37 and feeling the pressure - boyfriend is not

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi mumsnet,

Newly regged to see what you folks think or can advise on this.

I'm 37 and with my partner a little over a year and a half. When we got together I had been single a few years and had accepted the fact that I might not meet someone, have babies, get married, all the rest of it. I've lived a pretty adventurous life with a strong focus on career and travel, this wasn't the be all and end all to me at the time.

About a year ago I relocated countries to move in with him and start a new chapter together, new job, new neighbourhood all the rest of it. In the last 12 months or so, for the first time in my life I've felt a real urge to settle down - buy a house, get married, have babies. I guess a combination of the timeline kicking in and being in the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The "long term" stuff hadn't really featured as a huge topic of conversation between us before then, as we were both a bit apathetic - didn't know if it was for us, etc.

However, now I'm clear that I want to buy a house together, get married and settle down. It's manifesting as me slightly freaking out every few weeks, as I feel like I don't have enough time to achieve all of these things given I'm uncomfortably close to 40 - and I'm yet to feel any urgency from him. Every time we have the conversation I get: I want to be with you forever, I don't care about everything else. Married isn't massively important to him, he'd like to have kids but it's not a pressing matter, he'd like to buy a house but we're already living in his first home so it's less important to him and the market is crazy at the moment etc etc.

It's left me feeling a bit lonely and like I have no assurance that these things will happen. We'll have the conversation, then weeks will pass with no movement and I'll freak out again, he'll reassure me and back to square one. I don't know how to move beyond this reticence from him. I love him deeply, he's everything I need in a partner beyond this inability to get invested in our future together and to meet me where I am with these things. I have a fear that we'll stay in this holding pattern, I'll be 40, with a long-term "boyfriend" that hasn't fully committed, unable to conceive, still living in his house with my savings depreciating wildly in the bank and I'll be deeply unhappy about it all.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this in a more pragmatic way? How do I get the assurance that I need?

I would personally give a 'gentle' deadline. 'Gentle' so it doesn't sound too much like an ultimatum and he doesn't feel cornered; but at the same time knows you mean business. So by [year], you want to be married, have a house, be trying to conceive/have conceived. If by that deadline, this hasn't been achieved, make clear you will move on. I have lost count of threads where posters were promised so many things that never happened.

Well. I think you are absolutely right op ! Your concerns are serious and valid. The answer is that you have to mean it when you set boundaries. At the moment he doesn't need to commit any further does he ? Yoi are still there despite his total lack of commitment to the goals he knows are important to you.

You do not have long to have a baby that is the reality. You need to tell him it's shit or get off the pot time as they say

Sit him down tell him what matters to you and mean it

Loads of women make this mistake. Just tell him you would like to get married. If he’s not up for that in the next year you want different things and you don’t see a future. Move out. If he wants you he’ll come back with a ring. It’s no good staying with a man that takes you for granted. I met my husband at 31 and he asked me to move in with me. I jokingly just told him I didn’t want to live in sin and he proposed two months later. We got married 8 months after that. It’s really not that difficult if he genuinely loves you.

Don't ask him for assurance, ask him to agree a plan. Suggest practical steps (that you are happy with): shall we start trying for a baby now*? Shall we get the ball rolling on moving house? Shall we get married this year, next summer? It's an invitation to adventure - he can say no.

When he says having kids is not a pressing matter "to him", spell out the biological reality.

*I suggest this because it sounds like you have decent earning potential and the clock is ticking - but obviously you are safer marrying first.

I've lived a pretty adventurous life with a strong focus on career and travel, this wasn't the be all and end all to me at the time.

When you met him you weren't driven to marry, buy a family home and have kids (or not consciously). Did you convey this to him at the time, in all good faith?

If so he may have felt that you were on the same page and then relatively quickly it turns out you do in fact want all the things childless women in their late 30s often want, and you want them within a tight schedule. Which is perfectly normal, but you need to spell out to him exactly how fast you need to move, and let him say whether he wants these things, not as a distant goal, but right now.

Personally I think it’s a mistake to move country for someone without marriage. Not that I give a random bugger about marriage itself - but it’s confirmation of commitment.

As things are he has it very easy - you’ve moved in with him and he has the luxury of not committing 100%. If it doesn’t work for him you move out, with little convenience to him.

At your age you just don’t have the luxury of this.

So - yes ultimatum time, baby and marriage next year. If he’s not up for that move on.

BTW I agree with the point about stopping asking got reassurance. This is about making clear what you will need from.him if thr relationship is to continue.

I totally understand how frightening it is to broach a subject that may end with you losing your partner. But it he genuinely is not prepared to give you the baby and the marriage...it is far far far better you know that right now than in 2 or 3 years time.

You can have a baby on your own...you can find another partner who respects and loves you....the huge mistake women make is to be driven by fear if being alone.

I'd also try to remember that wonderful as you think he is...if he is ignoring your deep needs that you are making very clear he is not the great partner you think he is

There’s a lady called Tania Moran who can coach you through this situation if you struggle with being assertive in relationships. She’s very good. www.lyndalove.net

House married and settles can happen at any point. Babies can't really wait at 37.

You need to have a frank conversation with him and take control of your own life a little here. If he's not game for the same, then you need to set a hard boundary and accept it's not what you think it is if he's not on the same page. I.e. if he isn't then he isnt the right one.

Set a date and be really clear you’re not willing to budge. If he doesn’t want what you want then move on. Don’t fall for vague assurances and fairytales.

At 37 you could very well be highly fertile- I was, conceived at 36 and 38 with absolutely no problem. Or you could not be, personally I wouldn’t wait much longer to roll the dice.

Thank you all for your feedback. It's given me the clarity to see that it needs to move from, "I want these things, do you want these things?" to "here's the plan. Do you agree?" It's such a deeply emotional issue for me that it's hard to take that pragmatic approach with it. Especially as the conversation tends to result in him saying we're going around in circles and he's already told me he does want these things...and then nothing happens.

Part of the context here is that as someone else pointed out - yes, this is a change of script from me. We were both very ambiguous on these things at the beginning. But then I uprooted my life, quit my job, left my city to move in with him, and this feels like a very different chapter for me where these bigger things should come next. I've been saving for a house for years and have a big chunk of savings to my name, so there's urgency with me in getting these things done now - I just feel like I hit the same wall, and then "we're not that long together", although things moved quickly from the start and I know he believes I'm his partner for life.

Then to agree with this ^^ I don’t think 18 months is long enough to know someone and to go from a free and adventurous mind set to settled / married/ kids, he might well want these things, just not on your timeline unfortunately

If you leave it up to him, you could be sitting here in 5+ years time still without baby unmarried etc realising he never had any intention to do either of those things.

I know some men who get with women and are with them for many years , no commitment etc say they are not ready, they break up , and rhen the guy quickly marries & has children with the next woman.

I know you haven't been with him super long, but I'd be scared that he was just with you until something better comes along, which I've seen plenty of circumstances of that happening.

If he really does want to be with you, He will understand these things are important to you, and should want to make you happy. As others said, give him a gentle deadline.

If he doesn't, then you have 2 options ,

Stay with him & hope he eventually does want to try for kids etc, will it be too late then?

Leave him, and try to find someone who has similar wants in life as yours

He’s just playing dumb because he’s got a nice comfy setup and you’ve provided him with too much reassurance by moving your whole life to be with him. He’s got lazy. You’re going to have to stop buying into the bullshit.

I think it's really cruel for someone to string their partner along, promising commitment but never really giving it. Your concerns are totally legitimate and if he's keen, why wait? He needs to stop messing you around and get moving.

Yep definitely. Move from "Do you want these things?" (which he's answered) to "In that case, this is the timescale". I'm afraid you will have to drive this. Sounds like he is laid-back and not a planner. Don't wait around for a proposal or whatever, just think about what needs to happen when, and put it to him.

You need to be trying for a baby now. House and marriage can wait.

Do you have a job in your new location? In your position I would prioritise that and then I'd prioritise buying a house. Make plans to move into it. Then you're not reliant on him for somewhere to live.

I don't think he has your best interests at heart but you being financially independent of him, buying your own place and potentially moving into it will smoke him out.

i think you need to talk timelines.
Ok, you want to be with me forever and you're open to kids. So what's the timeline for kids because at 37 my options are not open ended. If he's saying "oh at some point...." then the decision is - are you happy to stay with him childless or would you prefer to risk finding someone else / doing it alone?

Ok so we've agreed on kids. I want to be married first, for the security so how do you feel about booking something small? When shall we do it? Within 6 months of now and agree date and book.

The house is harder - the market is crazy. Is there anything wrong with where you are re kids? Is it that it feels like "his"? Is it that you feel your savings in a bank arent good value? Can you afford to buy yourself soemthing small? If its really important to get your own place, ok what's the deadline? Agree a timeline for getting the house sellable and then getting it on the market.

Ultimately if he's being very vague, then you have to make a big decision.

I think your top priority should be trying for a baby, given your age and that you don't know if you can have them as have never tried- I'm so sorry to sound negative but I'm your age and have been trying for 2 years and nothing- it's something you need to be aware it may take time.

The other parts- house and marriage can come whenever. Your partner owns the house so not like you're gonna get kicked out any time soon so at least you have that security.

I really hope you get what you want from your conversation- disagree with other posters who say he's not 100% committing to you. As he's never been bothered about babies and marriage- to him this probably is his 100% given the fact he said he wants to be with you forever x

This happened to my friend. Adventurous lifestyle lived all over the world moved country to be with a man but only 30. Thought she'd made it clear she wanted marriage and children pronto, he didn't so she left. You need to do similar.

If you want a baby you need to get going with that now.

There’s no time for “maybe one day”.

Better to find out now if he’s up for that than waste these last years of fertility.

The only thing you might not be able to do when much older is have children.
So I'd prioritise that.
You can get married and buy a house at any stage
Just don't end up financially dependent if you aren't married
And make sure you could leave with the child if it didn't work out and you wanted to return to your home country. Or you can stay and legally work if not married - which i assume you can as you are there now.

Out of interest, OP, how did you end up moving and not him?

Thanks guys. He is incredibly laidback and not great at getting things done - tbh we both are. I've prioritised my career to the detriment of my personal life up until very recently - high stress chaotic jobs that burned me out and left little room for me to develop relationships or have any meaningful change in my personal life. Meeting him changed all that.

I didn't bring up marriage, babies etc before moving because at that stage, they weren't at least consciously important to me. I just wanted to move and to be with him, and to get out of my stressful job. I did that, took some time off and got another job in my new city after a few months. It's been really busy for both of us with work, and then this creeping feeling that "life" needs to start for me in a new way - it's probably only really in the last 6 months or so that I've been feeling this way.

I love and trust him implicitly, and am aware that I've very quickly changed the script, and am holding a gun to his head. For good reason - but all the same. I beginning to feel resentful that I gave it all up - at my own behest I should stress - and he's not really had to change anything as I've moved into his home, in his hometown, he's still working away at the same job etc. He had a long-term partner of 16 years before I came along and they never progressed to marriage or even moving in - which I think pays tribute to the fact that he's not great at getting things done, moving quickly etc. It's really beginning to worry me.