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Original poster

Narcissistic ex getting married...why am I upset?

76 replies

cillahack · 25/06/2022 18:49

I know the word "narcissist " is thrown around a lot but he had a lot of narcissistic traits.
When I say he treated me awful,I mean it was bad.
He was cruel /gaslighted me,made me feel like I was to blame for it all.
Spoke to other women/slept with them/made me jealous ,spoke to me awful.
Made me feel like I wasn't worth anything /not good enough ...when at the beginning he told me he couldn't believe his luck.

He "discarded" me cruelly in September 2020.
It was a awful time,my mum just died and he didn't give a damn.
Fast forward 2 months he met someone and within 4 months she was living with him.
5 months later he proposed and 6 months later they are getting married (today )
It's his wedding day today.
I know this because I have his best friend on my Snapchat.
After everything I'm gutted
I don't understand how he has changed from that cruel person to this.
I wish it was me still
I know that's pathetic but I don't know what I did wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
cillahack · 25/06/2022 21:02

I just need to stop thinking about him don't I.
When I deleted him off all social media he said to me "are you regretting your life choices yet"
"You really need to be more mature"
After he did me wrong ...

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 25/06/2022 21:05

He hasn't changed, you need to remember this. Men like this don't change. It's normal to feel this but you need to remove his best friend from your social media, there's no need to follow the exes best friend!

RedDeath614 · 25/06/2022 21:26

cillahack · 25/06/2022 21:02

I just need to stop thinking about him don't I.
When I deleted him off all social media he said to me "are you regretting your life choices yet"
"You really need to be more mature"
After he did me wrong ...

He continues to exert control over you no matter what you do, but you're letting him. How is he contacting you after you've deleted him?
Honestly speaking you still sound like you're in the addiction pattern with him and you could benefit from therapy.
You need to go full no contract. Change your number, email address, delete all social media even the mystery accounts, do other things and make a different life. I'm sorry but I can't remember if you have kids with him or not. If not, again be immensely grateful for not needing to maintain any connection to him, get the hell out of there and don't look back!!
Once you know, you GO.

oopsfellover · 25/06/2022 21:40

He hasn’t changed and you’re well rid. Hope you feel better as time goes on.

barbedwired · 25/06/2022 22:13

You've had a lucky escape, look on the bright side

Isaidnoalready · 26/06/2022 00:30

cillahack · 25/06/2022 21:02

I just need to stop thinking about him don't I.
When I deleted him off all social media he said to me "are you regretting your life choices yet"
"You really need to be more mature"
After he did me wrong ...

I hope you ignored his fishing attempts

Just think his tackle is too small his bait is nasty even as a fish I wouldn't want what he is offering

Original poster
cillahack · 26/06/2022 07:59

I'm the sensible part of my brain I know deep down he will never change.
I've seen the nasty side and know how horrible he is capable of being.
I think I need to stop deluding myself that he is this reformed character.

OP posts:
Kately · 26/06/2022 08:15

You really need to stop letting him live rent free in your head

That part of your life is over (thankfully) and he has a new unsuspecting victim

He won't have changed but actually even if he has it's not your concern. He's no longer part of your life (at least he shouldn't be)

Look forward Smile

Pippioddstocking · 26/06/2022 08:18

I promise you he hasn’t changed.
my ex was similar,also had his affair whilst I was grieving the death of a parent.
he traded me in ASAP and I was left reeling. To me he had the perfect life and I was left in pieces.
I had a conversation with the new woman two years later when lo and behold he had done the same to her and was now trading her in. She told me their relationship had been dreadful for 18 months, as soon as she’d moved in with her children he did to her exactly what he had done to me. His reason for cheating on her was because she held a bank account that he didn’t know about so he cheated on her to ‘ punish her’.
He moved his new partner in 2 weeks after she left. He had her pregnant within 5 months. I do like her and I feel sorry for her as I know he has not changed but it’s too late as now he has trapped her she will have to endure this until she gets strong enough to leave or he trades her in too.

to everyone else else he is lovely, he holds a professional job and is well respected, it’s ALL a facade.

Original poster
cillahack · 26/06/2022 09:20

Why did he commit fully to this one?

OP posts:
Squareflair · 26/06/2022 09:21

cillahack · 26/06/2022 09:20

Why did he commit fully to this one?

Who cares? Honestly you need to move on for your own good. There are a million reasons why he wants to marry her- from the genuine through to the abusive but it doesn't mean any are a reflection on you and it isn't any of your business.

Fishandchipbutty · 26/06/2022 09:24

You're grieving for the dream of what he should have been rather than what he actually was. She'll find out soon enough what he's like as people don't change.
Draw a big breath, don't give him the headspace and make plans to look forward.

lyns86x · 26/06/2022 09:28

I know part of you will be imagining that he's found his happy ever after and that you can't understand what you did wrong that it didn't achieve the same outcome.... YOU did nothing wrong, you have had a good escape. Imagine being that woman, married to that narcissist... I'm sure they will be divorced within 2 years.
Remember a lot of people have been and are in your shoes and it's sadly how some relationships turn out, but please don't beat yourself up, remember self care and talking to friends or family, time is also a great healer x

Fireflygal · 26/06/2022 09:38

Delete anyone connected to him on SM as it's essential that you cut all ties. He will enjoy knowing you are still hurting.

The fact she has money is highly relevant. I was in a similar position and once married Ex H changed, literally the next day, however at our wedding he delivered the most wonderful speech. That was for his image.

It is very typical to be discarded when life isn't going well for you (such as bereavement or ill health) which makes it more difficult to cope with. They are able to do this because they don't have genuine empathy.

There is never a happy ending if you have a relationship with an narcissist. The options are:

She leaves him and he will be vindicative and fight her for money.
He may leave her but only when he has lined up someone else, perhaps with more money.
If they stay together they will fight constantly as he won't be able to compromise.

How long were you together?

RudsyFarmer · 26/06/2022 09:39

People don’t change in the way you describe. She will either put up with him or they’ll split acrimoniously down the line.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/06/2022 09:42

OP that poor woman is ruining her life. He has obviously love bombed her and it’s moved very fast.

Have pity for her and the misery she will be subjected to.

Unfollow the best friend.

gogogadgetgo · 26/06/2022 09:45

cillahack · 26/06/2022 09:20

Why did he commit fully to this one?

I think you need to ask your self why do you care?

It's not a failing in you. It's not a damming indictment on your future relationships. It's him showing who he is. Namely he wants her money.

You're torturing yourself. Block all contact. I know it's easier said than done. But it's the only way with narcs.

Concentrate on you. You're in the driving seat for the rest of your life. Don't let this blip take over.

I would seriously consider some therapy to help you unpick this.

Confusedbyactions · 26/06/2022 09:52

Pretend your a superhero and you kept the world safe from him for a period of time. This job has now been passed to the new person.

Original poster
cillahack · 26/06/2022 10:41

That's a good thought ...why do I care?
Why do I care that someone who basically ripped me apart is getting married?
Why do I care that someone who could hurt me like they did is getting married
Does it even matter
I wouldn't want to be with a person who could hurt me like that do I

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 26/06/2022 12:19

cillahack · 26/06/2022 10:41

That's a good thought ...why do I care?
Why do I care that someone who basically ripped me apart is getting married?
Why do I care that someone who could hurt me like they did is getting married
Does it even matter
I wouldn't want to be with a person who could hurt me like that do I

Exactly hold onto that feeling meanwhile my ex is pushing boundaries he himself created today its the one where he never brings his girlfriend to my house to collect ds she was literally in the car outside my house 🙄 I said to ds I don't care but you need to keep your boundaries secure he is pushing then a lot lately ds sets a boundary he pushes it over and makes ds feel he did it himself until he gets space to think about it and realises what has happened its like he cannot say no and relies on me to do it for him which then makes me the "crazy ex" 🤦‍♀️

Never have kids with a man like my ex

gonnascreamsoon · 26/06/2022 12:50

OP he married this one for only 2 reasons...

  1. She'll find it much harder to leave him like you did (cos that'll really have stung him ! After all, weren't you supposed to feel 'lucky' to have him ??)
  2. She has money. So even if she does eventually leave him, he'll get 50% of all 'marital assets' !
Original poster
cillahack · 26/06/2022 12:54

He was the one who "discarded " me
Well after I found out he had betrayed me
Then I deleted him off Facebook /Snapchat etc and I think he never thought I would do that.
That's when on messenger he said that I would be regretting my choices.

Previously he told me that his ex got married to make him jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
cillahack · 26/06/2022 18:13

Thanks again everyone
Yesterday wasn't a good day

OP posts:
Fuzzyhippo · 26/06/2022 19:08

I was with a narc who always said he wasn't ready to commit, couldn't live together for all sorts of reasons. Few weeks after he left me, he moved in with OW. They're now married. I do wonder if it was me, if I was the problem. But I do feel sorry for the new supply, he'll very likely cheat on her too, history has a habit of repeating itself

Yellowhase · 26/06/2022 21:57

I think from experience toxic tendencies will carry on through to each relationship. Unless your ex has had counselling and decided to change. It sounds unlikely maybe the new woman allows him to exert himself and doesn’t know what he is like.
At the end of the day it’s not your worry. You will learn to breathe easier without him. Maybe counselling for yourself? Toxic relationships tend to have a hold over you that you can’t explain. Delete common contacts and concentrate on you. Good luck.