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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a red flag

110 replies

Butterfly1066 · 25/06/2022 18:24

I ve been with my boyfriend around 5 months

It's been pretty good we have a lot in common however today we have had a massive argument and he is being cold and distant become he found out before I met him I meet someone on tinder and went on a few dates with with and we had sex, this was about a year before I met him

This was before I met him but he is making out that I have lied to him a I didn't tell him before about it and he has changed how he feels , it was actually a pretty insignificant thing that didn't work out in the end and I thought no more about it but he is making me feel horrible about myself and saying that if he had known he never would have dated me and that now he sees me differently

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfly1066 · 27/06/2022 12:02

Thank you to everyone who has posted again

It's made things very clear to me that I need to extract myself out of this situation because I am already nervous to mention that I have a family holiday booked for a week in the summer as he will sulk

Life is far too short and precious for this so when he is back to his place I shall end it

I feel he is far too arrogant to engage with me again but I have a good support network here

Again thank you to each and everyone one who posted

Mumsnet is full of wise, witty and kind people who took the time out to give me advice and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart

OP posts:

Echobelly · 27/06/2022 12:09

Glad to see a good outcome from this. Jealousy, gaslighting, not coping with your totally normal sexual history - not a good look. Don't let him write any of this off as 'stress' or 'so busy'. Plenty of men cope with stress without being assholes to their partners.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 27/06/2022 12:11

So he was a virgin when you met I assume?
Well it's given me the ick and i don't even know him. Get out now while you still have your sanity.
This is not just a red flag, this is platinum jubilee level bunting of the red flag variety

Lindy2 · 27/06/2022 12:14

I'm glad you have made the decision to end this.

You shouldn't be made to feel sad because as an adult woman you have had more than this particular 5 month long relationship.

You shouldn't feel nervous about saying you're going on holiday with your family. You shouldn't be scrutinised because you know other men as friends and colleagues.

This is not how you feel in a healthy and equal relationship.

I'm sure you will instantly feel like the weight of the world has lifted from your shoulders when you move on from this.

Annoyedwithmyself · 27/06/2022 12:29

Butterfly1066 · 25/06/2022 18:58

He is being quite cold and distant and staying into space saying he has a lot on his mind

And doing sad little tight smiles

Yuck. Massive red flag and this behaviour is so controlling and pathetic.

Pinkbonbon · 27/06/2022 12:57

Kinda hope that when you dump him, you tell him that it's because his behaviour is not OK. That it is controlling and mysoginistic and that that is why you are leaving.

Just so he knows you know you are wise to his bs.

But defo text dump him. He doesn't deserve a face to face and I don't think it'll be wise to be near him when u break up with him anyway.

Amid · 27/06/2022 13:12

Well done OP! Glad you are getting rid. Yes, tell him why. Controlling fool.

TheOriginalClownfish · 27/06/2022 14:18

He will of course accuse you of wanting to shag yourself silly with men on this future holiday and particularly if you break up with him and he knows about the holiday. You aren't going to convince him otherwise so don't even waste your energy trying.

The reason he's accusing you constantly of looking elsewhere is because he does this and is clearly willing at any point to take whatever is on offer elsewhere. You couldn't possibly be breaking up with him because he's awful and not have another person to shag lined up because in his world, he can't fathom dumping someone without having another woman to shag.

It's transference. And knowing that when he's accusing you of all the things he will in the break up speech will help you shrug off his insults.

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/06/2022 15:59

He brings more drama than an episode of Drag Race
Give him his crown and sceptre and boot his arse out the door

Original poster

Butterfly1066 · 27/06/2022 16:31

It's amazing how writing things down help

He also doesn't like to tell me if he is coming over but leaves it to the last minute pretending he is so busy

I know he will end up coming over

He has even let himself into my flat before without warning

I don't know how it got like this

I think some lessons in raising my self esteem are in order

OP posts:

AnuSTart · 27/06/2022 16:34

I hope you tell him the bad news that you are too good for him asap! Good luck! It's so nice to see one of these stories ending the healthy way it should.

I bet he leaves it til the last minute! Desperate to catch you in the act of...living your life!!

What a twat.

Triffid1 · 27/06/2022 16:36

How did he take it when you ended it? Have you got your key back?

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/06/2022 16:37

Have you escaped yet? He sounds so dreadful.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 27/06/2022 16:41

What a weirdo! You are well rid.

Suggest looming at the freedom programme, might be helpful.

thenewduchessoflapland · 27/06/2022 16:45

I can only assume he's insecure about the prowess of his penis and his masculinity if he's so hung up on his girlfriend daring to have a sexual past;maybe he's inexperienced.

It doesn't matter because it's not your issue but his.Please throw this one back.Also remember to get your locks changed if he has a key to your home.

bloodyunicorns · 27/06/2022 17:12

Butterfly1066 · 25/06/2022 18:58

He is being quite cold and distant and staying into space saying he has a lot on his mind

And doing sad little tight smiles

Oh op, this made me laugh. I can just imagine it.

You could suggest he takes drama classes??

Good for you for deciding to end it. 💐

Fairislefandango · 27/06/2022 17:16

Wow - that's a whole bunting-load of red flags! I hope you get rid of him quickly OP!

DillonPanthersTexas · 27/06/2022 17:19

This is more red flags then a China v Morocco football match. I'm not one for jumping on the LTB bandwagon at the drop of a hat but a person losing their shit over a sexual encounter you had a year prior to meeting them is very insecure behaviour, what did he expect when he met you, a virgin? Don't be surprised if there are follow up questions of the 'who is better in bed' or 'was he better looking' variety. Tell him you have volunteered to fight in Ukraine and then block him.

velvetvixen · 27/06/2022 17:28

Get your locks changed OP.

Original poster

Butterfly1066 · 02/07/2022 02:27

Just an update

I have told him it's over and he has actually accepted it

I feel sad though but will have to work through it

OP posts:

Autienotnaughtie · 02/07/2022 02:49

Obviously it's hard for you but this great news. If you had committed to/married/had children with a person like this things would only have got worse as his sense of entitlement increased.

Coyoacan · 02/07/2022 04:47

Well done, OP. I hope he doesn't still have a key to your place.

Meanwhile, even though it is obviously he is toxic and you are better off without him, you will miss him for a while, so give yourself lots of treats.

ohgawdnowivedoneit · 02/07/2022 05:07

I hope you got your locks changed as you said he let himself in once before!

WelshMoth · 02/07/2022 10:12

Aerodactyl · 25/06/2022 19:06

I would plainly tell him that the totally unhinged way he is behaving about something that has absolutely fuck all to do with him has changed your opinion of him, so if he could fuck off quietly ASAP it would be much appreciated. Then give him a sad, tight smile, slam the door and crack the wine to celebrate dodging a massive unstable bullet.

Excellently written to the point that I'm grinning.

That said OP, it's not easy for you to smile. Yet.

The fact that you feel sick and low is because he has successfully managed to make you feel ashamed for being you and for being utterly normal. He has slut-shamed you. He is judging you for actions that have nothing to do with him.

Imagine living the next 30-40 years with this man-child? Imagine feeling shame on a regular basis for smiling at the post-man, making a cuppa for your painter and decorator, having to explain your male friendships at work (for example).

Run run run away. He is about to make your life a misery.

WelshMoth · 02/07/2022 10:18

Aaargh I've now RTFT.

Don't be sad - be relieved. You've done an immensely powerful thing.

I hope that he is fully aware that HE'S dumped because of his controlling twattish behaviour.

Either way, I'm actually delighted for you. Too many of us put up with this shit. Good for you x

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