Is he interested or should I not bother?

[hotcoldnotsold]

NC for this. Want to caveat by saying I'm a seasoned OLD dater and know that mixed signals means 'not interested'. Certainly starting a thread to decipher behaviour is not a good sign for early days. But recently out of a 2 year relationship and lockdown isolation so doubting my judgement. Wise MN advice would be valued!

I got chatting to a guy on Hinge, both mid-late 30s. We chatted for 4 days on the app and he then asked me out to drinks. I noticed that he would reply once a day between 9-11pm which I thought meant he had a dedicated time to correspondence. Suits me as I don't like long text chats. We had a great first date - drinks turned to dinner turned to dancing till 2am and then a great shag back at his. I always get sex out of the way on a first or second date so this isn't unusual for me - and all my LT relationships/marriage started this way.

He was very cuddly all night, showed me around his flat (defo not married/no gf/no kids/not divorced), made me breakfast the next morning. When I left he asked me to let him know when I was next free. 2 days later, having not heard anything from him, I asked him out and arranged the date for a week later. There was radio silence for the week until the actual date...Date was great again, lovely long evening, back to his where we had one of those long all night really personal chats - he told me that he was a relationship guy and not great at casual. Also said he was really glad he had met me. I joked about his regimented texting schedule and he said he had never thought of it that way, but always had his phone switched off at work. He works in an office so not sure why tbh..He made breakfast again next morning. Left it saying he'd definitely see me next week but no checking of diaries or concrete plans.

Then again 5 days of radio silence before he suggested we meet up a few days later. Now if we hadn't had these long deep convos and really intimate nights, I wouldn't have minded the no contact between dates. But it seems odd to go from being so open and cuddly to just nothing till a week later! It's left me feeling wary, rather than excited and also like we have to start again from scratch to re-establish the connection. But I really really like him ON the dates and wondering if it's a sign of emotional unavailability/just lack of interest, or this is a common way of dating? Not sure if I should go out on this date or bin it off because I'm feeling confused by the hot/cold behaviour?

Maybe your communication styles are just different OP? I’m not a big texter – I’d rather chat in person and I tend to use my phone mainly to organise things then do my chatting in person. Not much small talk (if any) in between arranging and meeting.

So don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet if you get on well in person (after all, that’s what matters!). But, yeah, a conversation about your differing text communication styles to clear up any misunderstandings might be needed (I’ve had a few of those!)

Before OLD it was common in the UK to often shag someone at the Xmas party or a night out, and then start dating after that, lol. Most of my friends met their spouses starting with a drunken shag, then learning their surnames

Exactly, OP. 'The context of online dating' is that people now have a different method to communicate. It doesn't change human nature or the desire to have sex/not have sex on the first date. People who want to do. People who don't want to don't. It's always been so.

I think OLD encourages players and men who will say any old shit to get a shag. It's really not the same seeing someone's profile on an app and being able to build a picture of who they are and what they're looking for and bumping into someone by chance and hitting it off.

The vast majority of men on dating apps are predatory and looking for one thing. The vast majority.

I find this a weird attitude to have. How is 2 people wanting and enjoying and having sex on a date, 'predatory'? I didn't have sex with him because he promised me a future or a relationship, or made any false commitments. I slept with him because he was fit and there was a spark, and it was the perfect moment.. And I was completely aware that that sex would not guarantee a relationship. I can be disappointed if I liked someone and it didn't progress, but I could have been rejected for any number of reasons, at any point in a relationship - my looks, personality, they're not over an ex etc.

I have had lots of casual flings (always mutual) on the apps over the years and also long term partners, but have never encountered anyone predatory. To me 'predatory' is a guy who gets me into bed by either drugging me, coercing me or manipulating me. A guy who makes me want to sleep with him isn't predatory - just attractive and turning me on. But maybe that's the difference in how I view sex, it isn't something men do to me or something to be negotiated. It's just a carnal expression that doesn't mean anything more than the moment it happens.

He fed you a load of shit about how he doesn't want casual and he wants a relationship and you believed it. It's predatory to seek out gullible women and lie about your intentions so you can get an easy shag. Not sure how this isn't obvious.

Are you massively projecting because you are struggling with OLD? I have read your threads. He didn't even mention what he wants until AFTER we'd slept together on the SECOND date. Also, did it ever occur to you that maybe he meant what he said, but I'm just not the right woman and sex has nothing to do with it? I really wonder if women find it easier to think they got conned or rejected by a guy into having sex, than just accepting the guy may have met someone else, or decided after much thought it wasn't for him? Guys are allowed to change their minds after sex too, christ.

Have you honestly never met a guy you fancied so much, and had such a great time with, or had the most perfect kiss where you just wanted to rip his clothes off and go for it?? This does happen to women you know - they have sex because they want to, irrespective of what kind of relationship the guy wants...

It's predatory to seek out gullible women and lie about your intentions so you can get an easy shag. Not sure how this isn't obvious

Nobody's saying it isn't obvious that that's predatory. It's how applicable it is to every single OLD related thread that's in question.

I don’t think he is interested. He’s not behaving in the way that someone who is interested in a relationship would behave. I’d move on.

Of course you can have sex on the first or second date if you want it! Of course it doesn't put anyone off who is worth having.

I am on the 5th LTR (I am defining this as two years or more and including living together) of a long, busy and varied life, and I shagged all 5 of them either first date or second! Didn't put them off!

In fact, shagging them early on could be seen as a great (and fun) way of weeding out misogynists who will later judge you for it!

In fairness this guy does sound unusual tho. My guess is he is still dating others in quite a scheduled sort of way. I had a friend who did this. Saw dating as a "numbers game" (his words). Not meaning, maximise the number of shags (tho he also did this I suspect as a happy biproduct). More, maximise the number of people you date to maximise your chances of succesfully meeting Mrs Right.

So he dated multiple women, sleeping with the ones he liked who were also up for it. Only went exclusive when he met the one he wanted to marry. (They are married still years later, with two kids).

He didn't lie to anyone about it, but I doubt he volunteered it unless asked.

Some people aren’t texters and prefer conversations in real life. He may be one of them, especially judging by the long all night deep conversation you had just on date 2.
Who knows why it is that way. There could be lots of reasons.

I have a friend - great at conversations but texting was always a challenge with him. After a few years he finally told me he was dyslexic. Luckily we weren’t dating - or I’d have lost out on a friendship.

My point here - you seem to like him. Don’t bin him by creating challenges he isn’t aware of.
If your last message was just confirming the date this week - don’t ‘wait for him to reach out, or else…’ He doesn’t know he is being evaluated.
If you actually told him that you are questioning his intentions because it seems he isn’t interested - and he doesn’t reply to that … of course you should bin him.
but as it is - he can’t read your mind.

I’ve slept with every boyfriend i’ve ever had on the first or second date. I’ve also slept with others after longer (ironically those are the ones who were only after sex). Nothing wrong with that in my view.

I am a pretty forthright person so i’d just text myself and say that if I am getting to know someone it works for me to have more regular contact between dates. I’d see what the response was and if nothing doing i’d move on.

But, got to say, i’ve never experienced flaky on-off and radio silence then close and intimate in-person time from anyone who I ended up in a relationship with, only men who wanted a casual thing. They tended to be the types who were great at dates - great company, great sex, happy to share while in person, but totally uninterested in or incapable of an actual relationship. That might be this guy or it might not be - best thing to do is have the conversation about communication and see.

He doesn’t know he is being evaluated

Of course he does. Dating is an evaluation process. That's why you don't get married on the first date.

OP doesn't need to quiz him or give him instructions. If he doesn't naturally communicate in a way that works for her, there'd be no point in 'trying'.

Oh interesting, he did tell me he was dyslexic, and that's why he needed to do a job with drawing rather than lots of reading, but I didn't put much thought into it. Maybe it is similar for him re:texting. Ok, I think I will just chat to him in person if the date goes ahead on Tuesday and not try and read his mind. Still think it's likely he is dating a few people and I'm not the front runner but i'll ask.

Sounds like there is a possibility he has a wife or partner elsewhere hence his limited availbility and lack of contact between dates. Or maybe he has a very demanding job.

Tell him how you feel about it.

If he's the one for you, he'll explain or step up. If he does, he's not.

@hotcoldnotsold the best advice I can give is that the red flags you ignore or find excuses for in the beginning are usually the reason it ends. I also remember asking my partner this question about guy contact because it seems to be a common mumsnet issue and he said if a guy leaves days between contact but previously was messaging every day it means he’s losing interest, however if he’s always left days between contact it usually means he just sees you as a bit of fun.

@hotcoldnotsold
So he IS dyslexic. May explain his texting behaviour. Depending on severity - reading and writing are challenging/painful and not part of how they communicate with people.

That said - of course - there are two people in any relationship, and both have their needs. And if you two continue - you’ll to figure out different ways of keeping connected - calling, video calls, etc.

As it is - it simply seems to me that it’s early days. He seems to taking it slower than you’d prefer.

Whether either of you are or should be dating others - it’s hard to tell. Having Dec on first date doesn’t mean automatic exclusivity.
But at the same time - I’d not assume it just by his lack of texting.

Hope you manage to figure something out when you see each other.

Sounds like he enjoys your company and sex but it isn’t anything more than that. If he wanted more he would be letting you know and would use a phone call or audio message if he found it difficult to text due to dyslexia.

My sister in law is moderately dyslexic. She barely texts and just sends voice notes - she finds texting too stressful. My husband, when we were dating, barely text communicated at all and never instigated texting unless organising a date. Texting is not his thing at all - even now it takes him 10 minutes or more to construct a simple text message. He’s in his early 30s and very intelligent, big reader etc - he just has no skill or much interest in it. He would also never text during work unless essential, even now - he focuses on his work. If it bothers you say something but I don’t think it’s a red flag in itself.

You've already said it yourself - mixed signals means not really interested.

All the rest, about how 'cuddly' he was is all you trying to convince yourself otherwise.

You now get to choose whether to let this limp on or save yourself a lot of time and angst by nipping it in the bud

The start of the relationship is everyone on their best behaviour. This is the best he can manage. Not good enough for me - but entirely up to you if this is how you want your life to be in the future.

I'd totally recommend stopping analysing why people act the way they do, and focus on if it's the sort of behaviour you can accept or not. Makes life easier.

I'm really surprised by the amount of contact women on mn seem to expect to deem a man interested in them.
I would find daily or every other day contact annoying.

I think people just have different appetites for contact.

I also DTD second date with both my previous husband's - first one 28 years, second 6 years. Also with the boyfriends I had prior to that - like yourself @hotcoldnotsold if the attractions there I just go with the flow - never had a problem with it myself.

I've just recently started dating again and matched with a guy on Tinder but had to call it quits after just 3 weeks for my own sanity. He was acting flaky just like your date. The long pauses in between texts and what I believed was started to turn into a hook-up for him.

All started well .. He was long time divorced, had lived alone for last 6 years and childless. Perfect thought I, also childless - no drama.
Great first date on the Wednesday, second date on the Friday when we DTD which I have to admit was amazing - lots of cuddling and deep convos all night . Who'd have thought sex at 58 could be so enjoyable. Anyway, Saturday morning he wasn't particularly rushing off and I thought perhaps we might do something over the weekend as he said he had no specific plans. We discussed multi dating and he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. We agreed we would definitely be meeting up again and would arrange it over text later. We exchanged a few texts on the Saturday and then late on the Sunday afternoon he texts a pic of his ice-cream he was eating after riding out to the seaside on his motorbike - I was so disappointed he hadn't asked me to go but at the same time trying to reign in the Spidey senses starting to kick in. we had a quick meet up on the Tuesday (he hinted about coming back to mine again - didn't), texting every day but didn't see him until the next Friday - another great night but same pattern followed that week. I called him out on it texting that this is starting to feel like a hook up. He texted straight back saying definitely not. Gave it another go but same happened so my last text was telling him not for me. He sent a little sad crying emoticon back 🙄.
Have to say that has messed me up a little but them the lessons of OLD these days I guess. Stupid man doesn't know what he's lost out on 😂.
Only you can decide what to do about your dilemma but whatever you decide male it your choice 😉. Good luck x

Are you sure it's his place, and not an Airbnb or a friend's? This wouldn't have occurred to me until I saw something on Reddit about a woman dating a man who only contacted her during the work day and she went round to his a couple of times, but since found out that he had booked a friend's Airbnb for the times she stayed over, and was actually married.

Also, I would find the sporadic contact uncomfortable, I like to chat spontaneously with my friends and my boyfriend. Luckily he's very communicative, I didn't think that texting regularly with someone you're seeing was unusual.

@hotcoldnotsold
What do you ultimately want out of a relationship? Are you looking to "escalate" ie moving in/marriage/children?