Partner gets annoyed I get up in the night to go to the bathroom.

[misswrite]

Hi, I feel I'm going to sound crazy here, as I think of course it's ok to go to the bathroom when you need to, yet my partner gets annoyed at me and brings it up a couple of times a week when he wakes up in the morning. I don't go every night, it's usually about an hour before we are meant to get up for work, I try to hold it a lot of times for fear of him taking issue as it can turn into an argument as I say it should be ok and he says I have woken him up and he's sick of me waking him up to go to the bathroom. It's usually only once a night. I am in my 40s, I just can't hold it as I use to do 10 years ago. I am quiet too, and don't flush to avoid more noise. Then I hope he's not going to get annoyed at me. He does go to toilet at times too, and I wake up, yet I don't feel irritated, I just don't understand why I irritate him to a point he has to make it known to me.

That's horrible. He sounds horrible. You shouldn't have to live in fear of your partner like this. You really shouldn't. Is he like this at other times too?

This seems to be unbelievably abusive behaviour.

The way you describe your head as ‘spinning’ following arguments started by him, just confirms it.

You’re holding it in for an hour to try not to upset him?
jeez, that’s nuts. He can sleep elsewhere, presumably, if it upsets him that much?

Ah, just read your update. He's abusive, love. Blaming you or someone else for everything that goes wrong - classic dog.

You should never feel like you're walking on eggshells round your partner, should never feel you have to 'appease' them. You poor love. Get hold of a copy of 'why does he do this?' Or look into the Freedom Programme.

Sausageandcash ..I will have a look at that book, thank you 😊

We do have a spare room, and he has on many occasions gone to sleep in it after me waking him up a few nights in a row, I don't have any issue with him sleeping in there as it benefits me as he doesn't have a go at me for needing a wee.

He does have many other ways I don't understand, he is very Jekyll and Hyde! I don't know which one I'm going to wake up with next 🤯

... when I have woken him up, i end up feeling dreadful. ... He has had a go this morning ... told me I am the one who has the problem, my head gets so confused by his words.... he was already in a mood about me waking him, so I did try to tiptoe, he still was upset at me, I really don't know what I am saying so wrong as I promise you all I am trying to appease him and keep him calm.... it's all my fault! 🤷🏼‍♀️ ...like I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life.

Why are you with him?
What is he adding to your life other than dread and blame?
Surely you can see that this is totally unhealthy.

You'll end up as a nervous wreck, living your life trying to dance to his tune - without actually knowing what the tune is....... because he'll always find new ways to confuse you.

Read Women Who Love Too Much. I think it's by Robin Norwood. It'll open your eyes...

He does have many other ways I don't understand, he is very Jekyll and Hyde! I don't know which one I'm going to wake up with next 🤯

OP, you partner is an abusive man and you deserve better. The whole "Jekyll and Hyde" thing is one of the red-flags Lundy Bancroft talks about in some of his books.

He sounds awful! What are you actually getting from being with him? Do you feel safe, loved, cherished..? It sounds like you spend your time tip toeing around him on eggshells and that he's ground you down to feel like this is what you deserve. You don't! You shouldn't have to worry about having a wee in the night ffs! You shouldn't have to be scared that he's going to wake up on a mood and spoil your day. Living in fear that you are going to do something to annoy him? Fuck that! His feelings and responses are HIS issue. Nothing you do or don't justifies him treating you like shit. And what about your feelings. You're trying to make sure you don't annoy him - how does that make YOU feel? I imagine you've been so worn down by his crap that you don't really even know any more. But please pause, look inwards, and I would bet there is a massive well of anger down there at how bloody unreasonable he is being, and at how badly you are being treated. Who cares if he's upset. YOU are the one who should be super and angry because he is walking all over you, and making you doubt yourself.

He's behaving terribly. You deserve better than this ❤️

I was on your side until u said you do it an hour before you get up for work. I'd be raging if someone kept waking me an hour before I needed to wake up. I wouldn't get back to sleep.

If you're going to do that then just stay up after you've got up.

Better still, consider getting a place where you can have separate rooms. That way on nights where he really needs to get a good sleep you can both sleep separately.

Ah nm just read your update. No need to sleep separate, more of a need to just separate permanently.

Why are you letting him make his issues (sleep, kids, blah blah) YOUR problem? Why are you anticipating his moods and trying to "appease" him? Does he try to anticipate your moods and appease you? I somehow doubt it.

He sounds a right shit to be honest. And very immature. Sure it's crap if your sleep is disturbed. If it was rhet 5.45 train going by, he would have to work out what to do for himself - ear plugs , sleep in the room away from the rail tracks, whatever. Not shout at you about it.

Your bladder is just as inevitable as the 5.45 , and in just the same way, he has to look after his own needs for himself, not shout at you for having a normal human body.

You have got into a very disfunctional place if you are being got at for this and you are prepared to accept it.

He's being a hypocrit given that he gets up too.

He's awful!!!!

Possibly he was already stressed due to spoilt DCs coming - by shouting at you he can blame you for his mood and not the brats or his own unreasonableness. Which are most likely the reason.

FGS! - you are frightened to have a wee when you need one in your own house!!! What is this!?

What a truly ghastly man!

There are some serious health conditions which involve a hell of a lot more night time disruption than one wee at 6am. If you were unlucky enough to develop one of these do you think he'd be supportive? Because I'm sure the last thing my husband needed when in the 'multiple shits per night' phase of colorectal cancer was me getting angry about it. Partnership doesn't count if it only applies when convenient.

He's being completely unreasonable and you need to tell him!! Particularly as he gets up too - so selfish!

Almost everyone I know gets up to go to the loo in the night - some partners sleep through it and those who wake usually go back to sleep soon after.

You're not doing anything wrong!

I couldn't sleep with someone who had to do that so it would be separate rooms. I am so tired if I get woken too early as can never get back to sleep. I would ask him to either stop mentioning it or sleep in the other room.

I honestly don’t know why you’re with this man he sounds awful!!

If you’re getting up near the time you need to get up then it makes sense to stay awake.
Also if you’re the one getting out of bed then it should be you sleeping in the spare room - it’s not fair he has to get up and change rooms when you’re already up.

I personally would end the relationship but if you’re not ready for that yet then you both need to just sleep in different rooms every night.
You may find the relationship drastically improves or you may find there’s another thing to argue about - which will tell you it’s time to end it.

I think it’s ridiculous you’re arguing over this when you have a spare room and there’s such a simple solution.

Sleep in a different room and divorce him. He sounds awful. Maybe cut out a late night big drink if it's disturbing you?

Fingers crossed he gets prostate issues as he ages and needs to pee 20 times a night, by which point he'll be alone because he's a dick. What are you getting out of this relationship OP?
There is not a chance in hell I would be holding my bladder for anyone.

Both DH and I go to the loo at least 3 times during the night. We are elderly, with separate rooms though.
Your DH sounds unpleasant. It's ridiculous to expect you not to go to the toilet. What would he prefer you to do?

And you're with him because ...?

Life is far too short to not even be able to pee when you want to.

I was thinking the same lol.

When you got to go you got to go OP.