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Original poster

How to handle teens moving towards being sexually active?

101 replies

JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 12:51

My DD is 16 and as a BF also 16. They have become very close, I've had 'the chat' with her some weeks ago. We discussed, boundaries, consent, respect, coming to me if she needs help getting contraception etc. She reassured me it was not on the agenda at the time but that she would talk to me. We laid down some ground rules at the time of things like if he comes over they need to have he door open etc. I also asked her to not have him over if no one is home.

She is currently on study leave finishing the last of her GCSEs, I work flexibly from home and office so sometimes I'm here in the day but also there are days when there is no one home and she is on her own from 8-6pm. I have again reiterated she is not to have him over when no one is home. It came to my attention last week she might still be having people over when no one is home (extra mess) and so I have again laid down the rules. I also made an effort to work from home more to monitor, but I can't always do this.

Today, I have checked her phone whilst she was out sitting an exam and have found messages between her and BF plotting when they are going to have sex and that it will be when I am next working at the office and no one is home.

I am livid that she is planning on actively breaking the rules. So she will be punished no doubt about that, I am thinking phone confiscated and grounded. But I'm also so worried she is rushing into sex and hasn't felt she can talk to me.

I know I can't stop them and as long as they are safe, I can accept it as it's one of those things that will happen. And I would prefer she was on her own territory where she may feel safe. But this has come on very suddenly, she's gone from a very quiet unsociable teen to this in a matter of weeks.

She's my only child, so I've got no experience, other than my own. Which is my parents didn't speak to me about it and I ended up sneaking around, and actually ended up getting pregnant at 16 with DD.

Has anyone got any pointers or experiences how they have dealt with girls this age and their first dalliances?

I am furious though as to the lying and plotting going on behind my back though and I need to deal with that. But I'm unsure on how to as I know that coming down hard might force her into doing more behind my back and potentially in an unsafe environment.

Thanks

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 20/06/2022 16:43

OP the ONLY thing for you to do next is buy your daughter a job lot of condoms.

16 is not rushing into sex, and she sounds like a sensible girl.

altmember · 20/06/2022 16:52

Buy a large pack of condoms. Give half to DD. Then pull her bf aside and give him the other half. Tell him if he impregnates her or gives her the clap you'll have his balls for breakfast.

Then get yourself a bf and have lots of noisy sex in the house. That should put them off for a bit. 😂

And whatever you do, do not let her find out you've been through her messages.

Shortbread49 · 20/06/2022 17:42

I don’t think you should invade her privacy my mother used to snoop in my room and I moved out because of it, once called me horrendous names because she found some black underwear I was 19 and still a virgin

Original poster
JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 18:12

Thanks everyone for the insight. I know I shouldn't have snooped on her phone, and I won't again, I just had a gut feeling something was going on.

I'm honestly not the tyrant some of you seem to think I am. I'm glad that some of got and understood how odd it's been to have a teen over the past couple of years. It's like they've been on pause, and she's very suddenly growing up and acting her age, it's hard to keep up with that. I take the point about the rules being more for a 14 year old, I haven't got up to speed with her yet.

I also take the points about me projecting my own worries from being a teen mum onto her, she is her own person, and has definitely got her head more screwed on than I did at that age.

We are going to go for a walk tonight, and I'm just going to gently discuss getting her in at the GP asap and try and get her to lead on what she would like in terms of when BF is over at our house. I won't be mentioning the phone snooping.

PPs are right, its good that they are discussing and planning rather than it being spur of the moment or forced. I do worry that BF is moving away this summer and she will not be able to see him past then (100s of miles away) so I think they are pressuring themselves due to time constraints. And the heartbreak when he leaves is just going to be all the more immense.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 20/06/2022 18:14

They are both above the age of consent. It's not your business to police your daughter's sex life.

EarthSight · 20/06/2022 18:19

Which is my parents didn't speak to me about it and I ended up sneaking around, and actually ended up getting pregnant at 16 with DD

The only thing you can do here is emphasises how important contraception and not to risk anything like the pull-out method.

I think your experience might make you be in danger of acting like a smother-mother. A mother who makes her child (or teen) feel like they are not entitled to any privacy at all. Anything they do without the parent knowing is painted as something salacious (I note your use of the word 'plotting').

But this has come on very suddenly, she's gone from a very quiet unsociable teen to this in a matter of weeks

What is 'this' exactly? Is she hanging around with hooligans, or has she found a group of people that she likes and she is growing in her confidence?

Today, I have checked her phone whilst she was out sitting an exam and have found messages between her and BF plotting when they are going to have sex and that it will be when I am next working at the office and no one is home

Please don't let her know that. She will remember for a long time.

hasn't felt she can talk to me

Is it possible, just maybe, that she doesn't want to discuss her sex plans with her mother?? Many teens would find it mortifying!! Would you want to talk about your sex life with your daughter? You might think the situation is different, but for her, she might not want to share this information with you, or her plans, which she knows you'll disprove of. I think 16 years old is too young for sex, but legally, she is now allowed to have a sex life.

I am furious though as to the lying and plotting going on behind my back though and I need to deal with that. But I'm unsure on how to as I know that coming down hard might force her into doing more behind my back and potentially in an unsafe environment

I totally understand why you'd be concerned she was being pressured into this, but I'm afraid she is entitled to do things 'behind your back'. It's called developing some autonomy from your parent. She is very very young, but she's not 8 years old.

I think the more you frame this as 'plotting', the more it might lead you into making some mistakes which will make her secretive for a long time.

GrinAndVomit · 20/06/2022 18:23

She’s sixteen. You need to learn boundaries and give her some respect and autonomy. Don’t read her messages anymore. She will never come to speak to you about anything if you continue this behaviour.

EarthSight · 20/06/2022 18:28

I'll be having a chat with her tonight and organising a GP appointment, I'd like her to at least wait until she's on some form of contraception

I assume this going to be hormonal contraception? Please think twice about that OP. It's baffling how people think that pumping artificial hormones into developing girls is a fabulous idea. It raises your SHBG which binds the free and total levels of testosterone in your body, which women need for their mental and emotional wellbeing.

Endogal · 20/06/2022 18:31

HitsAndMrs · 20/06/2022 13:04

I think you're being really unfair. Punishing her!?
She is of legal age and it is with a boyfriend in her own home which is safe.
I understand it is hard that she growing up but she sounds very mature about it. Much better than being 14 and having sex in a field! You need to relax. You've had all the right chats but you're very close to pushing her away by looking at her phone and punishing her for rule breaking.

This!!

MacmillanMO · 20/06/2022 18:40

So you’ve discussed consent and contraception with her. But when she tries to work out where and when to have sex, suddenly she’s plotting behind your back. Where do you want her to have sex, OP? A bus shelter?
I know how hard it is when your kids become sexually active, I’ve been through it with 3 of mine. But I think you need to lighten up a bit. It’s only sex. Much, much worse things happen (hopefully not to you or yours).

Shortbread49 · 20/06/2022 18:43

Although if he is moving away she would be better not doing anything as it will be more upsetting when he goes 🥲

Sparkletastic · 20/06/2022 18:44

Back off and stop being so weird and intrusive. Once you've had the chat about contraception and enthusiastic consent that's your input over. I say this as the mother of 2 teenage DDs.

j712adrian · 20/06/2022 18:47

"broken the rules"?

"punishing"?

Sorry, is this really 1955?

thelastshadowpuppet · 20/06/2022 18:54

Punishing her, yikes.

There is nothing you can do but make sure she protects herself.

I recently had to deal with my 14 year old daughter getting pregnant. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Bayleaf25 · 20/06/2022 19:17

You’ve done the right thing in speaking to her about consent etc.

I would definitely revisit the contraception conversation. I would raise that condoms aren’t 100% reliable and it is better for her to take control of her own situation. Ask her if she’d like you to make her a doctors appointment to discuss the pill or implants etc. She might feel awkward making that appointment but it really needs doing.

Branleuse · 20/06/2022 19:29

RedPlumbob · 20/06/2022 14:16

My Dad was a single parent to me, he worked. My friends weren’t “random teenagers”, he knew them quite well.

Is there a reason you don’t seem to know her friends? It’s a bit odd.

Is it? I dont know my teenagers friends that well. I know some of the ones theyve had for years but thats it. Surely not that odd.

Raow · 20/06/2022 19:46

I think you are getting a hard time about the phone OP. You checked because you felt something was amiss.

it funny how when wives suspect something is amiss with their husbands, checking phones is actively encouraged even if they have done nothing wrong!

Nothing much you can do about the rest other than be there for her when needed!

Lollypop701 · 20/06/2022 20:05

Your initial reaction was fear, which considering your own background is understandable. You came here to get a sound check on your reaction. Don’t look at her phone, it’s not ok but I think you probably realise that. The main thing is to keep lines of communication open, give advice not commands and admit some fears … it’s ok to tell her you want her to have the option of university, girls holidays etc which a baby will not really accommodate. It’s hard accepting them growing up, especially as she missed a couple years of normal time. Good luck op

Scottishgirl85 · 20/06/2022 20:05

How is she meant to develop her relationship if she's not allowed her boyfriend at home when you're not there, and got to leave the door open when you are there?! You're pushing her away.

layladomino · 20/06/2022 20:11

You're getting a hard time on here Op. Yes it's legal to have sex at 16 but that doesn't mean that's what we want for our children. And it doesn't mean everyone has sex at that age. 16 is still a child. It's very understandable to worry that your child is having sex too soon, that they don't understand the potential implications, how would they deal with unwanted pregnancy, are they equipped to cope if they split up afterwards? What if everyone at school gets to know and gossips about it (happened to a friend of mine, it was so damaging)? The possible implications of sex are multiplied if you're still a child, but you're too young to understand that and so are more likely to go in to it naively.

So, I completely understand why you would be concerned. Any loving parent would be. But it's wrong to have gone through her phone. You've had the chat, you've told her she can talk to you. Just encourage her to get good sound contraception in place and to be safe. As we all know, trying to stop a teenager doing something they want to do just drives them underground, which is counter productive. You want her to be open and honest with you, and to trust you. Make sure she knows only to have sex when she 100% wants it, that she can say no at any time, that she shouldn't do it if it's because she thinks 'everyone does it' or he'll dump her if she won't go along with it.

lifecanbehardattimes · 20/06/2022 20:11

If you're not careful you will push her away. She's going to have sex whatever. If you won't allow it in your home she will be out having sex round the back of some dodgy old shops!

PrincessesRUs · 20/06/2022 20:16

Er, to put it kindly, butt out!! When do you want them to have sex? When you're wfh?! Why should she have to discuss it with you first?!

Staryflight445 · 20/06/2022 20:16

JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 18:12

Thanks everyone for the insight. I know I shouldn't have snooped on her phone, and I won't again, I just had a gut feeling something was going on.

I'm honestly not the tyrant some of you seem to think I am. I'm glad that some of got and understood how odd it's been to have a teen over the past couple of years. It's like they've been on pause, and she's very suddenly growing up and acting her age, it's hard to keep up with that. I take the point about the rules being more for a 14 year old, I haven't got up to speed with her yet.

I also take the points about me projecting my own worries from being a teen mum onto her, she is her own person, and has definitely got her head more screwed on than I did at that age.

We are going to go for a walk tonight, and I'm just going to gently discuss getting her in at the GP asap and try and get her to lead on what she would like in terms of when BF is over at our house. I won't be mentioning the phone snooping.

PPs are right, its good that they are discussing and planning rather than it being spur of the moment or forced. I do worry that BF is moving away this summer and she will not be able to see him past then (100s of miles away) so I think they are pressuring themselves due to time constraints. And the heartbreak when he leaves is just going to be all the more immense.

You learn so much from these experiences though, they’re important to go through.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 20/06/2022 20:55

Make sure she knows you support her choices and will help her stay safe.

It will happen. It's better it happens with your knowledge and consent so she can contact you if she needs help.

We had a situation with similar aged child this weekend. They were able to come and ask for help in a difficult situation. Had it been hidden from me they would have gone through this situation alone and feeling judged.

It's better to know and have some control and a voice rather than not to know and have 16 year olds making adult choices without help.

They will really listen to you if they don't feel judged.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/06/2022 12:35

JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 18:12

Thanks everyone for the insight. I know I shouldn't have snooped on her phone, and I won't again, I just had a gut feeling something was going on.

I'm honestly not the tyrant some of you seem to think I am. I'm glad that some of got and understood how odd it's been to have a teen over the past couple of years. It's like they've been on pause, and she's very suddenly growing up and acting her age, it's hard to keep up with that. I take the point about the rules being more for a 14 year old, I haven't got up to speed with her yet.

I also take the points about me projecting my own worries from being a teen mum onto her, she is her own person, and has definitely got her head more screwed on than I did at that age.

We are going to go for a walk tonight, and I'm just going to gently discuss getting her in at the GP asap and try and get her to lead on what she would like in terms of when BF is over at our house. I won't be mentioning the phone snooping.

PPs are right, its good that they are discussing and planning rather than it being spur of the moment or forced. I do worry that BF is moving away this summer and she will not be able to see him past then (100s of miles away) so I think they are pressuring themselves due to time constraints. And the heartbreak when he leaves is just going to be all the more immense.

A walk and talk sounds like a good plan. Mine talks more in car (I.e not face to face)
If she doesn’t fancy speaking to Gp then see if there’s a service locally - Brook Advisory are set up for under 25s.