Partner gets annoyed I get up in the night to go to the bathroom.

[misswrite]

Hi, I feel I'm going to sound crazy here, as I think of course it's ok to go to the bathroom when you need to, yet my partner gets annoyed at me and brings it up a couple of times a week when he wakes up in the morning. I don't go every night, it's usually about an hour before we are meant to get up for work, I try to hold it a lot of times for fear of him taking issue as it can turn into an argument as I say it should be ok and he says I have woken him up and he's sick of me waking him up to go to the bathroom. It's usually only once a night. I am in my 40s, I just can't hold it as I use to do 10 years ago. I am quiet too, and don't flush to avoid more noise. Then I hope he's not going to get annoyed at me. He does go to toilet at times too, and I wake up, yet I don't feel irritated, I just don't understand why I irritate him to a point he has to make it known to me.

Clearly no one actively enjoys being woken, some people do find it hard to get back to sleep, particularly late on in the night, and particularly after it has started to get light.

But THAT IS HIS ISSUE TO DEAL WITH , not yours, as everyone he shares a bed with past present or future has a bladder.

By making it your problem he is giving you a very clear indication of how willing he is to sort out his own life (not willing) and how likely he is to blame everything that bothers him on the nearest person (100% willing), how willing he is to be challenged or to listen to someone else's perspective (0% willing)

It is this attitude that is the problem in your relationship, not your bladder.

We have lived together for 10 years, he does have some odd ways about him, which have fried my brain on multiple occasions, this is just one of many!
I have said to him, what am I meant to do, hold it in? Where strangely he never answers me!

You are normal. He is an arse. Separate rooms if not houses. Look forward to him being older when he is up to per every hour thanks to dodgy prostate. Jim

Neding the loo i the middle of the night or early in the morning is perfectly normal. Holding your pee in so your partner doesn't have a go at you is not. How on earth does he expect you to control it? Is he an arse about other stuff too?

Get a chamber pot, he'll soon change his tune.

Anyone else placing bets that poor OP's partner is not just a dick about this one issue?

Tell him he'd better get used to it because it happens to most of us as we get older and is perfectly normal.

Is he a very light sleeper? Because I don't think I wake my DH when I get up in the night.

That's called gaslighting.

I pee multiple times a night, the bladder weakens as we get older anyway so it would be normal to need to use the toilet in the night.

Tell him hes a nasty piece of work and he can fuck off of he thinks he's got any kind of say in your bodily functions.

If this were just a case of you getting up and disturbing your partner, I'd suggest separate bedrooms. Lots of people do, especially as they get older. To be honest having a king size bed to myself is bliss.

However, there is clearly a lot more going on. You sound unhappy. You've not spelled out what the issues are, but they are clearly huge. Why are you with him - and do you truly WANT to be with him?

Why are you with someone who wants to control your bladder?? He sounds nasty.

"I try to hold it in...for fear.."

Just sit with that for a minute. If this was your daughter telling you this hoe would you feel? I'm not sure what other abusive controlling behaviour he's using with you but I am willing to be this is the tip of the iceberg.

Of course you feel confused and bewildered, thats his goal.

It's totally understandable that you don't want to live like this, you shouldn't have to. Do you have any supportive friends and family you can talk to about what your options might be?

Keep asking. Tell him until he can come up with a workable suggestion that doesnt mean discomfort for you then he can stfu about it.

I wouldn't be sharing a bed with someone who made me feel fear about going to the bog when I wanted to.

I have to get up in the night too and sometimes my DH does. Neither of us would ever complain. If you’ve got to go you’ve got to go. He’s being completely unreasonable.

That's genuinely pathetic of him. As if you can control needing the loo!

What does he want you to do, live in a constant state of dehydration or wear a nappy to bed?!!

Sounds like my step Mum. Absolute biatch who shouts at my Dad if he accidentally sneezes or coughs before he has time to leave the room.

Next time he moans say we have discussed this. I need to use the loo. There is no alternative. There is no point in you bringing it up.

Do you have a spare room? Not everybody does.

He is a light sleeper, he says he can't get back to sleep when I have woken him up, i end up feeling dreadful. He does wake me up with his snoring, but again I don't take issue with it. He has had a go this morning about it, hence my post, then the next minute told me I am the one who has the problem, my head gets so confused by his words. With it being Father's Day, we don't have kids together but he has a 21 and 17 year old, the 21 stayed over last night, I didn't want to start his day off rubbish, but it felt he was already in a mood about me waking him, so I did try to tiptoe, he still was upset at me, I really don't know what I am saying so wrong as I promise you all I am trying to appease him and keep him calm. I think he's upset although he's seeing his kids today, he's just gone to pick the other one up, he's use to them giving him more fuss on Father's Day, and his son hasn't done that and his daughter didn't even want to sleep over to wake with him, it's just kids growing up, but I know he likes them to make him feel wanted. He bends over backwards for them, and a good dad to them. He also wanted to see his parents who live a couple of hours away, but can't as his kids didn't want to visit them, so I think that's got to him too, he won't say anything to them though, as he never wants to hurt his kids feelings, even though they walk all over him, from what I can see, I keep my opinion to myself though as I know he would fiercely deny this and use it to turn it around that it's all my fault! 🤷🏼‍♀️ ...like I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life.

Imho there is nothing more frustrating and annoying being woken up by a partners night time habits be they snoring, talking in sleep, thrashing around, or getting up and down.
sleep deprivation turns the most nice people into raging monsters
the issue here is bed sharing.
the issues will only get worse with age…loo breaks in the night increase, then add a difficult menopause with night sweats into the mix, snoring getting worse with ageing…it is just not fun to share a bed anymore
So stop bickering between you and engage your brains on how to solve an issue that is not going to go away - that’s the reality
at this stage, changing your bed to one with separate mattresses and seperate duvets (continental style where it is very common) may , as a small tweak, be enough to mean you can get in and out of bed without actually waking him . Putting in small highlights rather than having to turn other lights such as landing lights may help.
if that doesn’t work then maybe go for seperate beds in same room if you have the space. If that fails then you go for seperate bedrooms during work nights or for x nights a week so that you both get good quality sleep

don’t underestimate how miserable it is to have disturbed sleep - it is a form of torture at its extreme , but even small wakings can make people irritable, depressed, anxious etc. Time to get practical

I remember when I was a teenager, I was staying in my friend's house. During the night I got my period and a drop of blood got on the sheets. My friend went absolutely crazy , shouting at me that I shout have woken up before the blood came out as that's what she always did. I was utterly humiliated and this friend turned out to be an immensely toxic, deranged and hateful person that I had to cut out of my life.

Your partner reminded me of her and I haven't thought about that incident in decades. I am generally not a LTBer but I will make exceptions for people who blame and punish others for havinv bodily systems that they can't control.

Op do you have a spare room? Many people have mentioned it but you've not answered. I think that's the answer.

Devil's advocate here.

I am a very light sleeper (especially since having children) and I have to work hard to ensure I get adequate sleep. Being disturbed an hour or two before my normal waking time is the absolute worst case scenario for me because 9 times out of 10 I will be unable to get back to sleep. It is also when I am in a light phase of sleep and can be disturbed very easily. Every so often would be manageable but if DH got up to use the bathroom at 5am every night then that would basically mean 2 hours less sleep a night for me, every single night. It's not sustainable and if I'm honest I would be grumpy in the morning, no matter how unreasonable that seems.

It obviously isn't something you can help though, so I think the only solution is separate bedrooms.

OP, you are not ‘baffled’, your brain is not ‘fried’, you are being bullied by a controlling unpleasant man.

What are his other ‘odd’ ways?

Lying in bed for an hour busting for a wee for fear of your partners anger is not a healthy way to live.

Stop seeing yourself as a person who is all of a do-dah when he starts his irrational arguments. Hold fast and calmly to your logic: “I need to use the toilet and have a right to do so. If you can’t manage your sleep patterns around that maybe sleep elsewhere?”

But I suspect he will simply find another focus for his control and anger.

Do some reading around control, OP. People often recommend the Lundy Bancroft book. It may or may not be relevant to you but it might open your eyes to other things.

Bottom line: there is nothing unreasonable about quietly going to the toilet in the night.

I really don't know what I am saying so wrong as I promise you all I am trying to appease him and keep him calm

Trying to appease him shows him, in his mind, that you accept it is your ‘fault’.

I do understand that being woken regularly is really tiring and lack of sleep a serious issue. But it’s time to take a practical approach . Problem solve without it being an argument. Sleep separately. Your waking due to his snoring and thrashing about is as much an issue as your loo visits.

If it is movement that disturbs him would twin beds help? Also his thrashing about?

But do read that book….

Well, won’t he have fun with himself in a few years when his prostate turns him into a dribbler a few times a night.

What an absolute arse crack for an individual.

You can use the bathroom however much you want. If it wakes him why don't you look into separate beds. If he doesn't want to do that he'll just have to get on with it.

He'd hate it at our house. I'm up once if not twice. One of the children usually ends coming in or getting in with us and the cat jumps in at some point as well. You just get on with it.