Missed scan, broken trust, I don't know what to do

[jokerflowers]

Sorry if this turns out to be a bit long, I’ll try keep it short.
My partner and I have been together a year and a half, there’s been feelings there longer than that, and we’re very happy together. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who I co parent with their dad. They love my partner, they have a fantastic relationship. In 8 weeks time I’m due our first child together, couldn’t be more excited. Anyway, the problem is, my partner is a massive asshole in the mornings. He has a shit routine, we both feel unwell a lot in the mornings, dunno why, just always been that way, but he’s just a dick! I’ve spoken about it in depth before, he can be snappy, moody, or simply walk off and go sleep in my kids room if they’re at their dads and I’m getting up (we don’t currently live together but he stays over) anyway, because of this he missed our 20 weeks scan. It was a huge deal! I couldn’t believe it, because he was tired and moody and didn’t wanna get up. I was obvs extremely upset by that, and he immediately regretted it, cried, felt shit about it and whatever. I’m 32 weeks now and having monthly scans at the hospital still, I had one this week and yep, you guessed it.. HE DID IT AGAIN! I was FURIOUS this time I woke him and said we have to go and he said no I’m sleeping. I said oh okay you’re not gunna feel bad like before? He said no. I screamed at him to get out my house by the time I’m back and left, Cus I was so hurt, I went alone. Needless to say this has caused huge issues, it’s made me loose trust in him, see him differently, and frankly loose faith in him as a father.. and I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him if he acts like that when baby is here he won’t be involved, simple, I don’t need that and baby doesn’t need to be let down. I’ve done it twice before and I can raise this baby on my own if I have to, so prioritising the children isn’t a problem. What’s worse is he’s over the moon about this baby!! We’ve both had shit starts in life, so he never thought he’d have his own family and that’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, it’s not like he doesn’t love our child. My friend seems to think I should consider breaking up, I have thought about it, but I also wonder what do people do if you’re in a different situation? What if you’re married? People try to make it work right? I don’t know. He says he’s sorry, has no defense, trust me when I say I’ve been brutal. There’s no part of me that’s nice to him right now, at the moment I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this. What’s worse is outside of this he’s a great partner, he treats my kids like his own, he provides for all of us without a single complaint, he’ll do anything I ask, he takes good care of us and is loving and caring, so wtf do I do. Pls share your thoughts with me? Thank you

@SpidersAreShitheads I see all your points, thank you for putting them across nicely unlike a fair few of these comments 😅

He is late starting in life like you say with work and that, but that's a lot of that has been circumstances, he's not being lazy or anything, and thankfully he's been committed to his job and working hard to he can provide for us as his family.

Mental health issues are deffo more my issue than his now unfortunately, you're right it deffo does make it harder sometimes. I'm a good parent, but it's not always without its challenges.

And the living situation, it's not been choice up until this point, he does stay over most of the week and is always here but I can see his just that maybe isn't ideal and we will be changing that as long as everything is okay when baby arrives

I don't have long now, before I know it he'll be here and that'll be his chance to step up.. or not

@bloodyunicorns the fact that he is here now and doing what he's doing is literally unbelievable to him, he's beat every odd he's ever been given! He does have some support yeah, thankfully he's been helped a lot with in his lifetime therapy etc and it's helped him immensely

And who will take the baby if you become to unwell?

You already had more than enough children.

@Speakingofdinosaurs this!!! This is exactly what I wanted to know, and why I said well if we were married would it be different? To make a marriage work surely you have to work hard through the ups and downs, would everyone be telling you to just walk away then if this was your post? I feel like a lot more of the replies would be focused on problem solving instead of walking away.. and that's what I want to do because I do know that we can be a happy family, but like you I'm willing to prioritise the children. I think he's sort of shitting himself now because he's been hit with a reality check win I've told him all this, so now is his chance to choose just like you did, thank you for the glimmer of hope amongst this sea of negativity 😅 and I'm glad it all worked out for you! Xx

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim this is nothing to do with my mental health, my coping mechanisms and support or lack of are not the topic of conversation. If I become unwell then of course his dad will be stepping in or I will go to my mothers for support, I've lived this long with children, I'm not checking out any time soon, so be being around to take care of the baby is not in question. As for more than enough, that's your opinion, I'm entitled to have a different one and want more if I do

Exactly

It's just an absolute Farce.
Such little thought and planning put in

He couldn't move in now? So why for the love of God plan a baby first. Do that after. And if it be 5 years down the line oh well.

I don't really see the big deal in the order of moving in, I get that it used to be traditional to grow up, move in, get a dog, get married then have children at 30 but I don't feel like that's the way anymore, I literally know no one that has done that 😅 nothing wrong with it, but having children younger and in different situations is more and more common. He WILL be moving in with me, he stays here most of the week and is always here unless he's at work, he sometimes goes home to sleep and that's all, it's not like we never see each other

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim forgot to tag you in my below reply

The point of moving in with someone first is so you can see if you are compatible with living together before you tie yourself down with children. If you had tried living together first, you would have realised how awful he is in the mornings, and it might have made you think twice about going for a baby with him. It's not tradition, it's common sense.

Not least if you have children already. It’s fair to them, and the new boyfriend, to see if you can create a healthy, happy, peaceful dynamic before adding more upheaval to their lives. But maybe it’s cooler to throw all usual precautions to the wind, I wouldn’t know.

This

He WILL be moving in with me, he stays here most of the week and is always here unless he's at work, he sometimes goes home to sleep and that's all, it's not like we never see each other

Be sure to check if the current arrangement affects your single person council tax as I know of someone who had their partner stay over for I think five nights a week somehow ended up in trouble re council tax as it was deemed to be the partner's main residence as he slept there so many nights each week. You can get a hefty fine so worth looking into this.

As for the trust thing, very much a reflection on myself there, if I can't believe you Cus you went against your word you've shown me your word is unreliable so then how can I trust you if that makes sense?

It makes perfect sense to me @jokerflowers and I can see why it's knocked you. Being unrealiable is a big deal and I hope he now realises that. What are his plans when baby arrives, how are you going to share childcare, and how does he think he'll cope with the sleep disruption that comes with babies? If he talks a good talk then you can remind him that he's gone back on his word twice now so how can you trust he'll do what he says.

As for the shift work and sleep, how's his sleep hygiene? Shift work can be really bad for getting enough or getting good quality sleep which can really affect how we feel. Here's a useful site that might help

You come across as painfully naive and immature. The issues you have mow are solely down to your lack of thought and while you may think it is you suffering when you're up shit creek. It's not it's the kids.

He sounds useless. It is easy to be a perfect partner if you have few responsibilities and don't live with someone. He is showing you that he can't or won't put himself out. He couldn't be arsed to get up. The stuff he says after is just to get you to back down. If he couldn't get up at 8 in the morning for an important appointment how will he get up when the baby is crying or needs attention? He obviously won't. I would put money on him deciding to keep his own place.

@CandidaAlbicans2
Since we sort of have a routine of when he stays anyway, comes over after work etc into days off or whatever, that will continue.. as I said he's gunna trial doing the 6am-2pm shift before baby comes so he's experienced it, and then I think he will be able to make an informed decision on what will work best for him once our sleep is affected. I think that being worn out by a baby may actually help force him into a bit of an earlier pattern Cus of course he'll be exhausted 😅 as did nights, i predominately handled those with my others because I wanted to and because I was breast feeding, so as long as he's on hand if I need him I'm more than happy to take the brunt of that, that's just what works best for me and since he's the one working could support him into getting a bit of a better rest at night too! And with baby's, he's one of 9 with a million little ones around him when he was growing up haha, so he's experienced disrupted nights etc before. Not the same i know, but he's been around some baby care is all I'm saying.. sadly sleep has always been an issue for us both anyway, I have insomnia and NOTHING helps with it 😭 his sleep is slightly better than mine but still never been great

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim no.. my kids are not suffering. That is not a judgement you can make without knowing my children at all, my children are fine

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim trust me when I say I know what suffering is. My entire childhood and into adulthood was nothing but pure suffering at the hands of those around me. They are not suffering

I was thinking this. BUT a scan is important.

@Sswhinesthebest agreed! It's just the fact that the scan was important, and he could've communicated better to me that morning that he needed to rest more instead. Trialing the morning shift to see if that works better for him, so we're trying to problem solve

I think you need to face the fact that having a baby is ultimately very stressful. I honestly don't see how you can think he will be a great parent. Being nice to grown up children on a part time basis that your partner has is not in any way the same as caring for a newborn or a toddler. I think you do sound naive about the challenges this baby and relationship will bring. I would also have thought twice about having a new baby if I had active mental health issues. Attending a scan is easy even if you are tired. It is nothing. Getting out of bed for the third time because a baby won't settle is difficult. Your partner can't do the easy stuff yet.

@cansu I appreciate your opinion and you sharing it whether I agree or not, it's good to have an outside perspective, however I don't believe that having mental health issues is a reason for me to think twice. Does that mean I'm not entitled to the same life as everyone else? My issues aren't my fault, they were literally created from abuse that I had no choice in.. I shouldn't be punished as an adult because of that too. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't be here, all I wanted with my own life was to be the mother that I never had to children of my own, and think despite my struggles I do a great job of that.

So you have 2 kids and are having a baby with a man you dont live with, got pregnant after less than a year together and are defending to high heaven your poor choices

No the world doesnt need people to get married and continue to perpetuate that 2.4 children and picket fenced
s are the norm but own your dysfunctional situation for what it is and consider your kids in all this

@Figgygal what I'm defending is that my children aren't in a situation of suffering, that is all. The living situation I have explained, I haven't said that's right or wrong, simply tried to explain why it is the way it is. It's totally okay for you to have a different or harsh opinion, I completely respect that, I'm in no way trying to claim that I haven't done things perfectly of that I am perfect, not one bit.. perhaps I should've waited longer, perhaps things won't work out, perhaps I'll be surprised and he'll get his backside into gear once baby comes and be the best dad ever, I can't say. I've just asked for thoughts on my struggles with forgiveness given the situation, that's all