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Original poster

Narcissistic ex getting married...why am I upset?

76 replies

cillahack · 25/06/2022 18:49

I know the word "narcissist " is thrown around a lot but he had a lot of narcissistic traits.
When I say he treated me awful,I mean it was bad.
He was cruel /gaslighted me,made me feel like I was to blame for it all.
Spoke to other women/slept with them/made me jealous ,spoke to me awful.
Made me feel like I wasn't worth anything /not good enough ...when at the beginning he told me he couldn't believe his luck.

He "discarded" me cruelly in September 2020.
It was a awful time,my mum just died and he didn't give a damn.
Fast forward 2 months he met someone and within 4 months she was living with him.
5 months later he proposed and 6 months later they are getting married (today )
It's his wedding day today.
I know this because I have his best friend on my Snapchat.
After everything I'm gutted
I don't understand how he has changed from that cruel person to this.
I wish it was me still
I know that's pathetic but I don't know what I did wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
cillahack · 27/06/2022 08:02

After everything is it normal to be jealous it's not me?
That he couldn't marry me?
That I must have done something to bring out that level of nastiness
Because in his stag pics he looks like a happy friendly /fun guy
What did I do to push him to being so nasty ?

OP posts:
Squareflair · 27/06/2022 08:30

cillahack · 27/06/2022 08:02

After everything is it normal to be jealous it's not me?
That he couldn't marry me?
That I must have done something to bring out that level of nastiness
Because in his stag pics he looks like a happy friendly /fun guy
What did I do to push him to being so nasty ?

Whether its normal is irrelevant, whether its rational or not is a more important question to ask. And the answer is no. No its not rational to be upset that an abusive man who treated you like crap didn't want to marry you- why would you have wanted to?! I'd suggest maybe working on your self esteem for starters and to take some time out to reflect on why you think you don't deserve better.

Original poster
cillahack · 27/06/2022 09:48

That's the word "rational" it's not rational.
It's the fantasy of him isn't it ..not the real him.
I just want him to show his true colours
It's like I never even existed to him.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/06/2022 09:49

You know why he appears to have committed to this woman, because she has money and can make his life easier for him. You know what the true him is. Be thankful you are shot of him. You had a lucky escape. He is her problem now, not yours. You should up your bar and move on to find someone nicer.

narcex · 27/06/2022 11:54

I know exactly how you are feeling because I feel the same I don't know what the answer is. I want their world to come crashing down like mine did 🤷🏻‍♀️ then I will feel better about it all I think. Until that happens I don't think it will ever feel concluded. If he moves on with someone else that isn't her I know I won't feel like this. Obviously it's absolute madness to feel like I do I've had counselling.
I have a very happy life despite sounding unhinged 🤣 and 95% of the time I don't think about it but I think it's only normal to feel like there should be some justice you know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Summerwetordry · 27/06/2022 12:04

cillahack · 27/06/2022 09:48

That's the word "rational" it's not rational.
It's the fantasy of him isn't it ..not the real him.
I just want him to show his true colours
It's like I never even existed to him.

He will show his true colours. My ex was violent, nasty, ran up huge debts etc. and it was all my fault, according to him.

Before he married again, I warned her and she laughed in my face. Many years later she was terminally ill and apologised for not listening to me. He had let her a dog's life and was being cruel about her dying and leaving their child motherless. He put on a good act until they were married and reverted to type. Don't bother yourself one bit about this. She'll have a terrible time with him too.

Original poster
cillahack · 27/06/2022 12:05

@narcex honestly I'm exactly the same.
The only difference was he didn't end it with me for her -he was sleeping with everything and enjoying telling me about it and watching me cry etc
Now he is turned 40 he wants to settle down -so here he is

OP posts:
SistersRdoingit4themselves · 27/06/2022 20:06

You tube Dr. Ramini. This helped me a lot.

thelastshadowpuppet · 27/06/2022 23:45

I often think of my own situation when I married my ex husband.

Did his ex wife give our wedding day a second thought.

The reality was he was putting his hands on me.

Hope you're ok op.

LondonerWith2 · 28/06/2022 12:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/06/2022 12:54

Marry in haste, repent at leisure as the saying goes.

LondonerWith2 · 28/06/2022 13:13

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/06/2022 12:54

Marry in haste, repent at leisure as the saying goes.

What does that mean?🤦‍♀️

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/06/2022 15:04

LondonerWith2 · 28/06/2022 13:13

What does that mean?🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

It means if you rush into a marriage (which this new victim is) then she will have plenty of time to regret her decision when the ex drops the mask and reveals what a shithead he is.

It's from a bygone age when people couldn't divorce and therefore had a whole lifetime of regret but you only have to read the 'trying to divorce a narc' threads on here to realise it's still no easy feat escaping a narcissistic husband. They don't tend to be fair unless it's to look good, otherwise their preference is to destroy their ex for making them look bad.

LondonerWith2 · 28/06/2022 15:35

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/06/2022 15:04

It means if you rush into a marriage (which this new victim is) then she will have plenty of time to regret her decision when the ex drops the mask and reveals what a shithead he is.

It's from a bygone age when people couldn't divorce and therefore had a whole lifetime of regret but you only have to read the 'trying to divorce a narc' threads on here to realise it's still no easy feat escaping a narcissistic husband. They don't tend to be fair unless it's to look good, otherwise their preference is to destroy their ex for making them look bad.

Show quote history

Riiiight, thanks for explaining
Truth is I was that girl 6 years ago, his ex seemed 'obsessed' and 'crazy' and of course he could do no wrong
Even now, I sent him a message today to say we are now finished due to his wandering eyes and to let him know the gravity of what his actions have caused but I'm sure I'll receive a response about how it was somehow my fault etc etc Confused*

gogogadgetgo · 28/06/2022 15:40

@LondonerWith2 you've posted your problem on someone else's thread. I'd ask for it to be removed and maybe start your own

People are replying to the original op

LondonerWith2 · 28/06/2022 15:45

gogogadgetgo · 28/06/2022 15:40

@LondonerWith2 you've posted your problem on someone else's thread. I'd ask for it to be removed and maybe start your own

People are replying to the original op

Hi I did notice and have made my own thread but so new to this app I can't figure out how to take it off here 🤦‍♀️

MNHQ
PipMumsnet · 28/06/2022 16:03

Hello LondonerWith2 we have withdrawn that for you now.
Best wishes.
MNHQ

beautyisthefaceisee · 28/06/2022 16:21

Oh darling.

Totally normal.

Youa re gutted about what you thoguht you had. You can't understand why he would change for her and not you. You can't understand why you're not enough.

As PP said - he hasn't changed. Narcissists don't. They are all about the image.

As I say to my friend in this situation -

Imagine him asking for the soup of the day and then beign disappointed as to what it is. Imagine him sniffing his boxers to see if he can get away with them for another day. Imagine him with spag bol sauce on his face. Imaging him saying "mmm" when eating something. Imagine him jumping up and down with excitement and clapping his hands. Imagine him struggling to get it hard. Imagine him skipping.

Got the ick yet?

beautyisthefaceisee · 28/06/2022 16:22

cillahack · 27/06/2022 12:05

@narcex honestly I'm exactly the same.
The only difference was he didn't end it with me for her -he was sleeping with everything and enjoying telling me about it and watching me cry etc
Now he is turned 40 he wants to settle down -so here he is

Course he does, cause the prick knows he's on his last chance saloon!

think of it this - he's with her cause he doesn't have anyone else.

Are you single? if so think of it this way - you can have ANYONE YOU WANT. he is one in millions.

PS - bin the pal on snapchat! He is what is known as a flying monkey

Original poster
cillahack · 29/06/2022 08:59

@beautyisthefaceisee ha ha ha that made me laugh
Especially the skipping part

OP posts:
Original poster
cillahack · 29/06/2022 09:01

You know what's always confused me
He blocked my number but didn't block me on Facebook.
He knows I can see him (as I have his best friend and he has mine ) on our facebook.
I don't understand why he didn't just block me on that.
He actually said to me "don't you think if I wanted to block you on it all,I would of"
He is so mentally strange

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2022 10:03

You can block him. Take back some control.

Original poster
cillahack · 29/06/2022 13:41

I didn't want to look petty and I assumed if I blocked and he noticed (probably won't ) he would think he still affects me
I didn't want to give him that power.

OP posts:
beautyisthefaceisee · 29/06/2022 17:35

cillahack · 29/06/2022 09:01

You know what's always confused me
He blocked my number but didn't block me on Facebook.
He knows I can see him (as I have his best friend and he has mine ) on our facebook.
I don't understand why he didn't just block me on that.
He actually said to me "don't you think if I wanted to block you on it all,I would of"
He is so mentally strange

Block him. He wont be expecting that.

gogogadgetgo · 29/06/2022 17:37

cillahack · 29/06/2022 13:41

I didn't want to look petty and I assumed if I blocked and he noticed (probably won't ) he would think he still affects me
I didn't want to give him that power.

But look at you. Do you think you have the power right now? Honestly?

I can bet he's not giving you two seconds thought right now.

But you've been on here agonising over his every action and what does it mean, why didn't he choose you, what did you do

He already has the power. Until you let go.

Blocking him isn't giving him the power. It's allowing you to move on.