Missed scan, broken trust, I don't know what to do

[jokerflowers]

Sorry if this turns out to be a bit long, I’ll try keep it short.
My partner and I have been together a year and a half, there’s been feelings there longer than that, and we’re very happy together. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who I co parent with their dad. They love my partner, they have a fantastic relationship. In 8 weeks time I’m due our first child together, couldn’t be more excited. Anyway, the problem is, my partner is a massive asshole in the mornings. He has a shit routine, we both feel unwell a lot in the mornings, dunno why, just always been that way, but he’s just a dick! I’ve spoken about it in depth before, he can be snappy, moody, or simply walk off and go sleep in my kids room if they’re at their dads and I’m getting up (we don’t currently live together but he stays over) anyway, because of this he missed our 20 weeks scan. It was a huge deal! I couldn’t believe it, because he was tired and moody and didn’t wanna get up. I was obvs extremely upset by that, and he immediately regretted it, cried, felt shit about it and whatever. I’m 32 weeks now and having monthly scans at the hospital still, I had one this week and yep, you guessed it.. HE DID IT AGAIN! I was FURIOUS this time I woke him and said we have to go and he said no I’m sleeping. I said oh okay you’re not gunna feel bad like before? He said no. I screamed at him to get out my house by the time I’m back and left, Cus I was so hurt, I went alone. Needless to say this has caused huge issues, it’s made me loose trust in him, see him differently, and frankly loose faith in him as a father.. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him if he acts like that when baby is here he won’t be involved, simple, I don’t need that and baby doesn’t need to be let down. I’ve done it twice before and I can raise this baby on my own if I have to, so prioritising the children isn’t a problem. What’s worse is he’s over the moon about this baby!! We’ve both had shit starts in life, so he never thought he’d have his own family and that’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, it’s not like he doesn’t love our child. My friend seems to think I should consider breaking up, I have thought about it, but I also wonder what do people do if you’re in a different situation? What if you’re married? People try to make it work right? I don’t know. He says he’s sorry, has no defense, trust me when I say I’ve been brutal. There’s no part of me that’s nice to him right now, at the moment I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. What’s worse is outside of this he’s a great partner, he treats my kids like his own, he provides for all of us without a single complaint, he’ll do anything I ask, he takes good care of us and is loving and caring, so wtf do I do. Pls share your thoughts with me? Thank you

I think the reason he gets up so late is because he goes to bed so late. My DD 17 goes to school then does a shift in her part time job finishing at 10. She doesn't then go to sleep at 2, she has to get back up at 7!

This is a really poor effort on his part.

OP It sounds as if you are doing the very best you can for your 2 girls, and you really need to keep them and yourself and the new baby a priority.

If your partner has somewhere to live right now it's probably best not to change that situation - he can still be a good dad even if he doesn't live with you. The difficult starts you say you both had in life, and mental health problems may mean that your expectations of family life are just not possible, and you might need to adjust your thinking about this. Your partner might have the best intentions, but is just not able to follow through due to past trauma or whatever.

Plan for taking care of this baby yourself, and maybe scale back what you expect from him. And arrange as much support as you can from elsewhere.

You can still have a good relationship with your partner, but you don't necessarily need to live together to have this.

@powerfu that's all totally fair, thank you, I appreciate it

What if he's angry, snappy, moody or just walks off to sleep in the other room if you're not well enough to look after the baby?

@NeverDropYourMooncup then he can leave and I'll do it myself

OP, have I missed something or could he get a job with 9-5 hours?
I have to say that I would be concerned to even start a family with someone who is in assisted housing. Are there addiction issues?

Personally I would want to see he could cope with life alone, but I work with adults who have MH.

Obviously you are where you are..but I think a tougher approach is needed, sorry. What if a shift pattern is removed and he is still shit?

Or living independently without the support you give him throws up issues?

From where I am looking you have been the secure base/family he needs..not an independent relationship.

I may be way off the mark and forgive me if I am, but it screams co-dependent and empathic behaviour on your part, which may be due to your own MH and poor childhood.

I would listen to friends and give him a change to change jobs/living arrangements and see how it goes.
I wish you luck.

I don't want to assume anything, but could he have depression? The way you describe him as moody, bad routine and ill in the morning definitely relates to the way I feel, and I have severe clinical depression. Obviously not making any excuses for him, but thought I'd mention it as I don't think anyone else has

I hate to say this- but why did you plan a baby with someone you’d only been with for a few months?! You don’t really know someone by then

Oh dear. What a mess. I think a long of your self worth is hinged on having kids, hence ‘planning’ one nine months into a relationship with this man.

A lot of*

@Powerfu made a good comment and I think that's the way to go at least to begin with. I totally understand the trust issue and that you want him to be totally invested in the scan appointments, maybe to you those are a measure of how invested he is in the baby and if he isn't passing that test you want to kick him into touch. It doesn't have to be all or nothing....I think you are trying to defend yourself against hurt and if you can't rely on someone 100% you'd rather know you are alone and rely on yourself. I recognise that pattern in myself and I too had a rocky start and kids in less than ideal circumstances - and I did a bloody good job raising them. However there is a middle ground and try to aim for that. The middle ground is that over time you will learn what you can rely on him for, and what not. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

But do try to scale back how much weight you put on these individual actions - you said a lot of positive things about him but are deciding his entire relationship with the baby on a missed scan.

That, as you have said is about your own trust issues. If any of us were judged as entire human beings based on our perceived shortcomings at our worst time of day, we may not do well!

You are having this baby with someone who hasn't had the best start and has been through a lot, it probably won't be fully real to him until the baby is born and you may well find he then steps up. Be kind to yourself, give it all time and find the middle ground.
But let him and you adjust without him moving in for a few months, be VERY sure of things and how they will be before he moves in, because if it doesn't work well you and your kids are stuck with him as he may not find it easy to move out again.

To the posters who are having harsh opinions, maybe you should think twice before being so judgy on a woman who is 35 weeks pregnant and probably feeling quite sensitive. What's done is done and criticising her choices until now doesn't change the fact that she has children and another on the way and is trying to do her very best for them.

You said that he is excited about having the baby, but I wonder if it's the idea of having a child that is exciting to him, not the reality. I'm really struggling to believe that someone who is excited about having a baby would miss two scans for no reason other than they had to get out of bed. OK if you haven't had lots of sleep it can be hard to get up, but not when it's something exciting like that! Is he really, genuinely excited?

My second concern is his inability to get up - and the nastiness that goes with it. you already know that when you have a baby in the house, your sleep is regularly broken, for months on end (sometimes years!) How will he cope with that?

I imagine that he will just refuse to get up and you will do it all. You will get less sleep than ever and come to resent him. I know that broken sleep comes as a shock to most new parents, but your partner is already showing that he's at the extreme end of not being able to get up / refusing to get up. I don't think you can trust that he's going to change his ways and I'd be planning for bringing up the baby on your own.

It does have to be all or nothing when it comes to him stepping up to be a father and a reliable partner to op. It’s not okay for her to accept crumbs from him.

I totally get that people become single parents for many reasons and that dc are better in a happy environment than a toxic home.
But.
Why do so many women have to have a dc with their latest partner after 18 months and in these circumstances. You planned a baby less than a year into your relationship.
You have 2 dc already.
Unless your dp improves that’s another dc doing eow with a different dp to your other dc.
Youre already considering raising this baby alone.
Do men and women never think whether the newborn will actually have a stable upbringing or do they just not care because they have a romantic idea of making a baby together?