New relationship - different parts of UK. Can it work?

[9552n]

I've recently met a lovely new man. Haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. He's said similar to me.
We met at an event for a shared interest, held recently in London.
Issues are: I live in the north UK and he's near the south west.
I can't drive (medical reason) so would have to rely on trains to visit him.
Also I'm a single parent to 2 DC who are at primary school.
I'm very settled in my local area, own my house and a good career. Also have my family on the doorstep, as well as friends. Basically my entire support network.
How can we make this work?
It takes him about 4 hours to drive to my city but I can't expect him to drive to see me every time.
Also I've not told my DC about him as it's far too early.

With petrol prices as high as they are and heading into prime summer season for hotels and AirB&Bs, a man willing to do this is also going to have to have an awful lot of spare cash swilling around for his weekend visits to a woman who won’t consider getting on a train.

I live in the north UK and he's near the south west.

I'm struggling to see how this is only a 4 hr drive
Do you mean he drives to somewhere where he can then get on a flight? That's going to be expensive!

Ughhhhh.

You don't know someone in 9 months. It's still the honeymoon period. How do you think it's OK to move your children in with a man you hardly know? Posts like this make me so angry.

The real issue is the kids, not the distance. I've had LDRs in and out of the UK. I actually prefer them because I like my own space and have time consuming hobbies, so don't want to be seeing a partner all the time. But I don't have kids, so I can hop on a train or coach after work without thinking about it, or stay a whole weekend somewhere, or travel to a different city to meet up. It's all a lot harder with kids.

I’m not sure tbh, it’s a big distance and there are significant limitations on whether you can travel. A move is definitely off the table for you - would it be for him in the future at some stage? It’s early to be asking those questions but I think in these cases you need to before you go any deeper - have you built enough of a foundation with him to be able to ask do you think?

You ok hun?

Ditto. It makes me angry and sad

and I am a single parent So the accusation of bashing really doesn’t stand.

But seeing the posters response to your post @pixie5121 also not at all surprised

Yes, reeling and terribly traumatised by it all. In fact, my SS is the most traumatised which is why he's coming and doing work experience at my firm and staying with us for a non scheduled contact week and at the same time he's taking driving lessons with me in my car. At 17, he's most definitely unaware of how much he's being manipulated and his life is screwed. We must call SS.

Indeed

your set up sounds like an episode of the Waltons!

Exactly what I’d want for my children

a man to move in that they barely know within a few months and barely have said two words to him before finding out their mother is expecting a baby with him.

joyful

And yes I am being judgemental.

but really….

Oh and teens just love hours of travelling every weekend to see their father, they just love it.

and they really enjoy spending their summer holidays (not that they have ever done so, considering you’ve not been with their father for a year yet) away from their friends

I did a LDR late teens / early 20s and ended up relocating - post kids and divorce I ended up 4 hours from home and family and swore I’d never do it again!

I however totally unexpectedly ended up meeting an old acquaintance from back home and have once again ended up in a LDR with a similar distance to you. It takes a lot of planning to meet up and can be less spontaneous, it’s so expensive (I can drive but prefer to take the train) and realistically we both know we will not be in a mid term position to make things more permanent as we both have pre teen children.

But we make it work, and I’d absolutely take this over not having him in my life. We spend holidays together, our free weekends and do not get bogged down in day to day domestic drudgery. Talking daily helps and planning next visits in advance. We did leave it nearly a year before we introduced the children and thankfully they get on so has made things slightly easier too. The end game will have to be a move but as it’s not an option for now we don’t dwell on it.

LOL I know. Chavtastic.

How old are your children? Are they old enough that you can be sure they'd tell you if the strange man you've just moved in is molesting them?

I've literally had things in my fridge for longer than 9 months. You do not know this man. You are exposing your children to a stranger. You've uprooted their lives to move in with a stranger. I wouldn't move in with anyone after 9 months and I don't have any children. You are totally irresponsible.

Someone you've known for 9 months isn't a stranger. If you think it is, you don't know what 'stranger' means.

It might be viewed by some as soon, but that doesn't mean that those people know best. If the couple and the kids are happy, suggesting that the kids are being molested and might be afraid to tell you is wildly out of place.

I've had four LTR and two were long distance. One when I was really young and one when I was older. Neither of them lasted. However neither were close enough to drive either, I think that is what killed them. However I have a friend that did LD with her BF and they flew to see each other at least twice a month, they did that for about a year/18 months and now they are married, and that was 20 years ago. I think if you're close enough to drive or afford to fly to see them every couple of weeks at least it might work.

If he's in Bristol there's loads of cities that are "in the north" which are within 3-4hrs drive if the traffic's okay. Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds. Even Newcastle would only be about 4.5hrs.

OP with 2 young DC who don't spend any time with their dad, I'm sorry but I think this is going to be a lot of effort. I would personally stop it now before getting too emotionally involved.

9 months isn't enough to know someone. It's little enough time that someone could have been wearing a mask and not showing their real self. It's the honeymoon period when they're on their best behaviour. That poster really has little idea of who her partner really is. Most people at the 9 month mark would only just be starting to think about whether the relationship could be long term and if it had a future, not already be 4 weeks pregnant and living with the new partner, with potentially vulnerable children in the house.

But of course, you're a pickme who makes excuses for poor, irresponsible behaviour, so I wouldn't expect you to agree.

This is by far the BEST comment I've read on here. I've taken a screenshot and sent it to both my family WhatsApp group and DH's, (3 of our respective children are on these groups as well as DH's ex-wife who I'm friends with), we've all had a hearty laugh at your 'concerns'. We are all thinking that the inside of your head must be a phenomenally paranoid and ugly place to be 🤣 If you have them, are your children safe? If you don't, why are you even commenting.

The collective Social Workers, Solicitor's, Paediatrician, Teachers, Headmaster, Nurses and Police officers in both of our families are making moves to rescue my children - RIGHT NOW. Thank you for saving us.

Keep it coming. We're placing wagers on you - for entertainment purposes only of course.

He would have moved In much earlier than 9 months! It’s 9 months now!

None of those authorities would be interested and none of us indicating they would be

but it is shit. For the children in the scenario. And you know it’s not in your childrens best interest but hey ho

His ex has her own life, shock horror that happens after a divorce.

Read the thread, we see the children more now than DH did before I came along, why because we are working together to do what is best for both sets of children which absolutely means not only maintaining but elevating the time my DSC's have with their Dad.

Oh and my home has 5 bedrooms. We do have a spare room but not for DH. The home we're buying, has 7 bedrooms, ample space for all of our children.

People are so overly invested in the lives and decisions of a total stranger. It's brilliant.

You think I'm paranoid because I wouldn't move my children in with a man I'd known for a few months? I'd say I'm probably just more intelligent and less naive.

Sharing this with minors just shows how poor your boundaries are. I love how you post like it's some kind of gotcha when it's just more and more concerning and more and more indicative of how immature, impulsive and unhinged you are.

Your poor, poor children.