Missed scan, broken trust, I don't know what to do

[jokerflowers]

Sorry if this turns out to be a bit long, I’ll try keep it short.
My partner and I have been together a year and a half, there’s been feelings there longer than that, and we’re very happy together. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who I co parent with their dad. They love my partner, they have a fantastic relationship. In 8 weeks time I’m due our first child together, couldn’t be more excited. Anyway, the problem is, my partner is a massive asshole in the mornings. He has a shit routine, we both feel unwell a lot in the mornings, dunno why, just always been that way, but he’s just a dick! I’ve spoken about it in depth before, he can be snappy, moody, or simply walk off and go sleep in my kids room if they’re at their dads and I’m getting up (we don’t currently live together but he stays over) anyway, because of this he missed our 20 weeks scan. It was a huge deal! I couldn’t believe it, because he was tired and moody and didn’t wanna get up. I was obvs extremely upset by that, and he immediately regretted it, cried, felt shit about it and whatever. I’m 32 weeks now and having monthly scans at the hospital still, I had one this week and yep, you guessed it.. HE DID IT AGAIN! I was FURIOUS this time I woke him and said we have to go and he said no I’m sleeping. I said oh okay you’re not gunna feel bad like before? He said no. I screamed at him to get out my house by the time I’m back and left, Cus I was so hurt, I went alone. Needless to say this has caused huge issues, it’s made me loose trust in him, see him differently, and frankly loose faith in him as a father.. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him if he acts like that when baby is here he won’t be involved, simple, I don’t need that and baby doesn’t need to be let down. I’ve done it twice before and I can raise this baby on my own if I have to, so prioritising the children isn’t a problem. What’s worse is he’s over the moon about this baby!! We’ve both had shit starts in life, so he never thought he’d have his own family and that’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, it’s not like he doesn’t love our child. My friend seems to think I should consider breaking up, I have thought about it, but I also wonder what do people do if you’re in a different situation? What if you’re married? People try to make it work right? I don’t know. He says he’s sorry, has no defense, trust me when I say I’ve been brutal. There’s no part of me that’s nice to him right now, at the moment I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. What’s worse is outside of this he’s a great partner, he treats my kids like his own, he provides for all of us without a single complaint, he’ll do anything I ask, he takes good care of us and is loving and caring, so wtf do I do. Pls share your thoughts with me? Thank you

You would have still created a child with a man as you have described above? Really?

He finishes work at 10pm what time does he get home
You need time to unwind after work a meal watch tv listen to music or whatever

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim yeah.. a good and caring man, I'm not excusing his behavior at all as you can see from my thoughts and comments, but we're all flawed, he's not a terrible person 😅 he just has this bad trait, I could not see into the future to see this was going to happen

@stepuporshutup he gets home a bit after 10, does normal things like eats, showers, unwinds, I don't expect him up early at all Cus I'd be the same, but I do expect him to get is arse out of bed for a scan once a month. He still gets more sleep than I do and I have to do it 😅 I wonder if the morning shift 6-2 would work better, but then he'll be getting up from no sleep at night Cus of baby so maybe that's worse, I don't bloody know 😬

Due to chronic pain and medication, I am not a morning person. Therefore I do not make appointments in the morning. Did you not get the chance to chose a better time for your scan?

Having said that, I would make myself go to an appointment if I had to, or be up if there was an important reason to be. So he could have made more effort. He could have had a nap after the scan/before work.

But that's the point isn't it? You didnt know what he'd be like because you didn't know him that well.

The baby was planned but neither of you really knew each other and living separately doesn't really help. You don't necessarily have an accurate picture of what he is like and a new born will place a huge amount of pressure on your relationship.

@DrSophia we've known each other for years, but haven't been together that whole time of course. The living thing is Cus of external circumstances that I mentioned below, but he does stay over and I see him every day so it's never really been a huge deal to us Cus he's always at mine if that makes sense, everything about him has shown me that he'll be a great father, maybe I could've waited longer but I honestly wouldn't of made this choice if I thought otherwise. If I'm wrong it's a real shame, but it's been a shock to me for that reason, I didn't think I was making a bad decision

@SlaveToTwoTabbyCats the appointments for the rest of the pregnancy were all just sent to me booked in and Cus it's only once a month I didn't see it being a huge problem so didn't think to change them, no point now since I only have one left 😅 maybe I should've asked for them to be later tho

The scan is the least of your problems, you can be damned sure he will never look after the baby, get up in the night, the morning or any other time.
What are you thinking having a baby with this fool.

Why will he never get up with the baby? He doesn't go to bed until two so he's already up half the night anyway.

What time would you go to bed if you finished working at ten?

Oh for goodness sake. We've all had to get up with 4 hours sleep and deal with the day. Whether it be after a sleepless night, a late night, to get an early flight or whatever. I have a couple of chronic illnesses and I'm in my 50s and for something important I get up however little sleep. He should be able to get up for something important. I've worked nights and lates and you suck up the occasional disruptions especially in your 20s.
He's going to be useless with a baby.

Do you get home from work and go straight to bed? No I expect you want to enjoy the evening for a few hours. He works shifts, his clock is different, going to bed at 2am is quite reasonable for somebody that only finished work at 10pm. Getting up late is also reasonable.

But I agree that OP should have got to know him and at least started living with him, before having a baby together.

No, depending on his job he will probably need unwinding time when he gets home. Not many people who work late shifts can go to sleep immediately after they get home especially if it is a fast paced job or one that involves driving around. People who work 9-5 come home, eat dinner, and have 3-4 hours of unwinding time before they go to sleep.
Also some people just need more sleep than others, I feel really shit if I get less than 8 hours.

My XH had a sleep issue similar to what you describe. His body clock was on a different schedule to most people and he would be horrible in the mornings if woken up, absolutely vile. The difficulty waking was not in his control (I had trouble waking him while I was in labour for example) but the behaviour to me definitely was.

let me tell you it didn't get better and was definitely a contributing factor to breaking up.

You keep stating what a great partner this guy is. But he isn’t, is he. I’m currently pregnant, my DH wouldn’t have missed the 20 week scan for anything. It’s the most important scan of all! Your DP is a selfish manchild. How on earth do you expect him to rise to the challenge of a baby, when he can’t even get himself out of bed for an important appointment? The guy sounds like a loser, I’m sorry but that’s the residing impression I’m gleaning from your posts.

If he is involved with mental health services then is he on medication that makes him feel really hungover in the mornings?

If he is nice in every other respect I would hold on till the baby is born, keep things as they are and don't move him in. He may change when the baby is born and if he doesn't you can deal with it then. Right now, he has absolutely no idea what is about to hit him in terms of the reality of a baby!! You don't need to make major life decisions a few weeks before you give birth. If he was abusive I would say get out now, that's different. What you need now is certainty - "Is he there for me or isn't he?". Living with uncertainty can be difficult but for now just accept if there is anything involving mornings, you will be on your own. If he is there, it's a bonus.

This isn't ideal but you are not in an ideal situation with your start in life and his, the baby is coming soon and there is no going back, so I would plan to deal with stuff yourself and give him time.

Good luck

*resounding

He cant put anyone's needs above his own. It doesn't bode well for fatherhood.

I'm not sure what else to say. I am not attracted to this type of guy, who whinges about being tired and cant keep to his commitments. I guess you'll have to see how nit goes when the baby arrives, but I'd be quietly making plans to go it alone.

OP has clarified that DP came up through the care system and is in residential living and under mental health services. And sounds like she hasn't had a great start either. If he is holding down a full-time job and paying his rent he is doing well, maybe a baby was one thing too many to deal with but he has wanted a family of his own. So I don't think he is a loser at all, he is just probably struggling and is crap in mornings (possibly even due to medication?) and needs a lot of sleep, and OPs scans are in the mornings, couldn't they have made the appointments later?
Yes he could have tried to get up sooner but I think since OP chose to have a baby with him he maybe needs a bit of leeway.

Worth looking up non restorative sleep. You think youve been asleep all night but wake up not feeling rested.

How old are your first two kids, OP?

I’ve told him if he acts like that when baby is here he won’t be involved, simple, I don’t need that and baby doesn’t need to be let down. I’ve done it twice before and I can raise this baby on my own if I have to, so prioritising the children isn’t a problem. What’s worse is he’s over the moon about this baby!! We’ve both had shit starts in life, so he never thought he’d have his own family and that’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, it’s not like he doesn’t love our child.

This part makes me sad. He's clearly someone who has gone through a lot in his life, but it sounds like he is doing well with holding down a job, and he seems like he's a decent guy the rest of the time. But because he's awful in the mornings he's now being threatened with losing his child who you describe as "the only thing he’s ever wanted". I don't think yelling and screaming and being nasty to him will help anything.

Changing his shift pattern will help with the mornings, but that won't be much used to you when the baby comes because he will be in bed early then gone during the day. Whereas now, him being awake until the early hours might actually be more useful. He can do the nights, you can do the days.

Exactly, it sounds like you made a very poor, poor choice with this man as you have completely ignored so many red flags. It's not going to change. Do you work?

Same. Op is ONLY 27, 2 other children on the go, now with someone with MH issues, not living with that person, knowing them for a short time and another poor child on the way. Bad choices one after the other, without learning anything. And as usual it's the kids that suffer the consequences.

@BadNomad I am also someone who has been through hell and has several mental health conditions because of it.. let me clarify Cus that does read a bit harsh.

I've told him he he can't stop being shitty with me in the mornings he won't be there like staying over, he can come over, see us and go home again..

Since he's let us down with 2 scans, if he continues to let baby down that's when I mean he won't be there full stop

And screaming, I literally never do this, I wait and address it when he's up later, but that morning I was in such disbelief and anger that I screamed on my way out the door to be gone when I'm back Cus I don't wanna see you right now

I would never just kick him out of our lives Cus it suited me, but I will always do what's best for baby so what happens is down to him and how he behaves