Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to handle teens moving towards being sexually active?

101 replies

JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 12:51

My DD is 16 and as a BF also 16. They have become very close, I've had 'the chat' with her some weeks ago. We discussed, boundaries, consent, respect, coming to me if she needs help getting contraception etc. She reassured me it was not on the agenda at the time but that she would talk to me. We laid down some ground rules at the time of things like if he comes over they need to have he door open etc. I also asked her to not have him over if no one is home.

She is currently on study leave finishing the last of her GCSEs, I work flexibly from home and office so sometimes I'm here in the day but also there are days when there is no one home and she is on her own from 8-6pm. I have again reiterated she is not to have him over when no one is home. It came to my attention last week she might still be having people over when no one is home (extra mess) and so I have again laid down the rules. I also made an effort to work from home more to monitor, but I can't always do this.

Today, I have checked her phone whilst she was out sitting an exam and have found messages between her and BF plotting when they are going to have sex and that it will be when I am next working at the office and no one is home.

I am livid that she is planning on actively breaking the rules. So she will be punished no doubt about that, I am thinking phone confiscated and grounded. But I'm also so worried she is rushing into sex and hasn't felt she can talk to me.

I know I can't stop them and as long as they are safe, I can accept it as it's one of those things that will happen. And I would prefer she was on her own territory where she may feel safe. But this has come on very suddenly, she's gone from a very quiet unsociable teen to this in a matter of weeks.

She's my only child, so I've got no experience, other than my own. Which is my parents didn't speak to me about it and I ended up sneaking around, and actually ended up getting pregnant at 16 with DD.

Has anyone got any pointers or experiences how they have dealt with girls this age and their first dalliances?

I am furious though as to the lying and plotting going on behind my back though and I need to deal with that. But I'm unsure on how to as I know that coming down hard might force her into doing more behind my back and potentially in an unsafe environment.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 14:19

Thanks everyone for the insights

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 20/06/2022 14:26

I think you want her to treat her as both a parent and a friend here.
As a parent - you discussed safe sex with her, and I presume you can trust her on that.

But you also want her to actively include you on this very personal experience of actually having sex for the first time. This may be discussed with a friend, but it’s not something a teenager would like to involve their parent.

YOU may think she isn’t ready, and maybe your own experience colours your perception. But she thinks she is ready and it is all that matters. She isn’t you, and she is not repeating your pattern. She is just being a teenager and is growing up.

She is lucky she had you to be there for her. Just keep being there for her.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 20/06/2022 14:31

JCWildWest · 20/06/2022 13:53

I'm not sure why it's unreasonable to not have random teenagers going in and out of my house all day when I'm at work. There are a number of reasons for that.

I can understand her want for privacy, she is growing up. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wanted to have some boundaries or rules in place for both of our sakes. And I definitely didn't want these to bent or broken by sneaking around but I guess that's what happens, I know I did the same. But I also feel like having no boundaries or rules isn't a good thing either.

Random? Have you not met her bf before?

Squiff70 · 20/06/2022 14:54

You are being unreasonable. She and her BF are legally able to consent. You've fulfilled your role as a parent by talking with her about boundaries, consent, safe sex and so-on. So what if her first time is in her own home when you're not there? You've said yourself she will likely feel safer. Would you rather they shacked up in some dodgy B&B or down an alley?

You should NOT be checking her phone at 16. That's not acceptable either.

Buy them some condoms and offer to take her to speak to a medical professional about alternative forms of contraception. Offer to go in with her BUT make it crystal clear that you accept she is old enough to make her own decisions about her body and doesn't need to run anything past you (unless she wants to). Do not insist you go in with her.

Aside from that, give her some space. You ate being controlling and whilst you see it as being protective (understandably), you will push her away and give her every reason to believe that she CAN'T come to you for advice.

Allthegoodusernamesareused · 20/06/2022 15:05

She is 16. Having rules about door open when he's round, and not having him round when no one else is home, which are entirely appropriate for 14 or 15 year olds, are a bit controlling now.

You've betrayed her trust by going through her phone. If you punish her now, all you are going to achieve is that she'll double down on her efforts to go behind your back.

Keep the lines of communication open, and be realistic about the fact that two 16 year olds can, and will, have sex if that's what they want to do.

Lookingoutside · 20/06/2022 15:10

She’s 16. Are you ok?

Shaming her in the way that you plan to could impact her for the rest of her life. She needs love and acceptance from you not judgement and her phone confiscated (good luck with that btw).

Wise up OP and try to learn that sex isn’t bad. It isn’t bad to like it, it isn’t bad to have it. They’re consenting teenagers, don’t make her formative sexual experiences traumatic.

daisyjgrey · 20/06/2022 15:19

I am livid that she is planning on actively breaking the rules. So she will be punished no doubt about that, I am thinking phone confiscated and grounded. But I'm also so worried she is rushing into sex and hasn't felt she can talk to me.

Yes I couldn't possibly wonder why she doesn't feel she can talk to you...

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 20/06/2022 15:23

She is 16yo. She wants to have sex with her bf. I’m not sure what you can do about that.

All the punishing, stopping her from having him over etc… just means they’ll find another place to have sex. Probably somewhere not as safe as your house.

I appreciate that with your first child it feels like a big deal. When you will look at it in two years time, you’ll realise that maybe it wasn’t such a huge deal .

Also you’ve done some great work about talking to her, telling her to come and see yd she has some problems etc... I doubt she will do that if you start punishing her tbh. Or reading her messages (aka invading her privacy). Or stopping her from having friends over.

Rememebr at 16yo, she could have a job. If she can be trusted to have a job and be professional, don’t you think she should be trusted for all those other things too?

Dixiechickonhols · 20/06/2022 15:24

I’d focus on positives. He’s a 16 year old lad I.e her age. They are dating. They are communicating not spur of moment pressured/drunk/no contraception.
I do understand where you are coming from re the Covid and it’s as though they have jumped from 14 to 16, mine is same age but she’s still 16 and deserves treating that way.

PeekAtYou · 20/06/2022 15:25

I think yanbu to have hoped that she would discuss and not break "the rules" but it was unrealistic to expect her to follow. It is unusual for kids to tell parents before having sex and I suspect she knows what you'd say if she said that she was ready.

It is a very strange feeling that your child is a sexual being but you have no choice but to accept this.

While I understand why your gut reaction is that she is plotting to break the rules, your home may be the best place for her to have sex.

I think it's time to reconsider the rules and help her sort some contraception. You can't stop this from happening and it will be better if she considers contraception beforehand when she can think clearly. If also buy condoms which is good practice from an STD angle too.

FlowersFlowers

SomePosters · 20/06/2022 15:27

Oh op!

you’ve had some ‘straight talking’ here already so I won’t lay it on thick but folk are right, she’s 16 now… time to stop trying to control her and to step back and let her fly

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 20/06/2022 15:27

Btw it might be hard for you to see hr move from being 14yo to 16yo all in one go, but she won’t have waited for you and covid to carry on growing up.

If she had been wondering if she was gay etc… then she clearly had been thinking about sex and relationships for a while.

Glitternails1 · 20/06/2022 15:28

You invaded her privacy by checking her phone. That’s not on. At least she’s with a bf and he’s the same age as her.

Nevertheless, your Dd needs to go on the pill, get the implant etc. Really drill it into her that you don’t want her to end up as a teen mum.

GreenCard · 20/06/2022 15:32

You really are sending mixed messages.
she sound lovely and mature and the fact that they are discussing when to have sex shows some planning etc.
stop banning her from being in the house alone with Him.
she doesn’t need punishing.
You sound like my mum who said she would support me and to talk to her then when I asked about contraception nearly threw me out the house and grounded me etc. But not with my brother.
let her be a teenager and control her own sexuality.

PeekAtYou · 20/06/2022 15:34

I am livid that she is planning on actively breaking the rules. So she will be punished no doubt about that, I am thinking phone confiscated and grounded. But I'm also so worried she is rushing into sex and hasn't felt she can talk to me.

It's time for another chat but don't tell her that you have read her messages or she'll just start using a method like Snapchat which deletes messages when read and take bigger risks because she'll think why not. Reassure her that if she'd rather not discuss contraception with you in the nurses's room, you'll give her that privacy and that you want her protected for when it happens. You know that in the moment it can be hard to say stop and take a moment to think straight.

I'm not judging you with this next comment but as a teen mum, is it possible that you've spoken to her more about the negatives of sex over the positive? Hope that you take that previous statement in the spirit that I intended.

NewOrleansOrDie · 20/06/2022 15:36

I just caught up,with one of my 'baby group' friends last week who I haven't seen since before covid. Our 'babies' are 18 and doing their A levels right now.

Before covid my friend was in a similar situation to you and reacted in a similar way. She was up in arms about her dd having a boyfriend and she was coming down on her like a tonne of bricks.

Now her dd has completely moved out of her house. She lives with her boyfriend and his parents and my friend hardly sees her at all. She doesn't even know if she's still going to school or if she's actually doing her A levels this week.

Two years ago our dd's were pretty much on the same track as each other.

PinkFizz1 · 20/06/2022 15:40

HitsAndMrs · 20/06/2022 13:04

I think you're being really unfair. Punishing her!?
She is of legal age and it is with a boyfriend in her own home which is safe.
I understand it is hard that she growing up but she sounds very mature about it. Much better than being 14 and having sex in a field! You need to relax. You've had all the right chats but you're very close to pushing her away by looking at her phone and punishing her for rule breaking.

This!

You checked her phone? And are going to punish her?! For having legal sex with her boyfriend who is also of legal age in the comfort and safety of her own home?!

TokyoTen · 20/06/2022 15:53

I have two DS, both early twenties so some recent relevant experience. Why would you not allow her to have sex in her home? What's so bad about it and where would you prefer to have sex? In some alley or his house or somewhere else perhaps unsafe? She's in a relationship, they are of legal age, provided there is not a stream of guys lounging round the house and a shag fest I don't see the issue. I'd honestly rather know where my kids are and that they are safe.

Branleuse · 20/06/2022 16:03

Dont tell her that youve read the message, but id tell her that youre concerned about her moving to that stage in the relationship, and that you totally understand that she wont want to tell you everything, but that you were a teen mother yourself, and it was bloody hard and you want her to be extra careful and sensible in what she does. To make sure that everything she does is because SHE wants to as much as him. Tell her that she might find it awkward, and thats normal, and its also not your favourite conversation to have, but its really important that she understands that youre not judging. Its normal to want to have sex with someone youre really into, but that it does come with responsibility to be careful and sensible before you find yourselves in a situation you arent ready for.

Id also suggest you make an appt with the FP clinic or doctor to discuss contraception.

33goingon64 · 20/06/2022 16:08

I was with you until the 'keep the door open while he's in her room'. WTF? So no private kissing or cuddling? I think you need to buy her some condoms and then take a big step back. She's 16, it's legal, natural and inevitable. Better it happens in your house where she feels safe.

Renniesfixeverything · 20/06/2022 16:21

I would lift the restrictions on her bf coming over and her door being open tbh OP, she won't have to sneak around or plot behind your back then. She's more likely to confide in you in an adult way if you treat her like the young adult she is becoming. You might also find 'parentally approved' sex is less attractive to her and allows her to slow down and consider what she actually wants as opposed to focusing on getting around the logistical obstacles. Giving her space to make more grown up decisions while being quietly in the background to catch her if she falls is what I would be going for here.

motogirl · 20/06/2022 16:23

The fact that you read private messages of a 16 year old makes me think you do not have good boundaries in your house, no wonder she doesn't want to speak to you. At 16 she is over the age of consent, I'm really not sure why parents think they can intervene. Yes you can say not in your house but you then drive them away.

Wildlingbobble · 20/06/2022 16:31

She was hardly going to add you to a group chat with the boyfriend and include you in the planning. I think most people ‘sneak around’ where sex is concerned, given that it’s not typically anyone else’s business. If you continue to insist on the doors closed at home rule, she’ll just have sex somewhere else and rightly so.. wouldn’t you rather she was in a safe environment with you out of the way?

I will also add that it’s important to encourage her to go to a medical professional to discuss contraception - very important. You can’t, however, ‘put her on’ anything - that phrase gives me shivers and it shocks me that so many people still say it in this day and age. It’s her body and she has full autonomy- your only role is to ensure she is fully informed regarding risk. You shouldn’t pressure her into anything nor insist on going in to the doctor with her. If you’re not careful about this you really do risk pushing her away

Staryflight445 · 20/06/2022 16:34

Your behaviour is just going to push her into having sex somewhere random. Why on earth wouldn’t you enable her to have safe sex in her own room where she’s comfortable and safe?

you’re being really controlling and reading her phone like that is out of order imo. She is 16 and legally able to have sex, she deserves more respect from you.

Staryflight445 · 20/06/2022 16:39

Also- negatives of sex?
for goodness sake why are adults still romanticising it?
it’s something we all do, and yes sometimes we regret it but that’s not something to be ashamed of.
stop adding such shame to sex. It’s not healthy.

just support your child to have sex in a safe place with contraception and make sure they are aware of consent and knowing that they have nothing to be ashamed of/ can say no and stop it at any point if they decide they don’t want to continue or go any further.