Narcissistic ex getting married...why am I upset?

[cillahack]

I know the word "narcissist " is thrown around a lot but he had a lot of narcissistic traits.
When I say he treated me awful,I mean it was bad.
He was cruel /gaslighted me,made me feel like I was to blame for it all.
Spoke to other women/slept with them/made me jealous ,spoke to me awful.
Made me feel like I wasn't worth anything /not good enough ...when at the beginning he told me he couldn't believe his luck.

He "discarded" me cruelly in September 2020.
It was a awful time,my mum just died and he didn't give a damn.
Fast forward 2 months he met someone and within 4 months she was living with him.
5 months later he proposed and 6 months later they are getting married (today )
It's his wedding day today.
I know this because I have his best friend on my Snapchat.
After everything I'm gutted
I don't understand how he has changed from that cruel person to this.
I wish it was me still
I know that's pathetic but I don't know what I did wrong.

I feel sorry for the new wife. Think of it that way. Pity them. He hasn't changed

Also you didn't do anything wrong. He's not going to change and treat this new wife better.

It's like a flick switched and he is now a nice committed man.
How he dropped all the other stuff -I don't know.

I don't know if anyone has any words of wisdom...as I'm back to feeling a bit worthless tonight
How can he treat people so crap and be so nasty ..yet get a happy ever after

It’s all a show. A facade. Would you have had anything to do with him in the first place if he didn’t seem charming, personable , happy? Then you saw the real him. As will this wife.

I think you are grieving the life you should have had, the man he should have been.

So 18 months into a relationship they are married? That's not long enough been there done that got the divorce

Yeah they've been together 18 months.
He proposed to her after 9 months
It's like he is a totally different person

I felt the same when mine got married a couple of weeks ago ! They have been together longer than yours and I feel like he must have completely changed.
Same situation cheated on me throughout relationship messaged other women and then just discarded me one day. Moved the woman in about a month later. So she had been waiting in the wings to take over my house and my life basically. I had had a recent bereavement too. I think they get bored with grief etc because all the emphasis isn't on them !
I don't really know what to tell you or how to feel better. My life is 100% better without him now but even I felt why did he marry her what was wrong with me ?
He even started messaging me again after they got engaged 🙄 so in my head I know he hasn't changed but then I think what if he has 🤷🏻‍♀️ it's a complete head fuck isn't it

But he’s not a different person at all.

You’re grieving the life you thought you had and thought you’d go on to have. It’s probably all mixed up with losing your mum.

Did you want to marry him and he refused so that’s the salt in the wound?

Sorry to hear you are feeling down tonight OP, my ex also had very narcissistic traits, he disregarded me so coldy when I told him I was pregnant and moved on very quickly they married two months ago despite me trying to warn her and like you I felt gutted that I’d been left holding the baby whilst he sailed off into the sunset.
Feel pity for her that she is married to someone as cold and nasty as him, narcissists don’t feel love and empathy like we do and move on the next supply very quickly. I really recommend the Freedom programme and maybe have some counselling if it might help. Let yourself feel sad and practise some self care tonight. The mask always slips off and the new committed man is all an act.

How long were you together? After 18 months your barely out of the honeymoon phase

Either way you had a lucky escape it doesn't feel like it and quite frankly when my ex remarries I will struggle too (we have kids together they will find him hard to deal with also) it's all so predictable with my ex romance love bomb move in take over finances control finances control the narrative etc etc

He won’t have. It’s a facade.

my ex love bombed me and his ex wife warned me - I didn’t believe her she was jealous.

he didn’t manage to keep up the facade for very long it was truly awful,

My god you wonderful person - you escaped you are free- fly high

It was honestly such a rollercoaster.
Mixed with so many highs and lows.
Glimpses of what it could be like but he was so manipulative.
He got off on hurting me.
I miss the him when we were having fun.
It's just like he has totally rushed into it.

Does this sound narcissistic to you?
Making me feel like I had done something wrong and I was at fault
Making me jealous then when I reacted told me I was behaving "crazy"
Talked constantly how attractive he was,and how women were falling at his feet
Telling me about all of the "competition "
Then saying I was narcissistic
Everything at the end I told him he was -he flipped it and accused me off.

But this it exactly why her marrying her so quickly! Because once their married she's stuck!

People DO NOT change. He's kept up this charade for this long and I bet any money it's not as perfect as anyone is making out! It's also about to get a whole lot worse!

Please remind yourself of the bad things to keep you strong.

There's a meme I see a lot on socials which says something like 'there's someone out there meeting my ex, thinking they've found something special!

She has more money than him too.
He was struggling to pay all his bills etc when we were together-now shes moved in and I bet that's a help.

Absolutely the money is a draw my ex refused to allow me or ex wife 1 to work but wouldn't work himself it was a nightmare I tried to get a job for a couple of hours a week he said fine he would quit his 40 hour a week job to look after the kids so I could support the family on five hours a week makes zero sense doesn't it? But that was the sort of thing he did now he works cash in hand jobs occasionally legit jobs she works and I think she is better at not being controlled maybe she is just a better fit for him im just glad I'm out and wish my kids were out too

He sounds exactly the same as mine he wanted to buy a house and got declined for a mortgage she is from a rich family! It’s about what they can gain from their new supply and the behaviour you have listed is classic narcissistic traits. It sounds like you started to recognise who he really was whilst you were together and he didn’t like it, hence moving on to his next victim.

The thing is he hasn't changed. He's just hiding it. Until it's too late.

Feel sorry for her. You escaped. She wasn't so lucky.

I know the draw of a narcissist. And how bewildering it is when you leave. Perhaps get some counselling to help unpick things.

I did when I left my narc. It was such an eye opener to see how destructive it all was. Pretty much coercive control.

But mostly for my narc he just had zero and I mean absolutely zero empathy. He turned everything around to him.

I was a victim of abuse when I was younger. Amazingly he turned this around to how much it affected him. And how hard he found it. I had to comfort him...

But you know this. You know he was no good for you. He still is no good for you. He cannot change.

Remember how shit he treated you. And give yourself a hug for escaping.

You are free

His parents gave him his house deposit and £10,000 to do it up.
He was selling his old bike for £5 on Facebook marketplace 2 years ago ...now he is jetting off on 3 holidays a year.
Getting married in a fancy estate -he didn't have a pot to piss in (pardon my language )
He only works in a contact centre and can't afford that.
He had no savings

I remember around the time Caroline flack passed away he was posting all the "be kind" quotes -along with people think talking about their problems is a bad thing.
I'm always here

I messaged him after my mum died and he said "phone someone else"

He sounds abusive but not necessarily narcissistic. I'd block all of his friends on social media, it sounds like you haven't had the closure you need to properly move on- perhaps this will be it. Chances are he hasn't changed at all, I suspect he appeared loving and whatever else to others when he was with you, if by some miracle he has changed then you're still better off without him as he treated you like crap. I think after a break up its normal to look back a bit rose tinted and for it to feel strange when they move on, but you can do miles better than him.

I mean this kindly and respectfully, but it's not your business and not worth spending any time pondering.

She has the upper hand right now and knows it which is why she’s taking a chance on him. He’ll be toeing the line. But mark my words - it’s not going to last and she’ll have him out of her life as soon as she sees he’s not worth the time.

Doesn't this tell you all you need to know?

He's using her for money. He's milking her like a cow! Obviously love bombing her too so she doesn't see what a mug she's being taken for. She must be incredibly naive to not see she's being used.

Also marrying quickly is what narcs do because you know as well as they do that they can't keep up the act for long! It's going to drop as soon as the ring is on her finger. Tick, tock...

Feel pity for her and be bloody glad you got away. Also I'd advise some therapy to help you move on and find someone who deserves you. Thank your lucky stars tonight and treat yourself to something nice 🙏🏼❤️