Is he interested or should I not bother?

[hotcoldnotsold]

NC for this. Want to caveat by saying I'm a seasoned OLD dater and know that mixed signals means 'not interested'. Certainly starting a thread to decipher behaviour is not a good sign for early days. But recently out of a 2 year relationship and lockdown isolation so doubting my judgement. Wise MN advice would be valued!

I got chatting to a guy on Hinge, both mid-late 30s. We chatted for 4 days on the app and he then asked me out to drinks. I noticed that he would reply once a day between 9-11pm which I thought meant he had a dedicated time to correspondence. Suits me as I don't like long text chats. We had a great first date - drinks turned to dinner turned to dancing till 2am and then a great shag back at his. I always get sex out of the way on a first or second date so this isn't unusual for me - and all my LT relationships/marriage started this way.

He was very cuddly all night, showed me around his flat (defo not married/no gf/no kids/not divorced), made me breakfast the next morning. When I left he asked me to let him know when I was next free. 2 days later, having not heard anything from him, I asked him out and arranged the date for a week later. There was radio silence for the week until the actual date...Date was great again, lovely long evening, back to his where we had one of those long all night really personal chats - he told me that he was a relationship guy and not great at casual. Also said he was really glad he had met me. I joked about his regimented texting schedule and he said he had never thought of it that way, but always had his phone switched off at work. He works in an office so not sure why tbh..He made breakfast again next morning. Left it saying he'd definitely see me next week but no checking of diaries or concrete plans.

Then again 5 days of radio silence before he suggested we meet up a few days later. Now if we hadn't had these long deep convos and really intimate nights, I wouldn't have minded the no contact between dates. But it seems odd to go from being so open and cuddly to just nothing till a week later! It's left me feeling wary, rather than excited and also like we have to start again from scratch to re-establish the connection. But I really really like him ON the dates and wondering if it's a sign of emotional unavailability/just lack of interest, or this is a common way of dating? Not sure if I should go out on this date or bin it off because I'm feeling confused by the hot/cold behaviour?

Sorry OP - missed your update 🤦🏼‍♀️

You want the harsh truth? He is now only seeing you as a FWB and is making no effort because he does not have to make any...

You slept with him on the first date. He has put you down in his ''casual shag'' and ''requires minimal effort'' category and he is pursuing other women when he is not chatting with you.

Yes, it can happen that long term, committed relationships start with having sex quickly if the two people really like each other, have a lot in common and so on.

But it can also be very likely that, as you don't have yet developed an emotional connection, the other person will just see you as a FWB from then on,

I think it is naive as well to think that many men still don't judge women if they get physical too quickly.

if you were happy to have sex with this guy and did not mind that it might not lead anywhere then good for you. But don't see him as a long term prospect because his behaviour is showing that he is not boyfriend material for you.

I think it is naive as well to think that many men still don't judge women if they get physical too quickly

Would you want to date a man who judges women for doing the exact same thing he is doing i.e having sex on a first date? It makes him a hypocrite, no. There's lots of men who think women should stay at home and never work, or men who think housework is a woman's work - surely, we would be relieved to weed out someone with these values and not consider it a loss. How a man views women, whether as equals, whether he respects female sexual expression, what he judges a future partner on (a game to be won, or for her essence/personality) is a good indicator what sort of partner he will be. But also in big cities at least, in 2022, most men in their 20s/30s have a very different set of values for judging a partner's suitability than previous generations..

👏🏼

What a great thread this has been 👏... Found my self mentally shouting YES, YES to all of @hotcoldnotsold responses and 95% of others posts. I also have to applaud the guys response to @hotcoldnotsold calling out text - kind of restores your faith in human nature and that most guys are actually genuine. 🤗 Keep the faith ladies. 🤗