unfortunately no family support nearby. Mother lives 4 hours away and the rest of my family live 2 hours away. I wouldnt really want to move to either of those places though as I've lived my entire life where I am now and I also wouldn't want to take DD that far from her Dad, regardless of how useless I think he is. I dont want to be that person

His family live on the doorstep but I cant imagine them giving me much/any support if we did split up.

Yes my job pays well. I made sure I had a decent career before having a baby as I didnt want to ever be dependent on a man for money like my mum was. I watched her stay with my stepdad until my brother was 12 even though she was deeply unhappy, but scared to leave because she thought she wouldn't be able to afford to live on her own.

I would be better off going back 2 days a week and getting some UC than working full time and paying for full time childcare, which is probably what I'd have to do.

We own our house together currently and neither of us could afford it alone. The stress of selling, buying one alone, early repayment charges on the mortgage etc is what worries me a lot

I'm not sure how I could go about that though in the short term.

You tell him it's over.

Then you start separation / divorce proceedings. As part of that, a decision regarding residency will be made, whether the house will be sold etc.

It's tough, for sure. But possibly easier than waiting till you return to work & having to juggle everything. This way you will have things sorted in advance of going back to work. 💐

trust me when I say - He wont change . You can plead and beg and put your case forward as many rational times as you like but he wont change. If you are waiting for him to have an epiphany and realise what a shit he has been then its not coming.

Well not until you leave and he suddenly realises how much you actually did. But then it will still be your fault somehow.

Can I hazard a guess that he moved straight in with you from his mummy?

than working full time and paying for full time childcare

No, you negotiate a significant contribution from him to cover part of the childcare for a baby.

That should be your aim anyway - he won't be having anything like 50:50 as DD is a baby

As a single parent who's career was (for a bit) impacted by my marriage breakdown, I would strongly encourage you to prioritise & safeguard your career & income. I had 3 DC so it was much harder but I ended up with scrappy p/t work for a few years & although I got back to the same level in the end, it was v v hard.

Stop doing ANYTHING for him. He clearly does nothing for you! Most fathers in this position at least pay all/the majority of the bills!

Once he starts to realise what you do do and what he is now missing out on start 'trading' jobs. I'll cook dinner if you wash up.... I'll put the baby to bed if you clear the lounge... everything you do a chore, only do his element if he is also doing a chore.

Currently he is acting like a child and you his mother. You feed him, you clean up after him, you do his laundry.... sounds rather similar to what you do for dd... no wonder you don't want to have sex!

I agree with the poster who says he has 'checked out'.

I don't agree with the poster who said this is 'unconsious incompetence'.

You have had a major, traumatic it sounds like life event and in breastfeeding your child you are doing amazingly well.

The finances are important.

I'm afraid by the sounds of it, this is only going to get worse. He is clearly not helping you at all with a big job. Food is very important for you right now, so even if he made sure he bulk cooked and asked you what you liked that would be something. But he is not doing that even!

You are feeding another human being!

Don't make the mistake of thinking he will get used to it and man up. My guess is he won't.

Please start putting all your ducks in a row for leaving. Or he leaves. You don't want to carry on with this situation for many more years.

I understand the thinking behind this but men like the OP's partner don't think like that.

It will just become more 'proof' to him as to how useless she is and how hard done by he is.