37 and feeling the pressure - boyfriend is not

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi mumsnet,

Newly regged to see what you folks think or can advise on this.

I'm 37 and with my partner a little over a year and a half. When we got together I had been single a few years and had accepted the fact that I might not meet someone, have babies, get married, all the rest of it. I've lived a pretty adventurous life with a strong focus on career and travel, this wasn't the be all and end all to me at the time.

About a year ago I relocated countries to move in with him and start a new chapter together, new job, new neighbourhood all the rest of it. In the last 12 months or so, for the first time in my life I've felt a real urge to settle down - buy a house, get married, have babies. I guess a combination of the timeline kicking in and being in the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The "long term" stuff hadn't really featured as a huge topic of conversation between us before then, as we were both a bit apathetic - didn't know if it was for us, etc.

However, now I'm clear that I want to buy a house together, get married and settle down. It's manifesting as me slightly freaking out every few weeks, as I feel like I don't have enough time to achieve all of these things given I'm uncomfortably close to 40 - and I'm yet to feel any urgency from him. Every time we have the conversation I get: I want to be with you forever, I don't care about everything else. Married isn't massively important to him, he'd like to have kids but it's not a pressing matter, he'd like to buy a house but we're already living in his first home so it's less important to him and the market is crazy at the moment etc etc.

It's left me feeling a bit lonely and like I have no assurance that these things will happen. We'll have the conversation, then weeks will pass with no movement and I'll freak out again, he'll reassure me and back to square one. I don't know how to move beyond this reticence from him. I love him deeply, he's everything I need in a partner beyond this inability to get invested in our future together and to meet me where I am with these things. I have a fear that we'll stay in this holding pattern, I'll be 40, with a long-term "boyfriend" that hasn't fully committed, unable to conceive, still living in his house with my savings depreciating wildly in the bank and I'll be deeply unhappy about it all.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this in a more pragmatic way? How do I get the assurance that I need?

Well you've allowed for the relationship to take over your life and have given him all the power as the pp has said.

Is it sunk cost fallacy situation? You've no idea if this is a "forever" relationship, nobody does! You can only retrospectively say that bit not now. Be prepared for him to waste more of your time with delaying tactics like "it's only a matter of time".

And on marrying - he's been blatant that that's not a priority to him during one of our conversations recently.

That wouldn't work for me, at all, and if you feel the same, you need to end it now before you squander your chance to have a family. I've seen far too many men string their partner along and then it's too late.

Many men pretend to be on the fence about having children, whilst in reality they don't want them or not for another ten years. They know that women will not have relationships with them if they are honest about this - so they string you along, future-faking whilst running the clock down on your fertility.

You ought to get your fertility MOT done asap. This will give you an indication of your current fertility status. It may or may not already be at a critical stage already. Your partner too could have male factor issues too as he isn't young, much to most people's ignorance, men's age also impacts their sperm quality, again impossible to know but you need to also have the conversation around possible fertility issues and how you'd handle those and how far you're prepared to go.

@wonderingwonderingwondering it all sounds good, try not to freak out too much! It’s really difficult though, the time line gets us all.
The first thing to say is- marriage, babies, house- these are all really big things! Which one do you want first? Which is most important.
I’d suggest babies or marriage depending on your outlook. Would you be happy with a small wedding? If so that’s great - that’s an easy one to float I would say something like “I would really love for us to be married by x time (end of the year?), nothing big just close family” say it once, say it loud, say it cheerfully. Ask him if there’s anything holding him back- if not, you have to trust he’ll come good. If you want something more elaborate- you might want to wait until after buy a house.

Next… maybe baby? I would recommend you do everything in your power to get ready for this yourself, no need to loop him in too much. If he wants children and he’s not against having them nowish this is something you can drive. Get a Mira fertility monitor (expensive but worth it) start tracking your hormones now (obviously you need to come off any birth control first) and when the time comes (ie when you both agree to start trying) you will be well poised to get pregnant pretty quickly, all else being well.

House- maybe this is one that can wait a bit? When you have a baby it will become apparent what it is you want from a property longer term. If this is really important to you then maybe put a big wedding on the back burner.

It sounds like you are worried that you’ve made quite a lot of sacrifices already for this relationship and you’re feeling anxious that he’s a bit relaxed about it. Honestly though it sounds like you have a very good relationship, he’s probably really keen to make you happy, and some clarity on how he can do that will help him make sure it happens. You have to have a certain amount of trust in him I’m afraid, you can’t control this 100% but you can make it easier for both of you.

This!!

Firstly its poasible to have kids beyond 40 if that's wjats on the cards for you. I know my beat mates Dad remarried his wife was 41 amd convienced naturally and 2 years later had a second child. Her Dad is nearly 60!!

I was similar before I married that was in my early 30s as I wanted a big family and knew it might not be possible.
Anyway it happened eventually BUT the difference was when I met hubby then we had a serious chat about family future plans finances housing etc etc. (I'm Muslim) we didn't date. So I would urge people if your gping into a commited relationship - you relocated countries for this Man then have theae conversations before quiting your Job and moving etc. Have a timeline and somwthing to work towards.

Besides he may already be planning an engagement soon and you could be sabotaging it 😆
I am like you and most women we need an idea with a timeline to work with.
I'm not sure what to suggest now. But kids post 40 is possible and normal.

Hmm. I think this is a tricky one. You’re not BU for feeling how you feel - everyone is entitled to change their mind about things that weren’t previously important to them - but this must be a bit of a bolt from the blue for him.

It’s making me think about my own situation. My partner and I don’t live together but have discussed him moving into my flat next year, then buying our own together further down the line. I told him on the first date that I don’t want children and he says he doesn’t either. I’m also not mad about marriage as I don’t love it’s history rooted in sexist traditions.

If he moved in and suddenly declared he wanted us to buy our own home immediately, get married and have kids, I’d be baffled and actually pretty annoyed because they aren’t the terms on which we got together. I certainly wouldn’t share any sense of urgency - I’d actually be questioning the relationship and we’d end up breaking up because I really don’t want kids.

Does your partner want them? He needs to be honest about how he feels about this change of heart of yours rather than being vague, because if he really doesn’t want marriage or kids then this obviously isn’t the relationship for you (or you need to decide whether you want to to stay with him without these things). But I don’t think he can be blamed for not feeling the urgency when up until a few months ago neither of you wanted these things, and entered into the relationship on that basis.

Be crystal clear about what you want and how serious you are.

Don't give him an ultimatum just tell him your intentions.
Eg want to be married and trying to have a baby in the next 6 months.
If this doesn't happen tell him you need to move on without him to find what you know you want.

If you don't do this you'll find yourself childless at 43 deeply resentful and he'll decide he does want kids and he'll move on to quickly have them with some 33 year old who doesn't resent him.

I've seen this happen several times to women I know.

“He had a long-term partner of 16 years before I came along and they never progressed to marriage or even moving in - which I think pays tribute to the fact that he's not great at getting things done, moving quickly etc. It's really beginning to worry me.”

No it’s because it’s not what he wanted.

I suspect his partner of 16 years wanted all of that too. He might well have strung her along until she gave up.

He saw in you an adventurous, career driven, traveller - not wife and kids.

I would be very careful here. It seems he has form.

Is he older than you?

If you want a baby give him and deadline (v soon) and a consequence (need to separate) and see it through.

Also what are your plans for your large amount of cash? Can you ring fence it - are you clear of the legality of moving it in and out of a country or via property or via marriage. You could potentially lose a lot here.

IMHO no man is worth no children. I can’t identify one woman in my social circle / experience who is happy with that compromise. I know a few in this situation who are desperately sad - even decades later.

I think starting to try for a baby together if he agrees and absolutely wants to make a future with you must be the priority here. Sometimes post 35 it does take a bit longer and so starting earlier is better and really takes the pressure off as you'll have more fertile years. I started ttc at 40 and though I'm very hopeful, am still waiting and that was partly due to waiting til my partner was in the right place to want to make this a priority. Don't wait if you're both sure as it rarely happens in the first couple of months.

OP, the whole 'it's a matter of time' line is just that, a line.

It's a line he fed his last girlfriend, and no doubt will string the next one along with the same if you decide to stop waiting for him to be 'ready' !

It's up to you to set a timeline for when YOU want these things to happen. Set a date for a wedding or for when you will TTC. If he's still not on board, then you have your answer.

18 months is way to soon to even plan this stuff you are still in the getting to know stage really you moved in really quickly and changed all the goal posts

A man who is practical, loves you, and wants the same things you do will be able to make this happen. If he lacks any of those three, you don't want him.

I spent my 20s and early 30s dating idiots. But I was an idiot too -- I didn't frankly and with confidence communicate what I wanted. Met my DH when I was 35, told him I was unwilling to move in with him unless engaged, and that I wanted to try for children. Happily married in a year, two DC, but most importantly an honest relationship where agree our path together. My exes are now mid 40s, still single and looking for a perfect woman who does not exist and I could never have been.

Your boyfriend may want something totally different than you do. That's OK and doesn't make him a bad person, but you need to agree on a plan, or decide what you do next.

I wonder how compatible you really are if you have had a stellar career with travel and excitement and he has stayed in the same town, relationship and job for decades…..

You've been so clear and honest here about what you want. What are you frightened of with him?

Think carefully about the extent to which you want marriage. That can be sorted in a few weeks if needed.

Think carefully about whether you would want a DC with him 'under any circumstances'. If it doesn't work out between you, could you co-parent?

Talk to him about your separate / joint finances / assets. How would these work if you stay together. What do you want to own separately / together?

You are clearly very self-aware and you're right - you're on a timetable, and he isn't. You have changed your mind really, but that's OK.

For me, I would take the nuclear option.

I would tell him that "look, being married, to you, is now really important to me. And then, I'd like to try for children ASAP, but I know that may or may not happen. And we need to decide what to do with the house / savings etc. I'd like to know where you stand on this stuff, because I think I'm pretty set on this now. I'm happy for you to have a few days to think about things, and happy to talk more. But this is what I really want. If you don't want that too, then it's only fair to both of that we're honest with ourselves about it. What do you think?"

I would be brave to consider what it would be like if you had a baby with him, married and invested all your money in a property in his country and the relationship ended…..what would it involve to disentangle yourself from this legally and financially (what are the rules in this country?) and what would it be like to live there indefinitely as a single parent - as you may not be able to return to your home country to raise your child.

If it was me I think I would be having the baby conversation first as at 37 that seems what you may be most worried about.
I would try and mention your the happiest you have ever been and want to do that with him. Could you plan a date night so he can’t get distracted and you have his full attention. As a man he may be more laid back about these things as clock isn’t ticking etc. I think the house and wedding can fall into place in time.

Hi OP, I was in a very similar situation with my ex of 2 years. We loved each other but things just felt stuck. He said all the right things about wanting house, marriage, kids but never made any progress on it despite my nagging, doing a lot of the legwork to move it forward. He too would tell people (and me) that of course all these things will happen but had no set timeframe.

I was 36 and finally gave him a timeline of when i needed things to happen - all working backwards from my absolute latest age of being 38 when i wanted to start trying for a child. He agreed, and nodded along. But STILL didn't have any enthusiasm or real desire to change. I didn't want to be in situation where he resented me for forcing him into a life he didn't want, or have it brought up during arguments that he only did it for me etc.

So I broke up with him. And it hurt because i loved him so much, but love alone isn't enough for a long term partnership. If I had been 25 I would have been happy to let him take his time, but mid 30s and not on the same page wasn't ok.

What I realised when we broke up, is that I feel a lot lighter, as at least my life is in my control now. And I have the hope of meeting someone than feeling trapped and resentful. Worst case if I don't meet anyone I can plan for my own future - be it being a single mum or something else. I didn't realise how much misery his lack of progress or enthusiasm for the same future was causing me.

I recently met someone else who seems much more on the same page about timelines. Obviously it may not work out, but I'm enjoying the hope it will, rather than that sinking feeling it won't. Also if in time, he does change his mind and you're still available, you could give it a go then. For now, just give him a timeline, explain the urgency and then wait and watch. If nothing changes in a few months - you have your answer. But he definitely needs a kick up the bum that you won't be hanging around indefinitely, I reckon he's just taking you for granted. Hence the lack of action.

Op take a hard, honest look at where you want to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years time...if thats a life with children, you need to take firm action NOW.
I was you, fiercely independent and career driven until l hit 34, then it suddenly changed as l realised l had little time left and it was now or never to try for children, l had some difficulties, 2 ectopics, but was lucky and had 2 children just before my 40th.
Some of my similarly minded friends were not so lucky and are childless now, essentially they waited for men to decide then it got too late, l told my DH l was going to focus entirely on getting pregnant and completely changed my stressful lifestyle, had he not been on board our marriage may not have survived.
We had only been married a short time but fertility does not wait.
If you have any chance of a future with him, you must be brave, and be blunt, tell him you are not waiting and is he on board....
BTW having my DCs has brought me the most joy of anything in my life and l wish l had had time to have more.
Don't have regrets, go it alone if you can afford to and he is not willing..
Good luck.

Tell him if he's serious that you're the one he wants a family with, you're stopping contraception.
You made a huge commitment coming to his country, it's his turn to get serious.
I'm sorry but I think you've got to push it to a decision, not an ultimatum, but a declaration of what's happening here.

I'm very much a fan of marriage then children, but if you're in the strongest financial situation here, that can wait.

Thank you all. You have no idea how helpful it is to read similar experiences, and the bluntness around how serious this is. And that I'm not unreasonable - that's my biggest insecurity here. That it is all just so much damn pressure, sometimes I think my head is going to explode. We have had a blissful, peaceful relationship - it's been the biggest game-changer in my life so far to have met him. He's the whole reason my mind has changed. I want to be married TO HIM. I want to have HIS BABIES.

My biggest fear is the delta this is going to draw between us. Him not sharing my urgency is heartbreaking. His complacency and defensiveness when I bring these things up - "I do want those things, but you need to be patient / the market is crazy / look how busy we are" etc etc - it scares me. And I feel like I want HIM more than I want all of these things - but I will resent him if we plod along and I miss the boat on kids. If he can't be proactive enough to show me his commitment by proposing to me. If he can't share the burden of the workload in pushing these things, because that is going to be huge.

To add more context / complication: my new(ish) job is extremely stressful and not the right fit for me. It's been a long few months of onboarding, adapting to the workload, and interviewing for other roles on the side because it's not the right company for me. That's been hard for him (and me obviously), and I've really struggled to separate work from life and I think it might be adding to the stress of me layering all of these things onto him. It pays the bills for now, and I'm not about to let it stall my life plans, but I know it's been hard for him to see me struggle with the new job on top of the sudden desire for all these big life things.

And to clarify, we are from the same country. I moved home, albeit to a new city. That's been symbolic for me too, to be back in my home country and finally close to family and finally putting roots down after years abroad.

Apart from potential dwindling fertility, the stand out issue for me is that you moved to a different country.

If you have children be prepared to stay in this country forever (or at least until they are 18) - if you split up you likely would not be able to return home with them.

This happened to a friend of mine - her marriage broke down, her children were 4 and 2 and she lives across the world from her whole family. She would love to return home but can't (and fully understands her ex-h position btw).

I think there's a few things I'm struggling with here: first of all, my own changing feelings and the pressure that comes with suddenly feeling this urge to settle down and realising my age and the carefree lifestyle I've lived for most of my life so far. I think it's causing him to not fully take me seriously. And secondly, his lack of urgency. He wants these things but "it's a matter of time". What time is there to take? I've moved in with him, gave up my life for him, I'll be 40 in a few years, how long is "a matter of time" if I want to have our forever home and be engaged / married before having a child? I have such a different sense of urgency because there IS no time to take here - at least not for me.

The urge to settle down just seemed to happen for you though, he hasn't got that yet which is why it's a matter of time for him.

If those things weren't on his radar at all then 6 months isn't really a lot of time to get on board, especially if you're freaking out every few weeks when there is no movement on it. That's not really giving him any breathing space to think about it properly and come to his own conclusions about whether he wants it or not or start to actually visualise it himself and get excited about it.

About a year ago I relocated countries to move in with him and start a new chapter together, new job, new neighbourhood all the rest of it

When you first moved there had you talked about what the future would look like? and if so what did that involve?

Ah x posted regarding the country issue!