New relationship - different parts of UK. Can it work?

[9552n]

I've recently met a lovely new man. Haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. He's said similar to me.
We met at an event for a shared interest, held recently in London.
Issues are: I live in the north UK and he's near the south west.
I can't drive (medical reason) so would have to rely on trains to visit him.
Also I'm a single parent to 2 DC who are at primary school.
I'm very settled in my local area, own my house and a good career. Also have my family on the doorstep, as well as friends. Basically my entire support network.
How can we make this work?
It takes him about 4 hours to drive to my city but I can't expect him to drive to see me every time.
Also I've not told my DC about him as it's far too early.

Gosh you managed to forge a friendship with the wife.

how so? Considering you live on opposite sides of the country and it’s been 9 months from start to now?! I suspect some porkies 😂

@pixie5121
i think she knows that she’s prioritised her love life over what is actually in her childrens best interest. Hence all the year 9 behaviour in response

No one has mentioned SS or police RTw or even remotely hinted it would be of interest to them

but she seems somewhat focussed on it

OP, my apologies that the nutty MN pearl clutchers have derailed your thread.

My point was if you both want to build a life together, you have the same objectives and take into account the sacrifices made on both sides therefore valuing one another and what you bring to the relationship; then you truly can create something beautiful.

I wish you all the love in the world.

If he's in Bristol there's loads of cities that are "in the north" which are within 3-4hrs drive if the traffic's okay. Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds. Even Newcastle would only be about 4.5hrs.

But @EvenMoreFuriousVexation none of those cities are in the north of UK. Which is why I queried if he was flying

Most people who aren't pedantic Scots recognise that 'the north' means anywhere from the north of England. But thanks for your amazing contribution. I'm sure everyone feels enlightened now.

So you began trying with your partner a grand total of 4 months after first meeting him?

and now he’s your “dh”

it just keeps coming

@BecauseICan22 sounds like my exes girlfriend who introduced her kids to him after 3 weeks, and is moving in with him after just over 4 months. Only way I know it's not is because she's definitely not my friend, after threatening me with social services and the police because I shared a post on FB about domestic abuse

I don't think I would. I had a boyfriend in Germany for 5 years, and I could get to his place more quickly than i could to the north of England., even taking I to consideration the M25 obn a Fridsy evening. In the end, it was not distance that split us, though.

Would very much consider a relationship with someone in Amsterdam, including doing most of the travel (I enjoy airports and flying, or the train,) but he has also done LDRs in the past and finds it frustrating and he has the ties of children and a cat and wants someone local. I know that ultimately he is right not to start something that would quickly be annoying because of circumstances. But I also know I'd book the next ticket if he showed any hint of changing his mind...

But I do not have children so have much more flexibility and fewer ties and considerations. Having children definitely adds a whole new dimension to the pros/cons list, and changes timeliness and makes it all less feasible.

@9552n - If you like him and he likes you then see where things go – where there’s a will, there’s a way.

I regret not pursuing a potential relationship due to the distance between us.
Water under the bridge now but I’d do things differently if I got a second chance. As it stands, I’ll always be left wondering “what if..”

@BecauseICan22 won’t be back, and probably name changing as I write this!

Slightly more realistic scenario here. I live a couple of hours away. But have a flexible job. A year in I live there every other week on my non custody week (mid to late teen kids my end). Once we have sorted the house I still have with my ex we will decide where to live full time. Both drive. It works because of my job, that I drive and the commute is doable and that my kids are older with 2 weeks a month with no custody. Knock any of those elements out and it probably wouldn’t have worked as we both like to be together. For some people, they are fine having space and seeing each other less frequently so can manage more distance and less time together. I just wouldn’t be.

I would only pursue it if one or both of you would be open minded to a move in the future when the time is right. Without making any plans or setting any timescales, I would want to know that now, before wasting my time and getting too attached.

I have a transatlantic relationship so yes it can work, however it is HARD. Be prepared for lots of times you want to see him but can’t. Keep it alive with FaceTime and messages etc, it is hard work.

needs to be an end goal - will he move? Talk about it early before you end up in a situation where you’re stuck. You have kids so ideally he should move.

Also to add, the poster who moved her man in and has been with him 9 months… when I was 19 I met my husband, met him in may and we moved in together in the November. Married 18 months later. We were married for 10 years until he passed away… so it does happen and can work moving in quickly. But I should add we didn’t have kids when we met (we had our first 18m after we married).

TDLR; moving in quick isn’t necessarily a bad thing but I wouldn’t do it if I had kids.

I did meet someone in a different city but my kids were adults (just) it was so hard even though we both drove, after 6 weeks we both knew living 160 miles wasn't working for us and I started to make plans to relocate (I was in the position that it was relatively easy), covid happened and I could move immediately because I was working from home! (Try before you buy) anyway all worked out

@BecauseICan22

At least I'm not alone! (Bar the wedding bit, need to get round to actually getting divorced)

I think it is possible to meet and settle down quickly even with kids. Both me and dh had DC ( although mine was only 3) when we met. We had our first date in the October, got engaged the following March and married that December. That was 6 years ago. Perfectly happy and have a dc together now. With regard to safeguarding we both had quite public roles and I knew his background, DBS status and he mine.

I’m 9 months in a relationship and we are two hours apart. See him every other weekend due to busy lives and we both have teenagers. However, we haven’t met each other’s teens as we’re still getting to know each other and thoroughly enjoying our time together (both late 40s). We speak and video chat daily.

However, several people on this thread have mentioned an end goal. Does there have to be? I’m divorced and live in my own home with two teens, he lives in his own home and has one teen. I have absolutely no plans to live with him or anyone again! I love that we spend time at each other’s homes when teens are with their other parent. So, is living apart unrealistic long term? How common is it? It’s such early days so I’m wondering if there are many couples who live apart after several years together and still remain very happy together without an end goal.

I suppose most people assume that everyone follows the Life Script of dating, getting engaged, getting married, having kids. There doesn't seem to be much understanding of long distance relationships, or even not living together.

Some of the happiest times in my life were in LDRs. I loved having my own space, my own bed (I absolutely loathe sharing a bed with a man), making my own life and friends and still having someone there for me all the time, who I could talk to about anything. I loved going over to spend time, sometimes for a month or two, getting to explore another place and culture, or having them in my city and showing them around.

People say things LDRs aren't 'real' but why do relationships need monotony and drudgery to be real? Why couldn't you just tick along for years enjoying your own lives and spending quality time together every few weeks or whatever?

I think it could work but it's less likely with two kids, especially as you are a single parent. Presumably you would need to make arrangements for them to be cared for by someone else whether you went to his or he came to yours. That sounds like hard work to me, but maybe you have family who often have them for extended periods?

The not-driving doesn't seem to be an issue if the train journey works out ok. Personally I'd rather travel for longer by train than drive long distances - more relaxing. With fuel prices so high, a train wouldn't necessarily work out more expensive, especially if you book ahead and can use a railcard.

I just think it's quite high risk. It will take far longer to get to know whether you are really compatible if you are just having short infrequent meet-ups. You couldn't really introduce your children until you were more sure, and that would mean a long period of needing to find care for them.

And at what point do you decide its viable? When he is prepared to move close to you?

A lot of time could be invested, only for it to lead to heartbreak for either both or one of you. And if a move isn't on the cards for a while, it could get very frustrating once the initial shine has worn off.

It is all more "heavy" and serious when you can't just pop out for a couple of hours to meet up. But I can understand the lure at this stage!

Why couldn’t you just tick along for years enjoying your own lives and spending quality time together every few weeks or whatever?

The man is single, no children, maybe he sees himself as a parent one day too, it isn’t only something women want to do. So that could be one reason why ticking along for years wouldn’t work for him at least.

Troll hunting?

or simply pointing out that @BecauseICan22 is that on the basis of a thread started a couple of days ago… this poster is quite blatantly telling porkies on this thread?

the latter!

But as the only parent in the scenario… His wants and needs have to take second place to what is good for the children.

and rushing things, moving quickly etc… is absolutely not in the best interests of the OP’s children despite it possibly being in the interests of the childless, single man she has met 3x