Relationship on verge of collapse - with 5 month old baby

[DaisyDuck321]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can share their experiences of their relationship in the early days of having a child.

I'm going to vent below just because I need to. It may become an inconherent mess by the end as I ramble on at 5am but we shall see.

Firstly, DD was planned, and she is the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me. I adore her. I've exclusively breastfed from the start, but there were the occasional times when my partner would give her a bottle of expressed breast milk. However she refuses to take it now. Fine by me, but it just means I'm the only one who can do the feeds, and therefore I'm the one who feeds her and gets her to sleep every single night which can take over an hour at times (after having her bath etc). (You'll get the point of me saying this later on).

DH (engaged, not actually married but I dont want to keep writing partner so DH it is) was okay when I was pregnant but not as supportive as I had imagined or wanted. There were some real low point though of him being a real arse. I assumed this would change when our DD was born and he had something tangible to see etc.

My labour and her birth were very traumatic, resulting in a forceps birth in theatre, with an episiotomy and a tear, which later got infected too. Yay.

At first things were 'fine'. Minus the sleep deprivation on my end. DH rarely woke up when DD cried in the night. What did disturb his sleep though were my nightmares. I'd dream that he had picked her up and fallen to sleep with her in bed and that she was smothered by the quilt. It was awful. I'd wake us both up because I'd be half asleep, frantically patting his body down in search of our DD, convinced he had her and she'd got trapped under the quilt, when in reality she was sleeping soundly in the next to me crib on my side of the bed.

Multiple night feeds plus nightmares meant my sleep was very limited. Then his 5am alarm for work disturbed DD (not to mention his snoring etc) and after 3 months I persuaded DH to sleep in the spare room Mon- Friday. My nightmares stopped in the week at least, DD wasn't disturbed as much and started to sleep for longer periods which was amazing. Obviously DH never heard a thing and doesn't get disturbed at all in the night now. In my eyes, its a win win for everyone.

Oh god I realise how much I've rambled already.

Sex. Sex after a baby. Sex after traumatic birth. Sex after epesiotomy. Sex when breastfeeding. I really do not want to have sex. At all. Tell me I'm not alone here?!?!

Its not that its just him I don't want to have sex with, the most attractive man in the world could offer himself on a plate and I'd still rather just lay down on my own once DD is in bed. DH just does not get this though. We have tried once, I was petrified, it hurt and we stopped. He has had other activities performed twice since she was born but thats it. He says things like 'Its not fair making me live in a sexless relationship, what do you expect me to do?' Etc. I've told him I expect his support and maybe if he did more to help me so that by the time I've got DD to bed , I can actually relax rather than coming downstairs to tidy up, wash the pots, fold the washing etc. Its not like I'm deliberately withholding sex either, I have zero interest in it at all now, but he acts like I'm doing it (well, more like not doing it) as some sort of punishment to him?!

Which brings me to the help I get from him. Or lack thereof.

He is starting to spend more time with DD but only since we've had multiple arguments about the lack of time he spends with her. And yet despite him spending little time with her, he thinks its appropriate to make statements like "she always cries because she knows you'll go pick her up. You need to just let her cry" etc.

No thank you, and no offence to those that do; but I'm not comfortable letting her cry herself to sleep. I'll let her cry for 10 minutes sometimes before I go back in to comfort her, so it's not like I rush instantly to her. I've told him its hard enough being a new mother and worrying that you're doing a good job without your partner blaming you for any unfavourable or difficult behaviour your child may have.

Then its the house. I still pay exactly 50% of all household bills and food whilst on maternity leave, maybe if he supported me financially I'd feel more obliged to do more of the cleaning but he doesnt. In my eyes he goes to work every day (usually home for 2pm) and my job is looking after DD. I worked full time before DD, and worked a LOT longer hours too in a stressful job, so it's not like I dont know the difficulties of working.

I try to do some chores each day but sometimes it's just impossible. He does help sometimes but I usually have to nag first. There will be a pile of his washed dried and folded clothes in the utility ready for him to put away but rather than do that, they'll stay there and he'll just live out of the pile of clothes. I'll come down after getting DD to bed to find he's laid on the sofa watching Netflix, surrounded by toys, washing up still to be done, clean dry washing to be folded, or clothes to be put in the dryer etc. The washing doesn't bother me, but it infuriates me that I have to come downstairs and tidy the living room and wash the pots etc after he's spent his time just watching TV. Then he'll go to bed at 9pm since he's up at 5am. Why not tidy up whilst I get DD to bed and then we could watch TV together?

We barely speak. If he's watching Netflix when I come down and I try to talk to him, he'll huff and give me one word answers. Just pause it?? Its not live. Surely communicating with your partner should come first. And yet he wonders why I don't want him to come anywhere near me, when he cant even talk to me. Thats no exaggeration btw. I really do not want him touching me. I am so touched out from having DD all day that I don't want anyone else to come near me. I know that must be hard for him but I currently can't stand it.

Back to communication anyway. Despite us barely conversing, what he is quite vocal about though is the fact that he thinks he does plenty, more than his fair share and pulls his weight. I couldnt disagree anymore if I tried. He tells me if I don't like it, we should split up. I've told him that my life shouldn't be harder with him in it, and that if I were to become a single parent tomorrow, my life wouldn't change that much since I do 99% of everything anyway.

I could go on for days writing my thoughts. But basically it's crap. I think we both know it needs to end but neither one of us wants to be the person to do it. I worry about housing, where would I live? If we sold up, would I be able to get a house on my own that I could afford, could I even get a mortgage on maternity leave? When would he see her? How upset would it make me having to 'share her' and her go and sleep somewhere else one night a week etc when she's older. Would it be awful to split up for DD? Etc etc.

Apologies for dumping my early morning thoughts on here and expecting you all to get this far!

This. I think my exhusband was trying very hard to be a different person before we had children. I don't think I knew the real him at all. We had children . We have 2 ,seventeen months apart. He checked out. In the end he left me . He said to me "I need to do what I want,when I want and I can't do that with children . So I'm afraid I am leaving". There was a teenager waiting in the wings to provide him with the fun and sex I was no longer providing . Looking back there were signs but I ignored them. They were 3 and 2 when he left. I managed on my own and you can too Op. Living with a man who can't see mess is very draining. My husband's thing wasn't that, his was motorbikes, mountain bikes, any crap that was entirely pointless to a family with 2 tiny children. He spent all weekend cycling or fiddling with the motorbike and then going out to test it
( shag a 17 year old). Try talking again about sharing chores, going for counselling. But at the same time, check out every financial option open to you. Ask other local parents about childminders/ nurseries. See a solicitor about the house. Choices give you power. You don't have to put ip with this situation.

Ugh, your recent update when he called your/his daughter a little shit ☹️
Awful. He's just awful OP.

Apart from everything else, how did it come about that you are still paying 50% when on Maternity pay? Was there a conversation about it? Were you earning substantially more than him before and still going 50-50 - and will go back to that later? That's the only way I could understand how it's been left to continue for now.

Otherwise, not only is he a lazy, uncaring, sex pest partner with little patience for his baby, he's also mean and penny pinching.

Would love to see his face if you actually do leave him! He's calling your bluff, he'd shit himself! He has everything to loose. Whereas, apart from your current living circumstances, your life would be much so much easier without him.

Oh OP. You really do deserve better. Over time I came to the realisation that he couldn't possibly love me if he could watch me struggling that much and choose not to step up. And honestly, being a single parent is much, much easier than dealing with a manchild and the resentment that comes with it. Leaving him was such a relief.

Financially we were renting, but I did have to move anyway because once the landlords found out we were splitting up they evicted me. However I had a part time job and I found a little flat for me and DD, and things were fine. DD got funded nursery hours when she turned 2 because I wasn't earning much, and although I wasn't well off by any means, we managed just fine.

Honestly, I look back at when it was just me and DD and it was such a peaceful, happy time. I have a feeling that you would thrive too if you didn't have to keep swimming against the tide with your DP. You shouldn't have to cry and beg him to help you. He should just do it because he's a functioning adult who sees you as an equal. The fact that he isn't doing that says a lot I'm afraid.

lose

LOOK for ways to help me

It used to drive me absolutely bonkers when my DH talked about helping me. I’d say no, it is not helping me, it’s doing your damn share of the work around the house!

When DC were little I used to think about divorce all the time. His schedule barely changed. Like yours OP, mine came home from work and would watch tv. On the weekends, he’d say he needed his ‘me time’ 🤮 There were frequent arguments and I shed a lot of tears.

Twenty years later we are happy and still together. What helped?

Gradually he improved and gradually understood my POV. We’d argue, but after a bit he’d reflect and apologise. He was better with DC, more present and involved, when they got older. It also hugely helped when he stayed home to look after sick child and I went to work. Actually it was interesting to realise that after being at work all day, I didn’t want/expect to then cook dinner either. So I understood some of his POV as well as the other way around.

He said it took becoming a father to grow up. However, he never pestered me for sex. He never criticised my parenting.

OP, I think Rainbow has nailed it.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Honestly, the more you say, the worse it sounds. I've been there with a man who refuses to put effort into the relationship- in fact currently splitting up with him. As another poster said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I can't believe he called your baby "a little shit". That's absolutely horrible. Maybe he would say he was joking but I just think that's an awful way to speak about a little baby.

It's unfortunate about your family living far away. However, you can't stay in this unhappy situation because of that. You deserve better and your daughter does too. His family may surprise you- hopefully they will prioritise their grandchild and not be bitter.

He sounds exactly like my ex when ds was born. We split up when he was 3, he has ds on weekends when I work. So it's usually a 60/40 split depending on if he's working away or not. He got another mortgage I'm renting and have savings from the house sale.

I go to his house some times to see the cats or for birthdays Christmas etc and omg the state of the place is unbelievable he says to me now 'I did clean up yesterday' but you know what I don't give a shit! It isn't my house so he can live how he likes I just say to my son that he needs to tidy up his things and room (he's 6 now). It makes me so happy to come home.

You know where you live and who with is a choice, if you don't want to live with him you don't need to. Childcare, money, bills can be sorted you won't be left homeless, maybe you won't have as much money but who really gives a fuck if you're constantly this stressed and anxious about another adults choices and actions.

I manage perfectly and I have a low paid part time job when I left I got a second zero hours job to get approved for the rent. My relationship with my son is amazing and I feel happy. My relationship with ex is very good and we get on better than we did after ds born. He has another partner and so do I and I feel like we've both finally got to a happy point in life and we're early 30's so plenty more life left to live!

Best of luck to you going forwards. Maternity leave is a tricky period for most families so perhaps you will both change to meet in the middle once you're back at work, you might care less about household stuff, less people in the house during the day to make the mess, the dishes etc. It depends how unhappy you are and if you're willing to wait it out. Personally I think life is too short to spend years of it unhappy especially when we have small children, I want to be a happy mother!

You have two kids, OP. Fortunately, one of them is expendable.

Just to add, and not to rub your face in it but to show you what a decent partner behaves like:

DH comes home from work and straight away asks me 'what do you need me to do?'. He pitches straight in with tidying, feeding the baby, cooking, taking DD to her clubs, whatever needs doing. He just sees it as equally his responsibility. He bathes puts the baby to bed every night and at the weekend he gets up with him too and lets me sleep in. He never pressures me for sex, and if I ever say I'm tired and could do with catching up on some sleep, he happily sleeps on the sofa with the baby monitor so I can rest undisturbed. I had covid recently and he insisted on doing about 3 or 4 nights in a row until I was feeling better.

This is why I don't think you should settle for the way your DP is behaving. Because I know how shit that is to live with, and now I also know how decent men behave.

Best of luck OP. I know everything probably feels really overwhelming at the moment, but you're stronger than you think.

I mean... it sounds within the range of normally shit, and possible to salvage it if you can be arsed. Tbh many of us had a period where we loathed our deeply imperfect partners. It could get better.

But the fact that this deeply crap situation is within the range of normal does say exactly how shit a lot of dads are at this stage. I certainly don't think you should have to put up with any of it. Just saying you can if you think it might be worth it in the end. Not sure why it would be. If it was fantastic before, I guess it might be.

He has checked out, and so, by the sounds of it, have you. And who can blame you...
Leave. This is not going to get better, and I think you know this.
As a first step, stop paying 50% of the bills while you are on maternity leave. Instead start saving for a deposit and first few months'rent and living costs.

Having kids is hard, but it gets easier. You both owe it to your daughter, and to yourselves and each other, to put everything into making the relationship work.

Men are basically a spare part for at least the first 6 to 12 months with a newborn. Maybe part of the reason he's distant is that he feels left out? It's natural for a mother to take on 95% of the baby duties, and that relegates father's to a support role. That's the reality of parenthood with new borns, but the balance should rapidly start to swing the other way from toddler age onwards.

He should certainly be doing more to help, no reason at all why he can't do bath time and then you settle your daughter to sleep after. That way he gets some quality, close time with your daughter around bed time. And over time it'll make it easier for him to sometimes do the whole of bedtime on occasions when you're not around, as your dd will be more used to his involvement.

The nightmares are concerning, it suggests you don't trust your partner with the baby.

I actually can't see how your life will be anything except better without him op.

He is purposefully spoiling this precious time with your dd.

If you split and keep breastfeeding, he won't be able to have her for long periods anyway. Sadly I'm not sure he will be bother to.

Very normal to have no sex drive. BF lowers it and being tired is a massive turn off.

My dh waited a year to 18 months after each child for my sex drive to return. He also helps during the night even though all three of mine were BF. He was a fully paid up member of Team Parent and we have been through more challenges than most.

You sound gorgeous and way to good for your partner.

Also, as many men are good Dads as women are good Mums.

This is an example of one bad man and one good woman.

OP doesn't have to try and make it work. He isn't a good Dad or supportive partner. It is not her job to make him into a decent human being.

Altmember I strongly disagree. My DH has been a fully equal partner and parent to my baby DS since the day he was born. At times (like when I was recovering from a fairly rough emergency c-section) he has done far more than me.

Men are only spare parts when their DC are little when they want to be and when there are women around willing to enable their deliberate incompetence.

"I watched her stay with my stepdad until my brother was 12 even though she was deeply unhappy, but scared to leave because she thought she wouldn't be able to afford to live on her own."

You do see the irony here ?

I completely 100% understand as this was my life.
Obviously it improves somewhat when baby sleeps through & eats solids.
But there is no way you want to be forced into sex when you are knee dropping knackered.
He hasn't got the intelligence to understand that if he took the initiative to lighten the load that you would be less exhausted & more relieved/grateful for his input, & this possibly feel like you wanted to love him.
Its a stand off, because he is lazy & selfish.
Maybe the saying that you are ending the relationship, might just, hit home ? (don't hold your breath)

re the house, you will have to cohabit until the house is sold.

oh OP @DaisyDuck321 you sound like an amazing mum! I was going to say that perhaps try and tell him but then I saw -> When I say I need more support he says he does his fair share and if I don't like it, I should leave. and I was like dude, you know what you are right!

I had this situation with my DH, but he is (not very useful) at least loving caring and somewhat trainable. So he slowly learned and never in a million years would he be disrespectful to me or rude.

The sex thing I get, I have 2 kids now in a very short time (cue he was unable to wait as well and there he had it, two under 2!) and I still now do not feel the same as I did before. So exactly as you said - if he does all (and I mean it, all) house work and makes massive effort so I can just chill in the evening and go to bed somewhat rested, then OK. Otherwise forget it, I am way too tired (and resentful that it's all on me!).

I think you just do your calculation and just be done with him, he will not get better and honestly your DD and you can do better. Sending love and hugs, you are doing great!

I'm so sorry OP- this is an example of a guy who liked the idea of a baby/family in theory - but in reality he's really not into it because it requires him to do 'more ' and disturb his own routines. It's very very common I'm afraid- there are some men out there who are amazing with babies and young children but far fewer than you might think. There are an awful lot of women in the same position as yourself thinking WTF when the bloke had seemed so keen and then they realise they are still expected to do it all, still expected to want a fair bit of sex and often still expected to be fully contributing financially. I think the fact he can't even see that he is contributing so little is a huge red flag, along with saying things like if you don't like it 'leave ' - I think he has checked out mentally as realises it isn't what he wants. I would be getting your ducks in a row on the quiet, make sure you know what he earns or any assets. Don't worry about mortgages and stuff at the moment- once you are back at work then I would suggest sorting out childcare, as you say it often makes more financial sense to work part time at this stage and look at renting- if you don't earn that much you may get UC as well as maintenance for the little one. If you have a fair bit of equity though you won't get UC, just bear that in mind. I don't think this is going to improve because you have given him every chance to do so. Can I also say I'm not keen on men who say things like 'when am I going to get a bit' - it's implying you owe him this- you owe him bugger all behaving the way he has- good luck lovely, you will be totally fine!!!!

If he's not willing to change (you leave if you don't like it comment), and he's not prepared to go to couples councilling then you either have to accept that 'this is him' or you leave.

I could have written this word for word. I left before my baby was one. People say it must be hard being a single parent but I can't agree - hard was looking after a baby plus a cold, lazy, abusive, manipulative manchild.

I completely accept that men can never fully understand the realities of new motherhood, your changing physical and hormonal state, the exhaustion and how it's a completely different experience to fatherhood. But I realised that a good man wouldn't need to actually understand - they'd just respect that our feelings are real and valid and do their best to help. Mine never wanted to understand, it was easier to tell me that my feelings were wrong, unwarranted or plain delusional because he didn't actually want to change anything about his life.

When they become more of a hinderance than a help then it's time for them to go. I made this clear within about 2 months of my daughters birth when my DP started turning slightly into lazy twat mode.

My advice would be to play him at his own game. Stick to your guns. If he doesn't help then kick him out. If he would rather leave his family than do some washing up/bathing the baby then he's not worthy of you anyway.

Next time he says "if you don't like it then that's it", then I would say "well I don't like it, so off you fuck then".

Will obviously go one of two ways.

Hey OP.

I could have nearly wrote your post. I'm currently on maternity leave, baby is 6 months old. I despise my partner, he does nothing without been told, he needs constant supervision with the baby or he gives him bottles which are old, leaves him unattended on the sofa, basically just stupid stuff that could be detrimental to the baby.

He contributes 50% of the household bills BUT this is only a recent thing, he was previously contributing a mere 25% and thought this was acceptable. Whole different story.

I've spent tonight venting to my mum about how I feel like I have two children, how I feel like I'm always nagging and how I feel like the moment he walks through the front door after work all the happiness drains from me.

We still haven't had sex since the birth and I have absolutely no desire to.

And I don't know what to do, I keep trying and I keep telling myself things will get better, but they just get worse.

I feel for you, I wish things were different. Xx

Sorry, OP, but in my experience he won't change... I had 2 DC close in age, and I spent my entire second pregnancy a simmering pot of rage as it became blatantly clear how useless he was and how little interest he had in supporting our family and me. I had the financial burden, managed the house and all household duties, the children, and all life and family admin.

We've since divorced, and I still have all that responsibility, but it is so much easier navigating it all without also having to look at and look after him too. It's the resentment that destroys everything. And the constant letdowns, waiting for him to change, to do better. And hating myself for turning into that angry nagging person because he refuses to participate in and contribute to family life in any meaningful way. Oh, and to add insult to injury, he also had 2 long-term affairs. Quite an eventful 5 year marriage...

Funnily enough we get on great now, and it was a very amicable divorce. Once I no longer needed or expected anything of him, and he could no longer let me down, it lifted a massive weight from me and I was happy to just end things and move the fuck on. I really have been thriving since, he absolutely held me back. As for how he is doing, now that's another story.

I'm currently on maternity leave, baby is 6 months old. I despise my partner, he does nothing without been told... He contributes 50% of the household bills BUT this is only a recent thing, he was previously contributing a mere 25%...I've spent tonight venting to my mum about how I feel like I have two children...

You are on maternity leave and are still contributing 50%??!!!!!!

Stop venting and start acting!!

You KNOW he'll never change, so the sooner you get rid of him the better.

Theres not much you can do OP

You're not being treated fairly - you're still paying for half the mortgage so contributing financially, you're doing all the childcare, but doing all his share of stuff at home as well. It's not he should he 'helping' you, he should be doing his share

You've spoken to him and explained how you feel and asked to do counselling. He is refusing to make any effort whatsoever to improve the relationship and is still pressuring you for sex after you've explained why you can't.

I think his responses of what's the point of counselling and 'if you don't like it then leave' are very telling that he doesn't believe he should do more and he will never change.

So I think you've got no choice but make plans to leave.