Hi everyone,
I'm wondering if anyone can share their experiences of their relationship in the early days of having a child.
I'm going to vent below just because I need to. It may become an inconherent mess by the end as I ramble on at 5am but we shall see.
Firstly, DD was planned, and she is the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me. I adore her. I've exclusively breastfed from the start, but there were the occasional times when my partner would give her a bottle of expressed breast milk. However she refuses to take it now. Fine by me, but it just means I'm the only one who can do the feeds, and therefore I'm the one who feeds her and gets her to sleep every single night which can take over an hour at times (after having her bath etc). (You'll get the point of me saying this later on).
DH (engaged, not actually married but I dont want to keep writing partner so DH it is) was okay when I was pregnant but not as supportive as I had imagined or wanted. There were some real low point though of him being a real arse. I assumed this would change when our DD was born and he had something tangible to see etc.
My labour and her birth were very traumatic, resulting in a forceps birth in theatre, with an episiotomy and a tear, which later got infected too. Yay.
At first things were 'fine'. Minus the sleep deprivation on my end. DH rarely woke up when DD cried in the night. What did disturb his sleep though were my nightmares. I'd dream that he had picked her up and fallen to sleep with her in bed and that she was smothered by the quilt. It was awful. I'd wake us both up because I'd be half asleep, frantically patting his body down in search of our DD, convinced he had her and she'd got trapped under the quilt, when in reality she was sleeping soundly in the next to me crib on my side of the bed.
Multiple night feeds plus nightmares meant my sleep was very limited. Then his 5am alarm for work disturbed DD (not to mention his snoring etc) and after 3 months I persuaded DH to sleep in the spare room Mon- Friday. My nightmares stopped in the week at least, DD wasn't disturbed as much and started to sleep for longer periods which was amazing. Obviously DH never heard a thing and doesn't get disturbed at all in the night now. In my eyes, its a win win for everyone.
Oh god I realise how much I've rambled already.
Sex. Sex after a baby. Sex after traumatic birth. Sex after epesiotomy. Sex when breastfeeding. I really do not want to have sex. At all. Tell me I'm not alone here?!?!
Its not that its just him I don't want to have sex with, the most attractive man in the world could offer himself on a plate and I'd still rather just lay down on my own once DD is in bed. DH just does not get this though. We have tried once, I was petrified, it hurt and we stopped. He has had other activities performed twice since she was born but thats it. He says things like 'Its not fair making me live in a sexless relationship, what do you expect me to do?' Etc. I've told him I expect his support and maybe if he did more to help me so that by the time I've got DD to bed , I can actually relax rather than coming downstairs to tidy up, wash the pots, fold the washing etc. Its not like I'm deliberately withholding sex either, I have zero interest in it at all now, but he acts like I'm doing it (well, more like not doing it) as some sort of punishment to him?!
Which brings me to the help I get from him. Or lack thereof.
He is starting to spend more time with DD but only since we've had multiple arguments about the lack of time he spends with her. And yet despite him spending little time with her, he thinks its appropriate to make statements like "she always cries because she knows you'll go pick her up. You need to just let her cry" etc.
No thank you, and no offence to those that do; but I'm not comfortable letting her cry herself to sleep. I'll let her cry for 10 minutes sometimes before I go back in to comfort her, so it's not like I rush instantly to her. I've told him its hard enough being a new mother and worrying that you're doing a good job without your partner blaming you for any unfavourable or difficult behaviour your child may have.
Then its the house. I still pay exactly 50% of all household bills and food whilst on maternity leave, maybe if he supported me financially I'd feel more obliged to do more of the cleaning but he doesnt. In my eyes he goes to work every day (usually home for 2pm) and my job is looking after DD. I worked full time before DD, and worked a LOT longer hours too in a stressful job, so it's not like I dont know the difficulties of working.
I try to do some chores each day but sometimes it's just impossible. He does help sometimes but I usually have to nag first. There will be a pile of his washed dried and folded clothes in the utility ready for him to put away but rather than do that, they'll stay there and he'll just live out of the pile of clothes. I'll come down after getting DD to bed to find he's laid on the sofa watching Netflix, surrounded by toys, washing up still to be done, clean dry washing to be folded, or clothes to be put in the dryer etc. The washing doesn't bother me, but it infuriates me that I have to come downstairs and tidy the living room and wash the pots etc after he's spent his time just watching TV. Then he'll go to bed at 9pm since he's up at 5am. Why not tidy up whilst I get DD to bed and then we could watch TV together?
We barely speak. If he's watching Netflix when I come down and I try to talk to him, he'll huff and give me one word answers. Just pause it?? Its not live. Surely communicating with your partner should come first. And yet he wonders why I don't want him to come anywhere near me, when he cant even talk to me. Thats no exaggeration btw. I really do not want him touching me. I am so touched out from having DD all day that I don't want anyone else to come near me. I know that must be hard for him but I currently can't stand it.
Back to communication anyway. Despite us barely conversing, what he is quite vocal about though is the fact that he thinks he does plenty, more than his fair share and pulls his weight. I couldnt disagree anymore if I tried. He tells me if I don't like it, we should split up. I've told him that my life shouldn't be harder with him in it, and that if I were to become a single parent tomorrow, my life wouldn't change that much since I do 99% of everything anyway.
I could go on for days writing my thoughts. But basically it's crap. I think we both know it needs to end but neither one of us wants to be the person to do it. I worry about housing, where would I live? If we sold up, would I be able to get a house on my own that I could afford, could I even get a mortgage on maternity leave? When would he see her? How upset would it make me having to 'share her' and her go and sleep somewhere else one night a week etc when she's older. Would it be awful to split up for DD? Etc etc.
Apologies for dumping my early morning thoughts on here and expecting you all to get this far!