Please help us get our friend out safely

[MrsPicklesonSmythe]

A very dear friend is in an extremely controlling and abusive marriage. They have been together for 15 years, have two dds (approaching teens) and jointly own their home.

She is constantly monitored, tracked and we believe he may be using keystroke trackers on her phone as well as the location trackers she knows about and email hacking. The controlling behaviour is extreme and I would not rule out other surveillance. The dds are not being abused but she is concerned that the split would be damaging to them.

She has reached a point where she is ready to leave but he has threatened to run up extensive debts, trash the house and ruin her financially if she does. We know he's done similar before so its not an empty threat.

We don't know if he's hurt her physically but believe he would do anything to stop her leaving so we are aware that this is a dangerous time.

Her family will be supportive and our group of friends will be too. She's too embarrassed to talk other than to a couple of us right now.

Please could anyone give us practical advice on how we can get her out of this safely? We are giving non judgmental, emotional support from a distance but we need a to help her with a real plan.

Can someone at her office be enlisted to help - simply by insisting she come in a few days a week. She may be better able to access support /use other phones there.

I have some running around to do before I start work this evening so I may be slow in replying for a while but I'm reading everything and am so grateful for help with the practicalities.
Please keep your ideas coming I'm looking at every possible avenue.

Can you see a way forward where she keeps her home?

Good advice here, and I second contacting the police. His control is now a criminal offence. They might be able to remove him from the house instead of her?

Also, he can't run up any debts in her name so ignore that rubbish.

If she gets a good solicitor who is used to Domestic abuse cases. She can (on the day she leaves - to be safe) get an interdict (may not be correct phrase - ) ready so that he can't sell or damage the house. A solicitor can help with that & have it ready to go.

Help her get a CIFAS fraud marker on her credit report. This would make it very difficult for him to take out debts in her name in the short term.

Also speak to Women’s Aid for support on moving out / getting him out of the house.

Is there anyone who lives local who could keep the phone for her? She could keep hidden in a lock box somewhere, but it’s a bit risky and how would she charge the phone?

He could run up debts in her name by applying with her details. It would be fraud but it’s not impossible, but a CIFAS marker would help prevent it.

Poor woman, does he know that she knows he is tracking and monitoring her. Its a criminal offense, his threats to trash the house are meaningless, let him, they are just possessions and she can call the police. Can her family contact the police now on her behalf to tell them what is going on.

She can't stay in that home safely, no. Her and the children need a new start in a fresh home otherwise it'll feel like he's always looking over her shoulder. He'd bug it anyway. Hopefully she can do freedom course or similar which will help with this too :).

If she does physical food shopping (as in at the actual shop) she can ask for cash back as that will just show in the shopping total rather than a cash withdrawal to begin scraping a bit of untraceable money together.

Can any of you sell any of her/her kids old things on eBay for her for some extra dosh?

If she has access to passports etc she will need to keep them safe. Ditto birth certificates, marriage certificates, bank statements etc.

Does she have a work mobile phone? Can she use a dual sim in that rather than her personal phone? He may be able to bug her personal phone but he'd be unlikely to do that on a work phone.

Can you arrange a locker of some description that she can drop stuff off in and you can pick it up? Struggling to think of any places that do this, but maybe an idea.

Good luck to her!

You mean well but (understandably) you don't know what you're dealing with and could inadvertently make things worse.

She needs to consult Womens Aid, who are experts in this.
That's your target, the best way to help her.

Womens Aid, you can get in touch with them on her behalf, they are amazing. Here's a link to their chat service, they are fantastic and will help you.

I would say call womens aid to ask how best you can help. Explain it as you have here and take note of anything useful they suggest. Also check what the local domestic charity to her is. Some have assistance from lawyers who can give advice on housing etc. Can she come to yours, do the virtual 360 and when he is satisfied use your phone to call womens aid? put her phone in another room as a precaution or do it on a dog walk where you hold her phone and she walks away from hers and uses yours to call? If you are getting her a phone give it to her once she has left as if he finds it she could be in danger

Either she or her family need to contact womens aid, she can go into a pharmacy and ask for ANI for a private chat. I wouldnt get involved in her phones, she needs to try and act as usual. If it were me I would get friends and family to put money, Clothes, toiletries aside for her and the children so she has enough to get by on until he can be removed from the home and she and the dc are safe.

There's no option for her to keep her home. Just from a surveillance point of view if nothing else. She needs to let that go.

The time whilst they're away on holiday would seem like a good time for someone else to go in and take anything of sentimental or practical value to her - the stuff he would likely destroy if he got wind of this. However, assuming he has security cameras throughout the house, the problem is that he will see this happening. It depends how quickly someone could get in to the house and to wherever the router is, and switch it off.

Failing that, she is still allowed to come to your house (with the batshit video confirmation) so she has the opportunity to get a few things out that way. As other posters have said, can she not call Women's Aid from your phone? With hers a good distance away.

Can you see a way forward where she keeps her home?

From what you've said about him I'd be more worried about her keeping her life. I'm not being flippant saying that. He's already warned her about some of what he'll do if she leaves.

I agree with all the others who have recommended Women's Aid and any other professional help you can get.

This may also help www.rcjadvice.org.uk/family/flows-finding-legal-options-for-women-survivors/

Her safety and happiness is so much more important than her home right now. Easy for me to say I know but as someone who left An abusive partner she will have so much more of a life without him.

Agree speak to women aid.
can she flee the house with the kids, no belongings if necessary. Women aid will help with clothing, mobile phones, etc etc in the interim. She can work from home location and seek a good solicitor.

Her husband sounds a nasty piece of work.
could you go to the police with her, somehow leaving the phone with another friend on a dog walk route she’d usually take so he doesn’t know? So she can log the situation.

Your poor friend, my heart breaks for her. And her daughters. She can still have such a happy future and so can they.

material items, can she occasionally give you the odd item on the dog walks over the next two weeks, or passports/birth certificates etc. even the odd item of clothing so she has “some things”.

she can easily call the police once “left” if he is causing criminal damage to her belongings etc.

This.

All the covert stuff suggested makes me extremely anxious for her.. If she got caught attempting to leave, what could happen to her?? I just wouldn't risk it.

Just wanted to echo what PP have said.

Womens Aid are the experts.

Could she go into the office? Does she have a supportive manager that could give her a private workspace for the day to do all the admin? If your friend gave you permission to speak to her manager / HR to explain the situation, they could quite easily say on a zoom meeting 'we need you to come into the office next week for an appraisal / training..............'

I really hope she gets out safely. It sounds precarious

Is there a reason why you can’t just phone the police? And ask for their advice? So they can arrest him without warning or risk to your friend.

Going on holiday is a great excuse to pack bags and passports and leave the day before they are due to go on hols.

I agree with pack the bags as if going on holiday, but leave instead.

Because they are crap probably. Have you ever had any dealing with the police? I've never found them in any way helpful except if you ask the time on the high street. They seem to be able to manage that.

this
good luck OP

My advice would be to like others have said - packs as if going on holiday, get all financial things together, can you visit the house and then call the police when she is at the house with you.

Report to the police and get him arrested then per-sue a restraining order and ncdv referral.

Financially it is seriously hard to protect this but as much as possible you can gather financial things whilst at the house and explain this threat to the police.

The police will be able to see the spy wear on her devices, this will prove the controlling nature of their relationship.

You can keep texts and correspondence with her about this to strengthen her case