Financial secrets

[ponderingpenguins]

Married 20 years. 4DC, aged 13-7.

Just discovered that DH has racked up £20K of debt, and not been paying it. I have been working super hard the last two years, retraining, and so he has been dealing with all of the banking.

Sadly it's not the first time he has been financially irresponsible. It happened when we first got married. Then again, 7 years later when he asked to take responsibility for finances again.

I had all financial responsibility until two years ago, and I stupidly believed that with two decent salaries going in, and the fact that he is 47 and more mature, it would be ok? I know, I know, I know...

He just keeps saying that he is sorry, and crying, he got lost. That he loves me. He won't discuss it, hasn't kept paperwork or even records of everything. He didn't even know how much he owed exactly. I have had to sit down, make phone calls and piece everything together myself.

I have paid off all but £2K with my personal savings.

Now, I am 45, with absolutely nothing left to my name and 4DC to think about.

I am genuinely considering asking him for a divorce. I do not want to be legally vulnerable. I do not want anyone else to have the ability to do something in my name. How many times do I give him a chance?

The only thing keeping me from asking him to leave is that he is a wonderful hands-on father and the children will be broken hearted.

We really do have a happy family life normally.

I don't know whether this anger will pass, or if the marriage is over, or if I should ask him for a quiet divorce and continue cohabiting for the sake of our children and see where our relationship goes, until they have all left home?

My head's a mess.

Thoughts?

It would be the end for me. I would never trust him again.

He wasn’t thinking of you and the children while he was getting into debt.

Do you think he might have done it on purpose because you weren’t there to mother him?

Something isn't adding up. Where is the money that should have gone on the bills, I mean. If it hasn't gone on overspending then where is it?

Also if you are doing 16-20 hour days and working away a lot who has DC.

My only thought, is that if you genuinely want a divorce, you shouldn't have paid off his debt.

Given all you've said, and the fact you've now paid, I'm not sure why you'd divorce? You've found him out before, his poor money management is nothing new.

Take back the reins forever and insist he pays you back (even if small amounts per month out of principle).

I don't have the answers. I love him and I trusted him. I know now that was a mistake.

I am trying to concentrate on looking forward. I don't have any mental energy to waste, it doesn't change anything. I have an appointment with the bank soon to go over everything, to reinstate my access to everything and to make some decision, because at the moment I don't have any more information or access to it. All I do know is that there are no more debts, as I got the equivalent of the credit score.

I am trying to be proactive and figure out what to do, for myself and my children, moving forward and how to protect ourselves.

I'm not going to answer any more questions, but if anyone has any tips, stories to share or guidance, I would really appreciate it.

You CANNOT expose yourself to his recklessness again. Sorry but you can't.

If I were you I'd set conditions for continuing the marriage.

Firstly, consider a post nup. This is a legal contract that you get after getting married, a bit like a prenup.

Essentially youd want to agree that if he goes into debt again, it will be his debt to be paid off by him and him along and not factored into a subsequent divorce.

Secondly, Basically, you're going to have to be 100% on top of the finances at all times.

He is going to have to be restricted. Sorry but he cannot be trusted. His salary needs to go into your account and he needs to have one bank card only that has his personal spending money only on it. No access to overdraft and no access to a credit card.

You need to have access to his credit file and check it every month. You'll be able to see any applications he makes or accounts he opens.

You cannot trust him and he has to agree to these terms to continue. He gets no privacy I'm afraid. It literally like having a child - get him a go Henry card seriously!

Or just divorce him. You don't need to end your relationship but just sever yourself from him legally.

Oh and if you continue get marriage counselling. Sounds like you need it for your sanity.

So sorry this has happened to you. What a prick.

Thank you for this, I fully agree with everything you have said.

Im surprised by some of the replies on here- this is definitely divorcable imo. More so after I saw your post saying he tried to cover it up! Just piss poor not good enough. Can you rebuild trust after this? Why would he make such repeated terrible terrible decisions?? X

Do you constantly wear rose-tinted glasses or does he have a golden dick or what? Because I'm struggling to see what he brings to the marriage. His share of the effort of being married and raising a family is to attend his job 8hrs a day? Whoop-de-do. Give that man a medal. You're already managing everything by yourself so you're effectively a single parent anyway. May as well make it official.

I agree I would divorce in this situation.

But if you are going to continue I hope we have given you some ideas to protect yourself.

Let us know how you get on. Xx

Unless you address where the money which could and should have paid the bills has gone it will continue to be a problem. Ignoring bills and penalties does not just happen if you have the income to pay in the first place.

He's done this to you three times and has just decimated your entire financial safety net.You should consider divorcing him and have the £20,000 given to you as a percentage of his share of the house.

Do your children have saving accounts?;he hasn't taken their money has he?

I don't see how you'd want to stay married to him considering you and your children could have potentially ending up homeless because of his recklessness.

And if he can't be trusted with the family finances and can conceal such a huge secret like that then id be wondering what else he's capable of concealing.

Will you at least see a solicitor to see where you stand legally if you were to split?

I would quietly divorce and continue living with him under the new, separate financr, conditions.
At least that protects you.
Once kids are older, I bet you then leave. At least you will have rebuilt your savings by then

Exactly what I and other posters have said. although op has stated they aren't going to answer anymore questions 🙄

Because I don't have any further information at the moment and won't until I go to discuss at the bank. 😵‍💫

And yes, I am going to make an appointment with a family solicitor to see where I stand. As it's not my country nor my language, I don't have a full grasp on this, so forewarned is forearmed.

Thank you @D0lphine @thenewduchessoflapland and @oldageprancer . It's reassuring to know that my thoughts are not wildly unrealistic or off the mark.

Op, this isn’t adding up. Why was he paying the bills late? What was he doing with the money he was supposed to use to pay them? Where has it gone.

And I’m sorry but to have got you into debt 3 times is a lifestyle choice and there is something about your husband you’re not aware of. Could he be a gambler? Could there be someone else in the picture that you’re unaware of?

But op you must comprehend that makes no sense? How could you keep an eye on the account and not spot the bills weren’t being paid? Where was the money going if not to the bills?

I honestly couldn't forgot he stupidity, let alone anything else.

Also - he's quite happy to let YOU pick up after him?

It's financial abuse basically

*forgive the stupidity, not forget

I did this a few years ago but much much worse. All payments were up to date though so while we weren’t behind with anything it wasn’t sustainable. I also lied about it for around 3/4 years. DH would have been absolutely justified in divorcing me but he didn’t, he also blames himself for not having a handle on our finances and burying his head in the sand when deep down he knew something was wrong.
He asked me how I was going to fix it and we made a plan together, luckily he earned a lot and I had the ability to as well
we are now fine, all finances are visible and the relief is enormous. I don’t know if I will ever be completely forgiven but he never throws it at me, if he did I don’t think we could stay together.
What I want to say OP is that if you can never forgive that’s perfectly understandable but please don’t think your H doesn’t love or respect you. It’s about him not you and it may be he found himself in a hole and rather than talk to you as he should he just dug deeper until he didn’t know what to do. I used to have panic attacks and felt permanently sick waiting to be discovered,
I am not looking for sympathy, I dont deserve any, but I dont want you to think your H did this and doesn’t care. I honestly don’t know how I did what I did, it almost feels like I was a spectator to it all but I know I am responsible
I just wanted to tell you not to blame yourself at all but please don’t think your H doesn’t love you or that everything was a lie, I love DH and our DC and always did.
This May well be the end of your marriage and I don’t think anyone would blame you for that but it is possible to get past it if you want to as well

Gambling was my first thought. Where has it all gone?

Thank you for sharing. I am genuinely pleased that you have worked through this.

I honestly feel like I have been hit by a bus at the moment.

You sharing has helped, my DH is really not a bad person, although he is definitely not in my good books at the moment and he has many good qualities. I just didn't see this coming at all, so feel blindsided so am questioning everything. Want to make sure I have considered all options available to me currently.

Thank you. X

I am glad my post helped
I also want to say ignore anyone who says he MUST be gambling or have another family or anything like that. I had debts of far more than your H without either of those things
Best of luck whatever you decide to do x

So you took on more and he said he would take on the finances (and still left you with everything else).

But where did the money go - did your bills rise to the point that you were 10k in arrears, less was coming in or you were saving some of your salary because you assumed bills were being paid? What proportion goes into the account

Do you have a happy life because you normall go everything

He told you clearly who he was the previous two times he mismanaged the finances. You chose not to listen.

I don't think finances have to be a joint venture. My DH is a good man. He is hard working and luckily not a spender but he has little knowledge of finances and how to make money work for him. I am fully in control of our budgets, investment portfolios, bills, tax returns etc. It just makes sense for me to handle these as it plays to my strengths. This however does take a massive amount of trust and it isn't for everyone.

You have to decide if the trust can be rebuilt and if you are happy to manage both of your finances for the foreseeable future. If you do decide to stick with him please look at options for leaving your DC money in the future. If you were to die first and had built up some kind of wealth then he could blow it all.