37 and feeling the pressure - boyfriend is not

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi mumsnet,

Newly regged to see what you folks think or can advise on this.

I'm 37 and with my partner a little over a year and a half. When we got together I had been single a few years and had accepted the fact that I might not meet someone, have babies, get married, all the rest of it. I've lived a pretty adventurous life with a strong focus on career and travel, this wasn't the be all and end all to me at the time.

About a year ago I relocated countries to move in with him and start a new chapter together, new job, new neighbourhood all the rest of it. In the last 12 months or so, for the first time in my life I've felt a real urge to settle down - buy a house, get married, have babies. I guess a combination of the timeline kicking in and being in the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in. The "long term" stuff hadn't really featured as a huge topic of conversation between us before then, as we were both a bit apathetic - didn't know if it was for us, etc.

However, now I'm clear that I want to buy a house together, get married and settle down. It's manifesting as me slightly freaking out every few weeks, as I feel like I don't have enough time to achieve all of these things given I'm uncomfortably close to 40 - and I'm yet to feel any urgency from him. Every time we have the conversation I get: I want to be with you forever, I don't care about everything else. Married isn't massively important to him, he'd like to have kids but it's not a pressing matter, he'd like to buy a house but we're already living in his first home so it's less important to him and the market is crazy at the moment etc etc.

It's left me feeling a bit lonely and like I have no assurance that these things will happen. We'll have the conversation, then weeks will pass with no movement and I'll freak out again, he'll reassure me and back to square one. I don't know how to move beyond this reticence from him. I love him deeply, he's everything I need in a partner beyond this inability to get invested in our future together and to meet me where I am with these things. I have a fear that we'll stay in this holding pattern, I'll be 40, with a long-term "boyfriend" that hasn't fully committed, unable to conceive, still living in his house with my savings depreciating wildly in the bank and I'll be deeply unhappy about it all.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this in a more pragmatic way? How do I get the assurance that I need?

I know this isn't what your post is about, but having been in the same situation you saying 'I've uprooted my life for him' really jumps out. You have to knock this feeling on the head right now and accept you moved of your own free will, otherwise this could cause massive resentment between you even if you do come to an agreement on the marriage and kids thing. Your updates give the impression that you don't feel responsible for your own happiness and I'm not sure that's a healthy mindset in general

That's a fair observation. I moved home because it was time for me to move home, meeting him just made the decision more urgent. I think I need to reflect on thid a bit more, as I've constructed this "I did X Y Z and your life didn't change at all" narrative in my head and I really don't want to turn the best relationship I've ever had into something toxic and unhealthy. Thanks for that feedback.

I had a chat with him this evening. Well, I got emotional again. He reiterated that he does want all the same things, he wants to be married to me, he wants kids, the house, everything. And that those things don't happen overnight, and that he's been the one driving the house / mortgage thing but we've both also been incredibly busy so I have to be reasonable in my expectations. I don't feel reasonable right now, I feel stressed and out of control and maybe a bit angry at myself for just "realising" these things so late. Chasing and chasing and chasing my career and moving to different countries and thinking I could do it all and have it all and not placing too much stock in planning the future.

Anyway. I'm abroad with work for a few days and I've asked him to have a real think about what he wants in the next 5-10 years while I'm away and we'll discuss things more when I'm back. I think that's when an actual plan needs to come together, because I don't think either of us wants to live with me panicking every few months when it all overwhelms me and getting upset.

I don’t think he wants kids. He might like sound of them as a vague concept but the commitment, responsibility and sacrifices that come with parenthood, nah, I don’t think he’s up for it. I suspect he’s biding his time waiting for you to revert back to ambivalent woman he first met.

As much as you love him, I think fundamentally you want different things (despite what he says). I think you’ve got the ‘the ideal package’ blinkers on and you’re failing to take notice that he’s not really up for the ride.

Couple of points:

1. a fertility MOT might be helpful to identify issues but it is not a failsafe. I passed mine with flying colours, on paper I have excellent fertility. I produce plenty of eggs but they are poor quality because of my age (38-39). The only way you find that out is by combining the eggs with sperm to form embryos and those embryos don’t make it. You cannot test for egg quality unfortunately.

1. Don’t rely on anecdotes if someone whose cousin/sister/gran had a baby when they were in their 40s. Only some women can conceive in their 40s easily, some can conceive after multiple losses (which are horrible things to go through) and some cannot at all. Or some can conceive with the donor eggs of a younger woman. It is different if you are ttc #1 as well. My maternal Grandma had a third baby at 46 but at 39 I am struggling to even get embryos.

All I am saying is stuff I wish I had been told. You might be fine, you might not…. But it is a gamble to leave it and I don’t want any woman to have to go through what I am now.

And that those things don't happen overnight, and that he's been the one driving the house / mortgage thing but we've both also been incredibly busy so I have to be reasonable in my expectations. I don't feel reasonable right now

Well technically babies do happen overnight. One night, the result 9 months later.

A 5-10 year plan is fine if you don’t want kids, if you do it’s no good. You need a 2 year plan. Start trying to conceive in the next 6 months.

I suspect he doesn’t want kids right now and you need to decide if you would rather find someone who does or commit to him if it means childlessness.

So if he has told you that he wants to be married to you, what is preventing you (both of you not just you I mean) from starting to organise it? I don’t get the impression you are waiting for an elaborate proposal, or does he think you are?

Honestly
16 years with his ex and no kids or marriage is a red flag in a few way for me
its unusual in that normally you would expect one or the other to have happened after that amount of time

Ive been married 23 years this year
No kids together as that is what we decided
but we did meet and get married within 3 months 😂

Personally I think he doesn’t want kids or marriage but he is saying that as he doesn’t want you to leave

and I don’t believe that men aren’t aware that the older a women is the harder it can be to get pregnant . Men are thick they might act like it and pretend they don’t know but I think they are just keeping the girlfriend until they meet the future wife

The amount of men I know personally ( I would need all my fingers and most of my toes ) who gave all the right signals and murmured the right words , marriage, baby, and buy a house “but not just yet “ never did with that girlfriend but when they split up they are married within a year and triplets on the way 😂

And if he says he wants to marry you
what exactly is stopping you from doing it
It can’t be the cost because you can get married for a few hundred quid

for reference my DH said he wanted to get married to me and we were married within 3 months

Don't end up being one of those women who end up waiting and then their partners end up with someone younger and more fertile because they as a man don't have to worry about a biological clock.

My friend is 32 and her partner is 43;they've been together about 5 years and are engaged and have a 2 year old together.

My friends partner had been single for only about 6 months when he asked her out;his previous LTR had ended because he didn't want kids/marriage yet if at all.

His ex who's around the same age as him decided she wasn't going to hang around waiting on him.

When my friend started dating him she laid her cards on the table.Family was everything to her;she's always wanted to be a mum,she always imagined she'd be married to the father of her children and she wanted to be a mum before she turned 30.She wouldn't normally consider being in a relationship with someone his age and she didn't do commitment phobic men either.If he didn't want to the same things she did then he could walk away and allow her to find someone who did want those things.

If you want a baby you need start trying. Everything else can wait.

There is a possibility you are panicking...but then you are 37 so the time IS now.

"I do want those things, but you need to be patient / the market is crazy / look how busy we are" etc etc - it scares me.

I think there will always be a reason with him I'm afraid. You've only been together a year and a half, but it sounds like he's stalling. Unless you live in a shoebox on the breadline, the baby can be first and the house can come later. It will probably be more stressful house hunting and moving with a baby but not having a baby at all because of his timeline will be much worse for you.

We've looked at houses, he's set up alerts for house searches, he's tried to set up an appointment with a mortgage advisor and it's not come to fruition yet.

Maybe i’m misunderstanding something but your statement here about him trying to set up an appointment with a mortgage advisor seems a bit woolly to me compared to his statement about being the one to drive the house issue?

Setting up an alert takes 1 minute. Looking at houses is more effort of course, but looking is just that - looking. If you are in his house surely he already knows how to contact a mortgage advisor so why has this failed to come to fruition yet?

I don’t think he wants marriage and babies. He was with someone for a long time and never moved in with her and you uprooted yourself and moved for him - as you say, he didn’t do anything off his own back. You relocated countries for him - I wonder, did his ex live in the same country? If so it may explain why he never lived with her even being with with for so long, but you he lets move in…least he could do for someone who moved an entire country to be with him.

Sorry my post is cynical but it doesn’t sound at all to me like he is the marriage and babies type.

i don’t agree with the people telling you to crack on with conceiving. It would be very risky and having a child with a man who lives in another country could put you in a very tricky situation. If you were to take the child out of the country and return to your original country you would be breaking the law. You could end up trapped in an unfamiliar country with no family. The Hague convention now sees 75 percent of cases brought to caught are brought against women, many whose relationships have broken down or they’re the victims of domestic violence. Some are imprisoned and the children given to the father. www.hague-mothers.org.uk/about/

I'd start by reversing this

Get up at 1am and YOU wake HIM up. Take him out without speaking on a lead then back in. Nudge this back until it meets with him actually going to bed

@Whoatealltheminieggs op says above that she and her partner are both from the same country.

He shouldn’t commit to having a baby unless he also actively wants one. He doesn’t ‘owe’ you a baby he doesn’t currently want because you’ve given things up to be with him. That was your choice.

18 months may not be a short relationship for some people, but it is for others. Things can move quickly when you share a mindset, but by the sounds of it your mindset has done quite a dramatic change, quite quickly. It doesn’t sound like his has changed though, and it’s not really fair to expect it to. Now you have to question whether you remain compatible.

This is not likely to help. ;)

It’s true that 18 months is not a long time for most people to have to decide whether they want a baby or not, but sadly she doesn’t have the luxury of putting fertility off, so if he really does feel she’s the one, then he ought to understand the “urgency”.

I met my husband at 37, I told him at the start I wanted a family. He was perfectly understanding. He wanted me to be happy. We did get engaged fairly quickly, married within two years. Sadly babies never happened for me. I truly believe it was two late. Some people are lucky later, others aren’t. I’m still with him and very happy.

OP it’s good that you’re in your home country. It makes things easier if it doesn’t go your way. I’d tell him, one more time, that if you’ve not got any further forward on this matter by the end of the year, and you don’t mean a few crumbs/promises, but actual plans/progress, you’ll move on. And do - call his bluff. But cover all eventualities- look into sperm donors. Don’t buy a house together until the other parts of the plan are definite. Weigh up what you could buy alone. I have a feeling that this guy is going to be flaky/not put his money where his mouth is. He’s happy where he is.

Time is now op.stop giving him time.ovwr and over.i think your scared also you think he's the one so if not him who.but that won't change his or your stance.and he clearly will just try to keep stalling and then you'll live with misery and regret.better to move on and try finding your person.hes not it.you don't fit anymore.thats ok.it happens but you don't have time to wait for him to change which I don think he will.and it's perfectly ok you have.
Don't lose your chance for all those things ok.please dont

Hi OP, I communicated that it was important to me to have children and my time was running out so we started trying within two years of meeting. We set a date for a registry office wedding once the baby arrived as I didn't need a big wedding. There are men out there who can move quickly IF they want the same things. You need to press forward now so you have time to pursue children alone if needs be.

And buying the house has only just happened because in the timeline of what really mattered, that came last.

That’s how I got my (now) husband to marry me too. 😁

Good god

I'm SO sorry op. I meant to post my previous response on a thread about a naughty dog 😁

This is the best mis-post of all time 😂I know we said she should take the lead, but this is going a bit too far!! Please please don't delete it 🙏

I'm 37 too. If I didn't have my implant removed or ask him if we should become engaged we wouldn't have done any of those things. It's annoying but sometimes men need the idea putting in their head. They can always say no.