New relationship - different parts of UK. Can it work?

[9552n]

I've recently met a lovely new man. Haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. He's said similar to me.
We met at an event for a shared interest, held recently in London.
Issues are: I live in the north UK and he's near the south west.
I can't drive (medical reason) so would have to rely on trains to visit him.
Also I'm a single parent to 2 DC who are at primary school.
I'm very settled in my local area, own my house and a good career. Also have my family on the doorstep, as well as friends. Basically my entire support network.
How can we make this work?
It takes him about 4 hours to drive to my city but I can't expect him to drive to see me every time.
Also I've not told my DC about him as it's far too early.

Well how often have you managed to see him since meeting at the event?

Does he have children?

If you both want it to work, you will find away.

when I met my OH we lived 3 hours apart, also both settled in our areas. Due to a series of unforeseen but welcome events, we now split our time fairly equally between the two houses. It does help that my daughter is at her dads every other weekend and we can both work from home a couple of days a week.

If you are looking at trains, the Trainline app will show cheap split tickets. Sometimes I get the train half way.

When we first met we had no idea how we would make it work, it looked fairly impossible at the time, but now we are so glad we stuck together and have a lovely lifestyle.

Does he have children and would one or both of you be prepared in principle to move? If you're happy to have it as long term long distance then fine but on my experience there has to be an end point to long distance.

No he doesn't have children.

Have you seen him since the event?

Yes, have seen him 3 times since the event. First time we met halfway and other 2 he drove to my city.

It will require a move eventually, as you have children then it would have to be him. However long distance dating is hard. I did it once for about 9 months and then we moved in together. It didn’t work out because we just didn’t know each well enough.

But we were young plus when I relocated I got a better job than the one I had been in with a significant pay rise.

It's not 'Can it work?' that you need to be asking. It's 'Do I want this?'

Do you want a long distance relationship? Because there'll be lots of me you'd be compatible with. Some will be far away, some will be near. Why would you choose someone who's a difficult distance away? Are you going to continue to want to travel when you're a year in, and things are getting more humdrum and less exciting?

The long distance thing is hard... Haven't done it in past relationships so it's all new to me.
If my DC were older it would be easier.

And he stayed in a hotel?

cost going to add up!

does your ex have the children EOW?

Well on the 2 occasions he drove up to my city he actually stayed with his cousin, this cousin lives about 15 miles from me with his family.
No - my ex isn't around and isn't involved in the DC's lives. (His choice).
I could leave DC with my sister (she's on the next street to me) for the occasional overnight stay but would feel bad asking her to have them more than 1 night at a time as she's busy with her own DC.

I’m a single parent op
and on the basis of all the detail you’ve provided - I absolutely would not be pursuing this

I live in Wales, partner lives in England- 2hr drive between us. we both work remotely and flexibly so it works, I enjoy him being here but equally having been a sole parent for a long time I enjoy the space to myself when he is at his. Works perfectly for us, but we both drive. if we both worked 9-5 in a fixed office location it wouldn't work. We keep finances totally separate, we are responsible for the upkeep and mortgages on our own places and cars etc, and I have no plans for that to change anytime soon- I like my independence!

Personally, I’d shelve it. It’s too much like hard work and you’re going to come up against so many pressure points, the whole point of a relationship should be that it makes your life easier and more enjoyable, not require military-style logistics to meet only once in a while at huge cost in time and expense. Plus seeing each other once in a while, even with the DC having been introduced, is no proper practice for what it’s going to be like for a childfree man suddenly having to live with two DC he barely knows, and they with him.

But I think if you reckon it’s a goer then this is one of the situations where you have to have “the talk” earlier than normal. You need to be clear with him that moving is going to be far more difficult for you due to the DC and your support network and so the expectation would be that he moves. If he doesn’t see that as something he’s likely to want to do, there’s your answer.

Met my DH, he's from the South, me the North.

Both have children from previous marriages.

In the space of 9 months, we met, fell in love, did some commuting and then he simply moved to my city and rented a room from a friend. We then got engaged, had a wedding, he moved into my place and we have just had an offer accepted on our new home which will become our blended family home.
Oh, I'm also 4 weeks pregnant.

If you both want to make it happen, you will. Good luck.

This all sounds very romantic but what about his DC? Are they still down south?

I wonder how his children feel

This. I wonder how his ex and their DC feel, that he has moved hundreds of miles away, presumably does not see them as often as he used to, and cannot accommodate overnight visits because he’s living in somebody’s spare bedroom, and has started a new family?

Even disregarding that, whilst it might have worked for you, it’s very fast. For one person to give up their job, social circle, connections, life, for a very new relationship is incredibly risky. Not everyone would be willing to do it.

Yeah his poor children. In 9 months their dad has moved away, moved in with a new partner and her children, and has a new baby on the way.

They must be reeling.

And fact the SM doesn’t even mention them beyond their existence speaks volumes

Yes, they are where they both go to secondary school and college. They are primarily resident with their Mum as my children are with me. We still have the same contact that DH had before we met, EOW and school holidays plus whenever he's back in Central London for work which is at least twice a month.

Do the children travel up north EOW?

I did LDR when I was early 20s. There is no way in hell I would do it again. Especially when I was doing all the legwork. My relationship with DH was long distance the first year then we decided to move, but we were both in the same country this time. And we both did the legwork. In your case, with small kids, I wouldn´t be keen.

I didn’t drive when I met my husband. I had a dd and there’s no way I’d have been getting on a train. He just drove to me every weekend and took me out until we got engaged about a year later. If they like you men will travel.