Missed scan, broken trust, I don't know what to do

[jokerflowers]

Sorry if this turns out to be a bit long, I’ll try keep it short.
My partner and I have been together a year and a half, there’s been feelings there longer than that, and we’re very happy together. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who I co parent with their dad. They love my partner, they have a fantastic relationship. In 8 weeks time I’m due our first child together, couldn’t be more excited. Anyway, the problem is, my partner is a massive asshole in the mornings. He has a shit routine, we both feel unwell a lot in the mornings, dunno why, just always been that way, but he’s just a dick! I’ve spoken about it in depth before, he can be snappy, moody, or simply walk off and go sleep in my kids room if they’re at their dads and I’m getting up (we don’t currently live together but he stays over) anyway, because of this he missed our 20 weeks scan. It was a huge deal! I couldn’t believe it, because he was tired and moody and didn’t wanna get up. I was obvs extremely upset by that, and he immediately regretted it, cried, felt shit about it and whatever. I’m 32 weeks now and having monthly scans at the hospital still, I had one this week and yep, you guessed it.. HE DID IT AGAIN! I was FURIOUS this time I woke him and said we have to go and he said no I’m sleeping. I said oh okay you’re not gunna feel bad like before? He said no. I screamed at him to get out my house by the time I’m back and left, Cus I was so hurt, I went alone. Needless to say this has caused huge issues, it’s made me loose trust in him, see him differently, and frankly loose faith in him as a father.. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him if he acts like that when baby is here he won’t be involved, simple, I don’t need that and baby doesn’t need to be let down. I’ve done it twice before and I can raise this baby on my own if I have to, so prioritising the children isn’t a problem. What’s worse is he’s over the moon about this baby!! We’ve both had shit starts in life, so he never thought he’d have his own family and that’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, it’s not like he doesn’t love our child. My friend seems to think I should consider breaking up, I have thought about it, but I also wonder what do people do if you’re in a different situation? What if you’re married? People try to make it work right? I don’t know. He says he’s sorry, has no defense, trust me when I say I’ve been brutal. There’s no part of me that’s nice to him right now, at the moment I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. What’s worse is outside of this he’s a great partner, he treats my kids like his own, he provides for all of us without a single complaint, he’ll do anything I ask, he takes good care of us and is loving and caring, so wtf do I do. Pls share your thoughts with me? Thank you

@Mally100 I'm the one with active mental health issues, he has a diagnoses that no longer plays into his life due to treatment. My children are healthy happy children, I do not expose them to my illnesses. If I become too unwell their dad may keep them for a short while whilst I recover, just because someone has mental health issues it doesn't mean that they shouldn't have children. I love them more than anything and they're literally the only reason I'm still alive, without them I would left this earth a long time ago, so everything I do I do for them

Hmm a lot of red flags there OP. I don't know if it's because I've been in a similar situation but I would say consider leaving.

This is a ridiculous thread. He didn't need to be at a monthly scan. He can't just get in from work and go straight to sleep. It's entirely understandable to not operate on four hours sleep unless you absolutely have to - and someone not wanting to do this when they don't have to doesn't mean they won't when they do have to.

You've missed lots of red flags here which you probably are not going to see anyway.

@BEAM123
I agree his shifts play a big part in this problem, since he's said about changing to morning shift, I suggested he trial it for a week before the baby comes just to see how he'd get on with it before being completely tied to it, I don't want him to be stuck in something he hates!
Due to his situation this is the first time he's entered work, he's not a loser at all, if I listed all the things he's been through you'd think I'm making it up it's so bad, so he's doing things he never thought he would be having and holding down a job, having a family and looking at moving out from his current situation and being completely independent.
The morning issue is an issue, and I find it hard to believe things he says now because I feel he's let me down twice, due to my own mh issues I have a very black and white view of the world and I find it hard to trust anyone because I've never been able to trust anyone in my life, like you say I had a bad start too.. but Cus he's a grumpy dick in the mornings I really don't think he's going to be a lousy dad. I do know him even if no one thinks I do 😅 I just don't know within myself how easy I'm going to find it to forgive the situation.

Everyone's saying walk away, and if that's what turns out to be best for the children then that's what I will do as they're 100% my priority, I just wondered if anyone had thoughts on working though it but I don't think they do, I don't think I'll truly know how things will be until baby is here

@YRGAM I totally understand that, but it's once a month. Since he was so upset and missed one before he promised that it wouldn't happen again, the thing I'm struggling with is feeling like I can't believe what he says now. If he has said to be before hand, I probs won't come to this one if that's okay Cus bla bla bla I would've said ok, but he'd made a big thing about it and then decided on the morning that he was too tired.. it's the let down that I'm so hurt by. Everyone's reaction to this is leave.. what would you do?

I’m going to go against the grain here. A person working day shift doesn’t come home from work at 6pm and go to bed at 7pm, you need some down time, some time to relax before going to bed.

I worked in hospitality and on finishing a shift at midnight I was lucky to be in bed for 3 am.

However he does need to buck up his ideas or I’d be leaving him.

Hi OP I have to comment on this thread as you’re getting a bit of a pile on.

You sound to me like you’ve got a good grounded approach to what you want and what needs to be done - and you should trust your judgment in this.

Believe me people can change and significantly! I have seen it in my longish life.
I would honestly give him a chance to show that he can step up when the baby comes.

You're not listening regarding the shift change being unnecessary. Currently him getting in at say 10.30 and being up until 2am could work very well IF he would tend to the baby responsibly within those hours and you could sleep.

So would he?

Or would he be drinking / gaming etc? In which case a shift change isn't going to help how useless he's going to he to you.

My only advice is to not let this guy move in with you, stay living separately and keep your financial independence. You need to let him do what ever he wants now and focus on you and the baby. He's an arsehole for not going to the 20 week scan. My partner was excited for weeks to go to it and nothing would have kept him away

You’re thinking of splitting from your baby’s father because he didn’t attend a couple of scans? When he works into the night? Disrupting your existing children’s lives? They have an adult figure in their lives who you say they are very fond of but you want to throw the towel in because he was tired and didn’t get up? I think the pair of you need to have some serious discussion about your lives together and how you can make it work. Do you love each other? Do you treat each other with respect? Do you want the commitment and compromise involved in a proper relationship? If the answers are all nos, then kick him into touch and try to make your home calm and stable for your children. If yes, then stop throwing your toys out.

@Subbaxeo no not at all, I don't want to throw anything away, as I've said in previous comments this is one issue and he really is a great person and partner and I believe he'll be a great dad! I am worried that I won't be able to forgive him for letting us down and breaking my trust, that's my main concern, what if i can't believe him Cus I'm always thinking well you've said that before.. but I suppose that's my own demons. We're thinking of how we can try change the morning problem, not sure if you read but i mentioned him trying out the morning shift 6-2 to see if that helps with his overall pattern and if so that could work, I don't believe that if someone was in a marriage they'd give up so easily and just get a divorce? I don't know, I want things to be better, I'm just willing to do what's necessary if that doesn't happen. The majority vote here is that he's a shit person and walk away but he really isn't, I certainly have my own flaws, we all do.. But he really has to show me that I can rely on him

I agree with @Subbaxeo , although I’d probably have been a bit more gentle about it. 😁

“he treats my kids like his own, he provides for all of us without a single complaint, he’ll do anything I ask, he takes good care of us and is loving and caring”

“they run up and hug him and tell him they love him”

“he's a good person, he's a good partner”

“a good and caring man,”

“everything about him has shown me that he'll be a great father,”

@romdowa totally agree, that's why I haven't moved him in before baby arrives, one big change at a time is enough.. I'm more than happy for him to live with me and it's been our plan all along! But it just made sense to me to let him adjust to baby first. It's a shame he's let me down, I thought he'd never wanna miss a scan and he says he doesn't so I don't know why he's done it again

I find it bizarre that you think living with somebody is a bigger step than having a baby with somebody!

@Speakingofdinosaurs thank you!! I do feel like I drowning a bit here 😂 it's okay, I asked and everyone is allowed to have their opinion so no worries, it's actually helped because although I agree he really did mess up and needs to make changes, my instinct is still to defend him.. I suppose that speaks for itself too.

He really is a good person, it's hard when people only know snippets, it people knew the person he used to be you'd never ever believe he is who he is now, he never thought he'd even live this long let alone have a job, a family and a home.

Like I said my main issue is if I can forgive him and then rely on his word again as he's shown me broken trust, but a huge part of that is down to my own issues. I truly hope he bucks up his ideas when baby comes, I think knowing baby is coming and then holding your baby are two completely different things, especially for dads who don't bond for 9 months being pregnant like mums do, so if anything is going to show me what to do next it's that, and deep down I do think he'll sort himself out.. it's just a shame this hurt has been caused in the process

@Mortimercat I don't think it's a bigger step, I just think it's also a big step and why do both in one go, baby being born is way bigger

Sorry, yes, I should have been kinder.I know it’s nice to have you both at the scans so you can experience seeing your baby together. However, don’t see this as a breach of trust. Cheating, stealing from you, being mean to your children are breaches of trust. Being enthusiastic about going to a hospital appointment and then ducking out because he’s tired and hasn’t had enough sleep-while annoying-is not. Certainly nothing to break up a family over. We’ve all agreed to do things and then ducked out for whatever reason. Can you not sit down and really listen to each other and try to understand each other’s point of view? Can you rearrange early appointments for later so it fits in with his work life pattern? If not, can you cut him some slack and let him sleep then share it with him later? Best wishes.

My husband works till 11pm, comes home, eats, catches up with me, winds down so often we don’t go to bed till 1am. He still gets up in the mornings though with our baby. That’s just life. Obviously I do as much as I can, but he’s a good dad and wants to parent his child.

Exactly !! The ops thinking is so messed up and she doesn't even see that. Someone needs to adjust to their own baby before they can live with the baby, yet is apparently a fantastic father figure to the two other children?! So messed up.

I think the fact he's rubbish in the mornings is a bit of a distraction here because that's not really the issue.

The problem is that he wasn't prepared to do something which was inconvenient for him. Getting up earlier when he hates mornings was an inconvenience. I wouldn't expect him to do it every day, but it won't kill him to be a bit tired on one day. And I say this as someone who HATES mornings with a passion. I also need my sleep. And I also rarely go to sleep before 2-3am. So I understand his perspective. You still need to get your arse out of bed occasionally when shit needs doing. Baby scans aren't "monthly" as some PP suggested. They're a big deal - or at least they were to everyone I know. Him refusing to come with you again OP signals the fact that he's not willing to do anything which means that he has to make a compromise - and that's the issue.

And I hate to stick the boot in but in addition to having a man who won't do anything which is inconvenient for him, there's also the facts that:

*You have "active" mental health problems
*You don't live together and never have (therefore don't know each other well enough - that really does only come with living together day in, day out)
*Only been together a year and a half
*You have existing children to care for
*He is/was is in residence which is part of supported living and is under the care of mental health services
*Due to his history of mental health issues/supported living, he's only just in his first job in his mid-twenties

None of this means he can't be a good parent, same as your mental health issues don't stop you being a good mum. But it does make things a hell of a lot harder and when you combine it all together - big yikes.

I'm sure your baby will be very loved but given all of the above, you have some serious hurdles to overcome, whatever you decide to do. Reading through your comments, I'm not convinced you realise exactly what a mountain there is to climb. Wishing you the best of luck.

@Subbaxeo thankyou for your point of view, genuinely, it's actually helpful to hear a perspective that's not my own Cus it's hard to see past your own beliefs. You're right we've all ducked out of things, I'm sure I have too! I think I'm so hung up on feeling let down but perhaps i should consider his pattern a bit more, for the next scan I'm happy to say you don't have to come because it's early.. feel like if we communicate that before hand then I don't feel like it's a big deal if he doesn't come. As for the trust thing, very much a reflection on myself there, if I can't believe you Cus you went against your word you've shown me your word is unreliable so then how can I trust you if that makes sense? Yeah, a conversation is deffo needed perhaps to discuss realistic expectations and how to handle some things. I honestly think it would've made a world of difference if he has said to me babe, I'm actually super tired do you mind if I don't make it.. rather than being all tired and grumpy and saying no. I'm sleeping. I'm not coming. Communication is key! Or maybe I'm just being extra 😂 like I say I'm deffo not perfect either haha

@Mally100 no.. he couldn't move right in because of his situation, he is only just now being able to do so, which happens to be around the time baby is due, so since baby is coming why not let that happen first and then move rather than doing 2 stressful things at once. It's not like I said you can't move in until after baby and that was our plan, the living was just external circumstances

Hmm. It sounds like he's had a very hard start in life - brought up in case, in supported living at the age of 26 - so the fact that he's working and holding down a relationship is good. Does he have a support worker he could talk to about this, op?

Been married for 42 years and believe me there have been lots of ups & downs & let downs, mainly revolving around his drinking.
(I obviously have not been a complete saint either! 😁)

And then when the kids were around 7 & 10 I decided that although he was the most wonderful man in lots of ways, gentle, loving, supportive, hard working etc I would no longer put up with his drinking so he would have to choose - drink or family life.

He chose family life. He stopped drinking completely and has never looked back 22 odd years ago now.

People can change if the risk is great enough and they want to badly enough.