37 and feeling the pressure - boyfriend is not

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi mumsnet,

Newly regged to see what you folks think or can advise on this.

I'm 37 and with my partner a little over a year and a half. When we got together I had been single a few years and had accepted the fact that I might not meet someone, have babies, get married, all the rest of it. I've lived a pretty adventurous life with a strong focus on career and travel, this wasn't the be all and end all to me at the time.

About a year ago I relocated countries to move in with him and start a new chapter together, new job, new neighbourhood all the rest of it. In the last 12 months or so, for the first time in my life I've felt a real urge to settle down - buy a house, get married, have babies. I guess a combination of the timeline kicking in and being in the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The "long term" stuff hadn't really featured as a huge topic of conversation between us before then, as we were both a bit apathetic - didn't know if it was for us, etc.

However, now I'm clear that I want to buy a house together, get married and settle down. It's manifesting as me slightly freaking out every few weeks, as I feel like I don't have enough time to achieve all of these things given I'm uncomfortably close to 40 - and I'm yet to feel any urgency from him. Every time we have the conversation I get: I want to be with you forever, I don't care about everything else. Married isn't massively important to him, he'd like to have kids but it's not a pressing matter, he'd like to buy a house but we're already living in his first home so it's less important to him and the market is crazy at the moment etc etc.

It's left me feeling a bit lonely and like I have no assurance that these things will happen. We'll have the conversation, then weeks will pass with no movement and I'll freak out again, he'll reassure me and back to square one. I don't know how to move beyond this reticence from him. I love him deeply, he's everything I need in a partner beyond this inability to get invested in our future together and to meet me where I am with these things. I have a fear that we'll stay in this holding pattern, I'll be 40, with a long-term "boyfriend" that hasn't fully committed, unable to conceive, still living in his house with my savings depreciating wildly in the bank and I'll be deeply unhappy about it all.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this in a more pragmatic way? How do I get the assurance that I need?

I'm a solo mother by choice (IVF baby using a sperm donor) but was in that situation myself several years ago.

Most men know that once a baby/babies arrives, they become second tier in the ranking system. They quite enjoy the attention they're getting right now, and they know that a child will change that dynamic forever. Most men in my experience bar a few here and there didn't really want child (ren) but were cajoled into having them in order to keep the relationship/woman.

I agree with having a deadline but I'd keep it to myself. No point applying pressure when all it would do is create an atmosphere of ultimatums. He knows your fertility is declining (is at its biological ending point) but doesn't want to feel pressured into making a decision.

I would approach it from the angle that if children are on the agenda you are running out of time and don't want to subject yourself to rounds of ivf if it doesn't happen naturally.

You need to try for a baby asap - the rest can wait.

I started ttc at 37 btw, I am now almost 40 and no baby, just losses and 3 failed IVF rounds. I never expected to be in this position but then noone told me how long it can take to ttc, how common infertility is and how IVF has quite low success rates. So I am telling you…

Unless you can comfortably financially raise a child on your own, I have to disagree about prioritising conception over marriage. Marriage is a financial, legally binding comittment which protects the more vulnerable spouse.

Most likely to be the mother of said child on maternity leave and part time working after the realities of the sacrifices needed to bring up a child are really understood. Don't underestimate how vulnerable being pregnant and sole carer of child makes women. It also lasts best part of 20 years.

You can get a blood test done to check your fertility levels. May have to pay for it. That gives you an indication of how easy trying will be and how soon you need to. I would go to him with facts. Showing him this, if your fertility is dropping will help. Informing him of the increased risk of problems with the baby with increasing age on both your sides (mens sperm quality decreases with age too) may help.

If he doesn't want to, you can't force him, but you can chose whether to stay with him regardless and whether to freeze you your eggs etc. If he's not interested right now, you should look into that option asap (although success and also ease of pregnancy with that are not so good). It at least gives you options.

Good for you. I think IVF with a sperm donor is by far preferable to having a baby with someone who may a) not really want a child and b) not really love you. If the relationship is not secure it is absolutely awful going through a relationship breakdown with a baby or small children and having to negotiate the emotional turmoil of co parenting and everything that brings.

I’m so sorry, I hope it happens for you.

This is the flip side to my super easy at 36/38 story.

The reality is you just have no idea how fertile you are until you TTC. I’m fully aware of how lucky I was.

@Phrenologistsfinger sorry to hear for your losses Op @Phrenologistsfinger

I do hope you get there. IVF isn't the fertility panacea as many as would believe. I know I was also extremely lucky.

As other posters have pointed out, nobody knows how fertile they are until they TTC and there is a live birth at the end. It can be a very stressful and grueling process.

@Whoatealltheminieggs

Thank you and yes I agree with your comments. It wasn't an easy decision by any means, but once I'd decided aged 39 that no man/romantic relationship was worth robbing me off my chance to try to be a parent, the rest was logistical, pragmatic matters to organise.

I agree it’s time for a very frank conversation. Not just what you want in future but when you want it. And then ask if he agrees.

This isn’t an ultimatum, it’s seeing if you want the same things.

I would also educate him a little about biology. It’s amazing how many men still don’t realise how much the chances of conception and carrying to term go down with age.

If you've only dated him a year and a half then it seems too soon to be pressurising him into making promises about the future even if you are doing it with good reason. It's a really tricky situation.

I'm really surprised people are saying a year and a half is short, especially as the OP moved city and they are living together. It might be considered short for a 23 year old, but for a 37 year old?

The only really pressing thing here time wise is a baby (I speak as someone who struggled to conceive so maybe a little biased) so I would focus on that and try to make it the priority - everything else can wait if it needs to, and may just fall into place - I wouldn't push for everything all at once x

It’s not an ultimatum nor pressuring him to say that you want a baby, and because of your age you can’t wait.

Stating your needs is not wrong.

I think you've rewritten the script quite dramatically here and - unpopular opinion klaxon - I don't blame your partner for being a bit reticent. He fell in love with quite a different person, who was probably more on his page than you seem to be now.

If you want these things - baby, marriage, house etc - then I don't think this is the man for you, and if those are more important to you, you should probably try to end things as amicably as possibly and crack on with your plans, possibly alone.

I agree. When you get to that age you generally know the score. My now DH proposed after a year together, we married after 18 months and now have 2 children.

We’d both been married before, we both knew what we wanted and we discussed everything like grown ups.

Also agree with this. Women are conditioned to put our needs last.

It might sound silly, but does he understand female fertility? My partner wasn't keen to have babies when I first mentioned it. After long discussion I told him, at my age, it mat well be now or never. I explained the stats to him a bit. Then we cracked on with trying to conceive. (Which went badly and we ended up with ivf. So lucky we started when we did!!!).

All I know, from experience, is that waiting past 37 to start trying for a baby is a big mistake. Unfortunately youre with someone youve only been in a relatively short relationship with. Rushing into parenthood could be a huge mistake for either or both of you. Sadly there are no easy answers, OP.

You just need to change the 'focus' of your next conversation from 'do you want' to 'when will we', because you've done the whole conversation several times now, with zero action.

He's already 'reassured' you that he DOES want the same things (supposedly wants them anyway), but neither of you has actually said 'OK, why don't we look at houses next week' or 'why don't we plan a wedding for Sep' etc etc

I think YOU need to be the one to say 'OK, lets get married in Sep then ? And we can try to conceive straight away after the wedding ?'

The buying a house can be done at any time after the wedding surely ?

Don't be fobbed off with 'Oh, but we'll need to save first' or 'Well I wanted to travel more first' etc etc, because they're simply delaying tactics. The longer he can delay, the longer he can keep you exactly where he likes you i.e Hanging on to a promised future that will never materialize !

(And it's actually amazing how these types of men seem to have zero problem 'settling down' with someone ELSE within WEEKS sometimes, the whole proposal/wedding/house/baby etc within MONTHS of meeting them ! )

To be fair to him
when you met you didn’t give him any idea that you wanted kids house and the picket fence

You have changed the plan which is fine

But he’s also entitled to say this isn’t what I want and not what you said you wanted when we got together :

Although any man who gets with a woman over 30 and doesn’t have kids really need to accept that they most very likely want to have a baby at some point .

And if they don’t want kids they need to move on

You've given him all of the power over your relationship, so of course he's in no hurry, and you've already figured out that loving him isn't enough for you to be happy.

You have to tell him what you want, and when you want it by. If he doesn't agree you need to move on. Stop allowing yourself to be strung along.

We've looked at houses, he's set up alerts for house searches, he's tried to set up an appointment with a mortgage advisor and it's not come to fruition yet.

On babies - he said recently he doesn't think I really want babies, as I've been vocal about the changes it will introduce and he's felt I've mostly been on the fence (like him) since we met. And on marrying - he's been blatant that that's not a priority to him during one of our conversations recently. My sister made comments to him during a visit recently and he said it was "a matter of time".

I think there's a few things I'm struggling with here: first of all, my own changing feelings and the pressure that comes with suddenly feeling this urge to settle down and realising my age and the carefree lifestyle I've lived for most of my life so far. I think it's causing him to not fully take me seriously. And secondly, his lack of urgency. He wants these things but "it's a matter of time". What time is there to take? I've moved in with him, gave up my life for him, I'll be 40 in a few years, how long is "a matter of time" if I want to have our forever home and be engaged / married before having a child? I have such a different sense of urgency because there IS no time to take here - at least not for me.

Added to that, we both have extremely busy jobs and that takes over most of our weeks, so weeks can pass with absolutely no progression being made, and as we all know, weeks become months and months become years. Without the urgency, how can any of these things get done?

Then you need to be very clear.

We need to revisit the baby conversation. I know you think I don't want babies or that I'm ambivalent. I was. I've changed my mind. I want babies before I'm 40 and I want to be married first. Is that an issue for you?

You need to prioritise starting a family as that’s the only thing with a time limit. He must understand biology and know that?! If not, gently remind him! If he’s serious about you then he will understand that he can’t just continue resting on his laurels. And don’t assume that you’ll be able to conceive as soon as you decide to- it can be difficult, I’m speaking from experience.😞 You don’t want to end up with huge regrets xx