How to handle teens moving towards being sexually active?

[JCWildWest]

My DD is 16 and as a BF also 16. They have become very close, I've had 'the chat' with her some weeks ago. We discussed, boundaries, consent, respect, coming to me if she needs help getting contraception etc. She reassured me it was not on the agenda at the time but that she would talk to me. We laid down some ground rules at the time of things like if he comes over they need to have he door open etc. I also asked her to not have him over if no one is home.

She is currently on study leave finishing the last of her GCSEs, I work flexibly from home and office so sometimes I'm here in the day but also there are days when there is no one home and she is on her own from 8-6pm. I have again reiterated she is not to have him over when no one is home. It came to my attention last week she might still be having people over when no one is home (extra mess) and so I have again laid down the rules. I also made an effort to work from home more to monitor, but I can't always do this.

Today, I have checked her phone whilst she was out sitting an exam and have found messages between her and BF plotting when they are going to have sex and that it will be when I am next working at the office and no one is home.

I am livid that she is planning on actively breaking the rules. So she will be punished no doubt about that, I am thinking phone confiscated and grounded. But I'm also so worried she is rushing into sex and hasn't felt she can talk to me.

I know I can't stop them and as long as they are safe, I can accept it as it's one of those things that will happen. And I would prefer she was on her own territory where she may feel safe. But this has come on very suddenly, she's gone from a very quiet unsociable teen to this in a matter of weeks.

She's my only child, so I've got no experience, other than my own. Which is my parents didn't speak to me about it and I ended up sneaking around, and actually ended up getting pregnant at 16 with DD.

Has anyone got any pointers or experiences how they have dealt with girls this age and their first dalliances?

I am furious though as to the lying and plotting going on behind my back though and I need to deal with that. But I'm unsure on how to as I know that coming down hard might force her into doing more behind my back and potentially in an unsafe environment.

Thanks

Honestly it sounds like she is being a very typical 16yr old and If she knows you looked at her phone she will feel very betrayed. I would have been mortified if my mum had looked at anything private like that at 16. If I were you I would keep focusing on keeping conversations open and access to contraception

I think you have handled it well so far. I suppose they want definite privacy rather than knowing you are in the house. So I wouldnt be punishing her.

You know they are planning this so the focus needs to be very good contraception - pill (possibly) and definitely condoms. Do you have any suspicion that she is being forced or manipulated?

I am not quite there with my DC (similar age) but we are not far off.

If she is going to have sex then there’s nothing you can do to stop her, if it’s not in your house, it will be somewhere else. I was having sex at 15 and never went to my parents to discuss it, I used condoms and then went on the pill myself. You’ve discussed the importance of consent and contraception and I’m sure if she wants to discuss it further she will.

I think you're being really unfair. Punishing her!?
She is of legal age and it is with a boyfriend in her own home which is safe.
I understand it is hard that she growing up but she sounds very mature about it. Much better than being 14 and having sex in a field! You need to relax. You've had all the right chats but you're very close to pushing her away by looking at her phone and punishing her for rule breaking.

You do know she can legally have sex? And can leave home?.
Not allowing people round without you there is a bit controlling...

I agree with the PP’s, focus on the conversation on contraception and consent, because if they want to have sex, they will.

I’ve had similar conversations with my DD (17) and I accept that this is the limit of my control, tbh. So far so good with DD.

"...Today, I have checked her phone whilst she was out sitting an exam..." and I bet she will be furious that you checked her phone and read her private messages! I'm a bit gobsmacked by your post to be honest. she is 16. she is legally able to consent as is her boyfriend. rather than trying to stop them having sex (which with teens is going to a bit like bailing out the titanic with a tin cup) why not make sure that she is safe and protected by buying some condoms, suggesting she speak to her GP about contraception etc. they are going to have sex so you have to decide, welcome this into your home or risk them going somewhere else? She isnt your best friend she is your daughter and shouldnt have to give you a blow by blow account of her life and definately not her sex life. I really think you need to relook at your house rules and be realistic. talk of grounding and phone confiscation isnt really conducive to a good relationship with a teen in my experience.

Punishing her?? If you ever want to be her confidant and have her feel she can turn to you this is not the way to go about it.

I think you can put obstacles in a teenager's way, but if they're determined then they're going to do it. I wouldn't admit that you've looked at her phone, I would carry on as normal. You might find once she's done the deed, that is the time she wants to talk to you so don't shut down communication.
Stop checking her phone - it's does no good for you or her. She's entitled to privacy, and what you see may cause you to worry anyway.
I would never have talked to my mother about sex, and maybe your daughter feels the same (despite your best efforts!) so think about whether she's got other older women who she can go to and whether she has a way of contacting them without involving you - maybe your friends or her friends' mothers?
Another thing to do is create a link between you and the boyfriend's parents now in case there is a problem, so you can check whether you're all on the same page re rules and also to stop the kids playing you off against each other. Invite them over for a drink or something social.
Other than that, you've done your best. All you can do is keep your fingers crossed that all the sensible stuff you've taught her sticks as she goes out into the world.

I think you need to step back - plotting, furious etc is very over top.
You are saying come to me but then treating her like she’s a younger child - checking phone and banning her from having friends at home.
She’s going to do it - it’s safer at home than in a park etc.
You’ve said yourself upshot of sneaking around.
I’d suggest she might want to go to a clinic to have a chat about contraception options - better be prepared not I read your phone know you are planning to conversation. Is there a Brook advisory near you.

Not the main point, but is she not allowed friends over when you’re not there, or just the boyfriend?

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Seriously, do not punish her, do not get into confrontation with her. How is that going to help her - or your relationship with her?

For myself, I'd be reiterating my mantra, 'two, count them TWO forms of contraception, one of them being a condom', talking about consent again, and also, having a discussion about your personal take on the 'what if', of her getting pregnant.

My thing was, 'please don't have sex in the house with your sister here, because your sister has one hell of an 'ick' about sex', please protect yourself from STI's, and pregnancy, and remember you're not just having sex with him, you're potentially exposing yourself to every one of their previous partner, if you don't use condoms, remember it takes two enthusiastic yeses, and nobody should ever feel they have to do anything that they don't want to'.

What is important here, is your daughter's wellbeing, and your ongoing relationship with your daughter.

If she wants to have sex with her boyfriend, you cannot seriously expect to be involved in the planning.

What she has done (planned to have sex whilst house is empty, in a decent relationship) is overall sensible, as long as she's considered birth control.

I don't think you should confess to reading her messages. That is quite an invasion of privacy. I know that my 16yo would be very upset about that. I do know (because 16yo told me) that this kind of sex planning is totally normal and many 16yos are currently planning it. I think really that you should be thankful that she was sensible enough to wait until the exams finished. She could have used her study leave for sex.

Tell her one more time that if she needs contraception you will help her sort it. Otherwise what's going on is normal.

Your poor dd

I would have been absolutely livid if my parents went through my phone at 14 let alone 16!!!

You cannot stop her having sex.

My DD did this and she was actually a bit younger than yours.

DD has the contraceptive implant. I would recommend.

I get it, OP. You had a child at 16 and don’t want that for her.

You couldn’t talk to your parents. You say that’s part of it.

What do you think will happen when she finds out you read her messages, and punish her on top?!

Don't alienate her. She’s 16. It’s legal. Planning it with contraception is far better than a random shag with no contraception.

My mantra to DD is that she’s at the most fertile time on her life so unprotected sex just once could result in pregnancy.

She also came along a year earlier than planned (and I was in my early 30’s) so she knows it can happen!

Punishing her
Reading her messages
FFS get a grip

One sure way to totally screw up your relationship with her is to punish her for doing something totally normal (plan to have sex in an empty house with her boyfriend) and to snoop through her phone! If you tell her you've read her messages, you will totally lose any trust.

I understand it must be weird knowing your child is about to embark on a sexual relationship, but she's 16 and it sounds as if you've had sensible chats. Beyond that, you really need to back off.

My DD is 16 .. I wouldn’t dream of going through her phone. You have to start to trust them to do the right thing, and make sure they feel confident enough to be able to approach you with any problems or issues they may have.

DD told me she was gay last week .. so boys are not on our agenda

Please don't be furious, please don't punish your daughter for doing what is very natural and exciting and experimental.

Your 'rules' re already quite strict - keeping the door open etc. Of course they are going to find a way in which to be together. I did, 45 years ago. And it was all OK and fine. The important things are to support your dd in establishing firm boundaries, helping her to value her own sexuality, and making sure that she uses relaible contraception.

wow, poor DD. She’s not plotting behind your back. She’s 16, she can have sex without talking to you about it first. That’s her decision. You shouldn’t be looking through her phone. How awful.

no wonder she’s kept it from you.

I understand your concern, however

• she is 16. Even if she's 18 and I'm a bad relationship you can't just forbid sex. It's simply out of your hands.
• at least it's a boyfriend and she is equally up for it, hopefully no pressure

You've given her good advice. Try not to think about it and don't break the trust by letting on that you snooped.

I would be annoyed too about rule breaking and worried about a relationship so long, but what can you realistically do? Keep a good relationship with her

Op it is dm's like you that make dd's like me leave home at 17...

I have a DD 18 and DS 17 both are / have been sexually active. I was young once and sneaked around behind my parents back, it is what teenagers do and what I have expected mine to do (rightly or wrongly I am not naive enough to believe otherwise) . I have spoken to them about consent, respect, contraception etc. They know my door is always open with any questions / problems, I am very open about sex and do not embarrass easily (must be the nurse in me). That is where I leave it, you were very out of order to be checking her phone. All you will achieve is her not talking to you and pushing her away.