I think I love him more than he loves me?

[Earpieced]

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years. We both have children at home so live separately.

I had been single a long time and DP was newly divorced from marriage that broke down when his wife said she didn’t love him anymore. He hasn’t given me any indication that he still loves his ex and they are friendly for the sake of the kids but nothing worrying. He is quite a pragmatic person although he said he was blindsided by it at the time he can see the signs now things were going wrong on both sides and neither of them addressed it with each other so it just slowly deteriorated.

What does worry me is that I think he is a little closed off emotionally. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it (and I would never make him feel uncomfortable by asking) but I think their sex life was an issue, when I met him he had no confidence in that area at all. He hates his body, which I tell him I love. Like he had never slept naked! I am an expressive affectionate person and I’ve seen him really change sexually and so much more confident and relaxed. He even enjoys sleeping naked now. Despite this he really struggles to ‘finish’ during sex although I could never complain myself (he’s generous) I feel bad for him that he’s still holding back. I want to help him but he won’t let me help him ‘finish’ as he’s still a little hung up and self conscious sometimes.

He says I love you to me but not often spontaneously, usually in response to me saying it. During sex is really the only time he will be very overly expressive about loving me - sometimes it’s quite overwhelming, it’s lovely but I wish he would say it less during sex and more during normal day to day!

We do talk about the future sometimes. He’s not very romantic anymore 😂 and when I discuss going somewhere romantic (like a city break) he usually has already been with his ex as they travelled a lot. As we don’t live together it can feel a bit like we have two separate lives that intertwine a couple of times a week. I suppose this is normal.

Sometimes I just feel like in every day life I love him more than he loves me and he mainly loves me during sex (or if he is drunk, which is rare). Is this a guy thing? I feel like he’s guarded until he’s feeling vulnerable?

Reading relies with interest, as it echoes a lot of how my relationship is - similar time together / living set up, etc.
Discovered as time went on that my BF has practically zero spare money after paying child support / bills / hobby, which has a huge impact on what we’re able to do together - could it be something similar, OP?

OP, one thing no one has mentioned is that if he split with his ex three years ago and you’ve been a couple for 2.5, he was only very newly out of a longterm, committed relationship that ended hurtfully at the other person’s instigation — he was really not in the right headspace for a new serious relationship

Thank you yes I think this is common with single parents, and that is what has factored in me being overly patient.

I was in the same position many years ago but I am in a better position now. However, he wastes a lot of his spare time that he could be generating income doing frustrating things that generate barely any income - he will spend hours fiddling with something to make it perfect and I will admire it and it is great, but I realise it’s just something that’s pretty and cool but meaningless. He’s a bit lost career wise although he does work, it’s not really what he wants to do. I couldn’t share finances with him how it is now.

There are plenty of free things to do in a city for just the cost of a train ticket and a meal deal from Tescos.

He was already divorced 2.5 years ago so it was more like 3.5
I did ask him this he said he was. I did pick this up at the time and we took it slowly

Also sorry, my BF also bought an expensive car that costs a lot to run and pay for. I earn more than him and my car cost 1/4 less. Perhaps I am more practical with money than him

Typo! It cost 1/4 of his car

However, he wastes a lot of his spare time that he could be generating income doing frustrating things that generate barely any income - he will spend hours fiddling with something to make it perfect and I will admire it and it is great, but I realise it’s just something that’s pretty and cool but meaningless

It's meaningless to you, but it must have meaning for him, otherwise he wouldn't spend the time doing it. It looks like you simply find meaning in different things AKA incompatible.

It's interesting that people have said he's not over the ex. I actually think the opposite. I'm wondering if the ex also got bored of similar behaviour and binned him off as well.

Regardless, he is not giving you what you want. So it's not working.

@Watchkeys

he makes things but they aren’t for any reason. I’m not sure if he enjoys it because he gets really frustrated when he’s doing it and stressing about money but he is avoiding the issues. I couldn’t comment on the car as it’s not my money but that’s where a lot of his spare income has gone. We went to look at practical cheaper cars but he had already ‘fallen in love’ with the expensive one

We went to look at practical cheaper cars but he had already ‘fallen in love’ with the expensive one

Oh jeez. So he can spend money on a car, but not on offering you a nice cultured evening out, or a weekend away.

Doesn't that tell you all you need to know?

I think in 2 sentences you've just summed up the change from the early, heady romance days of a relationship to the comfortable, mundane reality 2.5yrs in!

I think he needs reminding that if he wants to remain in the relationship with YOU, he needs to pull his finger out a bit more and make more effort. You don't live together so he should be trying to ensure the time you do have is strengthening your couple bonds, not just bumbling along in a comfy groove.

If he doesn't want to do this, then he's free to look for someone else who is equally comfortable with low-effort, and you're free to look for someone who thinks making an effort is worthwhile.

Yeah I hadn’t joined this all up till I have Started thinking about it. He’s taken his kids into the city for the day and a hotel for the night but I don’t begrudge that as they are his kids! Last time I asked to go he said he was worried about terror attacks. He doesn’t really like to do things on. A Budget so going to museums with me wouldn’t be interesting for him. He would rather save up or pit on a credit card then splurge on a trip to a far away country some wonderful exciting trip of a lifetime every 5 years. He asks me a lot about my dream house or dream car and showing me mansions on rightmove
I’m happy to live with what I already have

OP you sound interesting, fun, affectionate, up for life, considerate & thoughtful.

You don't have to settle for a man who is a bit dull and just wants a dull life.

The men who just want dinner, TV and sex once a week, are just content with a simple life. It's not a reflection on you it's a reflection on their lack of drive.

You sound like someone who the right man would fall for hard and you'd have a full & fulfilling life together.

Leave yourself open to that opportunity. Let this chap go to find a woman who is happy with a smaller quieter life.

I bet he bored his wife too.

You don't love him more, you just give more love. It's not the same thing.

He's stringing you along and he's stringing himself along.

Op, you are someone he is settling for as he wants to be in a relationship. I have a male friend like this. He’s in it for the companionship and the sex, I suspect she knows, but her desire to be with him is much stronger than her dignity and self esteem.

Sadly he gets all excited when he meets someone new, love bombs then when he sees the real them, flaws and all, he can’t be arsed any more, it’s a shit show of epic proportions.

I do feel a bit disturbed by your focus on sex in your op and you’re clear desire to know more about his previous sex life. It’s none of your business. The whole sleep naked focus thing is odd. He prob didn’t ss he had kids at home, he just never got into th habit. His ex clearly saw him naked lots over the years.

if he’s not really into you then decide if what he’s giving you is enough, do you love him enough it doesn’t matter? Because it’s not going to get any better. This is who he is.

@Fullsomefrenchie

im sorry it came off as odd. He actually wanted to have sex with his T-shirt on. Which was very hot for both of us. He would also frantically put his pants back on after. He does neither now. I don’t really want to know anything but it could have been helpful to maybe be a bit open about how he was feeling (insecure, worried?). They have children so they obviously did have sex. I don’t know if he felt under pressure or something. It was just me being curious if he had had something bad happen

😂That stood out to me too!

I think it's different being curious about your partner's sexual quirks than wanting to talk to them about their sexual relationship with their ex. The former is wanting to know about your partner. The latter is wanting to know specifics about a specific relationship.

@Watchkeys i think I explained it wrong. I didn’t know if something bad had happened and it would make me nervous and unsure whether I was over stepping any boundaries. I don’t want to know what their sex life was like so to speak. I only know what he has volunteered to tell me. I get the impression rightly or wrongly that it might have been an issue for him with other partners

he’s proud of the sleeping naked thing. When the kids aren’t there he will tell me he slept naked. I just sleep dressed however it depends on the temperature or location. If it was hot and I just had sex I probably wouldn’t put my clothes back on

He says I love you to me but not often spontaneously, usually in response to me saying it. During sex is really the only time he will be very overly expressive about loving me - sometimes it’s quite overwhelming, it’s lovely but I wish he would say it less during sex and more during normal day to day!

Tell him this.
Make sure he knows it's not a whim of yours - it's something that means a lot to you.
But only tell him once.

Whether he picks up on it, & starts to help your confidence like you have helped with his, will inform you whether you want to keep seeing him or not.

@Earpieced

It's his responsibility to tell you if you're crossing a boundary of his. It's all we ever have to do in a relationship. People bang on about 'How to maintain strong boundaries' as if it's a process, but all you do is say 'I don't like it when you do that' If the person cares, they'd stop. If they care more about the behaviour than they care about you feeling ok, you leave. A respectful relationship relies on this process, rather than being jumpy or edgy because a boundary hasn't been clearly voiced.

You don't need to know anything about his history. You just need to stop doing something if he makes it clear he doesn't want you to. If you can't trust him to make his boundaries clear, you'll not be able to relax with him.