Is he interested or should I not bother?

[hotcoldnotsold]

NC for this. Want to caveat by saying I'm a seasoned OLD dater and know that mixed signals means 'not interested'. Certainly starting a thread to decipher behaviour is not a good sign for early days. But recently out of a 2 year relationship and lockdown isolation so doubting my judgement. Wise MN advice would be valued!

I got chatting to a guy on Hinge, both mid-late 30s. We chatted for 4 days on the app and he then asked me out to drinks. I noticed that he would reply once a day between 9-11pm which I thought meant he had a dedicated time to correspondence. Suits me as I don't like long text chats. We had a great first date - drinks turned to dinner turned to dancing till 2am and then a great shag back at his. I always get sex out of the way on a first or second date so this isn't unusual for me - and all my LT relationships/marriage started this way.

He was very cuddly all night, showed me around his flat (defo not married/no gf/no kids/not divorced), made me breakfast the next morning. When I left he asked me to let him know when I was next free. 2 days later, having not heard anything from him, I asked him out and arranged the date for a week later. There was radio silence for the week until the actual date...Date was great again, lovely long evening, back to his where we had one of those long all night really personal chats - he told me that he was a relationship guy and not great at casual. Also said he was really glad he had met me. I joked about his regimented texting schedule and he said he had never thought of it that way, but always had his phone switched off at work. He works in an office so not sure why tbh..He made breakfast again next morning. Left it saying he'd definitely see me next week but no checking of diaries or concrete plans.

Then again 5 days of radio silence before he suggested we meet up a few days later. Now if we hadn't had these long deep convos and really intimate nights, I wouldn't have minded the no contact between dates. But it seems odd to go from being so open and cuddly to just nothing till a week later! It's left me feeling wary, rather than excited and also like we have to start again from scratch to re-establish the connection. But I really really like him ON the dates and wondering if it's a sign of emotional unavailability/just lack of interest, or this is a common way of dating? Not sure if I should go out on this date or bin it off because I'm feeling confused by the hot/cold behaviour?

Why are u not breaking the silence first?

Why not suggest something during the day, or something out of cycle like you are out with friends so can you speak to him at 5.30 rather than 9.

Something odd about how compartmentalised this all is.

I think because I did it the last time to make small talk, ask him out and organise the second date. Don't want it to be a case where he only responds to me. Also he takes ages to respond to messages - like 10-12 hours each time, so it kills my desire to contact him. Waiting that long for a reply

Waiting that long for a reply also stresses me out, hence my wariness. It seems like an excessive time to reply to really basic things like 'how was your weekend'.

I couldn’t be bothered with this, he’s making little or no effort. Throw him back or start dating other people.

He is busy most weekends hence why after work evening is the only time he has free. Actually now wondering if he is just always busy and I get compartmentalised into a box one day a week.

What's he busy doing?
I am thinking he goes home to wife and children at the weekend.

I see it as you've gone into FWB territory and he sees you as a bit of fun with a shag thrown in but for him, it's nothing serious

It's a booty call situation - he wines you, dines you, shags you and that's enough for another week for him until you get it on again.

He may even have a mid week booty call with another - Who knows what he is up to !!

Yes, this is the gut instinct I have. That it's just fwb. Which is definitely not what I want! I had 2 other guys behave like him (mixed signals, inconsistent contact) the last time I did OLD and sure enough both of them were getting over bad breakups or still hung up on someone else. It's the same spidey sense I have here. So I'm going to just let it fizzle out. Disappointing as we got on so well and that's hard to find. Oh well!

At the risk of sounding like a dinosaur, if you're looking for a relationship, hold off from sex, at least not the first time you meet. There's no effort then on his part

It always mystifies me when women behave like a FWB and then are surprised to be treated like a FWB.

Its mixed signals. Anyone can give great intimacy on a night. I literally thought one man was overboard in love with me by the way he acted on dates but rare contact between. Confusing but ultimately if there's doubt, there's usually no doubt that's you aren't on the same wavelength. Sorry xx

Sex isn't just for men to enjoy. Women can enjoy sex too and want it. I slept with my exH on a first date and we were married for 6 years. And my last LT bf too. It's not the sex that's the problem or when you have it, but the man. If a man is emotionally unavailable, he will be so whether it's first date or 10th date. At least this way I only wasted 2 dates not months figuring him out.

OP, You're on the wrong forum if you think women have sex for any reason other than it being the man's fault. Women shouldn't have ONS, sex too early, yar Di yar Di yar. God forbid you actually enjoy it... 🤣
On that note as well, you will be told he's married, he doesn't respect you, he thinks you're only good enough to shag, you should have higher respect for yourselves etc etc. Please don't listen. Please just ask him outright. No one on here knows the dynamic or his thinking but there's enough bias to think they do

It's left me feeling wary

Unless you want a relationship that makes you feel wary, don't start one.

He’s married, or committed elsewhere.

I think you at least have to ask him/talk to him before you bin him off. It may be that you just have completely different communication styles/preferences or it may be any of the reason's other have said.

A simple "hey xxx, I have really enjoyed our dates and we seem to get on really well, but as we discussed I am ultimately looking for a relationship and I'm not getting the impression that this is heading that way. I would rather not waste any more time if we are on different pages after all so maybe you could let me know your thoughts?"

For some reason I have starter following a page on Tik Tok with the handle "Finding Mr Height". She is a dating coach (or something similar to that) and she shares a lot of scripts as to what to say or do in lots of dating situations. She is your age group (and single) too. I would go take a listen to some of her videos.

You're right! If I can get naked with him, I can just ask him. Weird that asking this stuff seems more intimate than actual sex... I sent the last message replying to see him next Tue. If he reaches out to confirm before the date, I'll ask him what you've suggested. If he doesn't reach out at all before the date - then I have my answer. I had some fun at least (good dates are so hard to come by) so not the end of the world.

Definitely not married or in a relationship. He flat shares (we are in London) and I met his flatmate, no trace of a woman there. And his social media is public, no woman on there, seems he just travels and socialises a lot.

Ironically I got chatting to another guy who messages so incessantly, like all day long, it's put me off completely. The search continues...

Massive leap to assume this after a couple of dates. Is he meant to be hanging on OP's every message or having a life of his own?

See him but don’t shag him… see if he makes an effort then

Why? Presumably OP wants a relationship with sex included, so this is just a game. If she can't just ask him how he feels, they ought not to be considering a relationship anyway.

You say married for 6 years as if that's a long time.

It has nothing to do with liking sex and everything to do with your behaviour not being consistent with what you claim to want.

Huh? Being married for 6 years is not being a friends with benefits, I'm sure you'd agree. Or a ONS. So if I can have sex with a man on a first date and get a marriage out of it, or a few long term relationships - that obviously means it's NOT behaviour that results only in FWB.

What I want is a romantic relationship with a great sex life attached to it. Simples. So to me assessing sexual compatibility is as important as assessing values compatibility. Given I've had lovely fwb arrangements, ok/meh ONS, and also lovely relationships, all from shagging on the first date - I don't think liking and wanting sex quickly has anything to do with longevity or rightness of the relationship...

If a bloke likes you, he isn't going to care that you slept with him immediately or months later. And if he does care, he wouldn't be the man for me because I'm very sexually liberated and would need a man who is the same. Incidentally, of all the reasons THIS guy may not be interested, I really really don't think sex was it. Before OLD it was common in the UK to often shag someone at the Xmas party or a night out, and then start dating after that, lol. Most of my friends met their spouses starting with a drunken shag, then learning their surnames.